I thought back to two years ago, before Mom had gotten pregnant, to when I used to wake up every morning for school and Dad would be the first one out of my parents’ bedroom. Now I saw that was all false pretenses, and that my parents’ marriage had been rocky even before the twins came into the picture.
Jamie didn’t make me smile anymore. Nothing was the same between us. With Jamie, all I felt was tension, but with John I felt something different. I felt young and beautiful again. I felt wanted. I remember having butterflies in my stomach, warmth in my cheeks, and that flustered tongue-tied feeling I had gotten whenever he stopped at my desk and gave me that heart-stopping smile of his. Even now I think he knew what he was doing to me. He had to. Men aren’t oblivious to their good looks, and charm. At least, I don’t think most men are.
I paused for a second to add a comment of my own. “This John guy sure sounds like a tool.”
Ella nodded her head vigorously. “He does. I can’t believe Mom would fall for his bullshit. Isn’t she the one who told us that all men only want one thing?”
“Hell yeah, and that one thing isn’t love.” I rolled my eyes. Of course some men want love, but it didn’t seem like it in this case. John was probably just trying to test his skills at getting a married woman.
“Trust me, I know,” Ella groaned, rolling her eyes as well. “Keep reading.”
I furrowed my eyebrows at her response, but chose to leave it alone. I probably didn’t want to know what she was referring to anyway.
John must have known what he was doing to me. He took notice of the wedding ring on my finger, but it didn’t stop him from tagging along with me for lunch on multiple occasions, and asking me to dinner. He even went so far as to leave flowers with little notes in them on my desk in the mornings. The notes were short and sweet, and always made me smile so hard that it was a struggle to keep my mouth shut. The notes always said simple stuff, like, “Thinking of you,” and, “Give me a chance to make you happy.” I don’t know how he knew I wasn’t happy. Maybe because I smiled a lot less than I used to. That didn’t necessarily mean that I wasn’t happy. For all he knew I could have just been stressed out. Maybe he knew I wasn’t happy in my marriage, because if I were I wouldn’t have given him as much attention as I did. Either way, he was right. I wasn’t happy then, and I’m not happy now. I know it, Jamie knows it, my therapist knows it, and even John knew it at one point. How pathetic is that?
I went to flip the page to go on to the next entry, but Ella stopped me. “Want me to read a little?” She held her hand out to get the book.
I glanced from her hand to the journal. “To be honest, not really.”
Ella groaned. “Come on, let me read some.”
I huffed out a sigh. I might as well let her read some since it was her idea to read the journal anyway. I just liked being the first to get the information, and I was always the type to prefer reading something for myself than listening to others. “Okay,” I said, sighing dramatically.
Ella smiled happily at getting her way, and opened the journal to the page I was on.
If there is one thing that stood out about John the most, other than his looks, was his persistence.
Ella paused and held a finger up to her tongue. “Gag me,” she commented. “No way this John home-wrecker, marriage-ruiner is more attractive than Dad. He didn’t look like it from that picture.” Then, with another eye roll, she continued to read.
Every day he began to ask me out to dinner, and each time I felt more inclined to say yes. It had been so long since I’d been taken out on a proper date. I found myself craving the attention that only a lover can give you.
Ella stopped again, scrunching her nose. “The thought of Mom with a ‘lover’ makes me want to vomit. That’s probably why she had so many thongs. What if John became her lover?” Her upper lip curled in disgust.
Sighing, I said, “Please refrain yourself from stopping to add commentary. We don’t know when Mom will be back so this has to start moving faster.”
Groaning, Ella said, “You’re right, you’re right.” She leaned closer, pressing her cold arm against mine. “Let’s just skim each entry and stop if we see anything we can use.”
“Deal.”
With the journal in Ella’s hands, I skimmed to the end of the entry and then waited until she flipped the page. There was nothing else interesting on the page. Mom just went on about her need to be loved and cared about. It wasn’t until a few pages later that more about John came up. She had been talking on other pages about her work life, and even mentioned Ella and me at times. A few entries later when John was mentioned again, it was because Mom was recounting when she had finally accepted his date offer, and where he had taken her. The next entry told how she felt bad for lying to Dad about where she was going, but she really enjoyed going out with John, and wouldn’t hesitate to go again.
The next entry came a few days later, and Mom was recounting the week after she had first accepted John’s date. Apparently she had gone out with John again. He made her dinner at his house and one thing led to another. She went on to describe the sex, but Ella and I were too grossed out and went to the next entry. Mom-sex was the last thing I wanted in my mind.
The next entry was about how she had avoided John at work afterwards, and how she felt bad for cheating on our dad. She was no longer in love with him, but she still loved and cared about him and she knew he deserved better. Her only reason for choosing Dad over John was because of us. She didn’t want us to go through a divorce, and she didn’t want us to have to split our time between them like we’re doing now. The next few entries were all written in a dejected tone. Throughout each of them she tied every event to her emotions then and now. Mom explained how she had ended things with John, and chosen her family. There was an entire paragraph on how she felt like she should be forced to wear a scarlet A after what she did. The guilt of her actions was too much to bear. Not long after that entry was one where she explained how she had come clean to Dad about the affair. It took them a while, but they had managed to put it in the past and move on.
