Outraged

by Paul Henry

  It was at that moment I noticed that one of the catches holding the handle was not fitted in line with the others or the pattern. I couldn’t see anything else now but this fuck-up. How did this bag get past the craftsman’s expert eye? Was he even a craftsman, or had this one been slapped together during lunch by the janitor?

  I couldn’t see beyond it. I said to Lucy, ‘Look, is that in line?’ At once the salesman said that the bags were all made by hand and everything about the bag was in perfect line. He pointed out the rivets and how they were in perfect line. They were. All of them. In perfect line.

  Lucy went quiet, and then said, ‘It’s crooked.’

  The salesman said, ‘That’s not possible.’ He held it upright, and almost without inspection said, ‘It’s perfect!’

  I said to Lucy, ‘Is it just me?’

  She said, ‘No. It’s not in line.’

  The man rotated the case and inspected it fully. He went very quiet.

  We left the store with an unbelievable feeling. How can that happen at Louis V?

  Fuck’n outrage!

  CONUNDRUM:

  So what do you do? There are so few of these cases that you will have to order one in. But the experience has been tarnished. A hell of a lot of the glitter has fallen off. Even if they offered a substantial discount, you can’t buy it. ‘Here’s my near-perfect LV case. It was only $4,000, because the handle is crooked.’ You’d have to be mad!

  You can’t buy that one. You’d always be looking at the fault. Is it getting worse …? Then there’s the hideous chance that someone else who has just said to you, ‘OMG, is that what I think it is?’ then says, ‘Shit, the handle is crooked.’

  You have to walk away and, as I did, purchase an attaché case from an exclusive English company at half the price.

  As for that LV store in Las Vegas, I hope they sent the case to LV HQ with a stern letter. But I do wonder if they put it back on the shelf.

  QUESTION:

  Is there an Asian gentleman wandering the strip in Vegas with poker chips and cash stuffed in a Louis Vuitton attaché with a crooked handle?

  SUGGESTION TO LV:

  Sort out your quality control. You should be fuck’n ashamed of yourselves.

  MAORI ACTIVISTS

  The old saying ‘united we stand, divided we fall’ is pretty well accurate, as are many old sayings. I am hard-pressed to think of a country with a separatist motivation that is spectacularly successful.

  New Zealand is a small and vulnerable nation. It suffers from the tyranny of distance and isolation from markets, as well as from a perilously small economy. And as economic conditions around the globe change, our country must adapt to succeed, or die. Despite considerable challenges and at times questionable governance, we are extraordinarily well regarded globally. New Zealand is a success, with a very high standard of living, and any reasonable person with an understanding of the world would regard it as a great place to live.

  Sadly, there are many in New Zealand who are not reasonable and who have little understanding of the world. Maori activists/ separatists are among them. Essentially, these ungrateful fools are sabotaging our nation. New Zealand has an excellent record on human rights. It is an inclusive country with extraordinarily good services provided more than fairly, and it has a history of colonisation we should be proud of. Should. But are we? No. Instead, many wowsers fall over themselves to apologise for the past. To call for compensation. And many are demanding compensation and special status. Damn the consequences. Damn the future.

  Did everything in the past run smoothly? No. Were some people exploited and abused? Yes. Should this be acknowledged and in some cases compensated for? Yes, probably. But let’s recognise what we are doing here: we are building a country. We are in this together for our futures and those of our children, and we need to be pulling together and pulling our weight. All of us should be pulling our weight.

  Most Maori activists I have met are in it for themselves. Many have created a nice little earner in lieu of actually working. If they are so hell-bent on living in the past, surely they should be crediting the European colonisers for their fundamentally good stewardship? Saving the natives from themselves and from more hostile nations. They should celebrate our country for the opportunities it supports and the lifestyles it fosters. But no. These disgruntled troublemakers don’t want to be part of our future, or for that matter part of any solution. They want everything and bugger the cost and consequences. They are destroyers, not creators.

  They should be called to account. What good do they do? Who are they working for and for what ultimate purpose? Governments make payouts that can’t be afforded on behalf of the taxpayer. Both Maori and non-Maori. And where does the money go? Who actually benefits and who is held accountable? The more separate we become, the more divided we are, the greater the chance we fall. And if we do, the irony is that we will all fall together.

  The next time someone tries to tell you that New Zealand should have a separate legal system or health system or any separate system, or that they should be compensated for something that was done to someone who is long dead by someone who is long dead, tell them you are too busy building a country to listen to their ignorant negative bullshit.

  NOTE TO MAORI ACTIVISTS:

  Get a real job. Take advantage of the extraordinary opportunities that exist, and build your and our capacity. Appreciate how good things are. Improve the environment for yourself, our community and your children, and teach them to dream big and be positive about their futures with limitless goals.

  Look into the eyes of your children and ask yourself if this is the best you can do for them — fostering a foundation of disgruntlement and reciting excuses for failure.

