And then she’d gone and fallen asleep on top of it, making the morning even more uncomfortable. Damn her pregnancy exhaustion. Give her a warm bed and a pillow and she was out like a light.
She rounded the corner, eager to make it around the front of the house and back to her car, but as soon as she did she found that she was not alone.
Standing in the front of the yard, gardening shears in her hand and a chubby toddler on her hip, was a tall, attractive woman with tired eyes.
She gazed at Tawny curiously at first, but then something seemed to click in her mind and she grinned, ramping her attractive straight up to lovely. "Oh, you must be Tawny!”
"I...yeah. I'm Tawny." She nodded, suddenly unsure of what to do with her hands. "I'm just..."
Escaping. As fast as I can.
"I hope you're not in a rush. I've been dying to meet you. Would you like to come in for some lemonade?" The woman's grey-brown hair swung back and forth in a long ponytail as she rocked the baby on her hip, her garden shears forgotten on the ground. "I was just getting some daisies for the kitchen. It makes cooking all day a little less cumbersome if you have something nice to look at, you know?” She smiled again and when Tawny didn't respond, she added, "But, of course, company would be even better."
It was a mistake to get any closer to this woman, to this family, than she already was. She had to have some sort of relationship with Luke, but this woman, who was clearly his mother? And who clearly had heard about her from Luke?
Bad idea.
Did the woman know about her pregnancy? How much had Luke told her? It would only cause more complications to accept her invitation.
She knew that.
Still, the woman seemed to have a power behind her warm, easy smile that Tawny couldn't resist, and even as her mind screamed excuses, she found herself saying, "I guess lemonade would be nice."
"Wonderful." She shifted the toddler on her hip as he grabbed for a hank of her hair, then nodded toward him.
"Would you mind taking Tyler for a minute while I collect the flowers? I'm afraid he's going to reach for the shears."
"Oh, um, yeah, sure." Tawny rushed toward her and took the child from her arms awkwardly. When he was finally settled on her hip, he looked at her with mingled curiosity and contempt.
"Hi," she said, and smiled at him, but he only wrinkled his nose in response. "I'm sorry, I don't know your name," Tawny said to the woman as she added another daisy to the bouquet in her hand.
"Barb," she offered, then straightened up and gestured toward the front door. "Come on, we can get to know each other inside."
Barb led the way and Tawny followed her through the narrow, toy-strewn living room into an old-fashioned-looking farmhouse kitchen. There were a few toys on the table, too, along with a stack of important-looking papers and plates that seemed to be left over from that morning's breakfast. When Barb's gaze fell on the plates, she sighed.
"Boys," she said, then grabbed the dishes and set the stack in the sink behind her. "You ask them to do one thing...but anyway." She shook her head, then, seeming to notice that Tawny was still holding a growingly impatient toddler on her hip, she said, "Oh, would you mind setting him in the playpen in the next room? I'll get us some lemonade."
Tawny did as she was told, but when she sat Tyler in his little prison full of toys, he kicked one of them then stuck his tongue out at Tawny.
"That's not nice," Tawny said, but, as if in response, he did it again. And then a third time for good measure.
"Okay," Barb called from the next room. "All set. Nice homemade lemonade."
Tawny moved back into the kitchen, sparing one last glance at an incensed-looking Tyler, before taking a seat at the kitchen table. Barb smiled at her warmly and for a moment she was reminded of the way her own mother had looked when she'd come home from school on the base.
It was nothing like this.
Strange, but the memory of her mother’s chilly demeanor and total lack of maternal instinct still made her insides churn.
She needed to stop that nonsense. She was a grown up, after all, and that had been years ago. Some people weren’t cut out to be parents and all she could do now is make sure she was nothing like them.
"Thank you so much," Tawny said and took a sip from the glass in front of her. It was two times as sweet as it should have been, but that only made Tawny like it that much more. "This is delicious."
"Thank you," Barb said. "That's kind of you to say. It was my mother's recipe. I'll have to give it to you, too."
Tawny frowned, sensing something unsaid in her meaning. "Um, that would be great."
"So tell me, what's your family like? Are you used to being around all these baby toys and things?" She gestured to the Technicolor contraption at the edge of the table, and, confused, Tawny shook her head.
"No, not at all. I'm an only child."
Barb nodded. "I was, too. And my husband. Lonely, I think."
"It was okay. You learn to entertain yourself which is good."
"Yeah, that's a good point. Still, when I look at Rex and Luke together...well, I'm glad they have someone who understands them, you know?"
Tawny took another sip of her drink, considering. "Yeah, that must be nice. I did always sort of wonder what it would be like to have a brother or a sister."
"Naturally," Barb said. "So, where are your parents now? Nearby?"
Tawny shook her head. Ever since she'd found out she was pregnant, she'd barely been able to bring herself to think of her mother and father. When she did, it was always directly on the heels of wondering what they'd say when she told them about her baby. What they'd do when they found out they were going to be grandparents. Somehow, she couldn't manage to picture anything other than her mother’s disapproving frown.