It was weird, because other than Mom’s depression, I didn’t ever notice anything wrong between my parents. I just assumed that anything they argued about was because of the babies, but truly they had begun arguing before the twins even existed and I had just been oblivious to it.
Finally, everything was revealed when my mom found out she was pregnant. The twins weren’t my father’s children since they hadn’t been sexually active. Rather, they were John’s children from the affair. Dad didn’t want the constant reminder of Mom’s betrayal, and Mom doesn’t support abortion, so they came up with the “adoption story” where the twins actually just became the sole custody of their biological father. It was all coming together like the pieces of a puzzle. That’s why Mom was so depressed when she let the babies go, and another reason why Dad didn’t want to keep them. In actuality though, Mom wasn’t only separating herself from the twins, but also from John. As we read on, it became apparent that she didn’t want to be away from either the twins or John, but she thought it was best to try and work things out with our father for our sake, and to let John move on and start a family without her. She thought it would be better for the twins to grow up without her, than to let Ella and I know she had betrayed us and Dad by having an affair and ruining our family.
I didn’t know what to think about the situation. I felt bad for Dad for what Mom did to him, but I also felt bad for Mom too. It had to be hard to be stuck in a loveless marriage, and even harder to give away your parental rights to your children. I hated thinking it, but it was as if she had chosen Ella and me over the twins.
After reading Mom’s journal, and going through all of her more personal thoughts, and finding out the truth about everything, I felt really bad. So instead of continuing to read any further I pulled the journal from Ella’s hands and stood up quickly. “We should put it back before Mom gets home. We found out enough for now.”
“We can look up the employee records at her old job or something.” I didn’t care what we did, as long as we put the book back before Mom walked through the front door. I felt like I needed a hot shower to rid myself of that gross feeling that comes with snooping through someone else’s belongings, especially with the secrets I had just learned.
Ella huffed, but continued to follow me as we made our way to our mom’s room. The door, which we had shut behind us after we had gotten the journal, was now wide open, and sitting on the bed, taking off her flip-flops, was my mom. She looked up as we stopped in the doorway, and gave us a curious look, before her eyes fell to the journal in my hands. I hurriedly tried to cover it by sticking it under my shirt, but I didn’t react fast enough. I watched in horror as my mom’s face transformed from one of simplistic curiosity to shock, and then confusion again, and then ended on anger.
She stood quickly and came to the door, lifting my shirt lightly to grab her book that I had oh-so-smoothly hidden from her view.
“What are you girls doing with this?” she questioned, holding the book up at eye level, as if to be sure that we knew exactly what object of hers she was referencing.
I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I didn’t know what to say, or even where to begin. For some reason saying, “Oh we were just looking into your past to find out about the twins that you gave up for adoption,” didn’t seem to roll off the tongue as smoothly as I’d like. I couldn’t even force myself to say it if I tried, considering how I now knew that the adoption story was a sham.
Apparently it did for Ella though. “We wanted to know more about the twins. Lena found a picture of you and the babies in the delivery room, and we wanted to find out more about them.”
My mom stood in front of us, frozen like a statue with the journal raised, her eyes in slits. After an extremely awkward moment of silence, where Ella and I shared worried looks, and my mom continued to play solo freeze tag, she finally spoke.
“It’s disrespectful to go through other’s things. I must not have done my motherly duties properly if you two didn’t already know that at your ages.” Her expression slowly changed from angry to distraught. I saw the tears forming in her eyes just before she started to tremble slightly. “You know everything, don’t you?” Her words were shaky, and were said as a statement rather than as a question. We didn’t even have to answer before she shook her head and started to push her door shut. “I can’t even bear to look at you two right now. I am so disappointed.” With that, she shut the door fully.
Ella and I shared a sad look, and I felt awful for snooping. We stood at the door for a moment, and it wasn’t long before the sounds of sobbing reached us on the other side.
Chapter 12
The wet sand molded around my feet as I walked along the water on the beach, deep in thought about what had happened earlier. I came to the beach to escape the house, and to have some alone time to get lost in my thoughts. I felt terrible about invading my mom’s privacy, but even more horrible was the fact that I didn’t regret my actions. If I could go back in time and change what Ella and I had done, I wouldn’t. I really wanted to meet and get to know my little siblings, and the information that we had gotten was a leap forward in our search.
We had made our mom feel so betrayed that she was put to tears. Having her past dug up, and her innermost thoughts read by her children had to feel terrible. She didn’t know exactly what it was that we had read, but she probably had an inkling. I just hoped that she didn’t think we hated her for the new information that we had. Of course I felt bad for Dad, but who was I to pick a side? She may be my mother, but she was also a human and humans make mistakes. I couldn’t hold that against her, especially with the way I had found out and since my dad seemed to have moved on from it.
