by SJD Peterson
Jason and I took a cab to my apartment. The elevator was still out, so we had to climb the nine flights of stairs. I remembered that night a week ago when I had climbed these same stairs with Hugh. We’d been breathless by the time we’d reached my apartment.
And now here I was with another man, reaching my doorway, breathless again. Once again I unbolted the locks. And once again a man took me in his arms. I allowed him to hold me, pressed my cheek against Jason’s shoulder. This time my breathing quieted down, became steady and even. Not like the other night….
“Thank you for taking me to the theater and walking me to my door. I had a really nice time.”
“Uh-oh. when a man tells you that he had a nice time, you know you blew it.”
I couldn’t help smiling. “I’m afraid you have a streak of melodrama in you. What on earth is wrong with having a nice time?”
“It’s like saying you had vanilla pudding for dessert instead of cherries jubilee. It’s like saying you took a nap instead of going skydiving. It’s like saying—”
“Okay, I get the message. But I did have a nice time. A great time, even. Does that satisfy you?”
His arms tightened around me. “I’m not feeling exactly satisfied right now, Ben. You see… I think I’m falling for you.”
This, at last, made me draw back. I studied Jason in dismay. “Don’t say that. You’re always falling for someone too quickly. With George and Dennis and—”
“This feels different,” Jason said somberly.
“Please don’t say that,” I implored. “I enjoy spending time with you. You make me laugh, and Lord knows I need laughter in my life right now. I just… I don’t know if I can return those feelings to anyone right now.”
“Except him.” Jason stated the words flatly, and Hugh almost seemed to materialize between us.
I held Jason’s gaze and tried to be as honest as I could. “I don’t know what I’m feeling, and until I sort things out, it wouldn’t be fair to anyone, including myself, to enter into another relationship.” I shook my head. “I can’t, not right now.”
“I can respect that, but you can’t blame a guy for trying.”
“Nope, but I hope you’ll keep making me laugh. It’s a nice way to balance out the stress.”
“I’d like nothing better. Well….” I pointed a warning finger. Jason shrugged, a playful smile on his handsome face. He then pressed a gentle kiss to my cheek. “Good night, Ben.”
“Good night, see you tomorrow.” I went into my apartment, locked the door, and once again heard a man’s footsteps retreating down the hall.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
MEL SEEMED oddly keyed up. She sat across from me in the employee lounge, creasing a paper napkin over and over in her hands. Her expression, normally so calm, was one of suppressed excitement. Instead of her usual ponytail, she wore her hair loose, allowing it to fall past her shoulders. She’d curled it. It was totally out of character for Mel. She never bothered to style her hair. She’d once told me that she’d rather get in an extra thirty minutes of studying than fuss with a blow-dryer and curlers. Obviously, something had changed her mind.
“Cute hairdo,” I complimented.
Mel flipped a curl over her shoulder. “I was running late.”
“Wow, you mean it takes longer to curl it than it does to put it up in a pony? I wouldn’t have known.”
“Shut up.” Mel threw her napkin at me. “That problem I told you about before, well, it’s not really such a problem after all. I got an A on my psych exam.”
“And Toby?”
Mel nodded. “Toby and I… things have advanced a little.”
“Ooh, you’re banging?”
“Would you like to hear about it? I can totally give you a play-by-play,” Mel offered, waggling her brows.
I held up my hands as if to ward off an evil being. “No! No! No! Anything that has to do with the va-jay-jay is an off-limits topic whenever I’m around,”
“Fine, then I won’t tell you it’s”—she held her hands about ten inches apart—“this big.”
“Good Lord, no wonder it was lust at first sight.” I threw the napkin back at her, but she dodged just in time and it went flying past her.
Mel winked, then took her hairnet from her pocket and grimaced at it. “If I don’t wear this, the boss will have a fit. But do you think it will flatten me down too much?”
I stared at her. With her hair falling in those soft curls past her shoulders, she suddenly looked vulnerable. Wow, maybe it was more than just lust. This Toby must be quite the guy if he could pry Mel away from her studies even for a moment. And to have her worried about her hair? Yeah, she had it bad for him.
