“Him stepping out, you mean?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever not be bothered by it. Right when it happened, it almost got swallowed up by our new life. Doctor visits. Chemo. Radiation. Knowing that no matter how hard he fought, the end would still be the same. I didn’t allow myself time to really digest the fact that he had sex with another woman. Didn’t really feel the sting of his betrayal.”
He scoffs. “Betrayal.”
I nod my head. “It’s hard, you know? Not knowing what would have happened if I hadn’t walked in on them. If it would have continued or been a one-time thing. Of course, he assured me over and over again that it was a stupid mistake — which, obviously…” I breathe out a laugh and roll my eyes.
“Well I guess there’s a bright and dark side to everything.”
“There really is. It’s part of why I had such a hard time opening Dreamin’ Beans. It was guilt money. You know? Or, that’s how I looked at it. It was just hard to take, but when I got to thinking about it, I thought, well hell yeah, I’ll take it. I mean, I deserved it. Bri deserved to have some sort of legacy.”
He thinks for a moment on everything I just told him.
I like that he’s not yelling in my defense or getting angry. He’s just listening.
“When Heather cheated, I couldn’t see any future where I wasn’t riddled with hurt and anger. Honestly, I thought I would die a bitter and pissed off old man, yelling at kids from my front porch and stabbing people with my cane,” he tells me grinning, and I laugh lowly. “But soon I started to realize that life is a bitch. We were never guaranteed this life here to be easy. And as much as I would like to blame her, be pissed forever, keep my boys from her, it’s just not in me. The bitterness has been taking over my life, Christine. Just like you said it would, and I realized that it was hurting me more than her. And the boys. I was becoming an ass to live with.”
“Andy… no. That’s not true.”
“Oh, it is,” he says, nodding his head and scrubbing a hand down his face. “The boys even asked me why I was always so mad, and the guys at work? They’re on pins and needles around me.”
“You’ve been through a lot.” I nod my understanding.
He leans his head back against the headrest and taps his thumb on the center console of his pickup. “It’s not easy to move on though, is it?”
I slide my feet out of my dark brown Uggs and tuck one leg under the other, turning to face him. The side of my head rests against the back of the seat, and I keep my voice quiet. “No, it is definitely not.”
“But when you do, man it’s like the most freeing thing in the world. To be rid of that anger, that hurt, and… her.”
I swallow and roll my lips together before asking, “So if she came crawling back?”
There’s no hesitation in his answer. “I have no desire. I mean, what’s that teaching my boys? I know forgiveness and all that… blah blah blah… but honestly? Is that only teaching them that it’s totally okay to screw over the ones you love most and just beg for forgiveness later? It’s like that old crappy saying, I’d rather ask forgiveness than permission. What kind of bullshit is that? It’s awful, the worst saying in the world. Yet that’s what we seem to live by because, yeah, we need to forgive. I get that. I’ve forgiven. Or, almost, anyway.” He smirks before continuing. “I’ve moved on. I’ve not forgotten, and I never will. I also know that I deserve more than that. I deserve a wife who’s willing to give me exactly what I’m willing to give her. Everything. It just is what it is, you know?”
“And the boys? How do they feel about everything that’s happening? Do you think they want her back home?”
“Oh, they would probably kick my ass if I even dreamed of taking her back. I hate that for them. In the beginning, she was a good mom. I’d never deny that. For a few years, anyway. She turned, though. Nothing was ever enough for her. She felt stuck and in feeling that, she hurt my boys.”
The words he just quietly admitted have me gasping. “Wait. They knew?”
He winces slightly then lifts one shoulder and drops it. “She wasn’t good at hiding her discontent. It wasn’t lost on them that they were more of a burden than a blessing to her.”
“Oh, Andy…”
“She dug that hole, and I’m not throwing the dirt on her or anything, but she’s gonna need to be the one who picks up that shovel or builds the ladder to get herself out of it. They deserve a mom who’s willing to throw everything in to get them back and right now, she’s just simply not doing the work.
“I don’t know — maybe she doesn’t give a shit. But if she doesn’t, then I want her gone. Even more than she is already. She left without even looking back. We’ll see what she says when we meet for the divorce proceedings.”
My head jerks up at his mention of divorce and he notices. “Yeah, my lawyer is drawing up the papers now. She hasn’t come around, Christine. She hasn’t called. Doesn’t seem to even give a shit. Who does that? They turned fourteen and not even a text was sent to either of them. It blows my mind. She lost her right and, as shitty as it sounds, we’ve been better off. Even with my anger that can’t seem to dim, the boys seem happier without her. Still sucks, though.”
“I hate to break it to you, but it’s gonna suck for a while. Those boys—“
“Need a woman in their lives who is going to teach them the things their dad can’t,” he finishes for me. “Every boy needs a mama. Just like Bri needed to have that fatherly figure, and thank God for Barrett, right?”
