by V. Murphy
We got into his dark sedan that didn’t display wealth, but didn’t scream minimum wage either. He opened the passenger side door for me and watched me as I scooted into the seat. When he got in the driver side he looked at me and said, “buckle up.” It was a simple gesture, something that you don’t hear every day except from a parent or the older generation, but it was kind. It was as if he cared for my safety. After the night I had, he proved he cared about me. It was a comfort I was not used to.
A comfort I couldn’t get used to I reminded myself. I needed to stop myself before I got ahead. I couldn’t get close to this guy. He was just the object of my lustful desires and now someone who was giving me a ride home after helping me out. He was a friend at most, but nothing more. He couldn’t ever become more.
While we were driving I managed to stop crying, but my eyes remained puffy and red while my cheeks were tainted with the remnants of my mascara. We drove silently into the darkness. I hadn’t told him my address and he didn’t ask. Honestly, I wasn’t sure where we were headed and I didn’t really care, I just wanted to go to sleep.
“What did you do to that guy? Are the cops going to come?” I managed to squeak out, breaking the solitude of the quiet ride.
He laughed and I turned over to look at him. His lips were parted and his delicate yet strong hands were gripping the wheel. I couldn’t stop thinking about how desperately I wanted my lips on his, his hands on my body. I wanted to explore his body and rip off his long-sleeved shirt to revel in his deep muscles that will protect me and hold me through the night.
STOP.
This is ridiculous. This desperation for a man right after what had just happened tonight seems…cheap. It doesn’t seem right. I tried so hard to put this guy out of my mind and out of my thoughts yet here he was. Who was he anyways for just coming in and showing up? Why did he even care right now? I was getting pissed.
“No, he's not getting arrested Harper. He may even try to force himself on some other girl; however, he certainly will never be coming around you again--do you understand?” His voice lowered, becoming dark and husky. He was very serious in what he had said. He was almost demanding that I was to understand him. His voice was strict and required a response, but I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to tell him. Of course I understood that I wasn’t going back to Gatsby’s for a while, but why was he getting so involved?
I grunted in frustration instead of responding to him. I was frustrated by this whole situation. It was so utterly confusing and spontaneous. I hadn’t planned for any of this happening tonight and now I don’t even know where I am going!
“Can you please just tell me where the fuck I am going? I want to go home and hop into my own bed without you. Thank you for the ride and all, but I really need to be alone tonight.”
“Harper, that is the last thing you need right now. I am not taking you home, you’re spending the night at my place.”
“What the actual fuck? I have no idea who you are. After the night I just had you expect me to just come back to your place…a perfect stranger…”
“Then I am coming over to your place. In fact, that probably would be better. Then I wouldn’t have to explain….” He trailed off not finishing his thought. “Where do you live?”
“1522 South Genesee Drive and you are NOT coming into my place. You are going back to your place and I am going up to mine. We are going to shake hands and just assume life is grand.”
“Oh a feisty one now aren’t you? You happen to be wrong though. I saw you with a man forcing himself on top of you. I am walking you upstairs.”
I don’t get why he wouldn’t just back down. I don’t get it. I also don’t get why he was going to take me to his place and then all of a sudden changed his mind. If tonight had not been more of a mind-fuck then I would have questioned his intentions, but right now as we pulled up into the visitor parking spot at my apartment complex, I really didn’t care. I just wanted to get to bed.
I got out of the car without waiting for him to follow behind me. I picked up the pace and walked so fast that I almost tripped when my heels dug into a hole in the cement.
I fell forwards slightly feeling the cement tug beneath me, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to hold myself up when I felt two strong arms grab me by the arms.
“If you keep falling, I’ll have to keep picking you up Harper.”
“Can you please just leave me alone?” I barked at him with annoyance dressed in my tone. Why wouldn’t he just leave me alone? I was so pent up about everything happening that I felt like I was just going to explode.
“I cannot. I am sorry, I am coming upstairs with you.”
