Mission: Earth "Death Quest"
Ron L. Hubbard
Mission: Earth "Death Quest"
Voltarian Censor's Disclaimer
During my tenure as the Chairman of the Royal Board of Censors, I have been exposed to the wide range of tastes that span the 110 planets of our great Confederacy.
Yet nothing compares to this bizarre, fallacious account which deals with a completely fabricated planet called "Earth."
The Crown does not object to an author creating an imaginary world and populating it with equally imaginary characters. Nor does the Crown object to behavior and situations that strain the imagination, not to mention one's basic sense of morality. There is, however, a limit, a boundary, for even the fevered imagination. This work has crossed that line.
The Crown strenuously objects to the unauthorized use of actual persons such as Royal officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak to imply that "Earth" exists and that Heller might have been sent there on the orders of the Grand Council. However, "Earth" does not exist, and that takes care of that.
Additionally, the author's irresponsible description of a process that would otherwise be known as "judicial" also pressed the Crown's patience to the limit. There is no such "legal system" anywhere within the
known worlds. What is described in this work bears no resemblance to anything rational and could not possibly exist. The reader must keep that in mind. The law is the mortar between the building blocks of society. A "legal system" permitting people to "sue" merely to seek a large "settlement" as described in this work would become so clogged with "suits" that it would take a person years to seek justice. And what kind of "justice" would such a system allow? So away with that fantasy!
The debased attitude toward sex on this nonexistent planet called "Earth" has already drawn the ire of the Crown. Nothing more will be said.
If this work teaches anything, it teaches what happens when one writes about a nonexistent world such as this "Earth."
There is NO planet "Earth."
That is the only rational attitude to take.
Lord Invay
Royal Historian
Chairman, Board of Censors
Royal Palace
Voltar Confederacy
By Order of
His Imperial Majesty
Wully the Wise
Voltarian Translator's Preface
Hello again!
This is your translator, 54 Charlee Nine, the Robot-brain in the Translatophone.
Lord Invay's remark about the American legal system reminds me of the problem that I had in translating this work. First, I can't fathom how a coat and matching pants or skirt could be a legal "suit."
Further, these "suits" are found in what Southerners say is a "coathouse" but spell as "courthouse." I compromised and spelled it "cohthouse." I was tempted to spell it "cathouse" for what really goes on, but while it may be a more accurate description, it sadly misses the pronunciation.
Speaking of accents, I also had to deal with Dr. Crobe, who is a crazy Voltarian cellologist pretending to be a psychiatrist (which automatically qualifies him as a double nutcase) who has an accent that sounds like an Austrian being strangled. But since nobody really understands what a psychiatrist is talking about anyway, it really doesn't matter what he sounds like.
Meanwhile, all of this is really the confession of Apparatus officer Soltan Gris, as dictated by him in a jail cell. I won't even begin to estimate how many logic circuits fused or warped when I tried to get my wits L. RON HUBBARD around the life style of this nonexistent planet called Earth.
Frankly, if Fleet Officer Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak did go to Earth to arrest the pollution so a Vol-tarian invasion force could later safely conquer the planet, I don't see how they kept their sanity while they were there.
Soltan Gris is another matter. He acts more and more like he's from Earth, rather than Voltar. Maybe that's because he spent so much time there studying psychology tricks from Sigmund Freud and Bugs Bunny. Or it could be that he is simply so criminal that he was more at home on what appears to be a prison planet. After all, Gris's whole task was to stop Heller and keep Heller from learning that the head of the Apparatus, Lombar Hisst, was obtaining Earth drugs to overthrow the Vol-tarian Confederacy.
Don't ask me to make any more sense of it. But I will include a Key to this volume. That's more help than I got from Soltan Gris.
Sincerely,
54 Charlee Nine
Robotbrain in the Translatophone
Key to DEATH QUEST
Activator-receiver-See Bugging Gear.
Afyon-City in Turkey where the Apparatus has a secret mountain base.
Agnes, Miss-Personal aide to Delbert John Rockecenter.
Apparatus, Coordinated Information-The secret police of Voltar, headed by Lombar Hisst and manned by criminals.
