by Ali Berman
I raise my hand.
“Yes, Ben?”
“We did evolve. I mean, there is proof. I watched a documentary about it and they had all sorts of skeletons that show what human ancestors were like hundreds of thousands of years ago.”
The class is silent. Mr. Thompson smiles at me.
“Ben, Earth is just under six thousand years old. That’s when it was created. That’s when man was created. That’s fact. What you saw was scientific propaganda.”
“But they have things like carbon dating that prove Earth is way older. Like a few billion years older. The creation stuff in the Bible is just a myth, right? I mean, every religion has one. A story that tells how the universe was created.”
“And you believe you’re related to primates?” he asks.
“Well, yeah.”
The class starts laughing.
“You’re new here, Ben, so you’ll need some time to adjust. I recommend you pick up a book at the school library on creationism so you can get the facts down. Otherwise, you might find yourself saying incorrect things without meaning to. Because right now you’re saying things that will get you a seat in detention . . . and in hell. And I don’t think any of us want that, now do we?”
At this point, I decide to stop talking. I keep my head down and avoid eye contact with the rest of the class. I feel them staring at me. Like I’m stupid and maybe even a little bit evil. Like after class, I might just go sell some drugs in the cafeteria.
When class ends, I grab my stuff and get out of there as fast as possible. But not before hearing some kid making “Ooh oooh” monkey noises as I run by. Fan-freaking-tastic. I’m going to be the monkey-atheist kid heading for hell at top speed.
I’m going to have to do something to reverse my rep here. If I were Seth, I’d just be a starter on the soccer team and make friends that way. There is no magic club. I could start one, but I doubt anyone else would join.
So on Friday I go to Frank’s office to sign up for one of the community service committees. I’ll have something to do after school and be seen as a good guy at the same time. I knock on the door and he invites me in.
“Hi, I’m Ben. I wanted to volunteer for one of the committees for the community service project.”
“Yeah, of course. Take a seat.”
I sit down and he takes out a few lists attached to a clipboard.
“You’re new here, right?”
“Yeah. Just moved here last week.”
“Welcome. I think I’ve heard about you.”
“Really? What have you heard?”
“How has everyone been treating you?” he asks, ignoring my question.
“Okay, I guess.”
“Good. Good.”
“Has anyone signed up for the pen pal one with people in the service?”
“A few,” he says. “Is that the one you want to join?’
“No. Just wanted to see if people were doing it.”
“Got family in the service?”
“My brother.”
“God bless him,” Frank says, smiling at me kind of creepily. I just nod awkwardly until he looks back at his papers and says, “What committee would you like to join?”
“I really liked the idea of doing a talent show for sick kids. Did that idea get chosen?”
“It did. Meetings start in two weeks. I’ll be posting the schedule next week. These things take a lot of planning. I’m glad you’re joining in.”
“We didn’t really have stuff like this at my last school.”
“No fundraisers?” he asks.
“Well, we had a few bake sales, but the money always went to the school. I like that these projects help other people.”
“That’s what we like here. Service is a big part of this school. Whether it’s worshipping the Lord or helping those in need, we’re there. You know,” he says, squinting at me intensely, “in case you were wondering, good deeds aren’t what make you glorious in God’s eyes. I mean, sure, He loves good deeds. But if it’s heaven you’re worried about, just accepting Him and worshipping Him is all He requires. Good deeds alone don’t get you into heaven.”
“Actually, I just really like volunteering. But thanks. That’s, uh, really interesting.”
“Well, if you have any questions about school or faith or anything at all, I’d like you to know that you can come talk to me.”
“Sure. Thanks. Well, I should get to my next class.”
“Thanks for stopping by.”
I close his door behind me and shake my head. They really like reminding people about hell around here. How could it not matter whether or not you’re a good person? What the hell does Jesus want from a kid anyway? If being nice doesn’t even win me any points in this Christian town, how am I going spend the next three years here?
After school, Tess and I pick up her little brothers from the elementary school and walk home together. Angela stays late and plays basketball, so it’s up to Tess to walk the boys home.
Every day, once we hit our street, I hang back while they walk to her house. Tess said, “It’s just easier if they don’t know how much we’re hanging out.”
Today her dad drives by as we’re walking, stops the car, and says, “Kids, get in.” Without hesitation, they do.
No, Hello, new kid. Welcome to the block. Not even a nod in my direction.
I walk the rest of the way home alone. About two minutes after I walk in the door my cell phone rings. It’s Tess.
“I’m sorry about my dad.”
“Yeah, well. It’s a good thing he didn’t hear me talk in science today. He might have run me down too.”
“I told him you’re going to church on Sunday.”
“Was he impressed?”
“It was a start . . .”
“What do you mean by a start?”
“I kind of had to tell him that I’m trying to save you. And that you’re into it.”
“Okay, sure. If that gets him off your back.”
“I wish it were that easy. He wants you to come to dinner on Sunday to prove your dedication.”
