by Lindy Zart
“He’s my boyfriend,” Bethany announces, giving Grayson a dirty look. She pulls me with her as she begins to move. “Come on, I’ve been dying to see your mom. You wouldn't believe how much I miss her laugh. I told Patrick he is going to love her. Patrick, Lily. Lily, Patrick. Blah, blah, blah, let’s go eat something.”
We smile and shake hands as we walk; Bethany’s arms around each of us. As she draws us farther away, I look back once. Grayson is standing where I left him, staring at the drinks in his hands. My eyes flicker to Megan. She is watching him, the corners of her mouth turned down, her arms wrapped around herself as though to keep a chill at bay, or to keep an ache from being unleashed.
THE SKY IS PAINTED IN black ink, little specks of light shining through the blanket of night in the form of stars. The cook-out has moved from the deck to the fire pit, the number of guests substantially dwindled. All that's left are Grayson, Aidan, Megan, my brother and his fiancée Cindy, and my parents and me. The fire crackles, smoke heavy in the air. Tree limbs sway as a cool breeze waves over them, the sound of rustling leaves hypnotic. I sit in a camping chair, slouching down to get more comfortable, and close my eyes from a gaze I cannot see but feel, tuning out the conversations around me and focusing on nature instead. I stole Scott’s jacket and it hangs on me, covering me down to my knees, my arms swimming in the sleeves.
I said goodbye to Bethany and Patrick hours ago. They are leaving early in the morning to fly back to Kentucky so we had to say our farewells tonight. We promised we would see each other for Christmas if not sooner. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I was in her presence again. It was good to hang out with her. Patrick is a sweetheart and I am so glad Bethany has him. I smiled and laughed a lot while talking with them, able to almost completely block out the presence of Grayson and his girlfriend. But they are gone now and so all I can do is close my eyes against them.
“We already have our wedding date set. We decided not to wait, since it’s going to be a small gathering—immediate family and close friends only. There isn’t really much to plan. It’s set for October 17th, just a little over two months from now. Lily, you need to be fitted for a dress,” Cindy says in her high voice.
Luckily my eyes are closed so she can’t see them rolling, if she happened to look my way. “I know,” I respond.
Cindy Bender is nice—sweet. Honestly I don’t know what she sees in my perfectionist brother. His orderly world is scary, but maybe she keeps it slightly less obsessive. She’s petite and blonde with large brown eyes. She and my brother have dated since they were eighteen and they are now both twenty-three. I have nothing against her and I wish her and my brother every happiness, but there is something about her that aggravates me. It might be her voice. It might be her unbendable good spirits. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m jealous because she’s happily in love and I am the one at fault for having a problem with a completely undeserving person. She oozes cheerfulness. Whatever it is, I just know I roll my eyes a lot in her presence—and grind my teeth.
“What’s the rush on the wedding date? Are you pregnant?” Her rich laughter is loud and spontaneous, showing my mother is jesting.
The silence that follows is curiously awkward. I sit up, opening my eyes. I happen to catch Grayson’s eye before dividing my gaze between my brother and his fiancée. Scott and Cindy are staring at one another, a strange look on each of their faces.
“So…what’s going on?” I ask, turning to my brother.
Scott runs a hand through his brown hair, messing it up. The fire casts his face in shadow and light, showing a troubled young man. “Nothing. We just—”
“It’s okay, Scott. They’re going to find out sooner or later,” Cindy interrupts quietly, reaching over to clasp her fiancé’s hand in hers. Her smile is wobbly, but full of love.
My brother smiles back, touching her face, and when he turns to the rest of us, I am struck by the depth of emotion on his angular face. “Yeah. You’re right. We might as well tell them now.” He sucks in a sharp breath. “Cindy’s pregnant. I'm going to be a dad. We’re having a baby.”
The immediate vicinity is filled with congratulations and laughter. I get up to hug Cindy and Scott, bumping into Grayson as he reaches to clap my brother on the back. Our eyes lock for one electrifying second before he is turning away, grinning at something Scott is saying.