“I have no idea, but I’m sure you’ll be cute curly or flat.”
“Great, now I’m going to have to get a new stylist. I wasn’t going for cute.” Mel stuck her tongue out at me, then hurried back to work.
I remained seated a moment longer. I was a bit envious of Mel. I remembered what first love felt like. You think about them all the time, your belly flutters every time you see them, and when they touch you… damn!
Kind of how you feel about Hugh. Yeah, well, hopefully this Toby guy felt the same about Mel. And hopefully he told her how he felt, because if he didn’t… yeah, Mel was screwed.
Well, at least I could provide understanding and a shoulder to cry on if he turned out to be like Hugh. While misery loves company, I wouldn’t wish that on her. Not even for the chance to have a comrade in understanding. I really hoped, for Mel’s sake, Toby was more like Jason when it came to sharing his feelings.
On the plus side, ever since taking me to the theater, Jason had been less persistent in his pursuit of me. He’d apparently taken to heart my need for a stress-free friendship and hadn’t once stepped over the line. He didn’t try to hold my hand or kiss me again. Every now and then, I’d catch a glimpse of desire in his eyes, or perhaps it was longing, but he never acted on it. I was truly having a great time hanging out with Jason. He’d lived in Manhattan most of his life, but as he showed me his favorite sights around the city, he acted as if he was seeing everything for the first time. So he’d enticed me to take the Staten Island Ferry, spend hours in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, spend more hours exploring Little Italy and Chinatown and Central Park. But no matter what we were doing, Jason always made me feel as if it was fun and special because he was with me. Jason behaved as if he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
I knew Jason wanted more than friendship from me, but as much as I enjoyed being with him, I kept him at arm’s length. I wasn’t even sure why anymore. Jason was attractive, considerate, passionate, and interested in me. A man who talked about everything, his emotions, his life, my emotions, my life. How Jason enjoyed talking! I finally had a chance to have the type of relationship I needed. Jason was a great guy and I liked him. So, what was stopping me from taking the next step?
It couldn’t be Hugh. I wouldn’t let it be Hugh, a man who would scarcely admit to having emotions, let alone talk about them. I hadn’t heard a word from him since he’d taken me to dinner and then expected me to go to bed with him. Hugh hadn’t gotten what he’d wanted, so, naturally, he’d disappeared from my life.
Damn you, Hugh!
JOYCE COMPLAINED the entire time, constantly interrupting my performance. I knew Joyce was right about one thing: my portrayal of Edgar hadn’t been at all convincing. What was wrong with me? Edgar was an intense man who attempted to manipulate Pete’s and Lori’s emotions out of loneliness, while still harboring a genuine need to seek their forgiveness and receive love. But whenever I spoke my lines, I couldn’t seem to bring those complex qualities to life. My lunch as Edgar had done nothing to help me get a firm grasp on his true nature.
Predictably, this got Joyce going. She and Jason began arguing, which of course set Lindsey off, and it all went downhill from there. Hours of fighting. In total Lindsey fashion, she stomped off the stage. Joyce followed suit, leaving me and Jason
alone onstage.
“What a complete waste of time.” I wiped the perspiration from my forehead. “I don’t know how we’re ever going to pull this play off. We’re only three actors and one director, but the politics involved are incredible.”
“It’s a good sign that things are going so badly.”
I wasn’t really in the mood to joke about it. “Let me guess,” I said sourly. “Theater superstition has it that crummy rehearsals make for a glorious opening night?”
“No. But the way I look at it, things can’t get much worse than this. And if things can’t get worse, they have to get better.”
I smiled. Jason had a habit of doing that—making me smile at his reasoning. Jason came around behind me and proceeded to massage my tense shoulders. Along with all his other positive qualities, Jason knew how to give an excellent shoulder massage.
“Where shall we eat tonight?” Jason asked.