“No! Ohmigod, how many times do I have to tell you? You are a perfect stranger. I have no idea who you are other than the fact you gave me a coffee and a croissant. So please, do yourself a favor and leave me the fuck alone. GO. HOME.” I emphasized the last part while staring him straight into the gorgeous pools of blue that were his eyes.
He crooked his smile upwards and said, in something a little above a whisper, “It was actually an apple Danish.”
Ugh. My knees buckled under me at the utter adorableness that he remembered exactly who I was. It was a push and pull. I knew I owed him for helping me out at the club, but I didn’t want to give in to him. I couldn’t.
I gave up arguing, mainly because my eyes felt heavy and darkness was creeping up on me. After we turned the corner and walked up the stairs, Ryder quickened his pace behind me as I grabbed my keys.
As I put the keys into the door I spun around, “One last time…you really don’t have to come inside. Honestly, it would make me feel better if you just went home. I mean, you could give me your number and I will call you and tell you I'm alive or something tomorrow if you want.”
“No. I am not leaving you alone after what transpired tonight, I'm coming inside.” He pushed himself past me and through the door.
“Plus,” he said, “I know you’d never call.” He walked around my apartment and suddenly I was feeling self-conscious that my place wasn’t like Skye’s. My kitchen was larger than a galley kitchen; however, it still only contained a table that was just large enough for one. The kitchen flowed into the living room, which was carpeted with deep maroon accents and black furniture. To the left of the living room was my bedroom. I opted for the simple look knowing that the girly look left guys feeling awkward while having sex. The bed was queen-sized with a dark brown and blue themed. Everything was hyper organized and cleaned.
“Can you please wait in the other room while I change?” I announced as he continued staring at my bed. “Please don’t even think your sleeping with me either.”
Ryder’s mouth dropped and shock crept up on his face, “I wouldn’t dare do that Harper. I am a gentleman. Once, I saved this girl from this disgustingly creepy old man you know…”
I smiled. “Oh really? You must have been her knight in shining armor then?”
He laughed and walked towards the living room. I closed the door and slipped into a black oversized t-shirt. When I finished getting dressed, I grabbed an extra blanket and pillow from the linen closet. He was sitting on the couch with his legs folded flipping through his phone when I brought them out to him. His clothes were still intact and I suddenly had the urge to slowly pop each button off his button-down shirt. Thoughts about slipping his jeans off and tasting his hard cock in my mouth started sputtering their ways inside my head, but I continued to shake them off. If I slept with him now he would be forever connected to this night. Something inside of me told me that I would regret connecting him with tonight.
“Here I have to get to work at 11am tomorrow so if you could please be gone before then, that would be great.” I said it coldly, hoping that if I could push these thoughts out of my head I would be able to sleep peacefully. I threw the blanket and pillow on the coffee table and slammed the door to my room shut.
I wish my door came with a lock, yet for some reason I trusted Ryder. I never trusted
men. This thought alone scared me. I curled up under the covers and attempted to close my eyes. Soon after, the night fell over me and I was fast asleep.
Chapter 4
My palms were shaking from fear as I gasped, trying to reach for the last bit of oxygen in the room. My heart started pounding out through my chest cavity. My body was drenched in sweat as it pooled around me and my hair clung to my scalp with dampness. A small wheezing sound came out of my voice, like a trapped mouse that was trying desperately to survive and breathe its last few breaths. My mind was numbing in and out of sleep. I was in a faze, unsure of where I was or if I was dreaming. I felt a hand grabbed my arm forcing me down on the bed. I could feel a man slowly dipped his hands inside me, shoving his fingers rapidly through me. I begged him to stop. I was screaming from the inside, but my mouth was gagged so no one could hear me.
Why couldn’t anyone hear me!?
My heart thudded faster as the man who was straddling me raised his hands and delicately placed them over my neck.
“You were a bad, bad girl Harper,” he kept saying over and over again as the pressure around my neck pushed harder and my breathing slowed until it was barely audible.
