by Nora Phoenix
“Deeper.” Josh focused on his breathing to relax, his inner sleeve achingly stretching even wider to accommodate Connor’s girth and length. He rotated his hips again, moaned as the swollen member inside of him hit his sweet spot. Paradise was around the corner, so close he could almost taste it.
“Thrust a little.”
The friction this caused triggered a deep ache in his balls, which were getting ready to unload. Not yet, dammit, not yet. He wanted more.
“Bring it home,” he grunted, his forehead slick with perspiration. Connor pushed farther in until he filled Josh completely.
“I’m in.” The joy in Connor’s voice hit Josh deep inside. “Are you okay?”
How Josh loved hearing these familiar words out of someone else’s mouth. “I’m good, and I’m about to be great. Now, rotate your hips a little, like you’re literally screwing me. Ohhh!” He lost his breath on a deep moan when Connor did what he asked.
Connor started sliding in and out with steady, graceful moves. Leaning on his arms, he was only moving his hips in a masculine, sexy way. Josh grabbed Connor’s ass as the painful stretching morphed into a delicious burn and the most intense full feeling ever. Pain and pleasure were completely entwined, thundering through his ass. Every time Connor slid in deep, Josh's breath caught. Little specks danced in front of his eyes, his vision hazy with want. He let go of Connor’s ass cheeks, reached up to drag his mouth down for a hard kiss.
“Hard and deep?” Connor asked, his jaw tight with tension.
“Gimme all you got.”
Connor started slow with rhythmic, deep thrusts, but he soon picked up the pace. Josh pulled up his legs as far as he could, opening his ass wide and fisting the sheets with both hands. “Fuck!” he cried out when Connor pulled back almost entirely, then slammed in balls deep. “Oh, God, yes!”
“You feel so good,” Connor grunted, impaling him again.
This time, his cock hit Josh's pleasure spot, and he jerked. “Oh, my fucking—Ohh!”
Waves of ecstatic pleasure crashed into Josh as Connor cut loose and drove into his ass again and again. Their bodies collided with force, and Josh pushed back. Fuck, he wanted more. Harder. Rougher.
Connor threw his head back, grunting and growling, lips peeled. His arms quivered with the effort of holding up his weight. Every time Connor’s cock drilled into Josh, it hit his sweet spot, and he was almost crying with pleasure. His balls pulled up tight, on the verge of detonating. He fought it, not wanting to lose this incredible feeling.
Connor grabbed his hips, pounding him with an urgency that alerted Josh he was about to blow his load as well. He couldn’t keep it anymore. When Connor hit him once more so hard his balls thwacked against Josh's ass, his body spasmed, and he screamed as he unloaded all over Connor’s chest. He wasn’t even done spurting when Connor let out a strangled cry and rammed his cock in one last time.
“Ugh! Oh…. Fuck!”
Connor’s cock pulsed, filling the condom with liquid. Connor stayed deep inside, grinding against Josh’s ass, gyrating until he had squeezed every drop of cum out of his balls and dick. His entire body trembled with the exertion, and Josh was convinced he’d dead-drop his weight on top of him. Instead, he rolled over, taking Josh with him to place him on top.
Josh let his head rest on the man’s massive shoulder, his arms around Connor’s neck and biceps. Both their bodies were moist with sweat. He was too done to even lift a finger. God, this was everything he’d dreamed of and then some.
“Fuck, baby, that was unbelievable,” Connor mumbled.
Even in his haze of ecstasy, Josh registered the unfamiliar term of endearment. Nobody had ever called him that and meant it.
“Hold on a sec,” Connor said. He rolled Josh off him to take off the condom. He tried to tie it, but his trembling fingers failed.
“Throw it in the wastebasket,” Josh said. “I’ll empty it later.”
Connor crawled back in bed as soon as he’d dumped the condom.
“Come here,” he said, pulling Josh back on top of him. Connor’s heartbeat slowed down under Josh's cheek as he kissed Josh's head tenderly, wrapping his arms around him and softly stroking his back. Josh turned his chin so their mouths could find each other again, lazy and wet. Their slick, soft cocks brushed up against each other, almost hugging and kissing too. For minutes they lay content, kissing and caressing.
