“I found Jackson’s cellphone,” she told me while avoiding eye contact. There wasn’t a lot left to the imagination last night. They walked in on Jackson and me after a bout of sweaty, delicious sex on their three-thousand-dollar sofa, and we were on our way toward another bout if they hadn’t walked in. I don’t care how old you are, that is damaging on so many levels.
“I have to drop off his phone and explain.” I stomp toward the kitchen.
“Nina. Hang on. Let’s talk about this—this is a good thing. Meredith and Dick are going to love it. And Jax helped us out. Except there at the end when he got weird.”
“Meredith and Dick need to run away together,” I blurt out, angry at our agents, and, well, everyone at the moment. Except Jax and his purported weirdness. Jax and his “I love you” before he pulled out of the driveway. What was that about? Did he think he was helping?
“I’m going to the premiere of Millie’s film Waterlilies on Friday. You’re going to be my date. I called Meredith when I landed, and she called Michael Keith. He’s making you a dress for the event. Pack your things now and we’ll be back in L.A. with enough time for you to be fitted and lighten your hair.” He squints his eyes. “Those roots have to go if you’re going to be hailed as a princess again. And your skin is dull. A three-day cleanse is in order. I know a great dietitian who specializes…”
His voice fades out as my mind tracks back to everything that happened in the driveway. Specifically, Jackson’s shock and disgust at seeing me with Xavier.
I can’t blame him. He didn’t get the full picture. He wasn’t here when I answered the door to find Xavier and a camera guy at the threshold. Jax didn’t know that I had to make a decision on the spot about what I wanted the world to see. I couldn’t afford to fly off the handle at Xavier even if he deserved it.
Thank God Jax picked up the slack when I signaled him. I watched him snap from confused to indignant, playing to my act so perfectly part of me applauded. He understood me—understands me—better than anyone. Better than Xavier ever has.
“Is there a gym nearby? I need to go for a run before I climb on a plane.” Xavier pulls his hand over his flat stomach.
“Do you think he meant it?” I ask him as well as myself.
“Do I think who meant what?” Xavier’s face scrunches in confusion.
“Jax.” I feel my stomach flop as I consider the heady possibility. “Do you think he meant it when he said he loved me?”
“No.” Xavier snorts.
I ignore him and close my eyes, remembering that exact moment. When Jackson’s arm rested on the open window of his truck and he looked into my soul. He looked past Nina, past my pretend indignation and saw me—the real me.
I love you, Mini.
“You’re wrong,” I tell Xavier, my grin unstoppable. “He loves me and he admitted it in front of the world. And he doesn’t know I love him back.”
Because I didn’t tell him. Last night when we were making love and I was crying and he was pegging me with those honest sapphire-blue eyes, I didn’t tell him. And he didn’t tell me, either.
The many mistakes in our past have made us both gun-shy.
“So?”
“So!” A buoyant laugh fills me with certainty. I bounce over to Xavier, wind my fists in his shirt and shake him a little. “I love him, Xavier. I’m in love with Jackson Burke and I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to pretend to like you for the public. I don’t want to continue making excuses about why I won’t sleep with you.”
“Sleep with me?” Xavier crows, his voice cracking. “Nina…” He shakes his head, and something in the way he’s watching me, his face morphed into a mask of fear, tips me off. “I never…I don’t…Um…”
I back away and look at him—really look at him. It’s like seeing him for the first time. The perfectly coiffed hair. The careful way he holds himself. “Oh my God.”
“What…? Nina. Wait.”
I think of all the times we’ve been out at a premiere or event and he’s commented on my dress or shoes. That time he bought me the perfect handbag and complimented me on my jewelry. The way he eyed the famous male actors at Millie’s party with appreciation but never once looked at a passing female.
“Nina.” He shakes his head like he doesn’t want me to come to the conclusion I just came to.
“You’re gay, aren’t you?”
He opens his mouth to speak but no sound comes out. It’s obvious now that I think about it. How he never initiated sex or kissing or closeness when we were alone. How brazen he was about PDA whenever we were out and about, and how it always felt scripted—preplanned. How his entire identity hinges on the fact that he’s one of Hollywood’s hottest leading men.
“You don’t have to say anything.” Compassion floods my chest. All this time I’ve been pretending to be someone else, so has he. “You could’ve told me.”
He licks his lips, jerking his gaze over my head to see if we’re being overheard. We’re not. My parents are outside, giving us the privacy I asked for.
“No one knows,” he tells me, his tone desperate.
“I’d love to stay and help plan your coming-out party, but I have to go.” I pat his chest. I have sympathy for the fact that he felt he had to hide who he is from everyone he knows, but I also need to protect myself. Xavier hasn’t been much of a friend. He should’ve had my back. “I have to tell Jax I love him.”
“Then what?” Xavier asks, proving my point that he’s not been concerned for me at all. “Think about the repercussions. What about the premiere? Your career? My next film?”
“I made a mistake.” I back away from him—exactly what I should’ve done when I answered the front door and found him and a camera guy standing there. “I should’ve told you this morning that I wasn’t faking anything else with you. But I didn’t. I screwed up, faked it, and worse—I asked Jackson to fake it for my sake.”