“I told you not to make me do it. I told you. Why can’t you ever listen to me?”
I wanted to tell him I would make it all better. I wanted to tell him that I would do whatever he wanted. If he was tired, I would rub his back. If he wanted dinner, I would cook him a feast. If he wanted to have sex, I would fuck him until he was sore. I wanted desperately to tell him, but I couldn’t talk.
My lungs slowed until he released one hand while the other still pressed firmly on my neck leaving marks. The free hand found its way to my bare nipple and squeezed until it was hard. It trailed down my stomach.
“I told you, you stupid bitch, to lose weight,” he mumbled as his hand collapsed on my parts. He thrust his fingers into me. Faster and faster, slowly adding more fingers until his fist was inserted in me. He shoved into me faster and harder slamming inside me. I wanted to scream but my throat was closing up. I was going to die, I just knew I was going to die: naked and alone. I felt myself slow down as my mind stopped moving.
Slowly…very slowly…I was losing…breath…losing…
***
“WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP HARPER!”
I swallowed deeply, taking in the oxygen around me. My hands immediately fell to my neck, which was bruised and bleeding. My nails were grinded to the quick and there were bits of nails stuck around my neck.
“Harper, Oh my god, Harper. Are you okay? Please speak to me. You’re soaking wet.” My eyes started to focus and I saw Ryder in front of me in the darkness. “Let me get the light,” he said.
“No, please don’t,” I grumbled. He ran to the bathroom and came back with a damp washcloth. He began to rub the light blood from my neck and my wrists where I had scratched myself.
“It’s okay, it was just a bad dream. Everything is okay now. You’re okay. These cuts are just superficial, they should be gone by tomorrow. You really did a number on yourself.” His voice was quiet and lilted with kindness and sorrow. He propped himself next to me and began running his fingers lightly through my hair.
“There are some dark demons inside of you, Harper.” His voice was now barely above a whisper and he began to hum. “Hush-a-bye you sweet little baby and don’t you cry any more. Daddy has gone to his stockbroker’s office a keepin’ the wolf from the door.”
I recognized the song. It was “American Lullaby” by Gladys Rich; a song my dad used to sing to me when I was younger. It was about a loving father/daughter relationship, but how the father had to leave for work and leave the child behind. Everyone was always leaving. It really hit home because I was always leaving. I was running; running away from those demons, but now here was a man who made them all come out. I was seeking comfort from a man who witnessed the first night terror I had experienced in years.
He kept humming softly and stroking my hair while sitting on the far side of the bed, keeping from getting too close to me physically. He was giving me space while comforting me. It was such a gentle act. There was no other emotion attached to it and he wanted nothing more but to sit there and comfort me.
I curled up under his arms as they opened, welcoming me into his warm embrace. I was still in a fog from the nightmare so I couldn’t comprehend everything going on. I couldn’t fight it. I needed him. He had an undershirt on so I didn’t feel the warmth of his skin, but as his strong arms leaned in towards me I felt the comfort of being in an embrace. It was a sense of belonging that I was not acquainted with. I slowly drifted to sleep without a single thought penetrating my mind.
***
The morning sun rose and welcomed the day into my room, slowly seeping through my curtains. I flickered my eyes open knowing all too well it was way too early for me to get up for work. My hands moved towards Ryder, whom I thought was still there, but I only felt the damp sheets beneath me. As my eyes opened to see where Ryder was, I was welcomed to the site of a lonely bed with only me tucked away in the sheets.
“Ryder?” I called hesitantly. “Are you here?” I was now nervous that he left without saying good-bye or just walked out. I wanted to talk to him about what happened and apologize for being an over emotional girl. I don’t understand what happened to me last night. I was never over emotional in grief, but suddenly something happened to me; my wall fell beneath my feet and I broke down.
