“Are you coming with me or not?” he asked.
“Not like this,” she said, playing her final card. “I care for you too much to help you run away from this.”
She saw the surprise in his eyes. He hadn’t expected her to say no. Not when push came to shove. She held her breath, waiting for his response. Hoping that standing her ground might be the push he needed to confront the past.
“Then I guess I’ll see you in Great Falls.”
His words landed like lead weights in her belly, and before she could react, he leaned forward and planted a single, hard kiss on her lips. Then he was ducking out through the doorway, and she was standing alone in the trailer.
For a moment she stood frozen in place, overwhelmed by what she’d just learned, and by the depth of the wound Jesse carried. Everything she’d said to him, every tactic she’d tried in the last ten minutes, felt woefully inadequate. She had no idea what to try next, how to best offer him support and comfort. All she knew was that she cared, to the depths of her being, that he was okay.
Taking a deep, calming breath, she tried to think of what to do next. She figured she had a few minutes up her sleeve while Jesse hitched his trailer and settled Major inside it. Enough time to clear her head and come up with a game plan.
Then she heard the sound of a truck starting up.
Alarmed, she spun toward the door. She broke into a run as she exited the trailer, and when she rounded the barn she was just in time to see Jesse’s truck disappear down the drive.
He must have hitched the trailer before he came to speak to her, ready to make a quick exit. He’d been that desperate to get out of here.
And suddenly, she understood what she had to do.
She headed for the house, her stride long. She took the steps to the porch two at a time. She slammed into the house, her gaze going straight to Jed’s closed office door.
She didn’t bother to knock—there was no time for niceties.
“Jesse’s leaving. You need to go after him,” she said as she flung the door open.
Jed looked up from the computer screen, his expression tight and closed off.
“If he wants to go, he should go,” he said. “It’s not my place to stop him.”
CJ stared at him, frustrated and urgent in equal measure. Jed had no idea what was at stake, but telling him would be a betrayal of Jesse’s most heartfelt confidence. She knew without asking that Jesse had never told another soul what he’d told her today, and she could not—would not—breach that trust.
“He’s upset. I’m worried about him driving when he’s so worked up. You need to go after him,” she said.
Jed returned his gaze to the computer screen, so self-contained she wanted to scream.
“He knows how to handle himself,” he said, his fingers tapping away at the keyboard as he returned to his work.
CJ acted before she could think about it, stepping forward and slapping the keyboard away with so much force it slid off the edge of the desk with a plastic clatter.
“Go after your brother. He needs you,” she said, tears springing to her eyes.
Jed looked at her, his face pale, and she knew she’d finally gotten through to him.
“Please. If you leave now you can still catch him.”
*
Jesse was only a couple of miles up the road when he felt the trailer pull heavily to the right, dragging him toward the edge of the road. Thankfully he wasn’t going too fast and could easily correct. He tested the steering, confirming there was an odd drag to the right, and signaled to pull over. He climbed out of the truck and went to inspect the trailer. Sure enough, one of the two rear tires had blown on the right side.
“Shit.” He kicked the offending tire, the emotions in his chest vibrating behind his sternum, wanting out.
He just wanted to be gone from here. Was it so much to ask?
He grabbed the jack and tire iron from the back of the pickup. The trailer carried a spare bolted beneath the rear, and he took that off and rolled it to where he’d left the jack. Kneeling in the gravel and dust, he felt for the jack point under the trailer, cursing when he touched sharp metal and nicked his fingers. Sucking the blood off, he tried again, more carefully this time, and finally located the jack point. Sliding the jack beneath it, he started to pump the handle.
Then he realized he’d forgotten to loosen the nuts while the tire was on the ground, a rookie’s mistake and one that should have been beneath him. One of the first things his father had taught him about cars was how to change a tire, making Jesse rotate all four tires on the family pickup to prove he’d learned the lesson.
