by Greg Bach
What not to do
Sometimes, as frustration levels mount regarding specific issues, you may be tempted to try all sorts of tactics to rid yourself of the problem. We advise steering clear of the following:
Don’t fire back: Many parents agree to meet with you about their behavior and then use the meeting as an opportunity to bombard you with accusations, complaints, and other negative comments. No matter how frustrated or upset you are, resist the urge to fire back at the parent in defense of your coaching abilities, because doing so accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Don’t embarrass the parent: Being the parent of a youth soccer player isn’t easy. Parents want the best for their young players, and if they see their child knocked down or tripped by an opposing player, and the referee doesn’t blow the whistle, keeping their displeasure to themselves can be extremely difficult. When you hear a comment shouted from the stands, sometimes you can just look over your shoulder at the offending parents. That brief eye contact with them lets them know that what they just said is unacceptable and that they need to tone it down.
Take the time to follow up and meet with the parent after the game — if you have an opportunity to speak with her alone — and remind her that negative comments detract from everyone’s enjoyment of the game. For example, try something along the lines of “I know that tripping call the referee made against your son in the second half was a little shaky, but you know all the calls aren’t going to go our way this season. Please remember that I need you and all the parents to set an example of good sportsmanship and that negative comments take away from all the kids’ enjoyment. I know it’s difficult, but please don’t let it happen again.”
Never punish the child: No matter how poorly behaved a mom or dad is, never take out your frustration on the child. Remember, the youngsters on your team have no control over how their parents behave on game day, so don’t trim down their playing time, shift their position on the field, or take any other drastic measures in an effort to rein in the emotional outbursts of their parents. Continue coaching the children, working with them, and applauding their efforts, and hopefully, your chats with the parents will help them control themselves. With luck, the remainder of the season will progress smoothly, with no more behavioral hiccups along the way.
Don’t tolerate surprise attacks in the parking lot following the game: When the parent is visibly upset, and tensions are running high, the situation isn’t conducive to a mature discussion, and nothing good comes of it. Explain to the parents that you’re happy to meet with them to discuss any concerns they may have at a time that’s convenient for both of you and that isn’t in front of their child or the rest of the team.
Don’t physically confront a parent who refuses to abide by your request to behave: Sometimes, the league policies stipulate that the coach contact a league director when problems arise, and he or she deals with them accordingly. Some programs have even resorted to hiring police officers who patrol the fields in case a verbal or physical altercation or threat occurs.
Dealing with Problem Coaches
Unfortunately, the odds are pretty good that at some point during your soccer coaching career, you’re going to come across coaches who just don’t get it when it comes to kids and soccer. Although you’re more likely to see rude, out-of-control, and offensive behavior in the older age groups and more advanced levels of soccer, when the competition becomes more intense, you also find it at the beginning levels.
Improper behavior from opposing coaches
The best way to combat this type of behavior from an opposing coach is to maintain a level head and a calm demeanor while he’s losing his. These situations test how well you can adhere to that coaching philosophy of yours (which we discuss in Chapter 2).
Your top priority at all times is to protect the best interests of your squad. The players on your team take their cues from you and how you act when the tension rises and blood pressures escalate.
Encouraging unsafe play
Ensuring the safety of your players should always be a top priority. Sure, in a contact sport like soccer, injuries happen, and you can’t always avoid the normal bumps and bruises that occur during the course of a season. But if you find your team going against a squad that’s being encouraged to use unsafe methods that put your team’s safety and well being in jeopardy, you have to take immediate action. What steps should you take?
Talk to the referee: Address your concerns in a respectable manner to the referee, and express that your players are being put at unnecessary risk. Be clear that you’re concerned about the welfare of all the kids, not how the referee is calling the game. Never hesitate to address a safety issue. One of the referee’s most important responsibilities is to ensure the safety of all the players, so by working with her — not against her — you can help make that happen.
Don’t confront the opposing coach: Utilize the referee as your intermediary to resolve the situation. Heading over to the other sideline typically just creates the potential for more conflict. It could also antagonize the coach, who may feel threatened that you’ve come over and put his coaching techniques in question in front of all the fans. The coach may react negatively and view it as a ploy to affect his team’s play, particularly if he’s winning the game.
Stop the game: If, after speaking with the referee, you don’t feel that the tone and nature of the game have changed enough and that physical and unsafe play continues to prevail, your only recourse is removing your team from the field. Certainly, you hope that the play never gets bad enough that you have to resort to this action, but completing a soccer game simply to get it in the books — at the risk of injury to a child — is never worth it.
Speak with the league director: If a league director monitors games at the facility where your team plays and is on the premises, speak with him about your concerns before pulling your players off the field. If he’s not available, meet with him as soon as possible to explain your concerns about the game and why you felt that terminating the game was in the best interest of your kids.