“No. My father is stationed in Hawaii right now, so they're both living on base there."
"Oh, wow. It must be difficult, being away from them like that."
Tawny frowned. Not really. “Sometimes, I guess.” She took another sip.
"They must be so excited, though. With the news."
"I..." Tawny started, but couldn't figure out exactly what to say.
"Luke told me not to bother you about it, but I have to know. Did your mother already pick out what she wants to be called? I'm, of course, willing to take a back seat to whatever you want, but I'd love to be called 'Granny’."
If Tawny had been taking a sip of her lemonade, she was sure she would have choked.
"You know? But--"
Barb's eyes widened in obvious alarm, then she said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought Luke would have told you that he told us. We don't tend to keep secrets in this family for long."
Tawny swallowed hard, then, if only for something to do, took another drink of her lemonade.
"I know things are crazy right now, but I have to tell you how excited I am," Barb charged forward. "I try not to pressure my kids into anything but, well, Luke was just born to be a dad.”
"Oh?" Tawny asked, faintly, suddenly feeling a little nauseous.
Barb gave her a vigorous nod. "He's a good man. Hard working. So protective of his brothers. I couldn't ask for a better son and I just know he'll be a great father. There's no doubt in my mind."
"I guess he does have a lot of experience taking care of kids."
Barb smiled. "More than he'd probably like, but at the end of the day? Well, you know. I'm sure you're going to be a great mother, too."
"I'm glad one of us is.” Tawny let out a little laugh, but then Barb reached out and covered Tawny's hand with her own.
"I don't know what it's like to be pregnant, but I do know what it's like to wonder about what kind of parent you'll be. Please, let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Anything at all."
All of the sudden, it felt like a softball was lodged in Tawny's throat, but she nodded just the same. For a few more minutes, they talked over Tawny's plans for finding a job and getting ready for the baby, and by the time she was
walking out the door, she could feel a piece of her heart warming toward Barb, but there was still something stuck in the back of her mind, begging for an answer.
Was she right about Luke? After all, she was his mother. She knew him better than anyone else in the world, and if she said he would be a good father...
Well, maybe it would be worth a shot to let him try. Wouldn't the smart thing be to let someone in? To allow him to help her and be there for the baby instead of running from him at every turn?
It would be hard, of course, to plan every little detail with another person, but did everything have to be so coordinated and planned out?
Couldn't she just let things unfold?
She started her car, then glanced up at the tiny window above the garage before turning her attention to the road and driving away.
She’d work on keeping an open mind. But for now? She needed to get a little distance between herself and all the Anderson’s.
They were already starting to feel a little too much like home, and no one knew better than she did how much it hurt to get attached to a home and lose it…
Chapter 15
Tawny took a deep breath, then leaned back in her chair and surveyed her list. She’d spent the whole of her morning bent over the sheet of paper, careful not to miss a single checkbox or talking point, but now that it was over and in front of her, she couldn’t deny what was staring her in the face.
Namely?
That the thing was almost fifteen pages long.
In fairness to herself, though, that was hardly her fault. With the baby coming in just a handful of months, there were still so many things to decide and consider and if Luke really wanted to be a part of things, she’d have to make sure they were on the same page. In this case, that happened to be literally.
Swallowing hard, she took one last look at the list and made sure there was nothing else she wanted to add—no last detail she’d forgotten. After five hours, she was pretty sure she hadn’t left anything to chance, but then again…
She flipped the last page over and sighed through her nose.
Enough stalling.
She knew what she had to do. She just had to put on her big girl pants and face it.
“Okay,” she whispered. “Okay.” She scrolled through her contacts, found the newest one, and dialed. Holding her breath, she waited for the dial tone, but the line clicked on before she’d even heard it ring.
“Tawny,” Luke said.
“H-how are you feeling?” she asked.
“Better, thanks to you. Thanks for taking care of me.” She could hear the smile in his voice and a weighty silence stretched between them for a long moment before she found the nerve to speak again.
“Look, um, I was thinking and maybe we should get together and talk everything over. You know, with the baby. I made a little list and it might be good to talk.”
“Absolutely. When were you thinking?”
“Um, are you free this afternoon? I thought I could make lunch and we could talk some things over?”
“You got it. Just send me your address and I’m on my way.”
The line clicked off and she texted him her address and then stared at her phone for a minute before realizing that he was already less than twenty minutes from ringing her doorbell.
Her studio was clean enough, but she fluffed the cushions on the used sofa and remade the bed just to be safe, careful to check and double-check for anything that might be embarrassing. As it was, though, there wasn’t too much to hide.
After moving over and over again, she’d never been much for bogging herself down with unnecessary possessions. She had one picture frame—the gift from Suzette of the two of them at graduation she kept on her bed stand, but other than that and the baby’s sonogram picture on the fridge? The place was a utilitarian haven. Nothing but form and function.
The doorbell rang even sooner than she’d been expecting, and she hadn’t even had the chance to peer inside her fridge and see what she had to offer him—other than the pounds of strawberries she’d been shoveling into her face—before she was rushing to answer his knock.