I sighed and glanced out over the ocean. The waves were calm, and the sun was starting to set, making the sky a beautiful mix of pink and blue. The clouds were so fluffy that they looked like tufts of cotton candy. This was another thing I had missed—walking the beach while the sun was moments from setting.
Thankfully the beach wasn’t crowded like I remembered. There were only a few people littered amongst the sand and bobbing in the water. Some were surfing and boogie boarding, while others were throwing Frisbees around, or walking like I was. I stopped for a moment to write my name in the sand. Leaving the beach marked with my signature was a favorite pastime of mine. I always wrote something before I left. Sometimes I put a quote down, or drew a picture, others I just wrote my name. Today I simply wrote:
Lena is here; California.
When I stood back up to full height, someone behind me called out my name. It was said with a higher pitch at the end, sounding more like a question than anything else.
“Lena?”
There it was again. I squinted and turned around to see a guy running toward me, and away from the group of people who had been playing Frisbee. It didn’t take me long to realize who he was: Carter. He was a lot taller since the last time we’d been face to face, and even more muscular. He had always been very athletic, so I wasn’t surprised by his exceptional physique.
When he finally came to a stop in front of me, he smiled brightly, flashing his straight, white teeth. His dark hair was dripping with sweat, and his naturally tan skin was glistening with a fine sheen of it as well.
“Lena? Is that really you?” he questioned, peering at me with his hazel eyes. His voice came out breathless, either from running to catch up to me, or from playing Frisbee; maybe both.
I forced a smile despite the awkward way I felt. I hadn’t expected to see him here, or anywhere else for that matter. I was planning on avoiding all of the places I knew he hung out at for the duration of this trip. I couldn’t face him, but now I was being forced to. Was this a cruel joke or something? “Yeah, it’s me,” I said, waving my arms out at my sides and doing a little spin in an attempt to lighten the mood.
He shook his head, causing little droplets to flick from his hair. “Why couldn’t you have gotten ugly since you left?”
I raised an eyebrow and let out a light laugh. “Yeah, I could say the same thing about you. Still have girls falling at your feet?” I shifted my eyes over his shoulder to the group of friends he had been playing Frisbee with. All of the girls were bikini-clad Barbie dolls.
In response to my question he actually blushed. His cheeks tinted red, and he laughed. “I wouldn’t say falling at my feet. Shane is the one they’re all interested in.”
Shane Quinn, notorious ladies’ man, was Carter’s best friend. He was a funny guy, and he was good looking, but I had never been into the type of guy who’s been with every girl at least once.
“Somehow, I doubt that.”
Carter tilted his head down for a moment. When he finally looked up at me again, all smiles were gone from his face. He was completely serious as he stared into my eyes and said, “Yeah, well, there’s only one girl I’m interested in.”
Shit, was he referring to me? Maybe he’s talking about a new girlfriend. I bit my lip, thinking of something to say that would remove the awkward tension that had just settled around us from the conversation. “Oh, well I hope that works out for you.” I mentally slapped myself for that. Seriously, what the hell did that mean?
He smiled again. “Yeah, I hope so too. So are you back for good, or just visiting your grandparents?”
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “Visiting my grandparents and my mom.”
A perplexed expression settled onto his handsome face. “Your mom?”
“Yeah,” I answered with an added nod. “My parents are going through a divorce. She moved back a few months ago.”
His eyes searched my face momentarily. Then, he placed a hand on my shoulder and said, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It
’s fine. It’s actually better this way, you know?” And he did know. His parents had gone through a horrible divorce when he was younger. He barely saw his father afterwards, but he’d always said that his life was probably better without him.
Carter nodded in response.
We stood there like that for a few minutes, just staring into each other’s eyes in silence. I wanted to apologize for breaking up with him the way that I had, but I didn’t know how to begin. His hand remained on my shoulder. It was comforting. I hadn’t had a guy touch me since I left, and even then he was the last one to do so. We had a history. We had been friends for years even before we started dating, and it felt weird to stand here now having so many things left unsaid, and not knowing where to start. I never thought there would come a time when I didn’t have something to say to him.
Finally he dropped his arm and broke the silence by asking me how “Gabby” was.
I smiled at hearing Ella’s old nickname. “Actually, she’s great, except she goes by Ella now.”
“Ella?”
“Yup.”
He shook his head. “She’s more of a Gabby to me. She never stopped talking,” he recalled with a laugh.
I rolled my eyes and slapped his chest. It was a lot harder than I remembered. “That’s because she had a crush on you.”
Carter widened his eyes in shock. “Really? That’s so weird. I never knew. I’m kind of oblivious to most things.”
“Oh, I know. I had to actually tell you I liked you before you finally asked me out.”
His mouth curved upwards in a toothy grin. “We were friends! I thought you were just being friendly!”
Scarlet Awakening (Sweet Secrets #2) Page 7