Outraged

by Paul Henry

  You might say to me, as many have, that if I don’t want to pay a surcharge I can choose not to frequent those that charge it. Believe you me, I do! At times to my complete inconvenience. Those businesses are missing out on my spending. But if more people had said no to surcharges, they would not exist, and our country would be better for it.

  I have seen surcharges of over 20 per cent being applied, with queues of people entering the premises. Rabid overcharging! Profiteering bastards! And foolish twats supporting them!

  If McDonald’s doesn’t need a surcharge, why does anyone?

  It might not be too late, but knowing New Zealanders as I do, it probably is. And bend …

  CALL TO ACTION:

  Condemn all businesses which charge public holiday surcharges by boycotting them on public holidays and perhaps at all times. Stand up straight and support those which don’t charge them, and make your reasons known.

  ANECDOTE:

  I found myself in Rotorua on a public holiday. Everywhere, small businesses run by nasty small-minded people were charging a surcharge to queues of customers happy to be ripped off. Not service stations, not dairies. They still have staff to pay, but magically they manage to do it without charging extra. I saw a sign at Rebel Sport: 40% off everything. How can that be? No surcharge and 40 per cent off? Is it creative accounting? No, it’s good business.

  COCA-COLA

  Dateline: July 2013, and, after decades of ignoring the increasingly alarming health trends in society, Coca-Cola has decided to admit to being part of the obesity problem. This manifests as something of a marketing campaign, presumably designed, as all good marketing campaigns are, to sell more product. All of a sudden the CEO is available for live interviews regarding society’s alarming trend to obesity and the soft drink’s obviously injurious links to it. ‘Yes, we use a shit-load of sugar … but we have products that are sugar-free. Yes, we sell family-sized packs large enough to bathe in … but we have small bottles, too. Yes, we are linked to fatties … but we want to be linked to sporty types.’

  You see, Coca-Cola has come up with a ridiculous plan, which the CEO can’t fully explain, to rid the company of any guilt and to fill the minds of the increasingly fat with good thoughts about the product. This will, it must be hoped by Coca-Cola, see sales skyrocket.

  This is such an unwise strategy for a company like Coke. Not because its CEO was such a poor performer when it came to fronting it, but because it is a huge admission that plays right into the hands of the company’s key detractors. These people, such as the ‘stop obesity’ campaigners, just want Coke shut down. They want extra taxes on products like sugar-rich soft drinks, and in their quiet moments probably dream of taking part in lynching mobs that end with the Coke CEO’s corpse being cut down from the tree and dowsed in the last bottle of his product to survive the great anti-sugar uprising.

  So Coke, here is what your PR and advertising masterminds should have told you: ‘These people will not be won over, so don’t engage with them.’

  It is Coke’s responsibility to return as much profit as possible to the stakeholders. It’s not Coke’s responsibility to fix a society coming apart at the seams as a result of people with the freedom to choose making the wrong choices for themselves and their children.

  NOTE TO PARENTS:

  If you are watching yourself and your children grow fat and unhealthy and are filling your shopping cart with Coke and similar products, if you are sending your children to school with a Coke a day and feeding it to your infants, then you are guilty of child abuse. You are a complete fuckwit and should be loudly condemned by society. You don’t need to be educated — you need to be ashamed of yourself. You are doing this: there is no one else to blame but you. Sort it out, for your children’s sake!

  NOTE TO OBESITY CAMPAIGNERS:

  Don’t pussyfoot around this issue anymore. It is not society in general that is at fault: point the finger to those responsible. The fools drinking and eating themselves into obesity. The abusive parents feeding convenience foods in huge quantities to their children. Why? Because they are convenient. They don’t need anyone else to take responsibility for this — they need to be told to take responsibility for it themselves. Read them the fuck’n Riot Act!

  NOTE TO COKE:

  Sell as much as you can, to make as much money as you can. If that means you need to find a new PR and marketing team, or even a new CEO, do it now. That’s your job.

  AUTHOR’S PREDICTION:

  Coke-free zones. Tax on Coke. Appalling anti-Coke advertisements, using Shortland Street actors and former All Blacks or current netball players giving testimonials on their Coke-free lives. Worse still, a chubby middle-aged Maori woman speaking in thoughtful tones, holding a photograph of her deceased mother: ‘Yup … She passed away because of “the Cokes”!’

  CULTURAL SENSITIVITY V HEALTH AND SAFETY

  A number of years ago I was visiting a relative in hospital. It was a large provincial hospital in the lower North Island. He was very sick, as were the other patients on the ward.

  When I turned the corner in the corridor from the lift to the ward, I could see a large, noisy family lying on the floor and basically blocking my path. They were eating, laughing, and just generally behaving as though they were at home in the front garden having a party. Their young children were running around unrestrained. These arrogant arseholes were thoughtlessly causing added angst to the staff, patients and other visitors there.

