by K. I. Lynn
Nathan.
I was still trapped, weighed down by my nightmare. I thought I heard him calling my name, but it was almost like it was through the water that had crashed around me, drowning everything out.
I was lost, I didn’t know what to do, how to act. I needed to leave. Get out.
Get out!
Get out! I want you out of my house.
“Lila!” Nathan yelled. His hand slammed on the wall in front of me, blocking my exit.
I flinched and backed away. My eyes grew wide as I stared at him before I looked down at the ground. With slow, measured steps I walked backward until I hit the wall, my eyes glued to the floor.
“Lila?” he questioned. It was obvious he was taken aback by my actions.
The concern in his voice at my reaction filled my ears. I tried to push it back down, back into its hole, but the dream was still so raw and fresh, reverting me back over ten years. I felt my stomach coiling again.
In my peripheral vision I saw his shadow move against the tile floor. It wavered as he took a step forward. My blood ran cold, my eyes wide, my breathing stopped.
I was frozen in fear.
“Lila?”
I still couldn’t respond.
How could he ever love you? How could anyone?
I saw his arm rising toward me and I braced myself, trying not to flinch, unsure of what to expect. His fingers moved under my chin and lifted my head up to meet his gaze, but I locked it in place.
He growled and the sound sent a shockwave through me, igniting the spark. His fingers made a light trail around my neck and into my hair, leaving fire in their wake. He wrapped his fingers around my locks and gave a forcible tug. My eyes rose to meet his steel, pained ones.
He paused, staring at me, waiting for recognition to take hold. For me to see that is was him, Nathan, standing in front of me, and no one else. My vision cleared, the pounding in my ears lessening.
My body bowed to his, my chest rising, as if he was pulling me to him with an invisible cord. I knew his touch, loved his touch.
I was reminded that I wasn’t afraid of his hands on me. Not his. They were aggressive and forceful, but different as night and day to the touch I’d once known. I didn’t shy away from Nathan, but moved toward him. My whole body gravitated to his.
The fear melted away when he pressed his body to mine. My heart sped up at his proximity, as it always did; it drummed loudly, drowning out any other sound.
His eyes were dark now; they always darkened when he knew he had me.
Lips came down and pressed hard against mine, his tongue begging for entrance. The moment I surrendered to him, his control slipped; he pushed me into the wall, deepening the kiss, building it into a frenzy.
After a moment he pulled back. His hand released my hair and brushed a few strands away from my face.
“Tell me,” he said.
My eyes were frantic as they looked around, waiting for one of the voices to say something.
Nathan’s hand grabbed hold of my jaw to keep me facing him. “It’s just you and me. Now, tell me.”
“A dream,” I whispered. “It was just a nightmare, that’s all.”
He heaved a sigh and stepped away. The small motion tore at my chest, and I found my hand reaching out to him, my eyes wide with fear. I watched sadness and anger cross his face at my reaction.
“Come on,” he said, turning and walking to the shower. He leaned in to turn on the water, his back facing me. My eyes wandered over his skin, studying the scars there.
Of their own accord, my feet moved to stand behind him, my hand reaching out and tracing along the lines. He jumped, startled by my approach. As the water heated, he allowed my exploring to continue.
Nathan had scars on the outside to match the scars he held on the inside, where as mine were all inside. The physical pain he endured topped with the emotional…I understood why he said those things, but it still hurt so much to know he wanted to be dead.
I wasn’t going to be enough to keep him here. I could barely keep myself standing; how could I save him?
The thought was crushing. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him back to me. I began crying into the space between his shoulder blades, my arms locking in place, keeping him from turning around.
“Lila.” His hands pried mine off and he pulled me in front of him.
He gazed down at me, and I knew he could see the tears sliding down my cheeks. He sighed before walking me backward into the shower. The water was hot against my cool skin as we entered the dual spray. I let the water run down my face, into my hair, rinsing away the dream, but my body wouldn’t relax.
My eyes traveled over his body as I washed my skin. I scrubbed harder, trying to get the words, the memories off me. After I was rinsed clean, I stepped in front of him and my fingers began trailing along the large scar that ran down the side of his ribs and across his hip.
It was a daily reminder to him each time he looked in the mirror. He couldn’t escape his past.
My past might have dictated the type of person I was, but I had control over the person I would become. They couldn’t control me anymore. I hadn’t seen nor talked to them in years.
It was what I told myself over and over, but there were still times it wasn’t enough.
Right then was one of those times.
My fingers returned to tracing the slightly raised, lighter colored skin. I could feel his eyes on me, watching. I looked up to find that his normal cockiness wasn’t showing, just pain, confusion, and…wonderment?
His fingers trembled as they ghosted over my skin, his lips brushing against mine.
There was only the sound of rushing water, and the hitch of his breath.
Each pass, caress, was like a shock, sending warmth through me to beat back the cold from my dream. Each stroke was bringing me back to him.
My eyes were heavy as they followed his every movement. He took my right hand, and floated it up to his lips. His mouth washed over each knuckle, his eyes on mine the entire time.
His actions held me breathless and spellbound, and spoke volumes in their silence.