He could hear his father’s voice in his head as he lowered the jack down. Gotta loosen the nuts on the ground, but not all the way, Jesse boy. Make gravity work for you, not against you.
His voice was so clear in Jesse’s head, low and with a hint of gravel, tinged with the underlying good humor that had characterized his father, and suddenly everything in front of him was blurry and he couldn’t seem to hold back the bubble of emotion rising in his throat.
His head bowed and his shoulders curved inward as a soundless sob racked him. Hunched forward, he gave himself over to the rush of emotion, powerless against its strength, unable to do anything except ride the wave.
It was all so fucked. He was so fucked. He’d walked out on CJ and his family. He’d let everyone down.
“I’m so sorry, Dad,” he whispered. “God, I’m so fucking sorry. I wish I could take it back. More than anything I wish I could. I miss you so fucking much…”
But his father wasn’t there to hear his words of regret, because he’d died twelve years ago when he and Jesse’s mom had been driving into town to pick up Jesse from the sheriff’s office.
If Jesse hadn’t gotten messy drinking stolen beers with his football buddies and broken into the school gym that night, his parents would still be alive. They wouldn’t have been on the road when Gideon Tate hit black ice and lost control of his SUV, sliding across the line and hitting Jesse’s dad’s pickup head-on. They wouldn’t have died instantly as the windshield shattered and the car crumpled.
And he was never, ever going to be able to correct his mistake or make it up to his parents or his siblings for what he’d done because death didn’t offer second chances.
One night, one stupid, dumb, careless act, and he’d destroyed his whole family.
Was it any wonder he didn’t want to come home, why he couldn’t stay? He’d changed all their lives forever, and they all knew it, and for years Jesse had known that the best thing he could do was give them the gift of his absence so they didn’t have to look at him every day.
There was so much grief filling his chest it hurt, and he couldn’t seem to get a grip on his tears. His shoulders shuddered and he sucked in air, fighting for control.
The sound of a car coming registered and he was glad he was shielded from the road by the trailer. Still, he used his forearm to try to wipe his face.
Then he heard the car slowing.
He turned his head and felt a dull thud of recognition as a dark blue Ford pickup pulled in behind his rig. The door opened, and Jed got out.
“What happened? You get a blowout?” his brother asked, walking toward him.
Then he caught sight of Jesse’s tear-ravaged face and stopped. There was so much shock in his eyes, so much uncertainty, and to his shame Jesse felt the tears coming again. He turned his head away.
“I got it,” he said, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t fooling anyone with his croaky voice.
“What’s going on, Jesse?” Jed said, drawing closer. Then Jesse felt the warm weight of his brother’s hand on his shoulder as Jed hunkered down beside him.
The gentle tenderness in the gesture and the concern in his brother’s voice were too much and Jesse couldn’t hold back the words he’d kept inside him for twelve years.
“I’m sorry. I should have said this to you years ago. If it hadn’t been for me, they would
never have been on the road that night. I know it, and I know you’re the one who’s had to carry everything because of my fuckup. I’m sorry. For all of it. I’m really fucking sorry.”
“Jesus, Jesse. Fuck.”
There was a thud, and Jesse turned his head to find his brother sitting on his ass beside him, his face pale with shock.
“You’ve been carrying this around for years? Are you fucking kidding me?” Jed said. “You are not responsible for Mom and Dad dying. You hear me? It was an accident.”
“We both know they wouldn’t have been on the road into town if they hadn’t been coming to pick me up. If I hadn’t fucked up.”
Jed shook his head. “No. No way. Jesse… God… If I’d known this was what you thought… We should have talked about this years ago.”
“What’s to talk about? It’s pretty simple. I was a screwup, and Mom and Dad were on the road that night because of me.”
“No. I read the accident report, Jesse. There was ice on the road. And Mom’s airbag didn’t deploy properly. That’s why they died.”
“Don’t try and let me off the hook. They wouldn’t have been anywhere near Gideon Tate when he lost control of his car if it hadn’t been for me.”