Atalanta-Home province of Jettero Hellerand the Countess Krak on the planet Manco.
Bang-Bang Rimbombo-An ex-marine demolitions expert and member of the Corleone mob. He also attends Jettero Heller's college Army ROTC classes in place of Heller at EmpireUniversity.
Biggs, Stonewall-Virginia county clerk who issued Jettero Heller a birth certificate in the name of Delbert John Rockecenter, Junior. Heller saved Biggs's life when the courthouse was bombed.
Bittlestiffender, Prahd-Voltarian cellologist who implanted Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe. (See Bugging Gear and Cellology.)
Blito-P3-Voltarian designation for a planet known locally as "Earth." It is the third planet (P3) of a yellow-dwarf star known as Blito. It is on the Invasion Timetable as a future way stop on Voltar's route toward the center of this galaxy.
Blueflash-A bright blue flash of light which produces unconsciousness. It is usually used by Voltarian ships before landing in an area that is possibly populated.
Bugging Gear-Electronic eavesdropping devices that Soltan Gris had implanted in Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe. Gris uses a video unit to monitor everything they see or hear. The signals are picked up by the Activator-receiver that Gris carries. When they are more than two hundred miles from Gris, the 831 Relayer is turned on and boosts the signal to a range of ten thousand miles.
Bury-Delbert John Rockecenter's most powerful attorney. Candy Licorice-Lesbian "wife" to Miss Pinch.
Cellology-Voltarian medical science that can repair the body through the cellular generation of tissues, including entire body parts.
Code Break-Violation of a section of the Space Code prohibiting the alerting of others that one is an alien. If this occurs, those alerted are destroyed and the violator
is put to death. The purpose is to maintain the security of the Invasion Timetable.
Confederacy-See Voltar.
Coordinated Information Apparatus-See Apparatus.
Crobe, Dr.-Apparatus cellologist who delights in making freaks. He was brought to Earth by Soltan Gris to further disrupt Jettero Heller's mission.
EmpireUniversity-Where Jettero Heller is taking classes in New York City.
Epstein, Izzy-Financial expert and anarchist hired by Jettero Heller to set up and run several corporations to handle Heller's finances.
Eyes and Ears of Voltar-An electronics store on Voltar where Soltan Gris stole boxes of sophisticated equipment that he brought to Earth. The Countess Krak ransacked Gris's supply, taking a wide variety of items for her trip to the United States.
F. F. B. O.-Fatten, Farten, Burstein and Ooze, the largest advertising/public relations firm in the world.
Fleet-The elite space fighting arm of Voltar to which Jettero Heller belongs and which the Apparatus despises.
Grafferty, "Bulldog"-A crooked New Yor
k City police inspector.
Grand Council-The governing body of Voltar which
ordered a mission to keep Earth from destroying itself so it could be conquered on schedule per the Invasion Timetable.
Gris, Soltan-Apparatus officer placed in charge of the Blito-P3 (Earth) Section and an enemy of Jettero Heller. He was sent to Earth by Lombar Hisst to sabotage Heller's mission.
Heller, Jettero-Combat engineer and Royal officer of the Fleet, sent by order of the Grand Council on Mission Earth in order to save Earth from its own imminent self-destruction by pollution and nuclear holocaust. He is operating on Earth under the name of Jerome Terrance Wister.
Hisst, Lombar-Head of the Apparatus. His plan to overthrow the Confederacy required sending Soltan Gris to sabotage Jettero Heller's mission.
Hypnohelmet-Device placed over the head and used to induce a hypnotic state.
Inkswitch-Phony name used by Soltan Gris when in the U. S., pretending to be a federal official.
Invasion Timetable-A schedule of galactic conquest. The plans and budget of every section of Vohar's government must adhere to it. Bequeathed by Voltar's ancestors hundreds of thousands of years ago, it is inviolate and sacred and the guiding dogma of the Confederacy.
Krak, Countess-The sweetheart of Jettero Heller. On
Earth she is known by the name Heavenly Joy Krackle or "Miss Joy."