He was devoted to me, even if he could never allow himself to love me or say the words; he did care. I meant something to him.
Tears welled at the corners of my eyes, and I hiccupped as I tried to hold in the emotions trying to burst out of my heart.
He didn’t speak, but he didn’t need to. Ghosts of my past were trying their damnedest to take me down, while Nathan was pulling me back.
It seemed like he had to be as close as possible, to make me concentrate on him – to focus on what mattered. I felt his beating heart, his breath across my skin. He rained worshipping kisses across my cheeks, down my neck, and along my shoulders. I couldn’t ignore the language that his body spoke, it was louder than any verbal sentiment he could ever give. That was all I knew in that moment—he was my anchor.
Once he realized I was over the worst of it, his touches became more urgent, his kisses more intense.
He ran his nose up my neck to my ear. “Relax, baby,” he whispered. “Do I have your attention now? I need you here with me.” He knew and understood what I needed more than anyone ever had before.
I nodded at his words, and willed my muscles to uncoil, my body relaxing back into him. He was playing my body in a way only he could. No other man would ever be able to make me feel that way.
His fingers slipped into me, while his other hand moved across my chest to tease my nipple. “Come back to me, baby. Don’t let them take you from me.”
Nathan would not be ignored, least of all because of my past. I loved him for doing that for me. No therapy could ever get me out of my head like that…but Nathan could. He knew what I needed, since his head was equally as fucked up and rife with past trauma.
My legs shook as his fingers pushed deeper, my whole body tensing as I moved closer and closer to the edge. He was pulling me into that trance-like state I craved and needed.
I moaned and pushed my hips back into his as I fisted his hair. “You are my cock slut, my sex goddess, and my beautiful girl. That’s all you need to know.”
I was panting, so close to release. Every time he called me his, I almost came and sobbed at the same time. I was undone. I couldn’t think at all about anything but his possession. My walls clenched around his fingers, my muscles seizing in ecstasy as he pushed me over the edge.
My body was limp against his, my arms at my sides. The spray of the water was cooling my now heated skin.
His hands ran soothing circles on my skin. “Feel better? Are you okay now?”
I nodded as best I could, unable to talk. I soaked up the feeling of him pressed against my back, and tried my hardest to push back the dark doubts that were writhing at the back of my mind.
CHAPTER 16
It was a long emotional weekend with Nathan, and I was happy to have my weekly schedule of work ahead of me to focus on. Work helped to take my brain off my Nathan-obsession for a little while. At least until I was sucking on a pen. That move had gotten me into quite a bit of trouble on more than one occasion. It wasn’t entirely intended, but just as he clicked on pens to think, I sucked on them.
Nathan worked very hard that weekend to make sure I couldn’t remember my name let alone walk by the time he was done. He had returned me to normal, my nightmare pushed to the back of my mind, and by Sunday night I was back in control of myself. I hated showing how weak I was to anyone, let alone him. That was why I created an alternate version of myself. I yearned to one day be as strong as the woman I made people believe I was on the outside.
I also learned I had given Nathan great power over me. He had the ability to heal me or destroy me, and I didn’t know which way it would go. A thought that scared me, but I pushed it back with all the other bad thoughts.
It was a little before seven in the morning when the elevator landed on the first floor, and I stepped into the parking lot, heading to work. After rounding the corner, I stopped in my tracks when I noticed a very familiar man leaning on my car.
I took a deep breath as I walked toward him, unsure why he was waiting for me. I was still pissed about Friday night somewhere in my head, but I felt like Nathan had fucked that loose as well.
Andrew greeted me when I was within earshot. “Hi.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Hi.”
“I came by to apologize.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, and I knew he meant it. He always did that when he felt bad about something.
“You did, did you?” I wasn’t planning on letting him off the hook, yet. His words hurt, and I wanted to know what sparked them.
“Yes. I thought about the other night and realized what the problem was.”
“And?”
He rubbed the back of his neck and let out a nervous little laugh. “I’m jealous. I’m a jealous asshole.”
My mouth dropped open, and my breath escaped in a hiss. His confession took me completely off guard and my eyebrows scrunched together. “What?”
“My behavior was horrible. I guess I was in shock and, to be honest, a little turned on by the thought of sex with you in a public place. I mean, if you wanted sex, why didn’t you come to me? We were always very good in that department. It wasn’t just that, though.”
“What was it then?”
He gave me a pained smile and sighed. “I can see you’ve changed since I last saw you. It’s not much yet, but there’s a light every now and again in your eyes and it wasn’t me who put it there. I faced that hard truth the other night. It wasn’t your issues that broke us apart, it was me. It was me that didn’t understand, and I was frustrated with myself for failing. I am never going to be what you need. I am never going to heal you. He understands you, doesn’t he?”
I nodded, too stunned by his admission to speak.
“Did I help? At least a little?” His eyes were dim with a sadness I’d never seen in him.
I placed my hand on his chest. “You helped me more than you’ll ever know.”
He pursed his lips and nodded. “But it wasn’t enough.”
I gave him a small, sad smile.
“I’m sorry, really sorry about the other night. Please don’t hold it against me,” he begged.