Jed shook his head again, the movement fierce and determined.
“No, wrong. Listen up, okay, because this is important. The day before the accident, Mae’s mom broke her leg.”
Jesse frowned. Jed almost never talked about his ex, Mae Berringer, the girl he’d been crazy in love with through senior year of high school and the first year of college.
“Mae was worried about her mom because she was on her own, worried she wouldn’t be able to cope once they sent her home from the hospital. Mae wanted to come home to look after her, even though we were in the middle of exams. So the next day, when Mae’s mother got released from the hospital, I asked Mom to look in on her, make sure she had everything she needed so I could reassure Mae. Mom being Mom, she made a couple of casseroles to take over, and when the call came from the sheriff’s office about you, she and Dad decided to kill two birds with one stone. Instead of going straight into town, they went to the Berringers’ place first.”
Jed’s gaze never left Jesse’s face. “They spent ten minutes there, then got back in the car and headed into Marietta. So, let me ask you—was it my fault they died, because I asked them to look in on Lucy Berringer?”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“If they hadn’t made that detour, they would have been halfway to town when Gideon Tate hit that ice. Miles away. But because of me, they were there, at that exact moment.”
Jesse stared at his brother. His own guilt was so well established in his own mind, it was hard for him to think about what his brother was suggesting. But Jed was right—ten minutes either way and their parents would be alive.
But not for a moment did Jesse think that made their deaths Jed’s fault.
The implications for what that might mean for Jesse’s own guilt were nothing short of mind-blowing and for a moment Jesse could do nothing but sit and breathe and try to get his head around it.
“Let me tell you something else about that night,” Jed said, almost as though he could read Jesse’s thoughts. “You know I told you about Mom’s airbag not deploying? I found a notice from the dealer in Dad’s files when I was trying to get on top of everything, letting Dad know the airbags needed to be replaced because of a recall. But Dad never got around to making an appointment.” Again, Jed paused, letting the detail sink in. “Does that make it Dad’s fault she died, because his bag deployed and hers didn’t?”
Jesse stared at his brother, the question sitting in the silence between them.
Would his mom still be alive if his father had acted on the recall? Jesse’s best guess was probably not, because their father’s airbag had worked as intended and he’d still died. The odds were good it would have gone the same way for their mother.
And yet.
“It was an accident,” Jed said quietly. “Wrong place, wrong time. No one’s fault. Or, if you prefer, everyone’s fault. Yours, mine, Dad’s, Gideon Tate’s, the car company, the contractor who graded that bit of road, the tire manufacturer… You can’t keep hauling this around with you, Jesse. It’s not your burden to carry.”
Jesse heard his brother’s words, and they made sense. Still, it took him a moment to process. Took him a moment to feel his chest muscles relax, for his hands to unclench from where he’d been gripping his knees. A rush of overwhelming emotion burned its way up the back of his throat, and he bowed his head.
It was hard to keep a grip on the grief and relief, guilt and gratitude—it was all so tangled up inside him. For years he’d hated himself for that night. Hated what he’d done to his family. But maybe, if it wasn’t his fault, he could let some of that go now.
Maybe he could allow himself to be a real part of the family again.
Jed didn’t say a word, just let him duck his head and deal with it. When Jesse finally felt able to look up again, he saw Jed’s eyes were swimming, too.
“While we’re clearing up the past…I should never have told you to leave that day,” Jed said. “I’ve been trying to say this to you for years. I was sinking like a rock, trying to cope, and I overreacted like an idiot. I hate that you still don’t feel like you can come home, and that that day is always between us. Most of all I’m sorry I let you down when you needed me the most.”
There were no words, so Jesse simply grabbed his brother in a fierce embrace. They hugged so hard Jesse felt his shoulders pop, and still he couldn’t let Jed go. Quiet and solid, determined and honorable, his brother was a thoroughly decent human being, and the thought that Jed had been kicking his own ass all these years over what had happened between them killed Jesse.