She swung the door open and ran her fingertips through her hair as he smiled down at her, his blue eyes piercing her in a way that she was quickly realizing was his signature look.
“Hey,” she said. “That was quick.”
"I was actually just around the corner when you called, picking up stuff at the hardware store."
"I was sure you'd still be in bed nursing that hangover."
He speared a hand through his hair and one dimple made a short appearance. "Yeah, I would have been if it wasn't for you."
Damn his blue eyes. They were staring at her again, studying her, and her heart was beating faster and louder,--in her chest, in her wrists, in her ears.
"Uh, why don't you come in? We can order a pizza. Good hangover food."
"Already ordered one. I didn't want you cooking for my sake."
"Oh, that was...that's really nice of you,” she said, once again taken aback at his thoughtfulness. He was really ruining the whole playboy image she’d had of him and she had to admit, she didn’t hate the thought that maybe the rumors had been exaggerated. Maybe his mom was right. Maybe he could be a great dad for their son.
"I hope I didn't ruin any plans you had,” he added.
She shook her head and stepped aside as he stepped into the tiny loft.
If he thought poorly of the place, he didn't let on. Instead, he glanced at the kitchenette and then the bed, covered in tapestries and colorful fabrics she'd gotten abroad, and offered her a little smile.
"Nice."
She motioned to the sofa and took a seat in the less comfortable armchair that, of late, was the only thing that could support her recently aching lower back.
Luke watched her ease onto the seat with some concern, but she waved him off.
"I'm fine, fine. Pregnancy stuff. It's very glamorous."
"I'll bet. You barely look pregnant yet, so it’s still hard to imagine.”
She nodded. “Yeah, it’s weird because I feel so different even though I don’t look that different yet. Anyway, I called because I made a little list."
“Hit me,” he said, his face open and interested.
"Well, if you’re still wanting to be a part of the baby’s life, we should talk about co-parenting. Preschools, religion, discipline, that kind of stuff."
Luke blinked. “Wow. That’s a lot of stuff.”
If he only knew.
She picked up the stack of papers from the coffee table between them, then nodded at an identical copy in front of him. "I printed two copies. For your reference."
"So this is...what? A board meeting?" He glanced at his packet, but didn't pick it up.
"Don't joke,” she pleaded, “I know it seems fussy but my brain feels so cluttered and confused, it felt better to get it all on paper.”
"I'm not joking at all. I just wish I'd known to bring a suit and tie, that's all." He flashed a grin, and she glanced down at the first item on the list, determined not to let the heat spreading over her face distract her from the pressing matters in front of them.
"So, first of all, we'll need to make a shopping list for the nursery."
"A shopping list? Don’t you think we should wait until after the baby shower?” His dark brows knit together.
"Well, I don’t really plan to…it’s not important." She didn't want to explain all that to him. Her only real friend here was Suzette, and one friend did not a party make. As for family, her mother would never, not in a million years, fly from Hawaii to Louisiana to throw a baby shower for her daughter's illegitimate child. And if she did? The baby would probably get MREs instead of formula. She just wasn’t maternal and never had been. Tawny was pretty sure nothing had changed in the past few years on that front. She only had to look at her recent birthday card that was signed “Warm regards” to confirm that.
"Maybe let's start smaller. A name." Luke shrugged. "I
don't even see that on the list."
“Flip to page six, section fourteen B.,” she rattled off and Luke's eyebrows shot up a little higher.
"I guess I should have studied harder," he said. "But regardless, the baby needs a name. Let's talk about it. I'm not interested in Luke Junior, so I was wondering if you had a family member that was important to you that you might want to name him after? Maybe your father?"
She fought the urge to cringe. This was so not going to plan. In her effort to dot some i’s and cross some t’s she had instead inadvertently opened a can of family worms she’d wanted desperately to keep closed.
"Let's put names aside for now and focus on the more practical things. For example, Alhouette has a good school district, but are you interested in a private school instead? I don't know if you're religious, but if you want him to go someplace else, we'll need to factor it into the budget."
"The budget?"
She nodded. "It's the last four pages in your packet. I looked up the cost of diapers, doctor visits, and things like that. We can split the cost according to whatever custody agreement we determine on page three."
Luke shook his head, his mouth half ajar.
"What?" She blinked.
"Well, you sure thought of everything."
"Thank you."
"You didn't let me finish," Luke cut in. "You thought of everything the baby needs, but, no offense…it doesn’t seem like you’re thinking of yourself or the baby himself."
"What--?"
"How much stress did you put yourself under while you were writing this list of yours and trying to plan the kid’s first eighteen years? It can't have been good for you. You're looking at this like a project, not like your life."
She folded her arms over her chest and replied carefully, “I don't understand what you mean."
"I mean a baby isn't something you check off a box." He thumped the list, then set it down on the table. "We have five more months, Tawny. We don't need to make all these plans right this second. We just need to really come to grips with the fact that we are going to have a son and that a thousand things we can’t plan for are going to happen. I mean, have you stopped to think about what it's going to feel like when you hold him for the first time? Or what he's going to smell like?"
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