  It was unbelievable that this large Maori family could not give a damn for the feelings of others. But worse still was the attitude of hospital management, who had clearly given the green light to this behaviour on the basis that it was ‘culturally sensitive’ to do so. That is nothing short of offensive bullshit. Cultural sensitivity, my arse! These people were showing no sensitivity to others, and deserved none shown to them. The door was all they should have been shown.

  Hospitals are not for Maoris; they are not for any particular race. Hospitals are for the sick. And as such they should have their own set of codes and acceptable behaviour. It is cowardly political correctness of the worst kind that leads to hospitals’ acceptance of this kind of thing. It is also counter-productive to recuperation. Surely the hospital environment should be made as stress-free as possible? So in accepting this behaviour, hospital management are compromising health and creating an even more challenging environment for staff and patients. Cowards. Bloody cowards.

  I know this is not an isolated case, as I have on several occasions seen common areas and TV rooms completely overwhelmed by extended families basically living in hospitals. Fuck cultural sensitivity in such circumstances. God, most circumstances!

  NOTE TO DHBS:

  See if you can source a backbone and have it installed as soon as possible.

  NOTE TO MAORI AND OTHER RACES THAT SEE THEMSELVES AS ‘SPECIAL’:

  If you want treatment at one of our fine public health facilities, at the hands of the best Indian and Chinese medical professionals we can muster, remember this: it is not about you at all. It is about mending people and helping them cope with shit. Show respect to others and they will hopefully show respect to you. Do not intimidate others. Intimidation is the tool of the very stupid and socially corrupt.

  NOTE TO WARD STAFF:

  Print copies of this chapter, laminate them and post them on the wards. Just don’t let anyone catch you doing it — hospitals are full of socialist sympathisers.

  NOTE TO READER:

  This book would make an excellent gift for those in hospital, both patients and staff. Not your copy; it will get covered in germs. Purchase supplementary copies.

  POSSIBLE FACT:

  After reading this book, 100 per cent of patients recuperate 34 times faster than they would otherwise.

  DIETING

  For God’s sake, it’s not rocket science, is it? The proliferation of diet books is even more outrageous than that of cookbooks. You don’t need any diet books. None.

&nbs
p; The fuck’n grapefruit diet? Give me strength. Atkins? Jesus Christ!

  Ask yourself this: do I want to make someone else rich? Do I need another distraction from my need to lose weight? Why, if they work, are there so many diets and books and classes? Why, if any of it works, are there so many fatties?

  Here’s the thing. You are fat because you eat too much and don’t move enough. You will lose weight if you eat a bit less and move a bit more. Sorted!

  It is a fuck’n outrage how many people compromise their enjoyment of life because they are on some charlatan’s diet. Grow up and lose weight. Then enjoy your life a bit more. Stop fuck’n making excuses and boring others shitless with your tales of woe and fattiness. Stop making excuses for yourself. If you are fat and you are running your own life, get up onto your knees and sort it out. You are a burden on others and yourself. If you are not running your own life and someone else is making you fat, poison them, eat less and run like the wind.

  NOTE:

  If you are fat or overweight and you are okay with it, if you are not constantly on diets, purchasing diet products, making others rich off your despair, or sucking the life blood out of those around you with your disastrous life choices … good for you. Nothing wrong with a bit of extra weight. If you’re fat and you love it, clap your hands. And if you’re too fat to clap your hands, have your nurse clap for you.

  FACT:

  Fat people who vote Labour are 63 per cent less likely to lose any weight than fat people who vote National.

  ADDITIONAL FACT:

  The person who cares the most about your weight is the person you are paying to help you lose it. Just like all lawyers, if things are going badly for you, it’s payday for them!

  AUTHOR’S TOP NINE TIPS FOR LOSING WEIGHT:

  Eat less.

  Eat less.

  Eat less.

  Eat less.

  Eat less.

  Eat less.

  Eat less.

  Eat less.

  Move more.

  DRIVING

  Driving: it’s the great social leveller. We have to mingle. The rich, the poor. The good, the bad and the ugly are shoulder to shoulder. The competent and complete morons are no more than inches apart — if you’re lucky!

  Now let me be quite clear, up-front. I don’t want to share the roads with anyone at all. So the current situation is completely unacceptable. It is quite simply … an outrage.

  To be honest, I am not a perfect driver. I very occasionally find myself in the wrong lane. And I very often drive too fast. When these things happen, I expertly and courteously handle the situation. If only that could be said about others.

  I am constantly frustrated by the effort that goes into enforcing the speed limit when there are thousands of people driving arrogantly and dangerously at all speeds. Yes, speed kills — but so does complete fuck’n incompetence. Get those bastards before I am forced to take up arms against them. You don’t have much time, I am close to breaking point!