  NOTE TO GOVERNMENT:

  Harden the fuck up. Now!

  MARINELAND NAPIER

  Marineland in Napier was iconic. Perhaps still is, even though it was closed due to the lack of a dolphin or six in 2008. Officially, it is ‘closed to the public’, but who or what it is open for is a mystery to me. If a public attraction is closed to the public, let’s just call it as it is — closed.

  By the way, if there is one thing that outrages me more than the closure of Napier’s Marineland it is the rampant over-use of the word ‘iconic’, especially in the media. However, in this case, and every case when the word is used by me, it is correct. (Note: ‘The iconic Cloud on Auckland’s waterfront’ — I don’t think so. Whatever media outlet it was that uttered that line should be hauled before the ridiculous broadcasting standards thing! The correct line should have been: ‘The abomination of a temporary structure known as the Cloud on Auckland’s waterfront …’)

  So, back to the precious dolphins and their environmentally obsessed supporters. What makes a dolphin’s life more precious than that of a cow or a sheep or for that matter an ant? Buddha, a very wise sage of foreign extraction, would have us believe there is no difference at all. Having said that, ancient scripts show he may never have tried moving a flock of sheep into a race!

  Yes, like fur seals, dolphins are very cute. Not quite as cute, but still up there on the scale of cute. They do seem friendly and helpful and smart. But get close and they smell! Fact.

  The most important thing to note is: dolphins are not like us. They don’t run the world. We do. They don’t seem to have an insatiable appetite to be entertained through the exploitation of other living creatures like us. Well, that’s just the way it is. Hunt some more down, squeeze them into a tank and make them dance. Now that’s entertainment!

  Okay, so let’s be humane. It needs to be a nice tank and we need to treat them well. We don’t need to hunt them down from the wild, we just need to buy them from a dolphin farm, like one of the SeaWorlds in the United States.

  Stupid Napier councillors buckled under pressure. They could not see the huge benefit from investing in the historically significant tourist attraction in their town. They allowed Marineland to pivot on the life of one old dolphin, Kelly. An
d when Jesus pulled the plug on Kelly, the power went out on the park.

  We were told that times had changed. People don’t want to see things penned up now. We want to swim in the wild with these majestic carnivores and look at them from boats travelling at a safe distance. Safe, of course, for the dolphins. Well, that’s all crap. Yes, we might like those things, but go to the fantastic aquarium in Atlanta or to SeaWorld in San Diego and you will find the happiest dolphins in the world. You will also find thousands upon thousands of excited people learning about the wonders of the deep and actually getting the environmental message. People being entertained by dolphins, who are themselves being entertained by people.

  So what Napier needed was more dolphins, not no dolphins. Actually what Napier needed was a majority on the council who had the foresight to say, ‘We are going to have a Marineland which will be as important to our future as it was to the past. It won’t be a drain on the ratepayer. It will be a financial and social windfall.’

  What an outrageous waste of an opportunity. You dopey bastards.

  ANECDOTE:

  If you never visited Napier Marineland, leave the following lines blank. If you are among the hundreds of thousands who have happy memories from the park, write a note about it here:

  You see, that’s what makes a thing iconic!

  POSSIBLE FACT:

  Every dolphin in the wild has heard of marine parks and wants in.

  MUSLIMS

  Here’s the thing: the biggest difference between those staunch in the Muslim faith and pretty much everyone else, from a religious perspective, is that Muslims are playing a long game. The longest of all religious games currently on the table in the world. If winning in the religious stakes is your aim (and it is their aim), the Muslim religion is in the box seat and I know why.

  It is because they show little tolerance to other religions but insist tolerance is shown to them. It is because they do not modify and adapt in the same way most other religions do. Thus, as other religions are forced to evolve their beliefs in order to, they would say, ‘stay relevant’, the Muslim religion stands firm. And in the end, sheer numbers will bring success. So you breed and infiltrate. Dispersing throughout the non-Muslim world in what, to all intents and purposes, could be entirely non-threatening to most.

  In the non-Muslim world, people are mostly only interested in the short game, or self-gratification. It is easier to be compliant and welcoming than it is to challenge and confront. And, after all, non-Muslims are adapting their religions and societies anyway. That’s why Muslims can do in our country what Christians could never do in a staunch Muslim country.

  EXAMPLE:

  They can be raped without having to go to jail for it.

  FURTHER EXAMPLE:

  They can go to the bank with their faces covered. You try banking in Saudi in your bikini!

  You could argue that a religion that is prepared to adapt as much as the Christian religion has over the past few decades, in particular the past decade, must either have been wholly wrong in the first place or alternatively just opportunistic, more interested in its own survival than in its fundamental teachings. After all, when did Christ change his mind and say women could be trusted speaking to congregations? When did he say you should dob in child molesters within your own ranks, or that it is okay for people with the same body parts to join in wedlock? Christianity is like Lego, it can change into anything so long as you are prepared to wait a bit for new pieces to be released!

