“Come here.” I hold my arm out as I sit on one of the chairs that are set around the stone fire pit in our back yard.
The boys both walk over, looking like their feet are full of lead.
“Just tell us.” Aidan, the bolder of my two boys, the natural leader. He’s a no-nonsense kid, always honest, sometimes to a fault.
I blow out a breath and lean my elbows on my knees.
“Your mom is inside. She wants to talk to you.”
“No, she doesn’t. She doesn’t care.” He looks away quickly and sniffs.
I can’t lie to my boys. Does she care? Hell if I know. I stay silent instead of giving them a sense of false hope.
“Then why is she leaving? Why did she already leave? For him? She just cares more about herself than us, so why should we care to go in there and have her tell us that?” Reece angrily swipes at a tear, his voice strong, even for his age.
“She’s—”
“Boys.” Heather’s voice cuts through, and all three of us turn to look at her. She’s standing on the bottom stair of the deck. Mascara smudged under her eyes, a few strands of hair falling out of her sloppy ponytail.
Neither of the boys makes a move toward her. Her eyes connect with mine, and I lift my chin and nod, hoping that she’ll be the mature one of the group and come to them. I stand up, grab another chair, and pull it near mine. I point to it while looking at her, and she takes a tentative step down off the stairs. I watch as her shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath and her hands holding a tissue twist together in front of her.
She makes her way over and sits down. No longer feeling a bit of empathy for her in this situation, I lean on the arm of the chair opposite of her. The boys take notice of my position, and I feel a twinge of guilt, but only for a moment.
She’s making this choice. This is on her, not me.
“Get on with it, Mom,” Aidan bites out, his eyes filling with tears that I know will only build on his anger.
“Boys…” She sniffles and reaches out to them. Neither leans forward to grasp her hand. She winces, apparently realizing they aren’t going to let her touch them, and slumps lower in her seat. “It’s not… I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“Sorry for what, Mom?” Reece says, not hiding the fact that he’s crying. “Why are you sorry? Why aren’t we good enough? Why did you leave? Why are you leaving again?”
“I wish I had the words, I truly do.”
“Just go,” Aidan doesn’t even look her in the eye.
“Aidan.”
“What? What do you want me to say? That I want you to stay? Why would I want you to stay if you don’t want us?”
“I do!”
“No, you don’t. You don’t care. You never did.”
“I care. I love you boys so much.”
“Apparently love isn’t what I thought it was, then.” Aidan’s words are well beyond his fourteen years and break my heart even further. The thought that this is what they think, that this is what love is, pisses me off.
“Boys, I just—”
“Your mom doesn’t love me anymore.” I blow out a breath and look over at the woman who I once thought would be my forever. Her eyes plead with me to save her. Just like I always did. But I’m done. I’ve done the best I can do, the best that I can even think of in light of this messed up situation.
“So, you just don’t love Dad anymore? How does that happen? And why leave us all? We have friends whose parents are divorced, and their moms didn’t just leave completely.”
“Because…” She looks at me again, but I have no words to help her anymore. This is on her. “Because I’m not good enough.”
“Whatever, you just don’t want us!” Aidan cries out and stands up from his chair, knocking it over in the process. He points to her. “You’re just a coward! A big baby selfish coward who cares more about herself than anyone else! You don’t want us? Well, we don’t want you, either! You’ve been gone for months, and we didn’t miss you. Not a minute, right, Reece?” He turns to look at his brother then shifts back to his mom. “Not a minute. Because guess what. You can’t miss someone who doesn’t care about you! So leave. Go away with your jerk of a boyfriend.”
She reaches for him, and her cries have turned to sobs.
“He’s right.” Reece nods his head and stands up, putting his arm around Aidan’s shoulders. “We didn’t miss you. Just leave and get it over with. And you were right, too. You aren’t good enough. You’re nothing like a mother.”
I stand up, not being able to take another minute of it, and move next to my boys.
“Heather. You need to be honest. Tell the boys what you told me.”
She opens her mouth and a squeak escapes her.
“Heather,” I repeat, my voice stern.
I watch as she looks down at her lap and slowly stands up, swiping the tissue under her eyes before raising her gaze to the boys. She briefly looks to me then shifts her attention to them. “I’m so sorry.” Her voice is quiet. “I’m so, so sorry. I wish I had better words for you. I wish I could be what you need. What you deserve. It’s not you — you need to know that, okay? I do love you. That is not why I’m leaving. I’m just simply not good enough. I’m not cut out to be the mother you need. The mother anyone needs.”
“Heather,” I warn.
“Um. So. Your dad…”
“Heather,” I warn again. “Do not put this on me.”
“I’m-taking-the-cabin,” she says fast, the words run together.
“What?” Reece asks, his voice low and angry.
“I don’t understand,” Aidan says, a moment of sadness escaping him.
“I know. I know you don’t.”
“Wait. Dad? Can she do that? Take the cabin?”
I sigh and drop my head, closing my eyes for a moment. “It’s just a cabin. You’re more important.”
“Mom? Why would you do that?”
She glances at me then watches her — my — boys closely. Then she takes a deep breath and straightens her shoulders.