I stand still, feeling the aftermath of his intensity lingering in me. This disconnection, this nothingness between us, the way I am so quickly dismissed, hurts more than I care to admit. And why are he and my brother so friendly? The last time they were around each other, Grayson punched him out cold, and Scott hasn’t exactly had nice things to say about him. Men are so stupid sometimes. I look up and meet Megan’s eyes over the flickering red and orange flames. She is watching me with no expression on her face.
I turn away, calling out a faint goodbye as I wave halfheartedly to anyone paying attention to me, but I don’t think anyone is. I hurry through the backyard and into the bright lights of the house. It’s amazing I made it as long as I did in his presence, with his ever-watchful girlfriend even. What did she see when she scrutinized the two of us?
“You going?”
I shimmy out of Scott’s coat, tossing it on a bench by the front door, and face Grayson’s brother. “Yeah. I’m tired. I’m responsible now and have to do things like work in the morning.” I offer a small smile, swiping long bangs out of his brown eyes.
Aidan grins, backpedaling. “Don’t mess with the 'do, Lily.”
“It’s sticking up everywhere. Is that on purpose?”
“Of course.” He rolls his shoulders and it’s hard to see the confused, sad boy he used to be when I look at his confident manner now. Aidan is taller than me now, not too far behind Grayson in height, his young body all lean muscle. “Chicks dig it.”
“Wow. You did not just say that.”
He shrugs; the grin fading. “Are you okay?”
I sigh, rubbing my face. “Aidan. You are almost fourteen. You are not supposed to ask questions like that or even care. And get that serious look off your face. You’re much too mature for your age. Go be childish. I demand it.”
“He doesn’t love her, you know.”
I drop my hands from my face and stare at Aidan.
He shrugs again. “He doesn’t. I know my brother. He still loves you. I can tell.”
“How can you tell something like that?”
“I don't know. I just can. I know my brother. I guess maybe from the way he's been watching you when he doesn't think you're paying attention. He's always looking at you, and more importantly, he isn't looking at Megan. I mean, I like her and all, but it's kind of always been you and Grayson.”
“Thirteen, Aidan, thirteen,” I remind him in a whisper.
His white teeth flash at me. “I heard him tell Scott he’s staying until after the wedding, taking a break from the music biz until his next concert. And Megan has to go home next Friday because of her job. She won’t be back until the wedding. So…plenty of time to reconnect.”
“What is wrong with you?” I ask, but there is no heat in my tone. I am more stunned by Aidan’s observation than anything.
He waves as he walks backward toward the deck. “Good night, Lily! I can't wait for you to get to see me again.”
Shaking my head, I leave the house and head home. The walk consists of me analyzing every glance I caught of Grayson’s, every inflection of his voice as he spoke, his body language, and how he interacted with Megan. Everything about him was restrained and nothing like it should have been. Has he really changed so much, or is it all an act? Aidan’s words replay in my head, sparking a seed of hope within me. I know I will most likely regret allowing it to sprout.
I reach the brown three-story brick building where a little piece of the structure is what I consider home, pausing under the glow of a streetlamp. The thing about small towns is that they pretty much shut down by ten at night, especially on a Sunday night. Any no
ises or events out of the ordinary are cause for caution. So when I hear the scrape of a shoe against cement, I whirl around with fisted hands to confront any possible assailant.
“You shouldn’t walk home alone at night,” Grayson says from the sidewalk, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, the blue of his shirt more pronounced from the light he's standing under.
My stomach swoops as my hands go limp at my sides. “I walk home alone at night all the time. I’ve been doing it fine for the last how many years. I just did Friday night even. You didn’t care then. You don’t need to pretend like you care now.” I take a deep breath, telling myself to cool down, but his collected manner is irritating. Where is the fire I remember, the blazing heat?
“This is your place?” he asks, ignoring my statement as he nods to the building behind me.
“Yes. Why are you here?”