“I love your cock,” Josh said dreamily, finally tearing his mouth away and dropping his head on the man’s shoulder again. It felt like such a safe spot, especially with these strong, tight arms around him.
Connor chuckled. “I love your ass, baby. I cannot believe you could take me. And your mouth too, by the way. You have to teach me how to give a blow job like that so I can do it to you.”
“You’d want that?”
“Hell, yes. I wanna do anything you like.”
Josh let that sink in for a moment. This was what it felt like to be with someone who was truly attracted to him. It was nothing short of a fucking miracle.
“A threesome with Noah?” he suggested.
Connor about choked on his breath.
4
If people had told Indy four months ago he’d be happy, he would have laughed them straight out of the room. Happy wasn’t in the cards for him. Not now, not ever. Yet every time he so much as looked at Noah, his heart was doing a fucking Irish reel.
It was the longest he’d been in one place since he started running from the Fitzpatricks. He’d relaxed, a bit, but he was still on high alert every time he stepped outside. Duncan was looking for him, and one mistake could cost him everything. Now more than ever.
He should’ve left, of course. He told himself that every single day, wearing himself out with this constant internal debate and battle. He should leave them so they’d be safe, but how could he when the mere thought took his breath away?
He’d told them everything, Noah and Josh. Little by little, he’d shared what he’d seen and done, what had been done to him. It helped. He’d never imagined how healing it was to be able to talk. Josh had turned out to be an even better listener than Noah, maybe because unlike Noah, Josh's own anger and temper didn’t get in the way. Sometimes Noah’s emotions were so volatile that Indy stopped talking because he felt guilty for making him angry or sad. When Noah had a night shift, he and Josh would talk for hours.
Not about Josh, though—at least, not about the specifics of what had happened to him. Indy guessed, but Josh had told him he wasn’t ready to talk yet. Indy understood. How could he not? It had taken him a long time, too. Plus, Josh was an introvert by nature, unlike Indy, so that didn’t make it easy for him to verbalize his emotions in the first place.
He’d worried about Josh the last week. Something was going on, and Josh wasn’t talking. That crazy cleaning binge he’d been on today, that was not normal. Something had triggered it, but Indy had no idea what. Josh was more on his phone, exchanging messages with fuck knew who. Had Josh somehow met someone? It seemed almost impossible considering he hardly ever left the house, except for therapy and grocery shopping.
“I still think you rigged that coin toss,” Noah complained from the driver’s seat, dragging Indy out of his thoughts. They were on their way to the movie theater after a relaxed dinner in a pizzeria. Noah was driving since Indy was too scared of causing an accident or being pulled over. He still dressed like a woman most of the times he went outside, with the exception of jiujitsu practice and running, the fear of being recognized too big.
Indy shot him a look. “Get over it. You lost fair and square, so I get to choose the movie.”
Noah let out a dramatic sigh. “Why would you want to see some sappy romantic movie when there’s an X-men movie playing? I mean, who does that?”
Indy laughed, reached out to put his hand on Noah’s thigh. “Tell me, which movie will bring me in the right mood for some fun afterward…the X-men movie that will scare the shit out of me, or a romantic movie that according to
the reviews has some really steamy love scenes? There’s a reason the thing is rated R, you know?”
Noah’s face lit up. “I hadn’t thought of it that way. You’re saying I will be rewarded for going to that movie with you?”
Indy snorted. “Now he’s interested. Damn, you’re so predictable. Besides, who says the reward will be for you? Maybe I’ll let you satisfy me for a change.”
Noah didn’t respond with the expected quip, so Indy cocked his head to watch him. Noah’s face was serious. Uh oh. Had he said something wrong? He thought back to his words, the joke of Noah pleasuring him. Was that how Noah felt already, like Indy was taking more than he was giving?
It was true to a certain extent. Indy still couldn’t provide what Noah needed at times, which was where Josh came in. But when he could, he did try to please Noah. He’d never deprived him of a release when he was able to offer one. Every time he saw Noah was in pain, he’d been there for him. Was Noah not satisfied? Indy bit his lip.