Lee, Harvey "Smasher"-A dishonest used-car dealer in Virginia who sold Jettero Heller a Cadillac shortly after Heller arrived in the United States.
Madison, J. Walter-F. F. B. O. PR man hired by Bury to "immortalize" Jettero Heller, who doesn't know about Madison's campaign; also known as "J. Warbler Madman."
Mamie Boomp-A former nightclub singer and now president and general manager of the Lucky Bonanza Casino Corporation in Atlantic City, owned by Jettero Heller.
Manco-Home planet of Jettero Heller and the Countess Krak.
Manco Devil-Mythological spirit native to Manco.
Massacurovitch, Mortie-The crash-bang New York City taxi driver who taught Jettero Heller how to drive a cab in New York.
Meeley-Soltan Gra's landlady back on Voltar.
Mudur Zengin-Financial czar of the biggest banking chain in Turkey and handler of Soltan Gra's funds.
Multinational-Name of umbrella corporation that Izzy Epstein set up to manage Jettero Heller's companies. It is located in the Empire State Building.
Mutazione, Mike-Owner of the Jiffy-Spiffy Garage. He customized both the Cadillac and the vintage cab for Jettero Heller..
Narcotic!, Faustino "The Noose"-Head of a Mafia Family that is the underworld outlet for drugs.
Octopus Oil-A Delbert John Rockecenter company that controls the world's petroleum.
Pinch, Miss-Lesbian sadist and Delbert John Rockecenter employee who lives with Candy Licorice and has $80,000 of Soltan Gro's money.
Pokantickle-Estate of Delbert John Rockecenter, located in Hairytown, New York.
Psychiatric Birth Control-A plan, funded by Delbert John Rockecenter, to reduce the world's population by promoting homosexuality.
Raht-An Apparatus agent on Earth who was assigned by Lombar Hisst to help Soltan Gris sabotage Jettero Heller's mission. His partner Terb was murdered.
Razza Louseini-Consigliere to mob chief Faustino "The Noose" Narcotici.
Rockecenter, Delbert John-Native of Earth who controls the planet's fuel, finances, governments and drugs.
Rockecenter, Junior, Delbert John-The false Earth name that Lombar Hisst arranged for Jettero Heller to use so that he would attract attention and be killed.
Simmons, Miss-An antinuclear fanatic who teaches at Empire University. She was dedicated to flunking Jettero Heller out of school until "handled" by the Countess Krak.
Smith, John-An alias that Soltan Gris uses as a Delbert John Rockecenter employee.
Spiteos-Where the Countess Krak and Jettero Heller had been imprisoned on Voltar. It has been the secret mountain fortress prison of the Apparatus for over a thousand years.
Spurk-The owner of the Eyes and Ears of Voltar, an electronics store. Soltan Gris killed him to steal the Bugging Gear used on Jettero Heller, the Countess Krak and Dr. Crobe, as well as boxes of other sophisticated equipment.
Sultan Bey-The Turkish name used by Soltan Gris.
Swindle and Crouch-Law firm that represents Delbert John Rockecenter interests.
Torpedo Fiaccola-A sniper-killer once hired by Bury to kill Jettero Heller.
Utanc-A belly-dancer that Soltan Gris bought to be his concubine slave.
Viewer-See Bugging Gear.
Voltar-The seat of the 110-planet Confederacy that was established 125,000 years ago. Voltar is ruled by the
Emperor through the Grand Council, in accordance with the Invasion Timetable.
Whiz Kid-Nickname given to Jettero Heller by J. Walter Madison. Unknown to Heller, Madison has a "double" playing the part of Jerome Terrance Wister in order to get publicity without Heller's consent. The "double" has buckteeth and a protruding jaw, wears glasses and looks nothing like Heller. His name is Gerry Wister.
Wister, Jerome Terrance-Name that Jettero Heller is using on Earth.
Zanco-Medical and cellological equipment and supplies company on Voltar.
831 Relayer-See Bugging Gear.
PART FORTY-THREE
To My Lord Turn, Justiciary of the Royal Courts and Prison, Government City, Planet Voltar, Voltar Confederacy
Your Lordship, Sir!