“Reece. Aidan. I lied to your father. I wanted to be what I thought he wanted me to be. I knew he wanted kids. I knew he wanted the life we had. And I loved him enough that I thought I could give that to him. But… and this is not on you. It’s on me. Something inside me, it’s… broken I guess. I figured that once I became a mom I would feel different. Happy.”
“That still doesn’t explain why you think you have to take away the cabin from us. From Dad’s family. You’re such a selfish bitch.”
Heather gasps, and my eyes bug out of my head at Reece’s quick use of the word, but now’s not the time to be getting on him about using a cuss word. Besides. He’s not wrong.
“Well, I hope you’re happy now… taking away the cabin. Being away from us. What kind of person does that?” Aidan shouts. “You never even liked to go there!”
“Oh, kiddo… when you get older you’ll understand.”
I guarantee neither of them will ever understand her.
“Thanks,” Aidan scoffs.
Reece apparently has had enough, though. He points at her, and she flinches at the anger in his eyes that’s aimed directly at her. “You know what? We don’t want you! We don’t need you!” He’s shouting loudly; his chest is rising and falling quickly. “Since you left? We’ve been so much better off without you in our lives. Dad is a hundred times better of a parent than you ever were.” He takes a deep breath before he glares at her then says in a low voice full of hurt and rage, “You’re a crappy parent, and we hate you. Just leave. We’re better off.”
“Reece,” I mumble and reach for him, but he yanks his hand away. Aidan seems slightly stunned by his brother’s outburst but lifts his shoulders and puffs out his chest so he’s at full height next to him.
“No. Dad. She wanted to tell us everything? Well, now she can hear everything we have to say, too.” He turns to look directly at her. “We really, really don’t need you around. What kind of awful person are you? You�
��re taking the cabin? The cabin that’s been in Dad’s family for years? Our happy place? You hated it there! What do you even care!”
“I…”
Realizing that nothing Heather could say will make the boys, or me for that matter, understand, and if possible, she might be making things worse, I decide the conversation is done. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”
She looks at me, and I stare back, unfeeling. There was a point where seeing her cry would have brought me to my knees. Where seeing a hint of her sadness would have caused me to do about anything to change it. But those moments are gone. They’ve been gone for a while. Definitely since seeing her having sex with another man. But it was before that.
“I…”
“Bye,” the boys say at the same time, not giving her any more emotion than she deserves.
She walks closer, and they both flinch when she opens her arms like she is going to give them a hug. Aidan turns away first, giving her his back. Reece simply shakes his head at her then walks away, back into the house.
Heather looks to me, tears flowing freely from her eyes. I shrug, not knowing what she wants me to say. She did this; I need to remind myself of that. This wasn’t my choice.
Without another word, Heather turns on her heel and runs toward the house. Less than a minute later, I hear a car engine start up, and with that, she’s gone.
Less than a minute after that I hear a loud crash and know the boys aren’t as okay with it as they tried to play off. And I can’t blame them. One bit.
13
Christine
I’m fumbling with grocery bags as I walk in the door. It’s been a long day, trying to help at Balance while still managing everything at Dreamin’ Beans. And, of course, the constant worry going on in my head since I woke up this morning, knowing that Heather was going to be meeting up with Andy today.
My phone rings, and the screen lights up with Andy’s smiling face. It was a rare moment I caught him in, his worry for the boys being at the forefront of his mind, but he was laughing at something James said at his wedding to Carly, and I managed to capture the picture. James and Andy are even farther apart in age than he and I, but that hasn’t stopped them from growing increasingly close. Their own little bromance. Which is nice because Carly and I are such good friends.
Andy has needed time to work out some of his frustrations, and he loves working with his hands. James definitely has plenty to do at Balance, so Andy’s been helping at the restaurant as much as he can.
James and Carly had her son Jack and his daughter Lily stand up for them in the wedding a few weeks ago. It was a quiet ceremony in Tess and Barrett’s backyard.
Carly looked beautiful in her ivory lace fitted gown, and James looked amazing in his dark blue suit.
Andy and I didn’t go together as each other’s dates, but he didn’t leave my side the entire night.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
By the sound of his voice, things didn’t go incredibly well.
“I hate to ask, but how’d it go?”
“As expected.”
“She left?”
“She did.”
“How are they?”
“Not good. It’s not like they weren’t expecting it, but still.”
My heart breaks for those sweet boys, and it makes me nervous, knowing what’s to come. They already think it’s their fault. I can’t imagine what the finality of this will do to them.
“What can I do?”
“Come over?”
I pause, wondering if that’s the best idea. Andy and the boys spent a few weeks at their home after Heather left, but it seemed like it messed with the boys’ heads. And Andy didn’t want any part of being there. Not with Heather having had sex with another man in their bed. He spent a little bit of time at Barrett and Tess’s house until he found a temporary place to stay. Fortunately, what he found ended up being permanent, rather than temporary, and they were able to move their things just once. Helped give the boys some stability, which, in their world, was needed.