“I don’t know if I’m all that hungry.” What I needed was a stiff drink and some downtime after the tension of the afternoon.
Jason turned me around. “Then let’s go to my place. We can kick back, relax, and if you get hungry, I’ll fix you something to eat.”
“You cook too?” I asked in surprise.
“No, I said I’ll fix you something, not cook it. I’ve got cold cuts for sandwiches or leftover pizza you can nuke.”
“Figures,” I chuckled. “But I don’t know if it’s such a good idea.” I’d never been to Jason’s apartment, and for some reason, it felt like I’d be crossing a line if I went.
“Ben, what are you afraid of?”
“I don’t know.”
He drew me close, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but Jason didn’t act on that desire. Strangely enough, I was mildly disappointed when he pulled away and said, “C’mon, Ben, it’ll be fun. We’ll kick back, watch some TV, and just veg.”
I was becoming quite the basket case, no longer sure what I wanted. Hugh was always skirting the edges of my thoughts. I couldn’t seem to get rid of him. Maybe I hadn’t truly tried to. I’d given my heart to a man who couldn’t do the same for me. It was time I took it back. Hugh didn’t deserve it. Maybe Jason did. Jason was certainly offering me his on a silver platter. Maybe it was time to move on.
I hesitated another long moment and then nodded slowly. “Yeah, I’ll go home with you.”
I SAT stiffly on the couch in Jason’s apartment, feeling uncomfortable and ill at ease. I’d tried to convince myself it was time to move on, yet I’d brought Hugh along with me. Jason’s place was nothing like Hugh’s. Where Hugh’s main homes were showy in an old-world style, Jason’s was eclectic. The furniture was modern, made of chrome and glass, with pops of bright blues and yellows. Yet, there were wooden shelves filled with books, photos, random knickknacks that had no theme, no rhyme or reason, but the pieces fit together. The place was much like Jason’s personality, fun and modern with an appreciation for the past.
“Nice place,” I said at last, trying to sound nonchalant.
Jason brought two bottles of beer from the kitchen and handed me one before taking a seat on the coffee table. “Thanks. It’s nothing fancy, but I like it.”
“I’m not into fancy, so we’re good.”
“So it’s not my decorating skills that has you tense. Must be me.”
“No, it’s not you. Rehearsal was horrible, and I can’t help but think my first big shot at acting is never going to become reality.” It wasn’t a complete lie. I was worried about the play. Jason didn’t need to know about what else was weighing heavily upon me. Jason rose to his feet, then took the seat next to me. He bumped his shoulder against me. “I promise the show will go on and you’ll be fabulous.”
“Well, at least one of us is confident.”
“That’s all it takes sometimes.” Jason grabbed the remote from the side table and clicked on the TV. “What are you in the mood for? Sports, documentary, movie?”
“I’m not really into sports, but I wouldn’t say no to a good comedy.”
Jason sat back and ran his palm over his jaw. “A good comedy, huh?” He flicked through the channels, but after a moment he shrugged. “Sorry, all I can find is action/adventure, chick flicks, or horror.”
I took a big pull from my beer, then yawned. “Actually, I’m pretty tired, and I’m thinking I need a hot bath and a pillow.”
“But you just got here. I can order some pizza and a comedy.”
“I don’t know….”
“C’mon, Ben. You wanted me to back off and I did. I just really enjoy spending time with you.”
“I know and I like hanging out with you, honestly I do.”
“Then you’ll stay?”
I yawned again, suddenly weary mentally and physically. I needed time to get my head on straight and figure out why I had told Jason to back off, then felt disappointed when he didn’t kiss me. I really wasn’t in any shape to be around anyone. I set my beer on the coffee table and went to my feet. “Can I get a rain check?”
Jason’s face fell, his expressive face showing his disappointment. I almost sat back down, but I knew I couldn’t. Jason got to his feet. “I’ll walk you out.”
“That’s okay.” I gave Jason a small hug, patting his back before stepping back and smiling. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I’m going to hold you to that rain check.”
