That wasn’t exactly how I’d intended on telling him, but here we are. It’s as good a way as any, I guess. My heart is hammering against my ribcage and I’m not sure if it’s because of the run or if it’s because of what I just told him. He’s staring at me, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, his mug of coffee dangerously close to spilling on the ground again. “It’s yours,â€� I add. He closes his mouth and then opens it again, looks at the ground and then back at me. “I…â€� he stops. “What?â€� “I don’t know,â€� I say with a shrug. “I just found out yesterday. “Are you…â€� he trails off and sits back down in his chair, dropping his forehead into his hand and setting the mug of coffee on his knee. I wring my hands together as I watch him. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it like that. Even through the shock he still looks good. He runs his fingers through his hair in that familiar motion of his and I wish I could walk up to him and tangle my own fingers into his hair. I wish he would lean his forehead against mine and tell me how much he cares about me. I wish I could press my lips against his and feel his hands on me, and then run my fingers over every muscle in his body. Everything inside me is screaming to walk over to him, to jump the shrub if I have to, but my feet stay rooted to the ground. He looks back at me and takes a deep breath. “Are you sure?â€� “About being pregnant? Or about it being yours?â€� “Both, I guess.â€� “Well I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but I did take six pregnancy tests,â€� I admit. “And you’re the only guy I’ve had sex with, so…â€� He nods and takes another breath. He shakes his head slowly. “You know, when I thought about you coming here, I thought about what I would say. I had this whole speech planned out where I would apologise for all the things I said and I’d tell you everything about my father’s company and the trial.â€� He thought about me? He wanted to talk to me? My heart grows in my chest and I take a step towards him until my thighs are brushing against the shrub. He glances back at me and shakes his head again. “I didn’t think we would be having this conversation. Not in a million years.â€� “Neither did I,â€� I admit. We stand there quietly for what seems like an eternity. I don’t know what to say. He has his head in his hand again and I don’t know what he’s thinking. Finally he lifts his head towards me. “What’s your plan? With the baby, I mean.â€� “What do you mean?â€� My eyes narrow as I watch him struggle to find the words. “Well, what were you thinking of doing?â€� “What are you asking me, Owen,â€� I say. His name sounds weird in my mouth. I used to love saying his name but now it tastes bitter. “Are you asking me if I’m keeping the baby?â€� We stare at each other in silence and the beating in my heart turns hollow as the anger and outrage start to build inside me. Before he has a chance to answer, I turn around and start running towards Gram’s house. It’s lucky that I’ve travelled this route about a million times, because my eyes are completely blurred by tears. My feet hit the pavement and send a jolt through my body with every step as I try to hold myself together. I don’t know what I expected, but I expected more than that. I can tell myself that I’m ok on my own, that I don’t want or need him, but I didn’t think it would hurt quite that much to see the panic in his eyes. I was prepared to do it on my own but now I realise that I was holding on to some stupid, naive fantasy that he’d wrap me in his arms and we’d walk into the sunset together. He doesn’t want me, and he doesn’t want the baby. I am on my own. I knew I was on my own before, but the reality of what that means is just starting to show itself to me. I’m on my own. I’m alone. I push the door open and rush upstairs, jumping in the shower as soon as I can get my clothes off. I shouldn’t have gone to him this morning. Now I have to spend all day at the Lex, pretending to be happy for my oldest friend as she marries the love of her life. I have to pretend to be happy for her, and I have to pretend that my heart hasn’t just been ripped out of my chest. Once again, I’m crying in the shower over a guy I barely know. Once again I have to pull myself together and watch yet another friend find happiness while all I’ve found is loneliness and heartbreak. I wallow in my self-pity until the hot water runs out and the shower turns ice-cold. I stand under the cold stream until my body stiffens. With a shake of the head, I reach down to turn it off. Pull yourself together. This isn’t me. I’m on my own, but I always have been. Nothing has changed. I still have this baby growing inside me, and I’m still going to love it with every fibre of my being. I’m going to go to this wedding, and I’m going to be happy for my friend. I’m going to celebrate two people being in love and I won’t think about myself. I straighten myself up and take a deep breath. I can do this. Chapter 44 – Owen
