by Nora Phoenix
“Connor?” Josh leaned back to meet his eyes. “Why don’t I catch my breath while you run upstairs.”
Connor frowned. “To do what?”
Josh ground his ass on Connor’s cock. “Take a guess.”
“I don’t expect you to… Are you sure? Isn’t it still…” Connor stammered.
“The offer expires in 30 seconds, so make it snappy,” Josh simply said and slid off Connor’s lap. Connor wasted five seconds by staring at Josh in disbelief. He couldn’t seriously be ready to…? Was he? Damn, he was. Josh wanted to be fucked again; the sheer lust on his face was obvious.
Connor shot to his feet, took a sprint through the kitchen, up the stairs, Josh's laughter following him. The lube was still on the bed, and he grabbed it, yanked a condom from his wallet as well, raced back down. Josh was waiting for him, his arms leaning on the counter, his underwear and pants on the floor, his legs spread wide. The invitation could not be clearer.
Connor dropped his pants and boxers in a second. He rolled the condom on with a little less fumbling than last time, though still not as quick and practiced as he’d liked. He flipped the top of the lube off with his thumb and took a healthy dose, rubbing it over his sheathed cock. He threw the lube on the counter, a last bit of glob left on his right fingers.
He inserted a lubed finger into Josh's hole. It was still so stretched, that he easily added a second, then a third. He spread the lube around, circling and probing.
“Fuck me already,” Josh snapped, pushing Connor’s hands away. “I want your cock to fill me again.”
Connor guided himself in with his right hand, circled his left hand around Josh's chest, pulling him close. “I want to feel you, hold you tight. That okay with you?”
Josh grunted.
“It’s not too tight with my arm like this?” Connor checked again.
“Shut the fuck up and work that cock,” Josh said, his voice low.
Sweeter words had never reached Connor’s ears, and he eased in. Josh tensed up at first but quickly relaxed, and Connor’s cock slid in without resistance. He did an experimental thrust, circled his cock to make sure Josh was ready. Josh's ass was completely relaxed, engulfing him in that tight way that transformed Connor into an animal with the desperation to breed.
“Brace yourself,” he groaned.
“Finally.” Josh pushed his ass back.
Connor forgot all about wanting to take it easy and slammed deep into him, holding Josh's body tight to protect him from the impact. Damn, standing behind him like that he had the perfect angle to hit that sweet spot, too. His next thrust proved it as Josh moaned and jerked. He bowed over Josh, holding him down with some of his weight, scraping Josh's neck with his teeth as he rammed his cock into him, again and again and again.
“Fuck, your ass is heaven.” Connor wasn’t even sure if he thought it or had said it out loud. The roar in his ears prevented him from hearing anything else but his heartbeat in his head and the hum of ecstasy in his veins. He plunged in again, hard, pleasure surging from his toes to the very core of his balls.
“Damn you, motherfucker, I will fucking kill you!” Connor was yanked back by two strong arms, spun around. He tripped over the pants at his ankles, still struggling to find balance when a fist hit him square in the mouth, and he went down hard. A large weight dropped on top of him, and he took another hit to the jaw that knocked him out cold.
5
One second Josh was writhing in pleasure, Connor’s fat cock filling him to the max, the next Connor’s dick was brutally yanked out of him, and he almost fell with the force of it.
Noah was yelling, furious.
What the fuck?
“Noah, no!” Indy screamed.
Disoriented, Josh stumbled. His entire body froze. Connor was on the ground, bare-assed, Noah beating the shit out of him.
Why? Oh, God, what is happening?
His eyes saw, but his mind would not follow. He pressed his palms against his temples, panic rolling through his belly, his lungs.
“Dammit, Noah, he’s out! Stop!”
Why is Indy shouting?
Josh's mind seemed to detach from his body, and he watched hopelessly as Indy dropped himself on Noah, wrapping his legs around Noah’s head and putting him in a tight headlock to pull him off of Connor.
Stop!
Stop!
Bitter bile rose up in his throat.
Nauseous.
Hot.
Where was he?
Rancid sweat filled his nose, mixed with dust. So much dust and sand.