He takes a step closer. “You didn’t say goodbye.”
“I did. I literally said goodbye. I even waved.”
Another step and he is now almost to me. I am standing on a step and still he is taller than me, sucking everything around him into him and making him the most important being, the center of my attention.
“You didn’t say goodbye to me.”
“I didn’t realize I was supposed to,” I say, desperately wanting to touch his face, to have his lips touch mine. I almost feel like I could stop breathing if I don’t get to.
“I haven’t seen my mom since I got back,” he blurts.
My brows lower as my heart hurts for him. I have always been his only confidant and clearly this bit of information is weighing heavily on him. Somehow I thought someone else would have taken up that position by now, maybe Megan even. Sadness washes over me that it apparently isn’t so. And what does that say about their relationship? Doesn't matter, I tell myself. It is none of your business.
“Why not?”
He shrugs, reminding me of Aidan. “I don’t know what to say to her. I’ve flown her out to visit me twice since I moved away, but…we aren’t exactly close. I know she’s trying. I mean, she’s been sober for a while now. I just—” Grayson breaks off, rubbing the back of his head. “I just have this feeling it won’t last. I guess that’s not fair of me, but it’s all I know. Anything I ever want is taken from me, eventually.” He raises dark blue eyes to mine and the implication is obvious.
I don’t say anything. Sometimes, with Grayson—and a lot of people—it’s best not to speak. He doesn’t need advice or to hear my words. He needs someone to listen.
“Aidan’s grown up, huh?” A grin takes over his lips and the strain is erased from his features.
I laugh, nodding. “Yeah. He's a character. That boy is entertaining, I'll give him that.”
“Thank you.”
I tilt my head, not understanding.
“You've been a good friend to him. So thank you. He comes and stays with me whenever he can, but it’s not the same as being around him every day, making sure he’s okay and staying out of trouble, making sure he knows he doesn’t have to be so serious all the time.”
“Well, he’ll always be an old man on the inside, but he’s loosened up a lot. He has fun. He has girlfriends,” I say, leaning close as though sharing a secret.
Grayson’s lips turn up and my eyes go to them. I have never forgotten the soft smoothness of them, the way they used to fit to mine, how the gentle tug of them against my lips made my stomach flip-flop and my body melt. I have missed those lips, and all the other parts of Grayson unwelcome to me in his absence. As I watch, his eyes darken, the teasing grin replaced with solemnity.
“Lily,” he says softly, his tone reverent.
Dangerous—this is dangerous. I pull back abruptly to put more distance between us, unable to let the magic of this moment overtake the reality. “Where’s your girlfriend?”
His features go carefully blank and I wonder if that is the face he generally shows the world these days. “At our hotel.”
“Right.”
His girlfriend is in the hotel room they will be sharing together. The hotel room they will kiss in, and hold each other in, and do other things in I can’t think of.
I make my way up the steps, still facing Grayson, watching him turn to stone. “Where you should be. So why aren’t you?” He says nothing. I didn’t expect him to. “Goodnight, Grayson.”
I CHANGED THE RING TONE on my cell phone—it seems dumb now to hear Grayson’s voice every time I get a call or text now that he is in town. What was the purpose of that anyway? The generic ringing of bells alerts me I have a text. I set the apple I am eating on my lap, a warm breeze playing with my hair as I grab my phone from my hot pink scrub pants pocket.
I like to spend my lunch hours at the park when the weather permits it. I should really stop doing things that remind me of Grayson. He’s moved on. I need to. The merry-go-round slowly sways to the left, sunlight warming my dark hair as I lower my head to squint at the message.
The text is from Ben and reads: Hook me up with your crazy co-worker.
I stare at it, my eyes narrowing. He is such a moron. I text him that.
His response: So?
I sigh, hitting his number. Ben and Mia care for each other and are afraid of that. So they keep hurting each other and themselves because they don’t want to care more than the other one. It’s stupid and pointless—like a lot of the things I do. At least I realize what I’m doing, I guess.