The friendship between Andy and me has grown naturally, and the boys don’t seem at all bothered by my presence, but it’s not lost on me that things between Andy and me seem to be progressing to more than just friendship. I don’t know if Andy is ready for anything more, or if the boys are ready for that, or even I. But I can’t say that I’m not interested in trying. In seeing if there really is something more between us.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Yes.” His response is instant.
“Okay.”
“You’ll come?”
“Yes. As long as you’re sure. And that it will be okay with the boys.”
“I’m sure, and it is. I asked them before I called.”
My heart does a little flip inside my chest, and my stomach tightens. “You did?”
“I did. They want you to come.”
“They do?”
His voice softens. “They adore you, Christine.”
“I adore them,” I tell him, my voice soft also.
I want to tell him I adore him. That I could see myself more than just adoring him. But he just met with his wife, soon to be ex-wife, and now isn’t the time to stake my claim.
He pauses also, and I wonder where his thoughts are heading. He clears his throat. “So, when can you be here?”
“Um, I just got home from the store, and I need to put away the groceries and…” I hesitate.
“And?”
“I haven’t showered today. I look kinda gross.”
He chuckles. “Not even possible.”
“Oh, you have no idea.”
“Christine, we want you here as you are, any way we can get ya.”
A flock of hummingbirds must have just taken flight in my stomach.
“You want me to bring anything? Food?”
“Nah, just yourself. We’re just going to grill some burgers since and relax here tonight. Maybe watch the new Avengers movie or something. I feel like we need a night to regroup.”
“And you’re positive I won’t be in the way of that?”
“Absolutely positive. All of us would prefer you be here with us. Please, Christine? We need your happy tonight.”
Well, how could I ever say no to that?
“I’ll be over in just a bit. Let me get these put away. Maybe I can bring over the stuff for sundaes?”
“Do you have it or need to make an extra stop?”
“Umm—”
He interrupts, “Because if you have to make an extra stop, don’t worry about it. We just want you here.”
Sigh.
“I have it.”
“Okay, yeah. They’d like that. I’ll see you soon, yeah?”
“Yeah, Andy. I’ll be there soon.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.”
Twenty minutes later, I pull up to Andy’s house along the curb and get out. The boys are both in the front playing basketball in the driveway, obviously enjoying the unseasonably warm temperatures.
“Hey, boys! How’s the game?”
“Hey, Christine,” they both mumble, and if possible my heart breaks even more for them.
I round the car and open the passenger door. The second I get it open, Aidan is standing next to me, reaching around to grab the bag of groceries off my seat.
“Thank you, kiddo.” I ruffle his hair, and he grins up at me but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Dad said you were bringing ice cream?” Reece asks.
“Yup. And toppings so we can do sundaes. Where’s your dad?”
“In the back starting the grill.”
“Should we go put this inside then go join him?”
“Sure.” Reece shrugs, and Aidan nods in agreement. I follow them both inside where we put the ice cream in the freezer. I love Andy’s home. He had Tess, who’s an interior designer, come over and help him decorate it. It’s masculine but still feels homey and warm. They’re
watching me put things away, both quietly sitting on the bar stools by the counter. I wipe the crumbs off the countertop with a wet washcloth then lean over it on my elbows.
“Hey.” At the sound of my voice, they both slowly shift their bodies so they’re sitting up straighter. Without thinking, I reach out and grab each of their hands. I wait until I have their eyes on me and take a deep breath.
“You boys are absolutely incredible.”
Aidan immediately looks away, and Reece’s eyes become shiny with tears.
“Can you look at me?” My voice is soft and hopefully reassuring. As soon as they do, I squeeze their hands.
“This isn’t about you, you hear me? You are amazing, sweet, smart, and lovable, and two of the best boys I’ve ever met. This isn’t about you,” I repeat.
“She doesn’t want us.” Reece sniffles.
“It doesn’t matter,” Aidan grumbles. “We don’t want her, either.”
“You matter.”
Aidan scoffs, so I continue. “You matter so much. Your mom loves you. She just doesn’t know how to be the mom you need her to be, you understand? I think she loves you enough…”
“She’s a big stupid baby who only cares about herself, Christine.”
“Aidan’s right. She doesn’t care.”
I bite my lip to stop myself from crying, and I know they don’t need words right now. I release their hands and round the counter. They turn to face me, so I pull them both up into a hug. Shockingly, Aidan breaks first, crumbling into tears as he leans on me. I lower us to the floor where the three of us sit, my arms wrapped as best as I can around both of them.
“Why aren’t we good enough?” Reece cries.
“Oh, kiddo. You are. You are good enough. Both of you.”
“She doesn’t want us.”
I try to think of what they need to hear and feel lost so I decide for as much honesty as I think they can handle.
I lean back, still holding both boys as much as I can.
“You hear what I’m about to say to both of you, understand?”
They both nod, so I continue.
“It is her loss. You are both fantastic boys. I told you already but it deserves to be told again, because it’s truth. You’re funny, kind, smart, sweet, easy to be around, and so many other things. Her leaving isn’t anything that you could have changed. It is all on her. She’s the one who will be missing out on all things as awesome as you two.”
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