Noah’s hand covered his, still on Noah’s thigh. “Stop worrying, baby. I’m not mad at you.” His voice was soft, kind.
Indy released his lower lip. “You look a little put out,” he observed.
“This may not be the best time to talk about it,” Noah said. The fact that there was something to talk about caused Indy’s stomach to swirl uncomfortably. You fucked up, somehow. He’d rather know now, otherwise it wouldn’t let him go.
“Just spit it out,” he said. His voice was filled with the angst wrecking his body as well.
Noah shot him a quick look sideways, before refocusing his attention on the road. “Yesterday evening, when you gave me a blow job, did you want to?”
Indy frowned. What kind of question was that? “What do you mean? You came back exhausted from your shift, clearly in pain.”
Noah sighed. “Remember when we had sex for the first time? You told me you wanted me to be able to take pleasure, to not always make it about you. You wanted me to let go of the guilt, remember?”
Indy nodded, his teeth once again in his lower lip. Where was Noah going with this?
“You were right, and I’ve tried to change my attitude. But the other way around is true as well. Indy, you can’t always make it about me. The fact that I’m tired or in pain doesn’t mean you should have sex with me or even help me find release.”
“I don’t understand,” Indy said, panic storming through his veins. What is he saying? Doesn’t he like the sex with me? Am I doing something wrong? Oh, God, does he prefer Josh? For the first time ever, a red-hot jealousy raged in his system.
He yanked his hand from under Noah’s, crossed his arms. “So it’s okay when Josh does it, but not for me? Do you like the sex with him more?” The words flew out of his mouth, his filter obliterated in the pain and jealousy.
Noah gasped. “No! Baby, no. You’re misunderstanding me.”
Tears burned hot behind his eyes, but Indy refused to let them out. He stubbornly looked out the window, his fists clenched and his body tight with stress. If Noah was ending this, he’d damn well restrain himself from crying. He hadn’t cried when Eric had raped him, so he’d not cry over this. He’d survive, somehow.
Noah suddenly took an exit, whipped the car onto the now empty parking lot of the middle school. He yanked the shift in P.
Indy’s body went on high alert. He stared at the door handle. Should he get out of the car? Noah was clearly pissed off, so anything could happen. If he so much as touched him, he would—Noah’s hand found his shoulder, and Indy reacted on instinct. His hands came up, dragged Noah’s hand off his shoulder and bent it backwards until Noah yelped in pain. Whatever, he deserved it if he thought he could hurt Indy like this. He’d go down fighting.
“Indy, I love you. I love you, baby. I’m not angry with you. I won’t hurt you. You’re in fight mode, babe, but there’s no need. I love you, so much.”
Noah’s words washed over him, creeping into his defensive armor. Noah kept repeating them, his voice soft and warm, battering against Indy’s defenses until it registered.
Noah loves you. He isn’t angry. He isn’t hurting you.
He let go of Noah’s hand, raised his hands in surrender. A sigh filled with pain echoed through the car as Noah rubbed his hand. Oh, God, what have I done?
The adrenaline seeped out of Indy, leaving him tired, so tired. He closed his eyes, hung his head as his hands fell limp to his legs. He’d fucked up big time, hadn’t he?
“Baby,” Noah said.
The tears he’d been able to hold back earlier were now pushing their way through Indy’s closed eyelids. He couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to witness what he’d caused.
“It’s okay. I’m okay. I understand.”
How could he when Indy himself didn’t know what had come over him? Hot shame burned inside.
“Please, don’t cry. I can’t stand it when I make you cry. I love you. Please, Indy.”
Noah’s pleadings didn’t make sense to Indy, but they rattled him enough to make him open his eyes and look at his boyfriend. Noah’s face didn’t display any of the anger and reproach Indy had expected to see. Instead, he sported a pained expression, but his eyes radiated with love.
“I’m sorry,” Indy whispered. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“It was my fault. I shouldn’t have started this in the car, and I damn well should’ve worded it differently. You thought I was telling you I didn’t like the sex with you, correct?”
Indy nodded, bit his lip. “Do you?”