He couldn’t breathe, not with the strong hand clamped over his mouth. Mean fingers dug into his arms and legs, nails drawing blood, holding him so tight his circulation was cut off. A breeze of hot air touched his bare ass as his legs were forced apart.
“You sick little cock lover.” The voice was spitting with hate.
He whimpered. Stop! Please stop. A massive hand forced down his neck, bending him over.
“Hold him tight, boys. I’ll show this little faggot what happens when he eyes me in the shower. Fucking queer.”
Three pairs of combat boots on the dusty floor. Three pairs. He stopped struggling. He didn’t stand a chance.
“See? He wants it. The sick faggot wants to be fucked. We’ll show him, boys, won’t we? By the time we’re done you won’t ever look at another cock again.”
He’d been beaten up so many times in high school before Noah had come to save him. It was how he had learned to retreat in his mind, to block out anything happening to him.
Noah, he would focus on Noah. Noah would save him. He always did.
He wouldn’t cry.
He wouldn’t scream.
He wouldn’t beg.
He thought of Noah as the pain tore him in two, ripped him apart.
It hurts, oh, God it hurts, it hurts too much…
And then he stopped thinking at all and let himself fall into the darkness, finally letting out the screams of pain.
“Josh…Josh, come back to us. You’re safe, Josh, no one is hurting you.”
The voice pierced through the darkness, the fog in his head. His mind burned, stabbed. His throat hurt from screaming.
“Josh, you’re home. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
Home? Then why couldn’t he breathe? His heart was drumming in his ears, his whole body so tense it hurt. Cold floor under his naked body.
“Breathe in deeply, Josh, recognize the smell? You’re on the kitchen floor. You’re home.”
A wheezing breath entered his lungs. Finally, oxygen. The smell of citrus, vanilla. Not sand, desert.
“Noah?” His voice was broken, scratched.
“I’m right here, Josh.”
Noah. He would recognize that voice anywhere.
“Noah!” A sob escaped, and he extended his arms with effort, not yet able to open his eyes.
Strong arms lifted him, Noah’s familiar scent enveloping him. He was home. Noah was here. He leaned against Noah’s chest, inhaling deeply as Noah’s safe arms held him, tucked him close on Noah’s lap. He didn’t care he was naked anymore—though he did seem to be wearing a shirt—because he was safe.
What had happened? Did he have a flashback while they were fucking? Noah held him tight, rocking him gently, caressing his head and cheek and hair.
“I’m so sorry, Josh,” Noah whispered. “So fucking sorry. This was my fault.”
Josh swallowed thickly, his throat burning like a motherfucker. “What happened?” he managed.
“Can you get him some water?” Noah asked.
Footsteps. A cabinet opening. The sound of a glass being filled with water. Josh didn’t open his eyes till he felt a glass being pressed into his hands. He took it, drank deeply, pressing away from Noah’s chest. He slowly became aware of his surroundings.
He was on Noah’s lap. They were on the kitchen floor, Noah leaning back against the dishwasher. Indy was standing close to them, his face taut with worry. And in the corner of
the kitchen, dripping blood from his mouth and holding an ice pack against his jaw, sat Connor, half-slumped against the wall, wearing only boxers. A condom was on the floor next to him.
Josh was shocked back into reality.
He scrambled up from Noah’s lap, stumbled to his feet, still dizzy from the experience. “You attacked him!”
Josh found his underwear and pants, put them back on with angry, uncoordinated moves. Indy sprang up, extended a hand to Noah to pull him to his feet as well.
“Damn you, Noah! You can’t do that!” Josh yelled. He shoved Noah back with two hands, didn’t give a fuck Noah was off-balance without his crutches. “You didn’t want me, okay? You chose Indy, and I was happy for you. But you can’t turn into a fucking jealous asshole when I find someone as well. I like him!” He shoved Noah again, pushing him with his back against the counter.
“It wasn’t like that!”
“Then why the fuck did you hit him? He’s fucking bleeding! You knocked him out cold, asshole!”
“I didn’t recognize him from behind, thought he was some guy raping you!”
