by C. S. Lakin
They go out to acquire a rare drug to give as a gift to a friend the woman, who Cooper has learned is named Shannon, feels can help them. They sneak into a hospital, steal a doc’s ID, and Shannon gets into the dispensary to get the drug. They’re almost caught.
At Samantha’s house, Cooper meets an eccentric, rich, powerful drug addict. She has a gift of becoming whatever men want, and she works Cooper. But she is close to Smith, and Shannon asks Sam to tell Smith they’re coming. Cooper has proved today he’s no spy—the DAR was clearly trying to kill him, so he wins the women’s confidence. Sam tries to seduce Cooper, but when he refuses, she kicks him and Shannon out. They talk about how Sam is really a prostitute—the academy ruined her and she’s now a pathetic drug addict because of her mentor. Drives home, once more, how dangerous the academies are and what’s at stake for Cooper and his little girl.
Cooper and Shannon discuss their gifts. He learns Smith told her and others in his group not to trust Cooper. He’s surprised to hear he’s been on Smith’s radar and Smith almost had his car blown up. Cooper tells Shannon he knows someone who can give them IDs and papers. They go to the man’s sweatshop, where abnorms are working to pay off the new IDs he creates for them.
They go to Chinatown to stay with Lee Chen. Chinatown houses countless abnorms, where the children are cherished and raised under the radar of ES. DAR has a hard time getting into Chinatown’s web and so this is a kind of safe haven for these children. At Chen’s house he watches the children play extraordinary mind games. They are truly brilliant, happy, and innocent: showing Cooper what the world should be like—embracing these gifts and gifteds. The two are given a room to sleep in, and Cooper misses his kids. But he’s doing this for him: for a changed world that must come.
Key Scene #6 - Pinch Pont #2. They pick up the IDS from the sweatshop guy, then as they return to Chinatown to thank the Chens, a big DAR attack is in progress. They run, hide, can’t do anything but watch as the Chens and their brilliant young daughter are dragged out of their place, bags put over their heads, and thrown into a vehicle. Cooper is horrified: this is all his fault. They’ve somehow followed him via CCTVs all over the city. Now he’s more enraged. He must get to Wyoming, to John Smith, and end this. [This pinch point hits even more powerfully than the city attack because it’s personal. He liked these people and admired them, and now their world is destroyed because of him. The enemy looks even worse when shown through a personal lens and drives home to Cooper how much danger his daughter is in.]
They’re driving, get to the border of the compound, to an outlying town. Get through the first inspection. Reach Shannon’s apartment, where they’ll stay for now. They go out drinking and have dinner to celebrate getting this far. They are getting closer and enjoying each other’s company. We see Cooper changing the way he sees the world.
Next day, they arrive in the compound, go through security, and get in to see Epstein. But he’s a hologram. They talk with him in the presence of a highly gifted ten-year-old, Millie, who reveals when they are lying or telling the truth. Then Cooper is told to go with Millie, who takes him down an elevator to a basement. She points toward a dark room at the end of the hallway.
Key Scene #7 - Twist #2. Cooper goes inside this amazing room of 3D data filling the air and meets the real Epstein. The hologram is his brother, who was said to have died years ago. This real Epstein hides in his data, brilliant and able to see endless connections and possibilities of outcomes. A high-processing computer mind. Of course he knows who Cooper really is and why he’s really come, getting Cooper to tell him that he’s come to kill Smith. Epstein is glad. Smith threatens Epstein’s beautiful and smoothly run compound, as well as his sublime vision of the future world he’s trying to create—a world that is safe for abnorms. But Smith is threatening everything Epstein believes in. His data proves Smith must die ASAP or all will be ruined. So he will help Cooper reach his goal. [Perfect twist: a supposed enemy is now his main ally and help to reach his goal.]
Cooper is given a briefcase when he leaves Epstein. He and Shannon have dinner, then he packs and leaves for a cabin in the woods, where Smith will be, meeting a woman to have some private time. He calls Peters from a phone in a car dealership—first time since he went rogue. He’s angry about Chen’s family, demands Peters fix that. Tells Peters tonight he’s killing Smith and if anything goes south, Peters must promise Kate is safe and will never be tested; he does. He says, “Whatever happens, I’ll take care of your family.” Cooper has sacrificed much and Peters knows it.