I gave him a stern look before smiling and pulling him in for a hug. “Just don’t hurt me like that again, okay?”
“I’m so sorry. You know I was worried and flew off the handle. I mean, I know you’re a horny girl, but rather than some random guy, just jump my bones next time, okay?”
I laughed and pulled back, swatting his chest. “He wasn’t random.”
“Okay, just jump me next time,” he said with a bright smile.
“You’re going to get me in trouble.”
“Why? Is he the possessive type?”
I laughed at his accuracy but stopped when I felt his body stiffen. His face was no longer lighthearted, but hard.
“Andrew?”
My gaze followed his. Nathan had just stepped through the exit and he was glaring at us. My eyes locked with his, and a shiver ran down my spine at the icy look he gave me.
He was angry. Very angry.
“A little early to be flirting, isn’t it? Get going, Delilah, we have a meeting this morning, remember?” He called as I watched him walk into the parking lot, his eyes still locked on us.
“I was just leaving, thank you for the reminder, Nathan,” I replied.
He got into his car a few spots down and pulled out, gunning it out of the parking lot.
Andrew spoke up, startling me. “I don’t like him.”
I turned back to him, noticing my hand was still resting on his chest, and that I was leaning into him.
Shit. I was in deep trouble. I had just inadvertently set Nathan off, and I would be punished all day long by the anger that was rolling off him. He didn’t like Andrew, and standing like that with him, laughing? What the hell was I thinking?
“Why don’t you like him?” I was getting tired of their pissing contest. Though it did make me feel good knowing that two good looking men were on the verge of fighting over me. “You don’t even know him.”
“Do you?”
“A little,” I lied. “We’ve worked together for a few months now.”
“He has a reputation with women, and I don’t want that to include you.”
I quirked my eyebrow at him. “Is that really it? Because I can assure you he doesn’t see me that way.”
No, I’m different from them.
Andrew sighed and looked down at me. “I’ve also heard some things about him. He has anger management issues. He was thrown out of the courtroom more than once for his outbursts. That’s why he isn’t in the courtroom anymore.”
I sighed in relief. Andrew only seemed to know water-cooler talk, nothing more. I wasn’t sure if I was happy about that or sad. I wanted to know more about Nathan, but I wanted it to come from Nathan.
“Well, it’s getting late, we need to head in,” I said, dropping the Nathan subject.
“Sounds good. I’ll see you in the office.” He leaned down and hugged me. He placed a kiss on my forehead then walked to his car.
I opened the door to my own car and slid inside. We weren’t really running late, I was always early, but I didn’t want to argue with Andrew because I knew it would end with me giving myself away. I knew about Nathan’s anger, I bore witness to it almost daily, but I had never felt threatened by it. It was all self-destructive in nature.
I looked down at my watch: quarter after seven. My hand turned the key, starting the car and heading to meet my fate; my angry war god of sex and whatever punishment he decided to deliver upon me. My body was already heating up at the thought. It was going to be a very long, very frustrating day and I had Andrew to both blame and thank for it.
I knew I was in deep trouble as soon as I pulled into the parking lot at work. Nathan was standing there, leaning against his car.
Waiting.
&
nbsp; How odd they were, the feelings I held. They were so different from what I had known. His anger didn’t scare me, it electrified me. It stemmed from his desire for me, and I was vibrating in anticipation.
When he punished me, I could feel my whole being open up to him. He filled me with an emotion I couldn’t describe, but I knew I wanted more of it. I craved it.
The car slid into the parking spot next to his, and he started walking toward the building. I grabbed my purse and bag and headed in after him.
It wasn’t quite seven thirty; most of our coworkers didn’t start until eight or nine, so the building wasn’t that busy with people yet. There was a sprinkling of people in the lobby; many of them were headed to the coffee shop before heading up to their respective floors.
He was standing at the elevator bay when I caught up. Alone.
As I approached I could feel the mounting tension rolling off him.
“Thorne.” I stepped up to wait beside him, facing front.
“Palmer.” His voice was even, covering what was just below the surface.
In my peripheral, I could see him looking at me. His expression was impassive, but his body said something completely different.
The elevator car arrived and we stepped on.
Alone. Damn. We were alone, the space stifling, making it hard to breathe. I wanted him already. Then again, I always wanted him.
The second the doors closed he was on me, pinning me to the wall. Hidden from the camera, his lips crushed mine. Hard, controlling, punishing. The way I loved him; the war god of sex. I moaned into his mouth, and I felt his hips flex, pushing his cock into my stomach.
“What the fuck was that?” he asked, pulling away.
I blinked up at him. “What? Andrew came by to apologize for Friday night.”
Nathan growled and reached over to press the stop button and the elevator halted in place. “I can’t believe he was fucking touching you and you were letting him. You’re mine, remember?” He growled, his fingers pushing my skirt up, making their way up inside my thigh, brushing over my panties, and pressing against the thin fabric.
His other hand ripped the flimsy strip of cotton at the side seam before pushing two fingers all the way in my pussy. My body arched toward his, my hands fisting the fabric on his suit. “I’ll make sure you don’t fucking forget. Don’t ever touch another man again, do you understand me?”