Modeling poor sportsmanship
You’re in for quite a surprise if you head into the season thinking that every opposing team’s coach is a mild-mannered individual who’s going to be a model of good behavior and human decency. Some soccer coaches — hopefully, not in your league — do prowl the sidelines like hungry tigers. They wear out their lungs by screaming at their players to run faster and kick harder. They fire negative comments at referees, argue every call that goes against their team, and give their team members the perception that everyone is against them. These coaches behave like every game is for the World Cup, every call carries life-or-death consequences, and every victory is an affirmation of what a wonderful job they’re doing.
What’s the best way to combat opposing coaches who are sabotaging the experience for everyone involved? Here are a few tips to keep in mind when the game heats up:
Keep a level head: Opposing coaches who operate with unsportsmanlike behavior challenge your patience, test your poise, and wreak havoc with your blood pressure. You want to avoid retaliating and remain a model of good behavior for your team.
Use it as a teachable moment: Point out to your team the type of boorish behavior taking place on the other sideline and that they have to rise above that and demonstrate that they can be much better behaved.
Meet with the league director: Make her aware that a coach is really setting a poor example for the kids on his team and that he’s not the type of individual who should be coaching in this league.
Tune out distractions: Tell players to ignore the coach’s shouting and to play their own game. Keep talking to them in a positive manner; keep their attention focused on the game and utilizing their skills, and don’t allow them to be distracted by his loud-mouthed behavior.
Disagreements with assistants
As we discuss in Chapter 4, assistants play a vital role in the success of your team. They’re extra sets of eyes and ea
rs during games, and they can help provide instruction and keep drills moving during practices. But as we also mention in Chapter 4, exercising great caution before selecting individuals to hold these key positions is extremely important. What are some of the problems that you can run into with your assistant coaches? Take a look at the assistant who:
Wants his child to play more: Perhaps this person had ulterior motives from the start and grabbed an assistant’s role to help ensure that her child got extra playing time or was guaranteed a certain position.
Is a distraction during games: Even the most laid-back, mild-mannered parents can turn into raving, screaming lunatics when the game begins. As soon as the scoreboard is turned on, you’d think a switch was flipped in their heads as they go into a mode of screaming and running up and down the sidelines.
Is a poor teacher: You don’t want to teach youngsters the wrong way to perform a skill or, worst of all, an unsafe technique that can put them at unnecessary risk and pose an injury risk for the kids they’re playing against. You may have some great, well-meaning parents who raised their hands and volunteered to help you out, but if their knowledge of soccer skills is limited or nonexistent (which is often the case, because many of today’s parents didn’t play soccer growing up), it knocks open the door for all sorts of problems to occur.
Has a different philosophy: During your preseason meeting with the parents, you (hopefully) stressed that winning was going to take a backseat to skill development and fun. Although all the parents may have nodded in agreement with those statements back then, you may discover that after the games begin and they start watching the standings, they don’t exactly share those same views anymore. Basically, they bailed out on you and are preaching to the kids everything that you’re against.
Your assistant coaches are an extension of you — which makes everything they say and do on your behalf extremely important to the overall success of the season. Keep an eye out, especially during your first few practices of the season, to closely monitor how your assistants interact and teach the kids skills. If they’re not getting the job done or adhering to the philosophies you’re looking to instill in your team, you need to have a 1-on-1 talk with them right away to reinforce what you want to accomplish this season. Usually, this chat is enough to get them back on the right track. If it’s not, and problems continue, let them know that you think it’s in the best interest of the team that they step down from their assistant duties. Be sure to thank them for their time and effort. The position is simply too important to let problems linger any longer than necessary.
Dealing with Discipline Problems on Your Own Team
Teaching kids the finer points of heading and how to deliver accurate corner kicks are just some of the areas of the game that challenge your coaching skills. Making sure that youngsters listen to your instructions, respect your authority, and abide by the team rules you set forth can pose a whole new set of challenges that you may not have been completely aware of — or prepared for — when you raised your hand to volunteer this season.
The chances are pretty good that at some point during the season, you’ll have to discipline a child who steps over the line. A lot of times, children become disruptive because they’re frustrated at their lack of progress in soccer, they feel like their contributions aren’t valued by the coach, or they get a sense that their teammates don’t value them or like them being a part of the team.
Reviewing some general advice
When dealing with behavior problems among your players, keep the following in mind:
Stay away from laps: When a child mouths off, sending him on a lap or two around the field as punishment is tempting. But conditioning exercises should never be used as a form of punishment with players. Conditioning plays a very important role in soccer, particularly at the more advanced levels of play, where it becomes a major aspect of the game and impacts the play on the field. If children relate conditioning and running with punishment, they’re more likely to develop a negative outlook on conditioning, which can be disruptive to their development.