Cooper scouts out the cabin. There are guards, but he slowly gets past them, some close calls. But he makes it up onto the second-floor balcony just outside the bedroom where he spotted Smith. Tension and stakes are high. Pistol in hand, he slides the door open and slips inside.
Cooper sneaks through rooms, no one there. Then comes into an office where flat screens are playing over and over the attack where Smith and his team killed seventy-three people. But . . . as he watches the videos replay over and over, Cooper sees things that are incongruent. He’s seen this footage many times, but now he’s seeing the incident from new angles and he realizes the man who is ID’d as Smith can’t actually be there . . . then the door opens. Cooper aims his gun at Smith, who says, “Hello, Cooper. I’m not John Smith.”
Cooper wants to pull the trigger, but Shannon is suddenly there, aiming a shotgun at Cooper! Smith tells him he can pull the trigger but hasn’t he started figuring out the truth? Cooper says, “The video is fake.” Smith says yes, he had met with the senator, but way earlier. He wasn’t there at the massacre. Smith and Shannon convince Cooper to put down his gun. He does, and she puts hers down too. Smith explains his terrorist persona was invented and faked. After that attack, Smith became the target. Shocked, Cooper pieces it together: how the DAR needed a reason to exist, funding, the power to kill . . . Drew Peters orchestrated it all, for his own purposes: to get rid of abnorms. His boss and friend . . . who sent him to get Smith. Which horrifies Cooper as he thinks of all the people he murdered for Peters. He runs out.
Part 3 – The Rogue. Key Scene #8 – Dark Night. Cooper runs out into the night, the guards letting him go. He’s in shock, processing this horrific truth: the Peters is the enemy. There is no denying it; the pieces all fit. ES has tremendous power over the world because of the evil they’ve done. Cooper sees now that he is the terrorist, not Smith. Shannon finds him. He’s in grief. He talks about a brilliant doctor he murdered, realizing now the man was innocent and had so much to contribute to making the world better. This is the flood of pain and guilt—a truly dark night moment. He wants to die, but Shannon says that cowardly. Instead he can reveal the truth to the world, be a hero. There is evidence that can be revealed to expose Peters and ES. They make love.
Cooper and Smith climb a mountain peak and talk privately. Smith explains the options and convinces Cooper he has to find the proof that damns and exposes Peters and his agency’s evil. He reveals he sent Shannon to get him, making Cooper doubt Shannon’s honesty and sincerity.
Cooper flies to DC, about to risk all to find the evidence he needs. He knows Peters would hide something as insurance. During the flight he narrows down where it might be hid, then figures it out.
Goes to the cemetery near Peters’s house, where the director’s wife’s mausoleum is. Cooper breaks in, spots a security/alarm box. Knows Peters has now been alerted to Cooper’s invasion. Cooper searches the crypt and finds a data stick, runs out. Agents chase and fire at him; he fires back and kills his first DAR agent. Runs into Quinn, convinces him to let him go, swearing he’s not guilty. Quinn reluctantly lets Cooper run.
Cooper now is convinced Peters is the enemy, having sent his team to kill him for taking the data stick. Cooper calls Natalie, but Dickinson answers. ES has his family, and Dickinson is in cahoots with Peters. Cooper holes up in a bathroom and watches the video—shocking evidence that makes him realize Peters will not let Cooper’s family live. The stakes shoot up e
ven higher.
Cooper calls Quinn. They meet at a pub. Wary, Quinn lets Cooper tell the whole story, and then watches the video showing the now-president of the US meeting with Peters and setting up the attack at the restaurant, the setup of Smith as the terrorist, and their plan to benefit from creating a war. Shocked, Quinn joins with Cooper. Then Shannon shows up to take a stand at his side. His two allies have come to his aid in the eleventh hour. Cooper finally feels a spark of hope.