Josh stilled. “What?”
Noah dragged his hands through his hair. “We walked in, and he had you bent over on the counter, holding you down with his weight, his dick in your ass. He had his pants around his ankles. I didn’t see it was Connor. I thought… I thought it was happening all over again, dammit!”
Josh stared at Noah, at a loss for words. Noah buried his face in his hands. “I wasn’t there to save you, and I’ll never forgive myself for that, but I thought it was happening again. I only wanted to protect you.”
Was he crying? Josh's suspicions were confirmed when Noah’s body started shaking. “I’m sorry, Josh… I’m so fucking sorry.”
They weren’t talking about Connor anymore, he understood. How had he missed Noah’s guilt all this time? “It wasn’t your fault,” Josh said softly.
Noah dropped his hands with fury, his face tear-stricken. “Yes, it was. You were there because of me in the first place. The army was no place for you, and we both knew it. I was supposed to keep you safe, and I failed. I should’ve known, should’ve been there.”
Noah’s anger. His guilt. His fierce protectiveness of Josh. Things clicked in Josh's head. Oh, God.
“Is that why you fucked me? Because you felt sorry, wanted to make up for what you thought you’d done wrong?”
If Noah said yes, his heart would break into a million pieces. He could take Noah not loving him. He understood why they wouldn’t work. But Noah using him to assuage his own guilt, that was a blow he would not recover from.
“No! Fuck, no, why would you think that?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You never told me this, and we were supposed to be brutally honest with each other. You never said how guilty you felt for what happened to me. And for the record: it wasn’t your fault, and I never blamed you. For fuck’s sake, you went to your dad to make sure those three were court-martialed and thrown in jail. You made sure justice was served, and that they got what they deserved.”
Noah clenched his fists, the veins in his neck bulging. His eyes showed a cold fury Josh had never seen there before. “They didn’t get what they deserved. Every single day I regret going the official route. I should’ve done what I wanted in the first place, which was to lure them out one by one and beat the shit out of them. I should’ve fucking killed them for what they did to you.”
Josh couldn’t wrap his head around it. How could Noah feel so protective of him he’d be willing to kill for him? Where was this guilt coming from?
“Then why did you ask me to help you find release, that night at the hospital?”
“Because I wanted to. Because I had missed you the weeks before, had been worried sick about you, wanted to make sure you were okay. Dammit, because I wanted you… I had these weird dreams about you sucking me, about you riding my cock that felt so real and God, they were good.”
Josh looked down, couldn’t meet Noah’s eyes.
Noah gasped. “They weren’t dreams, were they? They were memories…”
“Yes,” Josh admitted, his chest clenching tight. “It was one night, on my birthday, after you’d lost your mom. We were both drunk. I thought you didn’t remember since you never brought it up. I was scared you’d be repulsed if I told you.”
He still didn’t look up, certain that he’d lost Noah’s friendship forever. Instead, he felt two strong arms embrace him. Noah hugged him for what seemed like a minute without saying anything, then pulled back and kissed Josh on his mouth. “Josh, I don’t know anymore how to make you understand this… That repulsion you’re always so scared of, it exists in your head alone. Ever since the day we became friends, I have never, ever been ashamed of you, repulsed by you, or embarrassed by you. I love you for who you are, and I would die to keep you safe.”
He kissed him again with a gentle tenderness. Josh's throat got tight all over again.
“I asked you to help me because I wanted you and because I knew you wanted me too,” Noah said. “Yes, I wanted to replace your memories with something good. I wanted you to experience sex with someone who loved you so that one day you’d be able to find the love of your life. You are so hung up on labels, so desperate to define what you are, what I am, who and what we are to each other that you missed the bigger picture. I wouldn’t have survived this last year without you and your love. You helped me feel secure in my masculinity, even with my missing leg. You helped me discover parts of myself I never even knew existed. And dammit, Joshua, every single time we fucked, I have made love to you the best I knew how. I’m fucking jealous of you for remembering our first time, since I don’t. I have never, ever used you without loving you right back, even if it wasn’t the love you had pictured. I love, love, love having sex with you—and I’d be seriously tempted right now to ask Indy for permission to fuck you senseless to prove it to you if I wasn’t damn sure Connor would have an issue with that. You should see how he looks at you, as if you are the most beautiful, gorgeous, precious thing he’s ever encountered. What you’ve been looking for, it’s right there, Josh, but not with me. And I would apologize for that if I wasn’t so sure that we wouldn’t be good together in the long run. Not as partners, not like that. But I love you so fucking much.”