  I reluctantly accept that there are many different people driving with many different motivations and social distractions. For me, though, when you are driving that has to be the thing. You might have a child screaming in the back, but, fuck it, at that moment you are a driver not a mother. You might have just lost your job, but you are driving, so that doesn’t matter. You might be Asian, but try to concentrate … Fuck’n concentrate on driving! I love cars almost as much as I love boats. And almost as much as I hate people. So obviously I detest those who fumble through the process of motoring just as they fumble through life. I have heard many people bemoan the fact you can have children without a licence but you can’t drive without a licence. God, some of those who have managed to secure a driver’s licence could never manoeuvre their private parts into such tight, dark places to ever procreate. Thank Christ!

  THE MOST FUCK’N ANNOYING THINGS MORONS ARE DOING ON MY ROADS:

  So, here it is. An incomplete list of the most fuck’n annoying things morons are doing on my roads. In no particular order.

  Braking on the motorway: The motorway is not for braking. The only reason to brake on a motorway is to avoid a collision. You don’t brake to change lanes; you indicate and drive into gaps. You don’t brake because you have missed something or seen something or for any random reason. It is alarmingly easy to cause accidents on the motorway, and a set of brake lights can be all it takes. A set of brake lights and a moron behind the wheel.

  Speeding up when there is a passing lane: It is a passing lane designed for passing. You know there is a car or two behind you, so why do you speed up when there is a passing lane? If this is you — you are an arse of the highest order! Much effort has been put into studying why some drivers do this, and a consensus view is that bad drivers feel more at ease increasing speed when the road width increases. Bad drivers — yes, that’s you, a bad driver who should be forced off the road by penalties so harsh that you have to sell your vehicle to pay the fine. If you are a slow driver, fair enough. Just don’t slow others down. Be considerate of those who don’t want to waste their lives behind you.

  Asian drivers: Okay, so maybe not all Asian drivers, just most. If I see someone doing the things on this list in Auckland, I automatically think they must be Asian, and when I see they are not, I am surprised. Why? Is it because I am racist? No. It’s because when I see drivers doing many of the things on this list, chances are they are Asian. Fact, not racism! Often highly educated, often good with money and business. Generally better at life than non-Asians — so why are they pains in the arse on the road?

  Uneven speeds: So you are involved in a conversation. Maybe texting or just enjoying your own brand of mindlessness. Whatever it is, it is making you change speed. Slow to fast … to slow … I just don’t want to be on the road with you. Concentrate on driving or stay indoors!

  Driving slowly in the fast lane: I have been told it is not the fast lane at all, but the overtaking lane. Whatever it is, it is where I like to be, because I drive fast. I hate those who stay in the fast lane as others overtake them to their left. You are going too slowly: shift or be shifted. Do these people think it is their job to act as a sort of rolling blockade to slow me down? Live your life in the slow lane if you want, but stay out of my life. Move over, I’m coming through!

  Lane-hoppers: You cause accidents. You drive in an unsafe way at speed and should be stopped. The only excuse for this behaviour is avoiding slow twats in the fast lane!

  Campervans: If you can’t drive at the speed limit, or confine yourself to the hours of 2.30am to 4am, stay off my road. I can’t believe how inconsiderate some of these road maggots are. There are rules regarding pulling over, if only you knew them. Remember, it’s your holiday not mine. Keep it to yourself, you feral, bohemian pensioner.

  Not knowing where you are or want to be: You are lost, not the poor people forced to share the road with you. Pull well off the road and call for help. Actually just pull well off the road. Do not slow down and peer in all directions. Do not mindlessly change speed and direction, oblivious to others. Your bewilderment translates as arrogant stupidity.

  Changing lanes to avoid queues of traffic: Oh, this is a goodie. You should be locked up, you arsehole! So others are queuing for a turn-off or motorway entrance and you purposely drive in the wrong adjacent lane, until the last minute, and then force your way in. So you think you are better than everyone else, your time is more important. You fuck’n arsehole. But worse than you are the little shits who let you in. Cowardly little shits who smile at you and leave a gap. I despise you all. Including those who leave gaps in front of them in the queue just big enough for these shits to slimy their way in. When you let these morons in, you are extending the queue for everyone behind you as well. And we are the nice ones. Shoot these people.

  Not indicating: I passed my driving test in England. My driving instructor said to me, ‘Always remember this — it doesn’t matter how badly you are doing something, so long as you make it perfectly clear t
o others what it is you are trying to do.’

  He also had this pearl of wisdom: ‘You will never get into trouble on the road if you never do anything that causes anyone else to either slow down or change direction.’ Not perfect, but pretty good advice. Clearly unknown to many. Indicate. And indicate in time. Don’t brake then indicate, or slow and turn and indicate, you halfwit! If you do this, know this: I detest you! You have no right to be on the road with such an arrogant attitude.

  Parking like a dick: If it is not an angle park, don’t park on an angle. Park in the centre of your park. I get so annoyed at inconsiderate shits who take up more than their park as a result of their negligent parking. They should instantly be towed at huge personal expense. I have tolerance, however, for those who take up a great deal of space because they drive large vehicles, as long as they have parked well. If it is overlapping due to size, that’s okay!

  ADDITIONAL ROAD-RELATED ANNOYANCES: