Dammit. Why did she have to go and complicate things? There was no way she could be in love with him. She was a famous Hollywood actress.
Not wanting to delve into his own feelings, he retrieved Ace’s reins, grabbed the mane and swung up on the animal’s back. He turned the horse toward the cabin as Cynthia walked out the door. Her red hair was wild, her eyes glistened and her mouth was swollen from his kisses.
She looked beautiful.
He guided Ace next to the porch and held out his hand. She didn’t question him, just took hold and let him lift her up behind him. He sucked in a groan when she scooted up against him, her legs tucked in close, her arms wrapped around his waist, her breasts pressed into his back. He sucked air into his lungs and quickly urged Ace toward home.
“Hang on,” he called to her, then he dug his heels into the horse and they took off. The faster he got away from Cyndi the better.
For both of them.
Cynthia had made a big mistake. She’d broken the rules. She’d gotten emotionally involved with Patrick and ruined everything. She opened her suitcase on the bed and began tossing clothes from the bureau inside. Then she went to the closet and began to pull things from the hangers. There wasn’t any reason to wait around until she was asked to leave. Besides, she had some pride. She didn’t stay where she wasn’t wanted, and Patrick Tanner didn’t want her here.
She zipped up the bag and glanced around the room one last time. There was nothing left except the NoWait bottle on the dresser. She threw it into the trash, then grabbed her bags and started downstairs. When she made it to the living room, she ran into Nora. So much for sneaking out the door.
“Cyndi.” Nora glanced down at the luggage. “I thought you weren’t leaving until Sunday.”
She had wanted to avoid this. “My plans have changed.”
The young woman looked sad. “I guess if it can’t be helped… But that doesn’t make it any easier to see you go. Are you sure you have to leave right now?”
“I think it’s best I stay in town.”
“What about Patrick?”
“I’ve already talked with your brother.” But she just recalled she hadn’t given him the money. “That reminds me. I need to pay him.” She reached into her purse for her check. “Here’s what I owe him for the riding lessons.”
Nora backed away. “Why don’t you put it in his office? I need to check on something in the kitchen.”
Cynthia shrugged. “Whatever is convenient.”
She went into Patrick’s office. Not surprisingly, the room was neat and orderly. A state-of-the-art computer sat on the large oak desk. She placed the check next to the keyboard, but couldn’t leave it without a note. She opened the drawer, found a piece of paper and a pen, then scribbled a thank you to Patrick for all he’d done for her. With her hand shaking, and tears threatening, she managed to keep it light and impersonal. She ended by adding her private number. But something told her he would never use it.
Cynthia placed the note under the check, then turned to leave. She gasped when she saw Patrick at the door.
“I was just leaving.” She pointed to the desk. “I left your money.”
His expression was cold as stone. “I told you I didn’t want it.”
“And I told you that I don’t go back on my word. It’s for your services.”
He stiffened at her insinuation. “What was between us wasn’t a service.” He went to the desk and tore up the check. “I don’t want your damn money.”
“And you don’t want me. What will make you happy, Patrick, if not my money and not me? What?”
Patrick fought to keep from reaching for her. When she’d said she loved him, he’d nearly exploded with happiness. He wanted to think it was possible. He wanted her so badly he couldn’t breathe, but he wasn’t foolish enough to believe in happy endings.
“Nothing. I’ve got everything I want.” He turned his back. He needed her to leave now.
No such luck. She came to him. “Do you, Patrick? Do any of us have what we need? I thought I did. I thought my career was all I wanted. When it started to fade, I panicked because it had been my entire life. Yes, I was desperate to get this part in Cheyenne, but only because I’d pushed everything else from my life. Then I came here.” Her voice lowered. “I met you.”
Patrick didn’t want to hear her soft, caressing voice. He didn’t need to hear about what he couldn’t have. He’d had a taste of Cynthia Reynolds, but she could never be his.
He swung around. “We would never work, Cyn. You and I had a great time, but you couldn’t be happy here. And I’m not cut out to do the Hollywood scene. I want a quiet life, to watch my grapes grow. To—” He couldn’t tell her the real reason.
“How do you know I wouldn’t love that life? I’ve been thinking about a career change. I don’t have to go to this audition.”
Her big brown eyes searched his for any encouragement. He couldn’t give it to her.
“Just ask me, Patrick. Ask me to stay.”
She was killing him. “Cyndi, I’m not the man you want to invest your hopes and dreams in. It’s best if you just forget me.”
“Why? Why can’t I love you, Patrick? You’re a good man.”
“I’m not. I’ll never be what you want.”
“How do you know what I want?”
His hands clenched. “Because, dammit! I’m not what any woman needs.”
“If you love someone—”
“Love has nothing to do with it.” He wasn’t getting through to her so he took her by the hand and pulled her into the dining room. He got the album from the drawer and opened to his parents’ picture.
“Because of this man, Mick Tanner,” he said. “Because he drank—a lot.”
“Your father was an alcoholic?”
He laughed. “That’s putting it mildly. He was a mean drunk. And when he turned mean, he liked to swing his fists—at his wife in particular. After he beat her, he came after his kids.” He glanced down at the photo. “Good old Mick had convinced everyone that he was the perfect family man, but it was all a lie.”
Cynthia didn’t know how to respond. She hurt for the family, for the children, for Patrick. “Why didn’t your mother get help?”
“Each time, he convinced her that it wouldn’t happen again. Then later on, when she stopped believing him, he swore he would kill us kids. There were times he probably would have, but I’d taken the girls and hidden them from him.”
“The line shack,” she breathed. All she could think about was three little girls huddled together, their big brother trying to protect them.
“He came after us once, but he was too drunk to do anything. When we came back home, our mom sported new bruises, a black eye and a swollen lip.
“When I grew older and bigger, I told him that I would kill him if he ever laid a hand on any of us. A friend in the sheriff’s department wanted to help, but couldn’t do anything unless our mother testified against her husband. She wouldn’t. My threats helped some, but the old man still lived in the house. That meant he was still a danger. I worked the ranch while he drank or slept it off.”
Cynthia knew that Patrick couldn’t have been much more than a teenager himself. “How did you go to school and do all the work?”
He shrugged. “I managed. Then one day I came home and found my mother had fallen down the basement steps. My old man was talking with the police, crying his eyes out about how he’d come in from the barn and found her there. He and I both knew it was a lie, but I couldn’t prove it. Lucky for him, he died a couple of years after.”
Cynthia watched the pent-up emotions move across Patrick’s face. She reached out to him. “Patrick, I’m so sorry.”
He pulled back. “I didn’t tell you this for sympathy. I told you so you’d know the truth and give up all hope about us. My father was abusive. I was an abused kid, and there’s a good chance I’ll turn out just like him.”
She was shocked. “There’s no way that—”
“There’s every way. I have a temper. A quick temper.”
“You could never hit me or any woman.”
“How can you be so sure? According to my mother, Mick Tanner wasn’t always abusive.” He shook his head. “No, I can’t take that chance. It’s best that we end this.”
“Patrick, I wish I could make you see yourself as everyone else does. Kind and loving. But obviously I can’t. You have to work this out for yourself.”
Cynthia went to him, seeing the pain in his eyes. She placed a soft kiss on his lips, knowing it would be their last. She wasn’t going to change his mind. And she loved him too much to make their parting any harder for him. Any hope they would have a future together was in Patrick’s hands.
“What you told me will never change how I feel about you. You’re the kindest man I’ve ever known. I just wish you’d let me help you with your fear. The way you helped me.”
Then she walked out, praying he would call to her. But only silence followed her to her car. She didn’t have to look around to see if she’d left something behind. She had.
Her heart.
The next morning Patrick watched Nora slam around the kitchen. She might think she was being subtle about her anger, but she wasn’t. She’d thought something had been going on between him and Cyndi, and she was disappointed that nothing had developed.
Patrick closed his eyes. Disappointed wasn’t the word he would use to describe how he was feeling. Miserable. Pitiful. Rotten. Those words were more accurate. As much as he wanted to think that Cyndi was just a fling, he knew better. How could he have let the situation get so out of control?
“How could you do that to Cyndi?” his sister finally asked.
“I didn’t do anything to her,” he lied.
She glared at him. “I’m not a kid anymore, Pat. I saw the sparks between the two of you. The way she looked when she left here, I doubt she was dumping you.”
“It was mutual. And for the best. Come on, Nora. She’s a Hollywood actress. I’m a rancher.”
“You’re a great guy. And look around, you’re not raising any more kid sisters. It’s time for you.”
“And I’ve raised my family. I don’t want another.” The lies came so easily. So did the pain. So many times he’d imagined a future with Cyndi, her carrying his child. His heart squeezed in his chest. She would be so beautiful pregnant. He swallowed back the dryness in his throat. God, he had to stop this.
“I think that’s exactly what you need. Your own family.”
“That’s never going to happen. So just forget it.”
Nora’s face crumpled. She looked like she was going to cry. “Sorry I even brought it up,” she said.
Patrick stood up. He couldn’t listen anymore. “Have you forgotten we have the kids coming out?” He checked his watch. “I’ve got work to do before they get here. I’ll be in the barn.” He walked across the kitchen, grabbed his hat and escaped out the door. He needed a distraction, anything to occupy his mind so he wouldn’t think about what he couldn’t have.
That afternoon, Patrick had just saddled the horses when the shelter bus pulled up. He usually looked forward to the kids’ arrival, but he wasn’t in the best mood today.
Cyndi had been gone only a few hours and he couldn’t concentrate on anything. Maybe it would help if he was distracted by the kids.
Nora came up beside him as the bus door opened and one of the counselors got off, then helped each child out. Today something was different. Every child had on new jeans along with their Tanner Ranch T-shirts. They had on cowboy boots, too, and hats.
He spotted Davy. The seven-year-old grinned and ran to him. “Patrick! I got to come to ride.”
“I can see that.” He gave the boy a high-five.
“And look. I got a cowboy hat and boots.” He stuck out his leg, displaying a shiny pair of black tooled Tony Lama boots. The hat was straw, but good quality.
“Hey, those are sharp,” Patrick said surprised. “Where did you get them?”
“We don’t know. Someone came to the shelter this morning with a lot of boxes. We got new jeans and shirts and underwear.” The boy’s eyes widened. “We got new toys, too, and five new computers that are so cool.”
“I guess Santa Claus came early,” Patrick said, having a pretty good idea who their secret Santa was. Cynthia Reynolds.
“And that’s not all. We got camping stuff, too, sleeping bags and tents. So now you can take us on that campout. I need to keep practicing riding to get really good.” He looked around. “I gotta tell Cyndi. Where is she?”
Patrick knew the news would break the boy’s heart. “She’s not here.”
Davy’s smile faded. “Why?”
Because he’d been a louse and driven her away. “She went back to California.”
The boy frowned. “But why?”
“Because that’s where her home is.”
“She can’t go. She said she loved the ranch. She wants to live here.”
Patrick looked at a counselor nearby, Betty Moore, to rescue him.
Betty walked up to them. “Davy, why don’t you go with Nora? It’s nearly time to ride.”
The child ignored the counselor and continued to glare at Patrick. “Were you mean to her? Did you make her go away?”
Patrick reached out to the youngster. “No, Cyndi had to go to work on a movie.”
“No! She promised she wouldn’t leave yet. It’s your fault.” He swung his fists at Patrick. Though the blows didn’t hurt, seeing the tears in Davy’s eyes wounded him.
Finally he got his arms around the child. “Stop it, Davy.” He tried to hold the boy, but he continued to fight him. That was when Betty stepped in.
“Davy, stop.” She grabbed his hands and managed to pull him away and calm him down. “I know you’re disappointed, but you can’t hit people. I’m sorry, but you’ve lost your privileges and can’t ride today. Please go back to the bus and stay with Rusty.”
The sulking boy took off toward the bus and disappeared inside. Patrick wanted to go after him, but he had the other kids to work with today. He walked to the barn, feeling like the biggest heel in the world. He’d broken Davy’s heart.
He went over to where the children were lined up, waiting for their turn to ride. Nora and Forest appeared with the first mounts. Patrick put on a smile, but he wasn’t in the mood to do this. Somehow, he had to make this up to Davy.
An hour later they’d just finished up with the last of the kids when Betty came running to him.
“Have you seen Davy?”
“No. Not since you sent him back to the bus. Why?”
“We can’t find him. Davy told Rusty he had to go to the bathroom. He never came back. We’ve searched everywhere, but no one’s seen him.” Betty looked frantic. “I’ve got to call the shelter.”
Patrick glanced at his sister. “Get Forest and Kevin to search the barn and outbuildings.”
Nora ran off and minutes later Kevin appeared. “We’ve already looked in every corner, even the loft.”
“Then we need to look further. I’ll saddle Ace.”
“I’ll go, too,” Kevin volunteered.
“So will I,” Forest said. “We can use our cell phones to keep each other informed.”
“What do you want me to do?” Nora asked.
“Take the other kids for cookies as usual. I’ll call you with any info.” He took off toward the barn.
Nora ran after him as he hurried off toward the tack room. “This isn’t your fault, Pat,” she told him, trying to keep up with his fast gait. “Davy has problems.”
Then why did Patrick feel responsible? “He wanted Cyndi. He thinks I sent her away. And he’s right.”
Nora shook her head. “He’s a little boy. And his life so far hasn’t been much.”
They could both relate to Davy, since they’d gone through a lot of the same things. “He hasn’t been as lucky as I was,” she told Patrick. “Janie, Karen and I had you to protect us, to love us. But n
ow that I think back, who was there for you? There was no one to make you feel safe.”
Patrick pushed aside her words. “I was older, already an adult. I had everything I needed. Davy doesn’t.”
Eleven
“So you’re giving up?” Kelly asked.
Cynthia knew coming to her sister’s had been a bad idea. Instead she should have gotten on a plane and flown back to L.A. Now she had to give Lawyer Kelly the details of her days with Patrick.
“I have no choice. Patrick doesn’t want me around.”
“What man knows what he wants? Maybe he needs to be convinced that you’re for real.”
Hadn’t she already blurted out that she loved him? “There’s only so much humiliation that I can take,” she said, trying to fight the tears. But she’d endure it again if she could make Patrick see what a good man he was. “He thinks that since his father was abusive he will be, too.”
Kelly handed her a glass of wine, then sat down across the table from her. “Growing up sometimes scars a person. Take me for example. I used to think that money would make me happy. We were so poor growing up, and Mom had been so dependent on men. I never wanted to feel helpless like her. You and I have done everything to avoid falling into that same trap. We’ve worked hard to be independent, maybe too much so.”
Kelly stared across at Cynthia. “We both had had chances with men. Gorgeous men. Rich men. But we both knew we needed more than just looks and money.
“From the first, you fell hard for Patrick and he fell just as hard for you. But you are intimidating, Cyndi. You’re an award-winning Hollywood actress, and wealthy to boot.”
Cynthia took a long sip of her wine. She didn’t care about any of that now. “I’d give it all up for Patrick. I think—no, I know—I could be happy here in Oregon.”
Kelly raised her hand. “Don’t be so hasty. Why should you have to give it all up for him? Shouldn’t he give something up for you, too?”
She couldn’t ask Patrick to live in L.A. She didn’t want to live there. “I’ve been seriously considering going back to school. After being at the shelter, I’ve been thinking that I want to work with those kids. Just dropping off some money isn’t enough.”
What a Man Needs Page 13