It was the longest speech Josh had ever heard Noah make and every word hit him like a jackhammer. Noah’s eyes never left Josh's as he spoke directly to his heart.
Josh breathed in, out. In. Out.
It’s time.
He stepped back from Noah’s arms, but stayed close, his eyes never leaving those green, loving eyes.
“They attacked me when I came back from patrol. The other guys, they knew who you were, and they were too scared of your dad to mess with me much. Plus, I’d gained their respect as a sniper, since I was damn good. But this unit was new, and they didn’t know you.”
In. Out.
“I’d encountered them in the shower, days before. I was surprised because I didn’t know them. I swear, I wasn’t ogling them. Shit, I knew better than to draw that kind of attention to myself. Still, they took offense, called me a faggot, a fucking queer. I thought I’d apologize, make a joke of it. I thought that was the end of it.”
He rubbed his neck, sighed. “They caught me with Dean two days later. Stupid bad luck. You knew Dean and I would mess around every now and then. I was sucking him off, and they walked in on us. Dean didn’t know what to say, accused me of coming on to him. He didn’t mean to throw me under the bus, didn’t know what they would do. When I came back from patrol a couple of days later, they grabbed me, pulled me into an empty container. I stopped fighting when I realized there were three of them, knew it was useless.”
He choked up, fought for control. Did he have the strength to finish it? Could he finally share for the first time what he’d been through? Not like this, not standing in the kitchen. He needed to feel safe, safer. He wanted strong arms around him when he broke.
Connor’s.
His legs were too sluggish to carry him, and Connor was still on the floor, though he had put on his pants in the meantime. Josh dropped to his knees, crawled over to Connor, tears streaming down his face. Connor opened his arms wide, pulling Josh between his legs, folding those big arms around him. Josh leaned back against the broad chest behind him, letting his head rest against Connor’s shoulder.
He breathed in. Out. It needed to be said.
“They called me names. Faggot, queer, cock lover…and they raped me. The pain was…it was so bad, and I passed out.”
A sob tore through him.
“They just left me there…like a used condom on the floor.”
Connor kissed his head, tightened his grip on Josh. He pulled strength from that.
“They were probably scared after I’d passed out. I don’t think they meant for that to happen; they just wanted to punish me. I woke up later, still bleeding. I didn’t want to go to the CSH, knowing you’d be there, Noah… I knew you’d go after them, get yourself in trouble. So I went back to the barracks, took a shower. But the pain was so bad, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding. I was scared of internal bleeding, terrified they’d torn me up completely inside, and that I’d bleed to death.”
Noah limped over to where Josh and Connor were sitting, lowered himself to the floor as well, Indy following suit. Josh realized the boy hadn’t said a word, but he’d watched them. Indy’s sweet, brown eyes shone with tears. Seeing his own anguish reflected on Indy’s face comforted Josh. Indy understood. Their eyes met, and Indy smiled through his tears.
Indy nestled against Noah, giving him the support he needed. Noah took a deep breath. “You passed out again before you made it inside the CSH. Some guy carried you in,” he said, his voice raw. “Your pants were soaked in blood, and I thought I’d lost you. Fuck, Josh, you were so pale and so weak, and I thought you’d die right there. I didn’t understand what had happened, thought you’d somehow been shot. When we saw… It took three guys to hold me back, did you know that? Three guys pinned me to the floor because I was ready to find whoever did that to you and fucking kill him. They didn’t let me go until I had a grip on myself. Until I had promised I would only hold your hand and nothing else. I claimed you, Josh, right then and there. There wasn’t a single man in that hospital who doubted you were mine.”