Be true to your word: When you outline to a particular player the discipline that will follow if she doesn’t behave appropriately, you have to follow through with the punishment to maintain your authority, credibility, trust, and respect with the team.
Apply team rules evenly: One of the most disastrous moves you can make when disciplining children is to play favorites and allow some kids to get away with certain behavior while punishing others for the same infraction. A youngster’s ability to kick a soccer ball harder or more accurately than his teammate shouldn’t generate a separate set of team rules for him. Doing so divides the team and causes resentment among players, which quickly sabotages team chemistry.
Make sure the punishment is fair: Don’t go overboard enforcing team policies. If a child forgets her water bottle at practice, don’t view it as the same type of infraction as swearing during a practice or game.
Avoid the doghouse syndrome: As soon as the discipline with the child is completed, sweep that incident to the side, and move on. Don’t hold a grudge or treat the child differently than you did before the problem occurred. Keeping the child in the doghouse simply isn’t fair when you’ve already punished him for his transgression. Forgive, forget, and focus on making sure the youngster feels like a valued member of the team again. This means recognizing when he does something well, which helps reassure him that you’ve forgotten the past problems.
Maintain a level head: Shouting at athletes or losing your temper when disciplining distorts the discipline you’re trying to enforce and sets a poor example for the team regarding acceptable behavior.
Don’t discipline for playing miscues: Never resort to disciplining a child who gives up a goal or makes an errant pass that results in the game-winning goal for the opposing team. But, if a player intentionally tries to injure another player by tripping her, for example, immediately remove him from the game. This type of behavior may warrant further disciplinary action on your part, depending on the severity of the action, the intent, and other factors that led up to the tripping incident.
Using the three-strikes approach
Addressing discipline problems at the first sign of trouble and resolving conflicts before they escalate and cause further disruptions are vital for maintaining team order and your sanity. An effective approach to rely on is a three-strikes technique that allows the children a little room for error and gives you time to restructure their behavior. It will probably do the trick for you in most scenarios that you encounter. Inform the parents of the procedure you’ll be following before any problems ever materialize so that everyone fully understands how punishment will be handed out.
Strike one!
The first time a child displays behavior that you deem unacceptable, give her a verbal warning. This warning lets her know that you’re not pleased with what she said or did and that if it happens again, you will punish her. Some examples of behavior that merits a strike-one warning include a child swearing during a game or displaying unsportsmanlike conduct, such as refusing to shake the hand of an opposing player following a game. In most cases, when a child knows that a stricter measure will be enforced if she repeats the same behavior, she isn’t likely to do it again. Of course, kids are kids, and some aren’t able to break their bad behavior habits or simply may have to test your authority to see whether you’re serious about punishing them if they misbehave again. This approach is sort of like telling a child not to touch something because it’s still hot, and she still proceeds to touch it, much to your disapproval. So be prepared, and don’t allow a child to trample your authority. Be willing to go to the next discipline level.
Strike two!
If the youngster continues to disobey your instructions, and she’s still swearing during games, for example, you have to bump up the severity of the punishment in order to derail this negative behavior before it becomes a total distraction to the team. Taking away a portion of
her playing time in the next game sends a clear message that she has no room for negotiating and that if she doesn’t stop this behavior immediately, she’s not going to get back on the field. Let the player know in specific terms that if she misbehaves anymore, she’s jeopardizing her future with the team. After a strike-two warning, meet with the parents, and let them know what took place. Let the parents know that you want their child to be a part of this team and that she won’t face repercussions the rest of the season if she behaves in an appropriate manner. Relay exactly what you told the child so the parents can reinforce your message at home. This makes the child aware of the seriousness of her behavior and that she must take immediate action to continue playing on the team. Let the parents know that their child will be sitting on the bench for an extended period of time as punishment. If you happen to be coaching in a more competitive league, and the offending child is a starter, not allowing her to start is usually all you need to warrant a turnaround in her behavior.
Strike three!
Rarely do youngsters venture into strike-three territory. With this three-tiered approach to passing out punishment, and with coveted playing time at stake, most youngsters behave after the verbal warning is issued at the first hint of a problem. In the rare event where the child simply refuses to adhere to your instructions and her behavior continues to be unacceptable, you may have no recourse but to remove the child from the team. You have a responsibility to all the kids on your team, and you can’t allow the behavior of one child to disrupt the experience of everyone else. Ideally, you never want to be in a position to force a child away from a sport, and before resorting to this measure, meet with the league director to detail what’s happened so far. In order to give the child every opportunity to make amends, you can even go so far as to allow the child to return to the team if she’s willing to apologize to you and the team and promise to be a model of good behavior. Kids can turn over a new leaf, and maybe a few days away from the team will make her realize how much she misses playing soccer. If she knows the door is still cracked open for her return, if she apologizes for her previous indiscretions, the potential exists for everything to work out in the end.