I, Soltan Gris, Grade XI General Services Officer, former Secondary Executive of the Coordinated Information Apparatus, Voltar Confederacy (All Hail His Most Imperial Majesty Cling the Lofty) am forwarding the sixth part of my confession pertaining to MISSION EARTH.
I know that one who is in prison, as I am, should reflect upon and learn the error of his ways. You will be pleased to know that incarceration in your fine prison has allowed me to do this.
While detailing my many criminal deeds committed while on MISSION EARTH for the Apparatus, including murder, extortion, blackmail, I have learned a valuable lesson: Females are vicious, treacherous, lying beasts who spend every waking minute conniving amongst themselves, plotting and scheming how to destroy every single male. They should all be destroyed.
Take those two Earth lesbians, Miss Pinch and
L. RON HUBBARD
Candy, for example. Miss Pinch took all my money and locked it up in a safe. I was broke and wanted it back. Earth psychology, which is never wrong, has something they call "aversion therapy." (In the Apparatus we call it "torture.") So I tied them up and despite their protests raped them both. What did they do? Did they adhere to the unwavering truths of psychology? No! They ended up liking it!
"Inkswitch," they said (addressing me by the alias I employ in the U. S.), "we renounce Rockecenter's Psychiatric Birth Control which advocates homosexuality to reduce the population and will pay you to live with us and do that again and again."
Just goes to show how you can't trust women. They turn on you every time.
And if there is any female that epitomizes the vicious evil of that species, it is the Countess Krak, Jet-tero Heller's girlfriend. My task was simpler until her arrival on Earth. All I had to do was sabotage Heller's mission. True, he had given me some trouble but it was nothing compared to the problems she caused. She was urging him on, urging him on, sabotaging my sabotaging at every turn. Not through any skill, mind you. She was just lucky. All women are. They just don't have the brains. They just cause trouble for men. Especially me.
That's when I realized my problem. Although J. Walter Madison, that master of PR, was generating phony front-page stories about Heller (known on Earth as Jerome Terrance "The Whiz Kid" Wister), they weren't affecting him. It was all because of Krak. She was holding him up. I realized that to stop Heller I had to first remove the Countess Krak.
The opportunity was perfect. Heller was caught up in his crazy project to release spores into the atmosphere
to cl
ean up the air, not in protecting the Countess Krak. Besides, Heller didn't have any reason to think she was open to an attack. And thanks to the visio and audio bugs they unknowingly carried, I could not only monitor everything they saw or heard but could pinpoint their locations at any given time. I could choose exactly when and where and how to strike.
The decision was simple. __
I had found the solution to my problem.
I would kill the Countess Krak!.
Chapter 1
My plan was very simple.
I would buy a hit!
A long-range sniper rifle, expertly zeroed in, fired by a trained man, was a thing against which the Countess Krak would have no defense.
All the clever tricks she knew were close-up things, face to face. An expert marksman, shooting from two to five hundred yards away, would not have to cope with darts or hypnohelmets or stage sleight of hand. He would simply pull the trigger and she'd be dead.
How much did a hit cost? Ten thousand dollars seemed to be the going price.
Where could I get a hit man? They were available from the Faustino Narcotici mob, right downtown.
When could I get it done? As soon as I had ten thousand bucks.
I counted up my money. I had less than four thousand.
It was Sunday night. The apartment was in an uproar. Candy and Miss Pinch were trying to get things squared around. Sometime this coming week, I had not made out when, they were going to have a housewarming and because they both worked, they could only get the place into some kind of order by working late into the night. Almost all the major things were done but there remained curtain hanging and getting things just right.
I had sort of been staying out of the way, afraid
of getting pinned to a curtain rod or swept out into the dustbin. But my need for ten thousand dollars made me brave.
They were both buzzing around in the back room. And I ran into a hornets nest-or, more exactly, a fleas nest.
Miss Pinch, stripped to the waist and wearing a bandanna on her head like some kind of a pirate, was tearing into something.
Mission: Earth Death Quest Page 1