I smile at the thought of how much the Ryan men have meant to us, what they’ve done in our lives. “Oh man. Right? He’s been so good for her, and having Grady and Cole around is amazing. Obviously, Grady’s role is a tad different.” We both laugh, knowing that Grady and Bri were friends for many years before recently bridging the gap into a relationship. “We’ve made it fine. That’s not to say she doesn’t still and won’t always miss her dad. No one can replace one’s parent, you know? But, I think in some cases, that’s not an option.”
He turns in his seat, facing me. My head rolls to the side, looking back at him. It’s a position we find ourselves in often, I’m noticing. It feels intimate, especially with the soft looks he gives me. When he finally speaks, his voice is filled with compassion and curiosity, not pity. “Do you ever think about what would have happened if he hadn’t gotten sick?”
I press my lips together and close my eyes briefly, remembering the nights I lay awake thinking that exact same thing. Sometimes crying myself to sleep. Sometimes angrily stomping through the house cleaning on a rampage. “I used to. I don’t anymore.”
“Why?”
“The only thing I have keeping me from going there is knowing that whatever he had with her was over before it really got started. At least on his end. He had made it clear to her that he wanted to cut ties. I know it makes me sound weak or gullible, but I believed him when he told me that it meant nothing to him. And I don’t want to wonder if it would have happened if he hadn’t been worried about the diagnosis he had just received.”
“Doesn’t make you sound weak. You trusted your instincts. Still, though, that’s rough,” he mumbles.
I shrug my shoulders but can’t deny that. “No rougher than walking in on him with someone. Or her, in your case.”
“That did suck, gotta admit.” He grins and shakes his head. “Dunno. I’m glad I did. The image is burned into my head, so that part sucks, but seeing is definitely believing, I’ll just say that. I was living too much in denial until I saw it.”
“No one blames you for that, though. And you shouldn’t blame yourself. You were living that way because you cared about your boys. I had a lot of denial afterward, too. I was so worried about Bri finding out and threw myself into caring for him during his illness. There’s not an instruction manual on how to handle it, Andy. The boys are happy and adjusting well, from what I understand.”
He nods in agreement and rests his head on the head
rest, mimicking my posture.
For long moments, we sit in silence before he reaches over the center console and wraps his hand around mine, the only sound in the cab of the pickup our breathing. Our fingers naturally link together, and he stares at them resting on his console for a moment before lifting his eyes to me. “Can I ask what changed?”
“What do you mean?” he asks me, eyes bunching up.
“You said that you decided not to let the bitterness take over.”
The way he looks at me, like he’s examining me, taking everything in, almost makes me squirm in my seat. He bites his bottom lip, and I see the white of his teeth.
“You really wanna know?”
My heart rate picks up at the way he’s looking at me. The way his thumb is brushing across the top of my hand. I bite my lip, and his eyes drift to my mouth. “I do.”
“You.”
I take a deep breath, letting that simple statement wash over me. “Me?” My voice is barely above a whisper.
“You,” he repeats quietly. “When I walked into Dreamin’ Beans that night, you told me to be happy. And every time I’m around you, I feel this lightness. When the boys asked me the other night why I was so short with them, I realized that I was letting her win. She doesn’t deserve it. And my boys definitely don’t deserve it.”
He releases a shuddering breath and squeezes my fingers. I try not to wince at the pressure.
“Andy…” I try to keep pity from my voice, but everything about this is breaking my heart.
The fact that he feels so lost, like a failure to his boys.
“I’m fine, sweetheart. It’s just… the holidays and everything. I guess life is catching up to me. Too much time on my hands to think when we’re in our slower season at work, too. I’m sorry for dumping this on you.”
I try not to dwell on the fact that he called me sweetheart. “Don’t be. I’m glad you stopped in tonight.”
“Me, too.” He pauses then smiles at me, seeming to snap out of his sullen manner. “So, how long do you think Carly plans to leave James in the friend zone?”
A laugh bubbles out of me unexpectedly. He does the change in subject thing amazingly well. “He has it bad, doesn’t he?”
“Sounds that way, though I haven’t spent much time with the guy. But, of course, Josh and Barrett talk about it all the time like a couple of high schoolers.”
I burst out laughing. “They’re so nosey.”
He smiles my way, and I know.
The boys are going to be just fine.
Because Andy is going to be just fine.
Better than fine.
And hopefully.
One day.
He’ll be happy again.
6
Andy
“Say what now?” I ask, choking back a laugh.
I’m out to dinner with the guys — Barrett, Josh, and James. Tonight’s dinner has been a good distraction from life in general. But when James informs us that the owner of El Charro, the local Mexican restaurant in town, just called to inform him that his sister and her friends are three sheets to the wind drunk, my ears perk up.
“Well, boys, looks like we have a rescue mission.”
“Oh boy, now the whole Captain America thing is going to your head.” Barrett lightly shoves James, and we all laugh.
Of course, I hope that Christine is included in that group of friends because I want to see her. Any chance I can get anymore, it seems. A week ago, I was in a bad way and all I could think was I need Christine. And she was there. Immediately. No questions asked.
I can’t get her out of my head. Not for a while now but especially not since her scent overwhelmed the cab of my pickup as she listened to me ramble on. She’s everything Heather was not, which is only part of the appeal.