I can’t do this. I can’t spend all day in the same building as her, let alone the same room. I can’t plaster a smile on my face and pretend to be happy for Sam and Ronnie when I’ve just heard that I’m going to be a dad. I still can’t believe it. I sit on the edge of my bed and stare at the coffee stain on my jeans. I’m in a daze. Finally, I pull the bedside table drawer open. I find the old box of condoms and stare at it. Jess was the only person I used these with. “You had one job,� I say to the box. “One fucking job.� I shake my head and turn the box over. I frown as my eyes catch some stamped writing on the bottom corner. Best before: 01/2017 My heart starts thumping as I read the letters over and over. 2017?? These condoms have been expired for a year?? “Fuck, fuck, fuck!� I whisper as I flip the box over and back in my hands. “Fuck!� I knew I hadn’t slept with anyone in a long time, but I hadn’t realised how long. I toss the box across the floor and put my head in my hands. As soon as she told me it was pregnant I knew it was mine. I could tell by the way she looked at me, but if there was any doubt it’s gone now. I can’t believe I’ve been using condoms that have been expired over a year. I stand up and take a deep breath before putting my hands to my eyes and rubbing them. I sit back down and stand up again, and then turn around in a circle. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How do people react to this? I’m freaking out. There’s a knock on the door and I jump. Joe’s voice comes through the door. “Boss,� “Yeah!� I call out, trying my best to sound normal. “Wedding set up crew is here.� “Alright, I’ll be right down.� I think I hear him grunt through the door and his heavy footsteps shuffle down the hall. I go to the bathroom and splash some water on my face and then look at myself in the mirror. It looks like I’ve aged about ten years since yesterday. I pat my face dry and take a deep breath before heading downstairs. I can hear the voices from the landing upstairs, and with another deep inhalation I make my way down. “Owen!� Sam calls out. “This is Maggie. She’s going to be in charge of the set up.� “Hi Maggie,� I say, extending my hand. The older woman shakes it firmly and nods. “Right,� she says. “We need those tables set up in the main hall. And you,� she points at me. “Get those tablecloths. Where are the lights?� Within minutes, the whole ground floor of the hotel is a flurry of activity. Normally I’d find it difficult to have someone else order me around but right now I relish it. I do exactly as she says and I turn my brain off. My body goes into autopilot as I help haul tables, chairs, I tack up strings of lights, I arrange flowers and centrepieces. The morning flies by and pretty soon, the Lexington Hotel Bar is completely transformed. “Doesn’t even look like the same place,� I breathe as I look around the room. Sam’s brother Cory chuckles. “It’s amazing what some tablecloths and Christmas lights will do to a place, hey?�
� “Looks almost classy in here,â€� I laugh. “Almost,â€� he says. “What do you say we crack a couple cold ones?â€� “Not a minute too soon,â€� I say. “First one’s on the house.â€� I reach behind the bar and grab a few beers. As soon as the bitter liquid hits my tongue I feel my shoulders relax. For the first time since I saw Jess this morning, I start thinking that maybe I can do this. I can make it through the day if I just put one foot in front of the other and try not to think about the huge, looming reality that in a few short months I’m going to be a dad. Chapter 45 – Jess