“Crap. Seriously?”
“I wouldn’t ask, but I won’t be allowed to hang out with you anymore if you don’t.”
“Okay. I guess I’ll be there.”
“One more thing . . .”
“What?”
“It would be helpful if you started reading the Bible.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“You don’t have to read much. Just enough to show that you want to learn.”
I hesitate.
“We can do it together. I’ll help you.”
“Deal.”
I hang up and immediately call Seth’s house. He’s going to laugh his ass off.
There’s no answer. Then I call Margaret. Neither is home. I try Seth’s cell. He picks up and I hear giggling in the background.
“Hey, dude,” I say.
“Hey, man. What’s up?”
“Nothing. Just calling to see how the first week went.”
I hear a girl’s voice in the background and then it sounds like the phone is being muffled under someone’s hand.
“Hello?” I say.
“Yeah, Ben. Actually I’ve got to go. Busy night.”
“Oh. Okay. Are you with Margaret?”
“Um, yeah. Look, I’ll give you a call tomorrow.”
I open my mouth to say, cool, later, but he already hung up. Uh, yeah. Missed you guys too. My week was strange and I have to lie to everyone in order to fit in. Thanks for asking.
Chapter 7
Jesus Was a Zombie
At 3 p.m. on Saturday, Tess comes over with her own Bible. Because we don’t actually have one. I asked my mom and the best she could come up with was some self-help book a
bout finding spirituality. Whatever that means.
My mom opens the door and invites Tess in. She asks Tess a few questions about herself. You know, the way annoying adults do sometimes. But Tess is like an adult expert. She’s funny. She compliments one of the pictures on the wall and they talk about it. I mean, I’m polite with adults. Tess almost is an adult. She says to my mom, “Oh, really? A woodcut? The lines are beautiful.” I don’t even know what a woodcut is and the thing hangs in my house.
I give my mom a look that says, enough, and she takes the hint.
“Well, I’ll leave you two alone. Let your dad know if you get hungry. He’ll throw together some snacks. I’ve got a few errands to run.”
As we walk upstairs, Tess asks, “Your dad cooks?”
“My dad is an awesome cook.”
“Wow. My dad can hardly make a sandwich.”
“He works from home, so it’s easier for him to do stuff like that. Plus, my mom hates cooking. She’d order take out every night if she was left in charge.”
“That’s what my dad does when my mom leaves to visit my grandma in Lone Tree,” says Tess.
I open the door to my room and Tess walks in ahead of me. She looks around, turning in a complete circle, and starts touching things on my shelves.
“What’s this?” she asks.
“A poster I got at this show in Boston. They had the world’s top magicians all together for one night. It was incredible.”
“Wow. Can you do any of the stuff they do?”
“The really easy stuff. But their easy tricks for the average person are really hard, so it’s still pretty good. My friend Margaret is better though.”
“That’s the girl you hung out with back home, right?”
“Yeah. She and I did magic together all the time.”
“Were you guys, like, an item?” Tess asks.
“No. Just friends.”
She sort of nods her head and then takes her shoes off and sits with her legs crossed on my bed.
I just sort of stand there. Do I sit next to her? Or on my desk chair? I mean, is it weird to sit next to a girl on a bed, even if it’s your bed, and she sat there first?
“I could do some magic for you, if you want,” I say, still standing.
“Um, Ben? How about you sit?”
She moves over and pats the bed next to her and then takes out her Bible.
This is the first time any girl other than Margaret has been in my room, let alone on my bed, and the first thing she does is take out a Bible. Fan-fricking-tastic.
I sit down a few inches away from her. She sighs and inches closer to me so that her knee is touching my leg. My heart is racing a bit and I’m not sure if she knows it. She doesn’t look nervous at all. I’m so nervous that I’m starting to sweat.
“So, what do you know about the Bible?” she asks.
“Um, just what I learned in Catholic school. How Jesus was born and how he died, and then came back to life like some do-gooder zombie and then died again.”
“Zombie?” she asks, shaking her head at me.
“A nice zombie.”
She laughs. “That is so incredibly disrespectful. And anyway, he can’t be a zombie because zombies stay dead. Jesus actually comes back to life. And he eats food. Not brains.”
“I like that you’re making an actual argument against Jesus being a zombie.”
“It’s kind of funny even if it’s totally offensive. Just please please please don’t say anything like that at dinner!”
“Okay. Well, what else? I know about Noah and how god killed people with a flood and with disease when he got kind of pissed off at humans.”
“Wow. You really latched on to the important stuff, huh?”
“Some of those stories would make for a good horror movie. I mean, they talk about the people on the ark who were saved. Everyone else drowned and died a horrible gasping death. That’s genocide. Shouldn’t he have sent himself to hell for a move like that?”
“Well, that’s the Old Testament. God was a little judgier in that one. What do you know about the New Testament? Do you know any of the Apostles? Or any of the Gospels?”
“Well, I only liked the bad-ass stories. The other stuff was kind of boring. I might have zoned out during those parts, if they taught them at all. It wasn’t a super- religious school, not compared to here.”
“Well, I’m going to give you a quick rundown of the highlights.”
For the next thirty minutes, Tess starts talking about the New Testament like a teacher would. Totally full of facts and thoughts of her own mixed with stuff her parents and the church taught her. I feel like I’m cramming for a final exam. I even jot down a few notes.
After a while I get kind of bored, but Tess is so into it, so I decide that right now I’ve got a great excuse just to look at her. I don’t think I was fair to her that first day we met. I mean, her hot sister was there so Tess probably doesn’t get noticed as much around her. She’s really pretty. She doesn’t wear makeup or tight clothes like other girls so it’s just not as obvious. She has hazel eyes, dark brown hair, and light freckled skin. And even though she wears baggy shirts, she still has boobs.
“Ben?”
“Huh?”
“I said, you’re going to need a favorite Apostle. I was thinking you could like Peter since he’s my dad’s favorite. That okay for you?”
“Is it like baseball? You need a favorite team?”
“It will give you stuff to talk about, if he grills you on the Bible. And he might.”
“It will be easy to remember anyway. That’s my brother’s name.”
“Where does your brother live?”
“He’s stationed in Iraq right now but he’ll be coming here in December.”
“That has to be hard for you.”
“I’m here. It’s easy for me. It’s hard on him. I don’t think his idea of being in the army turned out to be what he expected. He says there are two emotions in the desert. Bored and scared.”
“I think I’d rather be bored,” says Tess.
“Even when you’re bored, you’re still kind of scared, right? I mean, war is about waiting for bad stuff to happen, or knowing that it might happen.”
“Your brother must be really brave.”
“I don’t think he has much of a choice. He makes a lot of jokes about it though. He says that for a bunch of eighteen to twenty-five-year-olds holding guns and facing the possibility of death, there is a surprising amount of laughing that goes on.”
“People can’t deal with being scared all the time,” says Tess. “It would be too much. Making jokes must help keep their minds off the scary stuff.”
“I feel bad sometimes. You know, I’ll be doing magic or watching some stupid movie and I’ll forget, for even like an entire day that he’s over there. Then I feel like this bad person for living my life while he’s risking his.”
“It’s exactly what your brother is doing though. Occupying his mind with something else because it’s too hard to think of what could happen every second of every day. Don’t feel bad about it. You need it. Otherwise you’d just sit here and worry.” Tess kind of smiles sadly at me and puts her hand on mine and says, “Soldiers want everyone to live their lives. That’s why they’re there, right? He probably just wants you to be a kid. ”
We’re silent for a few seconds and Tess’s hand is so obviously on mine. I don’t think either of us knows what to do, so she lifts it off and I say, “Can you leave your Bible here so I can read up on this Peter guy?”
“Yes. That’s probably a good idea,” she says, rubbing her hands together.
“You’re my first friend that came with homework, you know that?”
“You’re the first friend I’ve lied to my parents for.”
“You win.”
“So why
don’t you show me some magic?”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’m interested.”
“Prepare to be amazed. Or, you know, mildly entertained.”
Chapter 8
Sunday is Church Day, Not Sleep until Noon Day
On Sunday morning, my mom wakes me up, sets down a respectable shirt and pants (because obviously I can’t be trusted to dress myself), and tells me to get in the shower. I need to be ready in half an hour when Kenny picks me up for church. I just finish eating some cereal when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Kenny and his mom.
“Hi, Ben. I’m so glad you’ll be coming with us today,” she says. “I was hoping I could just say a quick hello to your mom.”
“Sure, hang on.” I run to the bottom of the stairs and yell, “Mom!”
She comes downstairs, whispers “Don’t shout” as she passes by me and then puts on a big smile as she greets Kenny’s mom. Kenny motions for me to follow him out to the car.
I feel a little overdressed. Kenny is wearing jeans and a T-shirt while I’m in khakis and a dress shirt. We get into the car and he introduces me to his dad, a tall, fat, bald man wearing a bowtie. There’s some rock music playing, but the more I listen to the lyrics, the more I hear that even though it’s rock, it’s not the kind of rock I might listen to. It’s rock devoted to god. All the same, I say, “Cool music.”
“Thanks. This band is awesome. I’ll burn you a CD if you want,” he says.
His dad gives him a look.
“Actually, I can just lend you my copy.”
Kenny’s dad asks, “Have you ever been to a mega church before?”
“Just a Catholic church back home. It wasn’t called mega or anything.”
“So you’re Catholic?” he asks.
“Um, well, not really.”
“Perhaps you’ll find that Southern Baptist suits you better, although there will be many different denominations there today.”
Kenny’s mom gets back in the car and we hit the road.
After about twenty minutes, I ask, “So, how far is this place?”
“It’s in Colorado Springs, so about an hour away,” says his mom.