Cooper calls Peters. Big standoff. Cooper lays out the deal: He’ll give Peters the uncopied data stick if Peters hands Cooper his family. Someplace they both agree on. Cooper and Quinn talk. Peters will bring a force, no doubt. But Quinn is an inside man. He goes to get supplies. Shannon and Cooper wait at Quinn’s place. They have a heart-to-heart. Admit feelings for each other, sorry for the mistrust.
Key Scene #9 – Big Climax. The three are atop a parking garage with weapons and other gear. Cooper calls Peters. Peters gives the street name and Cooper, with Quinn’s prompting, gives the address to meet. He gives Peters ten minutes, then hangs up. They go to the building, head into the security office using Quinn’s DAR creds. They fight guards, get control of the room. Inject guards with sedatives. They put in earpieces, and Quinn views the security feeds. They watch Cooper’s family come in the entrance. Cooper is emotionally upended at seeing his family after six months. Men are with the family, including Peters and Dickinson, who shoots a janitor. Cooper almost rushes out but Shannon holds him back. The family and men go up the elevator, stop at fifth floor, Natalie and kids get out. Shooters surround them as Peters goes up in the elevator. Cooper must be at that meeting on the tenth floor, sends the others to get his family. Cooper goes to the conference room and faces Peters and Dickinson. Another standoff. Quinn talks in the earpiece, ID’ing the room the family is in. Shannon says she’s on it. Cooper puts down the gun. Peters asks where the drive is, scoffing at Peters saying he’ll deliver the family safe if he turns it over. Peters tells the guard remotely to kill Cooper’s son. Cooper gives him the drive. The monitor shows Shannon attacking the guard about to kill the family. Cooper hides; Dickinson shoots. Peters runs out with the drive. No word from Shannon. Dickinson tells him the family is dead—Shannon too. With nothing to lose, Cooper attacks and kills Dickinson. Shannon has rescued the family; they’re in the elevator but the troops are coming. A helicopter is coming. Cooper races to the roof. Cooper attacks Peters, then tosses him off the roof.
Key Scene #10 – Resolution. Cooper gets to a park, waiting to rendezvous. The streets are filled with law enforcement and DAR, but Peters is dead, so Cooper knows there will be confusion. He gets ready to release the video feed incriminating the president and Peters to the whole world via the Internet. He thinks of how he could just threaten to leak it and blackmail the president, become the head of ES and make the proper changes for a better world. Naw . . . He presses Send. Truth over power. He goes to a safe house and reunites with family and Shannon. Shannon leaves, the family is safe. The world, for now, is safe. But he has a lot of work still to do . . .
I hope you see what a terrifically structured novel this is. As with most great thrillers, there are lots of twists—not just the two major ones in the first layer of scenes. And so, the second layer is made up of both the action-reaction-processing-decision scenes and the new twists, interspersed to build the action to the climax.
Sakey, appropriately, resolves the plot goal in the climax, yet leaves wide open the bigger goal—to change the world and make it safe for his children—for the next installments in the series (and I’m ordering them today!). Regardless of how many books you have in a series, each one must have an immediate visible goal for the protagonist that is resolved satisfyingly at the climax.
And, you’ll notice, the author gets “in quick, out quick,” not spending more than a few pages in this reunion with family and wrap-up of the story. What parts will Cooper’s new allies—Shannon, Smith, and Quinn—play? We’ll have to read book 2 and see.
In just the right places we see the force of the opposition (at the key pinch points). Sakey nicely sets up the early tension with Dickinson, along with the big red herring in his close relationship with Peters.
I’d planned to insert the scene summary below and identify the second layer of key scenes, but, by now, you should be an expert on this. So . . .
* * *
Your assignment: Identify the second layer of Brilliance—scenes 11-20. Find the important scenes that impact Cooper emotional and shift his worldview (such as the scene with Samantha, the prostitute, and Lee Chan’s family). Find the other big twists, such as when Cooper watches the conflicting news feeds in the cabin, showing Smith couldn’t have been at the restaurant attack. The big moments of plot and character change are those pebbles that go in the jar after the ten big rocks.