  So, back to the Muslims. In the end, will we all be Muslim? And would that be a bad thing? I don’t want to be, but that’s because I love the short game and self-gratification too much.

  If we were all Muslims, would the world be a better place or a complete shit-hole? So the big question is this: is it ultimately a good thing that we are so tolerant of the Muslim faith in New Zealand?

  ANECDOTE:

  Several years ago I found myself deep in the Ugandan countryside experiencing their mostly unique culture, albeit a primarily English-speaking, Christian culture. I was driving one day down a narrow, pot-holed, snake-riddled jungle road, when all at once I came upon a … Coca-Cola factory. It was fairly new. Huge, ugly and so out of place. Everywhere people were drinking the stuff and basking quite literally in the reflected glory of Coke signs. I said to Bamyon Naglay, my companion in the car, ‘It’s getting more and more like Atlanta here every day.’ And as the sun set on the banks of the Limpopo River, we talked over a delicious sugary beverage about the way, in the end, the world would be the same wherever you went. We decided that was a bad thing, ate our hot dogs and went to sleep.

  This has subsequently become known as the Henry Naglay Global Sameness Theory, or HNGST.

  NUDITY

  So, taking all your clothes off and walking around like it’s normal in front of strangers who are also naked, is that weird or what? Actually, it’s mostly not weird. So long as it is warm, I love it. Does that make me a nudist? Yes, I meet some of the criteria. I like to swim, sunbathe and just be naked when it makes sense to be. There are days at home when I find it hard to summon the desire to put on clothes. Reporters have come to my door and I have slung a towel around myself as my only protection from their inept storytelling.

  Over recent years I have started to frequent nudist establishments in the United States. They call them ‘clothing optional’, but the freakiest people are the ones who keep their clothes on at those places. What are they up to? The reason I gravitate to these places in the USA is that the weather there is perfect for it. And let’s be clear: I don’t take my clothes off in public for some desire to be naked at all times during all activities. This may mean I am not a proper nudist. I don’t want to be cold. That’s one of the things clothes are best at: keeping you warm. I don’t want to get scratched. Another good reason to wear clothes: protection. I just like to swim and generally relax naked in the sun with other people who don’t care that you are naked because they are mature enough to understand that there is nothing to it. It is no big deal. What are people trying to hide? Only things we can all predict are there: vaginas, penises, breasts, etc. (Why did I say ‘etc’? Oh yes, my favourite — bottoms!)

  The fact is that very few people are looking at you anyway. And you are looking at very few people. I have found that most nudists are almost completely consumed with their own looks, far too consumed to care what others look like. Or alternatively, like me, they just don’t give a damn. They enjoy being naked and don’t consider it in the slightest.

  Once you take the clothes off, somehow the conversation seems to improve with total strangers. Odd, but it’s like, ‘This is just me, nothing to hide … Have a chat.’ You do find yourself making lots of eye contact.

  Swimming and just ‘being’ when you are naked is so relaxing and natural.

  Of course there are people you can’t help but notice, but you notice them in the same way you would if you were clothed. The very fat, the very beautiful. You just see them and think ‘Wow’, and get back to living.

  The clothed are quick to judge nudists, in many cases as deviants. That’s an outrage. Often this comes from the fact that they themselves are hung up on how they look. In general, people are very hung up on how they look to others, and mostly it’s just not that important. And when it comes to nudity, most people are very hung up. Get over yourself and visit one of these places. Take all your clothes off and feel the confidence you get by abandoning your inhibitions in front of strangers who have abandoned theirs.

  Choosing the best establishment is a bit like choosing the best cruise. With cruising, you have ships for the young party set at one extreme, through to cruises for the almost dead at the other. With nudist establishments, there are those for the sporty, the sexually hungry, the homosexual, the spiritual and so on. Get the choice wrong and things can be interesting, dull, outrageous or — in the case of the spiritual — bloody annoying.

  So I get pissed off with people who judge others because of their own prej
udices. Because they are different. In this case that covers the judgmental dressed. I also get pissed off with the precious. And, bizarrely, I have bumped into many precious nudists. The thing is, there is nothing clever about taking your clothes off in public. The whole point is that it is natural. And yet there are those, many of them classing themselves as spiritual or environmentally in touch, who seem to view nudism as close to God. They parade around in a trance-like, holier-than-thou state. Drifting around between workshops and therapies. They float each other around in the hot pools and just get in the fuck’n way. They hum and sort of chant … What the fuck?

  Again, choose the right establishment. Some are so precious that they don’t allow any technology, phones or laptops, etc. Worse, some don’t allow alcohol. How ridiculous is that? I love the ones with the extended happy hours.

  AROUSAL:

  Most clothing optional establishments have tips for first-timers. Clearly, having read these tips, one of the biggest concerns men must have is what to do with an unwanted erection. The tips say something like, ‘Just slip into the pool until it subsides.’ To be frank I have never experienced an unwanted erection. All of mine have been welcomed with open arms!