“What?” he says in greeting.
“I am not hooking you up with anyone. If you want to mess things up, do it yourself.”
“Mess things up? I’m just having fun while I’m home, Lily. There’s nothing with anyone to mess up.”
“Don’t be dumb. You care about Mia.”
“I do not care about Mia and don’t call me dumb. Anyway, last weekend didn’t mean anything to her. It was just a screw—or multiple screws, I should say. You heard her. So whether I care about her or not is irrelevant because she doesn’t care about me.”
I mutter beneath my breath.
“Don’t call me stupid either! Stupid and dumb mean the same thing. Even stupid and dumb morons like me know that!”
I try not to snort at his argument, or at how agitated he sounds for someone who has no feelings for my friend. I redirect the conversation to something that has been bothering me. The answer could be as simple as Ben and Mia being in contact and Mia giving him my number, but I don’t know why she would, or why he would ask for it.
“I want to know how you got my number.”
The pause that follows is profound. “I don’t have to play your games, Lily!” he finally shouts, the phone clicking off.
I shake my head, knowing my suspicions are true. But what does it matter? So Grayson somehow had my cell phone number and for whatever reason gave it to Ben. Big deal. Raising the Golden Delicious apple to my eyes, I stare at it in bemusement, no longer hungry. I toss it in a wastebasket on my way out of the park.
“Are you stalking me?”
I whirl around, my mouth going dry at the sight of Grayson. He’s wearing black gym shorts, gray flip-flops, and a bright yellow shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Sunglasses hide his eyes from me and I am disappointed to find his shaggy locks have been shorn. His hair looks darker, more brown than blond, and the shortness of it makes his facial features more pronounced.
“What are you doing here?”
He shrugs. “Went for a walk, ended up here, like usual. Apparently I really like parks.”
My eyes immediately caress the length of his body, which in turn makes me think of Megan, who most likely got to touch his body any way she wanted to last night, and who had him sleeping next to her. I always knew he would find another woman, or multiple women, but it never seemed real. It never sunk in, not like now, when I am seeing it all with my own eyes, when I have to be witness to my ex-boyfriend’s new life.
“On your lunch break?” he asks, nodding at my outfit.
“Did you give Ben my c
ell phone number?”
He pauses, tilting his head to the side.
“I only ask because he has it and I don’t know how he got it. I’m assuming he got it from you, but I don’t know how you got it either or why you had it and I’ve had that number for a while, but I didn’t get it until after you left and…” I talk in a rush, and then trail off as words elude me.
“Do you want me to lie or tell the truth?”
“Of course I want you to tell the truth,” I whisper roughly, hugging myself against a chill that has nothing to do with the temperature outside. It is warm, almost muggy out, and I am shivering.
He removes his sunglasses and I freeze when those compelling orbs lock on me. “Are you sure you want to know the truth?”
I open my mouth, on the verge of saying yes, when I hesitate. Why would he ask me that? “Are you referring to whether or not you gave my number to Ben, and if so, how you got my number, or…or something else?” I finish lamely.
Grayson gives me a lopsided smile. “I’m referring to the cell phone number. What else would I be talking about?”
I clench my hands into fists. His composed, unshakable guise is getting to me. “I don’t know. Did you give it to Ben?”
“Yes.”
“And how did you get it?”
He hesitates, just for a second, but I see it. “Your mom gave it to me…a while ago.”
My eyes narrow. I am no longer cold. I am burning up now. “When did you talk to or see my mom?”
“Like I said, a while ago.” His implacable exterior is back in place, complete with sunglasses to shield his eyes from my inspection.
“And why did you give it to Ben?”
“He wanted to get Mia’s number from you or something. I don’t remember.” He rubs the back of his neck, his lips turned down in agitation. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s not a big deal.” He begins to walk away, but my words halt him. They are blunt, clear, and coolly spoken. And in this moment, I mean them.
“I don’t like you.”
Grayson slowly turns to face me, a bemused look on his face. “What did you say?”