I stopped at the door, hand on the knob, and looked back at him. “I hope you do.” And I meant it. Jason was really trying, and I appreciated it. Maybe Jason and I could become great friends, and if more happened between us… well, I wasn’t sure what to think about that. I headed home, feeling even more confused. I truly worried for my sanity.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I HATED the fact that I was quite possibly stringing Jason along, yet there was part of me that hoped once I got Hugh out of my head and reclaimed my heart, I’d feel the spark between Jason and me. Or maybe I was just a selfish son of a bitch. Either way, I’d suggested Jason have dinner at my place. Of course, I then was instantly guilty because he offered to cook. Still, I didn’t say no. Yup, I’m totally a selfish son of a bitch.
I set the table, then went in to check on Jason’s progress. The kitchen wasn’t big enough for two to move around without bumping into each other, so I moved up behind him. I went on tiptoes and peeked over his shoulder. “That doesn’t look or smell like spaghetti sauce from a jar.”
Jason looked back at me with a sly grin. “Yeah, well, wait till you try it before getting too excited.”
He dipped the wooden spoon into the sauce, blew on it, then brought it to my lips. I opened my mouth and was hit with an amazing flavor of tomatoes, oregano, and basil. “Damn, that is really good.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“No, I’d tell you if it tasted like shit, trust me.”
“There really is something to that beginner’s luck thing, huh?” Jason asked.
I popped him on the arm playfully, then stepped back. “You’re so full of it.”
Jason just laughed.
I worked my way past him, grabbed the bottle of white wine I had chilling in the fridge, then headed back to the dining area, or the area we’d set up to eat. It was a card table and folding chairs, but it worked.
The sound of someone knocking on my door stopped me midstep. I wasn’t expecting anyone. I glanced at Jason, then back toward the door. The knocking came again. I set the bottle of wine on the table. Curious, I walked to it, my hand on the lock. I didn’t live in the best of neighborhoods. Then I chastised myself—like a robber would knock first. “Who is it?”
“Special delivery.”
I glanced at Jason once again. What was he up to? I wouldn’t put it past him to send me flowers or a singing telegram or something just as silly. I unbolted the locks and opened the door and got the shock of my life.
“Hugh! What in the hell?”
Hugh pushed past me with…. What the hell? He had a bicycle. I gawked at him, no
t too pleased to see him.
“Hugh, what are you doing here? What’s this all about?” I eyed the bike suspiciously.
“We’re going for a bike ride. Central Park,” Hugh announced. He propped the bicycle up by its kickstand. “I have one just like it downstairs.”
“Hugh….” I gritted my teeth. “Dammit, you can’t just come charging in like this and expect me to….” I shook my head. “You just can’t.”
“Benny, I’m just asking you to come with me. A bike ride, nothing more. We’ll spend the afternoon together. What do you say?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” Hugh moved closer to me, which wasn’t very easy considering how much space the bike was taking up.
I stiffened, watching Hugh’s response to the rustling sound from the kitchen. I knew the exact moment when Hugh spotted Jason. The muscles in Hugh’s jaw twitched, and his eyes narrowed.
Great, just fucking great!
A flush moved up from Hugh’s neck to his cheeks. His eyes went a little wild, and for a second, I feared Hugh was about to start a fight. The tension in the room grew painfully thick until I was practically choking on it.
I glanced back and forth between the two men, ready to step between them if the pissing contest started. It was Jason who made the first move. He walked over to my side without ever taking his gaze from Hugh. The expression on Jason’s face could only be described as combative. Hugh glared back and I swear he puffed up a little to make himself appear more intimidating. Well, I don’t know if Jason was, but I certainly was worried. Both of them were a lot bigger than I was. How in the hell would I pull them apart? If they started to go at it, I’d have no choice but to sit back and let them go.
Something changed in Hugh. Regret? Disappointment? I wasn’t sure, but relief washed over me when Hugh blew out a heavy breath and said, “You’re right, Ben. I can’t just come charging in like this. I made a mistake.”