The next morning after our talk at the docks, I walked in to Dreamin’ Beans for a coffee, and the smile she shot my way nearly buckled my knees.
That afternoon, I just so happened to offer to get coffee for my crew.
Such a burden having to see her twice in a day.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” I slap Josh on the back, and he chuckles.
A few minutes into our dinner tonight I may have let it slip that Christine and I had been talking, and there’s no way this nosey group of buggers didn’t pick up on it. In fact, they promised me we would be coming back to that conversation later.
Luckily, their plan was thwarted by learning that Tess and her friends are making a scene at a Mexican restaurant.
When I pull into the parking lot of El Charro, I look around for Christine’s car, pleasantly surprised to see it sitting there. But when we get inside? That’s a horse of a different color. Surprise doesn’t even begin to express what I’m seeing.
Tess and Lauren, Josh’s wife, are slow dancing together while Christine has her phone in the air, swaying back and forth with a blissful smile on her face, encouraging every odd moment that’s happening. Carly has her head on the table, looking like she’s well past her limit. The four of us stand there, staring at the odd performance in front of us, before we individually jump into action.
Tess is in Barrett’s arms in a flash.
Lauren runs to Josh just as quickly but trips over her own two feet along the way and face plants into his chest.
James moves to Carly’s side, his head bent toward hers as she mumbles something. But me? My sole focus is on the curvy, petite, dark-haired beauty before me.
“So. How’s your night?” I ask, a teasing smile on my lips.
“Hi, Andy.” Her voice is quiet, her lips a glossy pink, her eyes sparkling. Everything about her is pulling me to her in this moment.
“Did you guys drink your dinner?”
“We aren’t that bad!” She tries protesting but stumbles into my arms instead.
I catch her, willingly.
“Thanks,” she mumbles into my chest, but I simply tighten my arms around her.
“Anytime,” I murmur and inadvertently press my face into her hair, inhaling deeply.
“Did you just sniff me?” She shifts, looking up at me.
I smile at her. “I did.”
“And? What’s the verdict?”
“You smell like a tequila factory at the moment.” She laughs so hard she folds herself in half. I have to work to hold her up and bring her closer. “But I have no doubt under normal circumstances that you would smell incredible.”
When she finally stops laughing, she says, still smiling, “How do you know that?”
“Because someone as gorgeous as you are couldn’t possibly smell bad.”
“You think I’m gorgeous?”
I cock an eyebrow. “You’re the definition.”
“I hope I remember this in the morning.”
“Me, too,” I admit.
“What are the chances of that happening, do you think?”
I hold up two fingers spaced barely apart. “Probably not very likely.”
She squints and huffs out an angry breath. “Remind me?”
“Of course.”
And that it isn’t a lie. I have no problem reminding her every single day that she’s gorgeous. That realization should have me stumbling. I’m not divorced yet, though the papers are ready to be served. I shouldn’t be having these types of thoughts and feelings for another woman. But they’re there, and I can’t deny them.
“Come on, let me drive you home. I’ll come get you in the morning so we can get your car.”
Fifteen minutes later, we’re pulling into her driveway. Christine is snoring in the passenger seat of my pickup, her head resting against the window. No doubt she’ll be hurting in the morning. I reach across the console, jostling her arm a little, hoping to wake her up.
“Christine, we’re home.”
She mumbles, shifting in her seat, and brings her hands up under her head while pulling her legs up under her, getting more comfortable.
I bite back a laugh while I continue to try waking her up.
She sits up quickly, looking around like a frightened puppy. “Where the hell am I?” she shouts then grabs her head and groans.
I chuckle at her confusion. “I drove you home from El Charro. You had just a tad too much to drink tonight.”
She looks over at me, clarity seeming to take over. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
She wipes at the bit of drool on her face and smiles sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”
“Did you have fun tonight?”
“I think so. I’m fairly positive I’ll never be able to set foot in El Charro ever again, though. Did we get kicked out?”
“Nah. The owner called James and just let us know you guys needed rides home.”
“Well that’s embarrassing.”
I chuckle. “It was entertaining to see, that’s for sure.”
“Well, thanks for the ride.” She tries getting out of the pickup and can’t even find the door handle. I put a hand on her arm, stopping her lack of progress.
“Not a chance. I’m walking you in.”
“What about the boys?”
She always asks, and something about that makes my heart feel pretty damn good. Knowing that she cares, has concern for their well-being. Even in her drunken state of mind, they’re on hers.
“They’re old enough to be home by themselves for a bit. I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I don’t know that you’re okay.”
“Andy Simpson. You could charm the panties straight off just about anyone, you know that? You’re like the hottest guy everrrrrrrr.”
I choke on my tongue, not expecting those words to have come out of her mouth.
“What did you say?” I ask her, laughing.
“What?”
I honestly don’t think she realizes what she just said.
“Nothing,” I murmur, a grin taking over my face. But it’s not nothing. In fact, I’ll probably be reliving those words for quite some time. Possibly later tonight. Alone.
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