Once you’ve chosen your second layer (maybe copy and print out the scene summary so you can mark it up with highlighters), figure out the next layer of connective scenes: those processing scenes that are the glue that holds the story together. I bet after that, you could find the next ten, and the next . . .
Chapter 17: The Not-So-Perfect Novels
I know I risk the ire of some readers of this book by even suggesting any best seller is flawed. As I said, I’m not doing this from some arrogant perspective, thinking I’m a much better writer than these authors. My purpose in pointing out these flaws is to elucidate.
I truly believe novels are better when they’re structured well. When they meet reader expectations of good storytelling. Be mad at me if you like, but I hope you’ll stick with me and learn some valuable insights by these examinations.
The first book I want to look at is Gilly MacMillan’s best-seller The Perfect Girl. It’s labeled as literary suspense genre, but it not at all a literary suspense. It reads clearly, to me, as YA in writing style, voice, and level of sophistication. The protagonist is a teen, and while there are adult POVs, it’s young Zoe’s story and the focus is on her response to all that occurs and her resultant actions. Writing in multiple first-person accounts is very popular these days and provides an intimate look into various characters’ heads.
The chapters are short and easy to read, and the plot is skimpy, focusing narrowly on the events of one evening, without the usual cast of possible suspects and red herrings you normally find in a mystery.
The novel has an awkward structure with the way it skips around in time. I personally find this irritating and unnecessary; the story could easily be told in chronological order. Everyone is recounting the events of Sunday night forward except Sam, the lawyer, who, for some reason, is placed in time the next day and is mostly just thinking of the past. And he has a few scenes in the beginning (which aren’t all that needed) and then . . . none for a long while. The backstory fills the reader in on Zoe’s accident and trial, and anything important in those scenes could be revealed via Zoe’s scenes. I would leave him out of the story altogether except as a bit part, if even that.
There are a lot of chapters of backstory, which I also feel weakens the novel tremendously. It’s telling instead of showing, and while somewhat effective because of the first-person POV accounts, stories (IMO) are always much better when shown—when the events play out in real time for readers to watch and experience. I also find the characters’ emotional reactions often lacking in a big way.
In my 2016 analyses of twenty-six best-selling novels’ first pages on my blog Live Write Thrive, I noted that a lot of hugely popular novelists get away with breaking expected structure and the “rules” we writers are told to obey. Many of these authors pack their opening scenes with explanation and narrative and backstory instead of “showing” their scenes in present action. And many of those novels are decidedly boring.
Yet, because these authors have a ginormous fan base, they can often get away with ignoring or dissing structure and the typical expectations of readers of their genre. Fans will often tolerate these infractions and plod through
such books—maybe even enjoy them. Some fans will patiently slog through boring chapters hoping their favorite authors will eventually get things rolling, trusting the novel will get interesting at some point. Maybe a few fans fall by the wayside. Do these authors really care? I have no idea. But I care.
My argument is that every book an author writes should be terrific, and making the excuse that “I’m under tight deadline” or that readers won’t mind poorly developed stories is inexcusable.
The Perfect Girl promises a suspenseful murder mystery, but I found it lacking suspense throughout. Having those ten key scenes in the right places would cover a multitude of sins. But the lack thereof is the symptom of a bigger problem: the thin plot. Not a whole lot happens in the novel, and what action there is lacks tension and high drama. We have a murder scene and practically no investigation.
You’ll notice I leave out the second pinch point—it’s not there. While it’s set up that Barlow is the “opposition” at the right point in the story, it turns out there really isn’t any clear opposition in this novel. I hope you’ll see how this creates a big structural flaw. What we end up with here are a lot of scenes before the climax that lack tension and build.
Here’s a summary of the plot:
Zoe Maisey, seventeen, is a music prodigy in Bristol, England, but her career derailed when she caused an accident that left three classmates dead. After serving time in The Unit, her mother insisted she and Zoe keep that bit of past secret from everyone—including the mom’s new husband.
True to murder-mystery form, the novel opens with the mention of the death of Zoe’s mom, and what follows is the playing out of events leading up to that death. In this story, we don’t find the usual murder-mystery construct—an investigation to learn “who-dunnit.”