“He was pretty good,” Xavier amends with a crooked smile.
“Not so good that he would’ve lied about an I love you.”
I turn and dash into the kitchen, snatching my parents’ car keys and Jackson’s phone off the counter along with my purse. Out on the patio, I bend to kiss my dad’s cheek and wave to my mom.
“I have to go see Jackson. Can you take care of the Academy Award winner in your living room for me?” I leave them both gaping in my wake and then I run through the side yard and loop around to the garage. In my parents’ car, I back down the driveway as the camera guy jerks the camera onto his shoulder and turns it on.
“Where are you going, Nina?” he calls out.
“To tell Jackson Burke that I love him!” I shout, excited and focused on what I want. Finally. I know what I really want.
A life, a future with Jackson.
Chapter 26
After driving to Jackson’s house, I sat in the car for a while and tried to figure out the passcode on his phone. After three tries I worried I might lock both of us out forever, so I didn’t try again. As tempting as it was to answer the incoming calls, I didn’t. I shut the phone off altogether, knowing that Jax wasn’t going to call it himself. And he was the only one who mattered right now. I left and then drove to Vent, the café where we had coffee and met with Barrett and Catarina.
Now I’m enjoying my mocha and ignoring my own phone for a while. I imagine the footage from my parents’ front yard is currently making the rounds, and frankly I’m too exhausted to think about it. Then again…
I cue up the video in record time after doing a quick search for “Nina Lockhart and Jax” on Google. Playing it back, I watch my own face for signs of tells and Jax’s for signs he’s not acting. The “I love you” he said before he left doesn’t seem faked. But his reaction to my telling him I used to love him doesn’t seem faked, either. His face falls in staunch acceptance. I think it’s accepta
nce.
If I’d had any guts at all, I’d have broken character and told Jax that I loved him, too, but I’d assumed he was pretending like I’d asked him to. I thought for sure he was egging on Xavier and giving the public a good show.
I’m so stupid.
Jax doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. He cares about me—about what people think about me. He cast himself to the wolves on my parents’ lawn, and I let him do it without reciprocating.
I stand to leave when a young guy with a coffee cup in hand stops me. “Hey, can I get an autograph for my girlfriend?”
“Sure,” I say with a polite smile. Always serving the public. That’s me. I scribble my name on the cup. I decide to go to Jax’s house one more time and see if he’s there. If he’s not, then…then I don’t know what. Maybe I’ll leave a note this time. I’ll sign it I love you. From Allie.
On the walk to the car I crane my neck, eyes landing on a tall building. I have a better idea than a love note on his porch.
A much better idea…
* * *
—
Tommy and I put in a full day at the Caldwell house redoing the shelving in their large, open living room. They asked for my expertise in remodeling their playroom as well. Tempting as it was to agree to do it right away and lose myself in more work, I promised to call them about it later. I leave the residence, Tommy hot on my heels.
I’m not the only person who’s working instead of dealing with his feelings.
“What’s up with you today?” he asks as we stroll to my truck.
“Nothing. You want a beer?”
“Yeah. If you’re buying.”
“I’m buying.” We walk into Corner Store about fifteen minutes later and pick a table. Beers in hand, we lift them to drink when Tommy tries again.
“What’s up with you, Jackson? We’re friends, right? You can tell me. Is it Nina?”
“She has my cellphone,” I say, mentally adding and my heart. “I don’t miss it, though. I like being unreachable. I used to worry about there being an emergency, but you know what? Fuck it.”
I offer a calm Zen master blink and chug more beer.
“Dude. What happened? Seriously.”
“You and Lydia ever make up?” I ask, ignoring his line of questioning in favor of one of my own.
“We’re talking.”
Talking.
I grunt my disbelief. “Don’t say anything that might prompt an unsavory response.”
“Un…what…? Jax.”
“I told her I loved her,” I blurt out.
“Lydia?”
“Allie, you jackass. Nina,” I quickly correct, since Tommy knows Allie better for her celebrity persona. “I told her I loved her and she chose her Oscar-winning boyfriend over me. I think. It went down in kind of a confusing way. And it was recorded. The video’s probably wallpapering TMZ right about now.”
I hate that I know what TMZ is and that if I pull up my history in my cellphone’s browser, it’d be one of the last sites I visited.
Tommy starts pecking into his smartphone.
“Whatever you find, don’t breathe a word of it to me or you’re fired.”
He continues pecking and scrolling, tapping and scanning. I take my beer with me to the jukebox and feed a few bills into the slot. Bypassing any and every love song, I play some loud, thrashy heavy metal before retaking my seat. Tommy’s watching me, lips pressed together.
“Did you want to watch it?” he asks.
“I was there. I don’t need to watch it.” I remember what happened. Vividly.
“I think she thought you were playing along, man.”
“I was there, Tommy.” I drain my beer and point to his half-full glass. “Finish that up so I can go home.”
“What if she’s trying to get ahold of you?”
“She’s not.”
“What if she is?”
I sigh. “Then I should probably go home so she can find me.”