“Yes. Fuck, yes. So much. That’s not at all what I was trying to say, and I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t understand. Why is it okay if Josh helps you find release, but not me?”
“It’s not okay with Josh either, and I realize that more and more. I’ve established this pattern where I make others do something to make me feel better—and it’s not right. What I was trying to say, was that I felt yesterday evening you weren’t in the mood for a blow job. You were tired, and I was late from work again, and you wanted to sleep. But you felt obligated to help me, and it wasn’t right. You shouldn’t feel like you have to have sex when you don’t want to, especially not you. It makes me feel like such a selfish bastard, and I don’t want to anymore. With Josh, the guilt was always there, but with you it’s unbearable. I can’t do this to you, to us.”
Every word Noah said hit home. “I hadn’t even realized I didn’t feel like it yesterday until you pointed it out,” Indy said slowly.
“I know, baby. And I’m even more sorry if that makes you feel crappy. You’ve been programmed to attend to the needs of others before your own, out of survival instinct, and it’s a hard habit to break. I don’t want that for us. I don’t want you to ignore how you feel to please me.”
Indy smiled, a sad smile. “You would’ve been an awesome shrink,” he said.
“I’d rather be an awesome boyfriend. Promise me, baby. Promise me you’ll say no when you don’t want to do something.”
“I can promise I’ll try. But like you said, it’s so ingrained that it’s gonna be hard to break that habit.” He hesitated.
“What is it?” Noah asked. The guy really could read him like a book.
“H-how will you cope?” He wasn’t articulate, but he hoped Noah would understand him anyways.
“I don’t know, but I’ll have to find a way. I can’t be using Josh like this anymore either. He deserves more.”
Indy nodded. “He does. I would love for him to find someone, you know?”
His heart clenched painfully. God, he really wanted to see Josh happy, but at the same time, he couldn’t bear the idea of losing him. If Josh would move out, it would… No, he refused to think about it.
Noah sighed, rubbed his hand again. Red spots were still visible where Indy’s fingers had dug in. “I’d hoped Connor would make a move, but I guess he chickened out.”
He’d told Indy about their conversation in the hospital, about telling Connor Josh was a
vailable. Maybe the cop had decided coming out of the closet was too big a price to pay. Indy felt bad for Josh, but he honestly couldn’t deny he’d felt relieved. Josh cozying up with a cop from Boston was about the last thing Indy needed.
“You okay now?” Noah asked.
Indy grimaced. He’d completely overreacted. “Yeah.”
“Can I touch you?”
He nodded. Noah pushed his car seat back all the way, then held out his hands to Indy. Fuck, yes. He needed this, needed him. He climbed over the middle console, carefully lowered himself on Noah’s lap, his back toward the driver’s window. Noah’s arms circled him, and he put his cheek on Noah’s shoulder, let out a breath that released tension from his chest and shoulders.
“I love you,” he said.
Noah kissed his forehead. “I love you, too, baby. I’m so sorry for triggering your fight mode. At the same time, I’m proud of you for fighting me, for being assertive. It eases my mind to know that you’ll fend me off if necessary.”
The very thing that had gotten him into so much trouble was what Noah praised in him. His stubbornness, his feistiness, Noah wanted him that way. Indy relaxed even more, crawled deeper into Noah’s arms. The sensation of those two strong arms holding him never failed to calm him, center him.
A sudden knock on the window made them both jump. Noah cursed. “Stay calm,” he whispered in Indy’s ear.
Noah lowered the driver’s window. Indy stayed where he was, sensing Noah didn’t want him to move. “Officer,” Noah said.
Indy tensed. Fuck. A cop.
“This is not an appropriate place to make out,” a stern voice said.
“We weren’t making out, Officer. We were on our way to the movies when my girlfriend had a panic attack. I pulled into the parking lot here to help her calm down. Physical contact helps, but as you can see we are both completely dressed. I promise you, nothing untoward happening here.”
Noah’s voice was calm, steady. Indy never moved an inch, but his mind was racing. If the cop asked him to get out, what should he do? He’d be okay unless he somehow suspected him to be lying about his identity. But there was no reason, was there? Noah had identified him as a woman, so why would the cop think otherwise?