My cheeks hurt from plastering this smile on my face all day. If there was ever a day in my life that I didn’t want a gaggle of people around me messing with my hair, my makeup, and a million cameras in my face, today would be that day. If I had my choice, I would be curled up in bed with the curtains drawn and the lights off and I wouldn’t get up for three days. If I had my choice I would eat nothing but ice cream and chocolate until my stomach hurt. If I had my choice I wouldn’t be pregnant. As soon as the thought crosses my mind I sit up straighter. It surprises me because it’s not true. As much as Owen’s reaction hurt me, as much as I’d rather be having a kid when I’m in a stable relationship, as much as I am terrified of what will happen, I want this baby. I want to be a mom. The first real smile I’ve had in two days floats onto my lips and a camera flashes. I blink a couple times and Sam laughs. “Come on, Jess. Church time. I’m getting myself my very own husband.â€� The second real smile of the day splits my lips and I wrap Sam in a hug. “Congratulations, Sam,â€� I say as we embrace. She squeezes me a bit tighter and then pushes me off. “You’re going to mess up this hair,â€� she says with a laugh, patting the sides of her head. “You look gorgeous,â€� I smile. “Let’s go.â€� The ceremony is beautiful. I dab at the corners of my eyes with a tissue and try to ignore the tightening in my chest. The way Sam and Ronnie look at each other is impossible to ignore. As soon as he hears the words, Ronnie dips Sam backwards and plants a kiss on her lips. Everyone in the church cheers and claps as the two of them laugh and turn to the congregation. Sam glances at me and I finally just let the tears flow free. My two oldest friends are married, and I can honestly say I couldn’t be happier for them. This morning, I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through the day but right now all that matters is the way their arms are locked around each other and the way Ronnie’s leaning down to whisper in her ear. Sam laughs and I can almost feel the love radiating off them. “Come on,â€� Sam calls out. “Let’s go to the Lex!â€� And with those seven words, the warmth in my heart turns to ice. The part of the day that I’ve been dreading is here, and I’m going to have to face Owen. I shuffle behind Sam and paint the fake smile on my face again. My grandmother finds me and hooks her arm into mine, squeezing my bicep in her hand. “What’s that sad look, Jessica? You haven’t been yourself since you got here.â€� “It’s nothing, Gram. Just tired.â€� “I know when you’re tired, honey, and this isn’t it.â€� The two of us walk slowly and she turns her head to look at me. “When I met your grandfather,â€� she starts all of a sudden, “I thought he was the most rude, arrogant man I’d ever met. I didn’t want anything to do with him.â€� “I thought it was love at first sight! That’s what you always said.â€� Gram chuckles and shakes her head. “He was walking around town like he owned the place and I wanted none of it. It wasn’t until I got to know him and I saw the type of man he was that I fell in love with him.â€� She pats my arm gently and goes quiet as we walk down Main Street towards the big hotel. “Sometimes you need to give people a second chance,â€� she says. I glance over at her but she keeps her eyes straight forward. My heart squeezes in my chest and I try to swallow but there’s a lump in my throat. “Gram,â€� I say. “I don’t know if it’s that simple.â€� “When you get to my age you’ll realise that sometimes it is that simple. You have to open up sometimes when you don’t want to. I love you, Jessica.â€� “I love you too, Gram.â€� There’s a hurricane of emotions inside me, but all I can do is walk slowly with my grandmother towards the father of my unborn child, and pretend like everything is ok. Gram pats my arm gently and we walk the rest of the way in silence. Chapter 46 – Owen
I hear the voices from the wedding guests as I’m hanging up the last set of lights around the bar. The first guests start to drift in and pretty soon the whole place is packed. I scan the room for her, but she isn’t here yet. What if she decided not to come? Maggie, the wedding planner, leans over to me and points to the PA system. “Is this ready?� I nod. She says nothing, but pulls out her phone and says a few words. The lights in the bar dim, and a spotlight appears towards the door. I glance up at the light and frown. I hadn’t even realise that had been installed today. I must be completely out of it. The light shines towards the door and the wedding party starts to come through. Two by two, the bridesmaids and groomsmen step through. My heart starts to thump as I see Jess come into view. She’s arm-in-arm with Sam’s brother Cory. She looks radiant. She’s wearing the same dress as the other bridesmaids but somehow it looks better on her. It’s dark blue and floor-length, cinched at the waist and flowing all around her. She looks like an angel. Jess scans the room and for a brief second our eyes meet. There’s ten thousand things in her eyes and in that instant, time stops. All that exists is Jess, and me. She looks at me and I feel the pain in her eyes, I see the loneliness and the fear and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I’ve been an idiot. She glances away and forces