“Yeah, good point.” He guzzles the contents of his glass and we stand and walk out of there. I wonder as I drive him home if she did stop by the house to deliver my phone. What if I missed her? What if…?
I cut off my thoughts at the ankles.
I need a day when I’m not plagued by thoughts of Allie.
Maybe a few days.
After dropping off Tommy, I drive home, my head full of her despite my attempts to block her out. When I turn onto my street, I notice a woman sitting on my porch steps. Only she’s not the one I half expected to be there even though I was trying not to expect anyone at all.
“Jules,” I greet as I climb from the truck.
“I’m going to kill her. And you! Why haven’t you answered your phone?”
“Good to see you, too.” I select my house key from the ring. Jules intercepts me, grabs the keys, and blocks my way, an angry expression on her face.
As she studies me, her brows separate, the anger evaporating with her next breath. Then she crushes me into a hug, her arms strangling my neck. I embrace my twin sister, sighing in defeat as I hug her back.
“I’m okay, Jules. You can stand down.”
She hangs on tight for another moment and then releases me, hands on my shoulders so she can watch me carefully.
“I saw the video and I thought for sure Allie roped you into some weird role-play. But you did it, didn’t you? You broke up with her and then you tried a Hail Mary to win her back and she chose Xavier over you.”
“I didn’t break up with her. She just said that because…I’m not sure why. I was trying to help her out. The declaration wasn’t a Hail Mary, it was the truth. She has a career to look after. I can’t help her out in that arena. Xavier can.”
“If she chose him or her career over you, she’s a—”
“Don’t say it.” I’m literally weary from dealing with this shit. My life used to be simple. Work all day, work some at night on paperwork, go to my family’s house on Sundays. With Allie it’s complicated in that my time is split, but so is my heart. I want to chase her and hold her forever while simultaneously keeping myself out of reach so I don’t have to fucking feel like this ever again.
“Allie’s a shooting star, Jules. No one gets a shooting star for keeps.” I nudge my sister aside and unlock the front door.
“Do you have any wine?”
“No. But there’s beer in there.”
“I’ll grab us both one.” She bumps me out of the way and walks inside to help herself. I hear a honk and look over my shoulder at a car pulling into my driveway.
Allie.
Every part of me freezes into a solid block of oh, fuck.
“She came,” I murmur as she climbs from the car and runs to meet me. Even after considering she might, it didn’t occur to me that she really would. She’s standing on the lawn looking up at me, my cellphone in her hand.
“Jax.”
“Allie.”
She doesn’t climb the porch’s stairs and launch into my arms. She doesn’t say more. She simply offers my cellphone and I accept it, noticing she doesn’t touch me when she does.
“I’m sorry about the video.” She peers up at me, wary. “I didn’t mean for you to walk in on that. I was going to tell you after.”
“After what?” Is she sorrier that I interrupted or that I showed up at all?
“After the stunt Xavier pulled. I didn’t know he was going to film me, but the second I saw the cameraman I knew what I had to do.”
I say nothing as I power on my phone.
“I tried to guess the passcode but couldn’t,” she says, then continues. “Jax, I fucked up.”
At her bald pronouncement I look down at her standing on my lawn, her shorts short and her T-shirt tight and her tennis shoes buried in my overgrown grass because I haven’t
had a chance to mow. Lately, what time hasn’t been taken up by work has been taken up by her.
“I shouldn’t have asked you to bail me out. I should’ve walked outside and told Xavier it was over and that we were over from the moment he stole Millie’s Oscar.”
I nod, knowing what she’s saying but at the same time not sure why she’s saying it.
“But I told Catarina Everhart.”
My phone vibrates in my hand and text messages and missed calls light the screen. One name in particular catches my attention, and I tap the bubble with Barrett Fox’s name on it.
“ ‘My girl saved your girl’s ass,’ ” I read aloud. “That’s from Barrett. What’d you tell Catarina Everhart exactly?”
“She said the article was going up as a special report tonight. She was writing it when I left. There was smoke coming off the keyboard she was typing so fast.”
Her eyes snap over my shoulder and she smiles tentatively. “Hi, Julieann.”
Jules hands me a beer and palms my shoulder, promising she’s nearby if I need her. Then she walks into the house without a word to Allie.
“Jules is concerned,” I explain. “Can I grab you a beer?”
Allie shakes her head.
I crack the can and take a long swallow, but it doesn’t taste good. I set it on the railing. “Thanks for bringing my phone,” I say, sliding it into my pocket. “I hope Catarina helped you out.”
“I don’t know if she did or not. My agent is going to freak. Xavier is going to freak. I have no idea if the scandal will sweep me away with it or not.” She takes a tentative step closer to me. “And I don’t care.”
My heart is thudding loud enough that I can hear the blood rushing past my eardrums.
“I love you, too, Jax.”
The world stops. I shake my head, confused and possibly imagining things. Which was how I felt this morning when I pulled into Allie’s parents’ driveway and saw her in Xavier’s arms.
“I love you more than Hollywood,” Imaginary Allie says now. “More than myself. More than I used to and that was a lot. A whole lot.”
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