As I moved to get up, my head started spinning and the events of last night unfolded in my head. I remember being forced to almost have sex with a scummy guy and then thoughts of my past flooded into my head. I was sick. Something was wrong, physically. I needed a bathroom, knowing that a man used me again made me sick; the thought of being helpless made me continue to release the little contents in my stomach. I couldn’t lose control with men--I simply couldn’t. Somehow I needed to gain control of my life and that meant leaving Ryder as a figure of my imagination and thoughts.
He had such a pull on my every thought and movement that I could even imagine myself being with him, but I couldn’t let that happen. I built myself up too far to come crashing down like waves against the shore now. The lack of control I felt when I was around Ryder was frightening. I crave control and order. Even though my life is a mess, everything since I left Chicago was in my control. What scares me is that this relationship was uncontrollable.
I could see myself with someone like him. Someone who would come and rescue me from the nightmares of my reality. I didn’t want to kick him out like all the other guys. I wanted to see him the next morning. I wanted to cuddle with him and nuzzle my face in his. I didn’t want to kick him out and never see him again. I wanted him to be the first face I saw the next morning.
After I brushed my teeth and cleaned up the mess in the bathroom, I went to look for him in the living room with full intentions of kicking him out and telling him never to come by again. I stumbled into the living room and glanced at the couch just to find it empty. Where was he? I walked into the kitchen half expecting him to be cooking me a heaping breakfast, but it was empty too. It was then I noticed the small pink paper taped to the refrigerator.
Had to run out and take care of some errands. Please don’t make me save you again from creepy dudes in bathrooms. Although I won’t complain if you sleep in my arms all night… Maybe we should meet at a more appropriate time and place? I would love if you let me take you out.
Call me,
Ryder
The bottom of the note scribbled his telephone number and next to it was a heart. No. Oh no. This cannot be happening to me. I do not go out on dates, especially not with Ryder. As much as I wanted to see him again, I couldn’t do this. I was scared. This was far too embarrassing and I was already emotionally invested in something that I cannot fathom. I was fucked up and fucked up people don’t date. People like me end up messing up relationships. People like me don’t end up happy. Therefore, if I can control who I decide t
o sleep with and when I want to sleep with them, I can have some control in my life. I can regain some confidence and hopefully make it through this shitty thing we call life.
I ripped up the note and the number and threw it away. I quickly hopped into the shower and got dressed before I had to go to work. When I arrived at work Rita was at the front desk waiting for me.
“Oh honey, what happened to you? You look like a redneck that ran through the mud a couple times. What kinda drinks were you drinkin’ last night, so I know to stay away from them.”
“I forgot how amazing and kind you were Rita,” I rolled my eyes at the amount of sarcasm that was laced in my voice.
“Baby girl, I been through a few rough nights myself. Go put your stuff down in the back and come back up here. I wanna hear all about your night before the store picks up.”
I went to the back and deposited my stuff in the office. I looked out the back window at the ocean waves breaking and the sun above them. There was something so peaceful about nature. One of the reasons I moved away from home in Chicago was to get away from the man-made culture that life projected onto you. I took a deep breath and fixed my hair in the mirror before I went out to talk to Rita.
“Now sit down here and tell me what happened to you. Someone dragged you through the mud, so spill.”
“It’s nothing really, I just went out last night and had too many drinks.” Speaking off, I should really call Skye when I get off work. I wanted to yell at her for A) telling Ryder I was at the club and B) leaving me alone in the middle of a completely packed club only to get picked up, prodded, and groped by a disgusting animal.
“Honey, I went out many a time back in my day and I know what being hung over looks like, but you’re beyond hung over. Something done happened to you and you better start telling me before I have a heart attack.” Rita saw me as a daughter figure in her life as she saw most of her employees, but there was something so warm and compassionate in the way she spoke. She was dressed in a long flow-y white skirt and a crochet top. Her hair was beach blonde done in curly waves along her face. She had wrinkles on her face, but they told her story and pronounced her wisdom to the world. You could easily tell that back in her younger years she was a naturally beautiful woman.