a smile onto her face. I keep looking at her, hoping she’ll glance my way, hoping she’ll give me even half a second of her attention, but she turns towards the door and claps as Sam and Ron make their entrance. Every single person is clapping and shouting, all eyes are on Sam and Ron. I’m sure they can hear us three towns over. I clap along with everyone, but my eyes stay glued on Jess. I can see her profile as she welcomes Sam and Ron into the Lex. She dips her head down and I stare at the curve of her neck, and the way her hair cascades down her back. She claps her hands and I watch at the way every move is graceful, the way she turns towards Sam as she walks by to the head table. Jess follows Sam and takes a seat to her right. I finally rip my eyes away from her and turn around, ducking into the office and closing the door. I let out all the air from my lungs and flop down onto my office chair. In front of me is there chair she sat in the first day we met. Right there is the glass that she drank from, and there’s the whiskey we shared. I haven’t touched it since she left. I rub my temples and take a deep breath. Maybe it’s time for me to drink something a bit stronger. The golden liquid shines in the glass when I hold it up before pouring it all down my throat. It burns as it goes down and I close my eyes and savour the sensation. At least it feels like something. All day I’ve been numb, and now I feel like a hand is gripping my heart and squeezing as hard as possible. The whiskey burns but at least it takes my mind off everything else for even just a second. Jess obviously doesn’t want to talk to me today. She turned away the minute our eyes met and has avoided my gaze since she got in. Why didn’t I go to her this morning? Why didn’t I hug her, or tell her I’d be there for our child? Why did I stay where I was like that? Of course she doesn’t want to talk to me, she thinks I want nothing to do with her or the kid! I pour some more alcohol into the glass when there’s a soft knock on the door. I sigh and put my glass down, putting the cap back on the green bottle of whiskey. “Come in,� I sigh. The door opens slowly and I almost fall backwards when I see her blue flowing dress step through the door. She closes it behind her and takes a deep breath as she looks me in the ey
e. “Jess,â€� I breathe. “Owen,â€� she replies. We’re quiet for a few seconds. Once again I wish I knew what to say. There are so many things flying through my mind and all I want to do is tell her that I care about her, that I care about the baby, that I’ll be there for her. Something in the way she’s looking at me stops me. There’s a hardness in her eyes. “We left on a bad note today,â€� she starts. “That was my fault. I shouldn’t have run away and I probably could have told you about the baby more… diplomatically.â€� “It wasn’t your fault,â€� I say, shaking my head. She holds up her hand and I stop talking. “I just want you to know that I am not expecting anything from you. I’m prepared to raise this baby by myself, but I just wanted to tell you that I’m keeping it. Nothing you can say or do will change my mind.â€� My heart starts thumping. I can’t help it – a smile starts to spread across my face. Jess frowns. “What?â€� “I just,â€� I start. “I’m just happy to hear that.â€� “Hear what? That you’re off the hook?â€� Her voice is hard and I shake my head, standing up and taking a step towards her. She bristles and takes a step back. I pause. “No,â€� I say gently. “I’m happy that you want to keep the baby… Our baby.â€� The last two words come out barely above a whisper. Her eyes narrow and she searches my face. She looks suspicious. “I thought you didn’t want me to have it,â€� she says slowly. “I was just in shock. Jess,â€� I say, holding out my hand. “This isn’t what I was expecting but it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.â€� Her shoulders relax down a fraction of an inch and she nods. “I should probably get back,â€� she says, nodding to the door. “Maybe we can talk about this later?â€� I dip my chin down. “Yeah. Of course.â€� She nods again and turns towards the door. Her hand slips onto the doorknob and she glances back at me. The first hint of a smile appears on her lips. “Thanks.â€� There’s a lump in my throat so all I can do is nod as tears start prickling the corners of my eyes. She slips out the door and I slump back into my chair, letting all the breath out of my lungs. I look at the glass of whiskey on my desk and take a tiny sip. Somehow it tastes sweeter than it did a few minutes ago. Chapter 47 – Jess
Knocked Up... Again!: A Secret Baby Second Chance Romance Page 13