“You have never let me down. Never,” he said, his voice gruff with emotion.
“Same goes for you. Always.”
They broke apart. For a moment Jesse didn’t know where to look. He felt raw. His eyes hurt. His chest hurt.
Then all of a sudden reality seemed to push in on him and he realized he and his brother were sitting in the dirt and gravel on the side of the road, bawling like kids. It was such an absurd visual, so completely at odds with the image he’d spent years projecting—Jesse Carmody, tough-guy bronc rider—he barked out a laugh.
Jed looked startled for a moment, then his mouth twitched into a smile, too.
“Guess we could have found a better place to do this,” he said.
Jesse cocked his head as a thought hit him. “Were you coming after me?”
“CJ sent me after you. Almost dragged me out of my chair with her bare hands.”
“Yeah?” Jesse used the back of his hand to wipe his eyes. “I shouldn’t have gone behind your back at the store,” he said.
“I shouldn’t have blown up at you.” Jed glanced back toward his truck. “You were just trying to help. I can see that now.”
Jesse glanced at his brother’s grim face. “How bad is it? Bad enough to lose the ranch?”
Jed’s head whipped back round and he frowned. “Not that bad. Not yet.”
“Here’s an idea—why don’t you tell me, Casey and Sierra what’s going on and we can all pitch in?”
Jed was already shaking his head before Jesse had finished talking and Jesse gave him an exasperated look.
“Why should you always be the one to carry the load all the time? Last time I looked, we were all adults. You don’t have to protect us anymore. We’re equal shareholders in the property. This is on all of us, not just you.”
“I’m the one who fucked it up. I should be the one who fixes it,” Jed said stubbornly.
Jesse grinned, suddenly able to see so much of himself in his brother’s self-defeating behavior. “Man, we Carmodys are a bunch of stubborn sons of bitches, aren’t we? Unless you emptied the ranch account and put it all on a horse called Lucky at the Kentucky Derby, I’m pretty sure you’re not responsible for the f
act that ranching is one of the toughest gigs on earth. Share the pain, Jed. Four heads are better than one.”
Jed stared at him for a long beat, then he gave a single decisive nod. “All right. If you think it’ll make a difference.”
“I do.” He glanced at the flat tire and abandoned jack. “Why don’t you fill me in while I fix this thing? Then we can take it from there.”
Again Jed nodded, and Jesse rolled to his knees and started winding the jack down.
“Don’t really know where to start,” Jed said.
A quick sideway glance revealed his brother’s eyes were downcast. This was as hard for him as talking about their parents had been for Jesse.
“At the beginning is usually a good place. I promise not to laugh at the really dumb parts.”
Jed crack a smile then, and for the first time in twelve years Jesse looked at him and saw a friend and not the brother he’d let down.
Seemed it was a day of revelations. Good ones, mostly.
Reaching for the cross brace, he got to work on the wheel nuts, and his brother started talking.
Chapter Nineteen
CJ sat on the porch steps with Sierra, itchy with dread and doubt.
She should have gone after Jesse herself. Better yet, she should have gone with him when he asked, instead of using her presence as a bargaining chip, or barred the door and refused to let him out of the Airstream.
In all three scenarios, she would not be sitting here, worried sick about him, about the way he’d looked when he left her and what that might mean for him and for them.
Sierra’s hand landed in the middle of her back, a warm, reassuring weight. “Jed will chase him down, don’t worry. He’s the most tenacious of us Carmodys.”
CJ nodded, unable to speak. Sierra had no idea what was going down with Jesse; she’d just assumed Jesse taking off was a continuation of the argument he and Jed had out in the field earlier. It wasn’t CJ’s place to share Jesse’s pain with her, even though she knew with absolute certainty that this family needed to shed light on its dark corners. Jesse had to tell his own story, in his own time.
The Cowboy Meets His Match Page 24