by Judy Allen
These PamperedPartyPrincesses were a very different breed than old money and even rough-around-the-edges nouvelle rich like DiamondDiva. Their spoiled and often shocking behavior left them looking much more like PettyPartyPrincesses—who had never left junior high school mentality behind or attended top charm/finishing schools like so many of them claimed to have done—than the envied and elitist PamperedPartyPrincesses they envisioned themselves to be and how they thought the world perceived them.
It was an eye-opening and at times jaw-dropping experience and no one ever fessed up to giving the leader of this pack of PettyPartyPrincesses our telephone number. It was one hell of a ride while it lasted—trying to stay one step ahead of and out of the battling turf wars that took place between the alpha leaders of several PettyPrincess packs and their PettyPrincess ladies-in-waiting who were kept busy massaging the self-image of their leaders while planning and plotting their demise at the same time with their own coup d’état, while trying to make sure that the charity caught in the middle of all this inner circle fighting did not come out the loser. They, as were we, were dealing with egos that knew no bounds and who were dead set on marking their territory.
The bratty, prima donna and often vindictive antics of the PettyPartyPrincesses annoyed the heck out of Dee Dee and Daniela, who were more than ready and able to take them on in the name of good. They were more than a match for their tirades and tantrums. And Daniela could beat them at their own game (she easily out-dressed, out-classed and out-traveled them, having only traveled the world first class and stayed at the best-of-the-best resorts, as had Dee Dee and I) when they were being snotty and snarky around haute couture and the “shocking” fashion faux pas their competing PettyPartyPrincesses and their petulant and pouting ladies-in-waiting packs committed. The PettyPartyPrincesses wilted under Daniela’s critical eye and sharp tongue when she turned it around and turned it on them after she felt they crossed the line of acceptable social behavior, and she wanted to put them in check. These PettyPartyPrincesses would never misplace their lipstick but they sure didn’t have a problem mislaying their morals if they thought it would move them up one rung on the social ladder. Daniela was a master of giving a backhanded compliment. It’s a shame that most of it went over their heads. But Dee Dee and others present, wealthy contributors who were there as true patrons to support the charity cause, often had difficulty hiding their smiles.
Dee Dee discovered a website devoted to tracking the Muffys and the Tiffanys in the world of socialites, their rankings, their clothes, their choices of dates, the events to which they lent their names and their SR Silver Spoon Awards. They had down pat the categories some of these Pampered and PettyPartyPrincesses aspired to:
SR Silver Spoon Awards Categories
• Socialite of the Year
• Socialite Event of the Year
• Socialite Career Highlight of the Year
• Socialite Couple of the Year
• Designer of the Year
• Socialite Campaign of the Year
• Breakthrough Socialite of the Year
• International Socialite Award
• Socialite Dress of the Year
• Socialite Press Clip of the Year
• Socialite Sibling Team of the Year
Dee Dee and Daniela had a few more categories they would have added after going several rounds with warring camps of PettyPartyPrincesses and their ladies-in-waiting when there were two co-chairs hosting an event who tried nonstop to upstage one another with little regard for what they had signed on to do. Many of the nonprofit events the PettyPartyPrincesses undertook actually ended up running at a loss and costing the charities money instead of raising funds, which was not surprising because in many cases the events that PettyPartyPrincesses were undertaking or proposing were a means to get their names in the media, throw a gala party for their friends at no personal cost to them and increase their social status. All event elements were carefully contrived and orchestrated with military precision to further their personal social agenda and showcase them, not the charity.
Reigning PamperedPettyPartyPrincess Ladies-in-Waiting Rules
#1 It is always all about ME
#2 See rule #1 (all you really need to remember)
The nonprofit planners had our total respect for having to deal with the demanding and entitled attitudes of an event’s ruling chairs and hosts when their charity aligned themselves with a PettyPartyPrincess type, having initially been taken in by dazzling monetary returns projections for a gala fund-raising endeavor headed by them but underwritten by the charity if their event did not raise money. They could have instead aligned their organization with a true patron of their cause (the other Ladies That Lunch Club/Respected Society Mavens) that had only their organization’s well-being at heart and were prepared to put their time, energies and, in many cases, their own money into making their event a rewarding success.
One celebrity gala fund-raiser that ended up in the red, costing the charity thousands and thousands of dollars they did not have, only received $5,000 from the celebrity host. To add insult to injury, the celebrity host was perceived in the media as underwriting the entire cost for the event along with the PettyPartyPrincess who was anxious to link her name to theirs. The charity was just being used a PR tactic and society-positioning tool. Prices were set and tickets sold to only their Rolodex of personal friends and/or given to friends of the PettyPartyPrincess in lieu of their support for her—not for the nonprofit organization—before all the costs of the event were known and they came in much higher than the PettyPartyPrincess chair ever anticipated. That is, if she’d even given it that much thought. She’d done nothing to secure major corporate sponsors to help pay for the cost of the event so that the monies from all tickets sales plus silent auction items and donations went to the charity as profit. She did, however, spend money on a new designer gown, professional hair and makeup, new jewelry and her own personal photographer to make sure that she got all the pictures she wanted of herself with celebrities, other select top society folk and politicians gathered around her.
When the media queried the dollars raised, true figures could not be given because that would have been an admission that a great private party took place but unfortunately—too bad, so sad—no actual monies were raised, and in fact the charity went into the hole, and was left scrambling to find the funds to pay for their event. Sometimes charities do enter into this kind of arrangement knowing full well they are being used but hoping that having their organization shown as being in partnership with well-known names will help bring added exposure to their cause and make securing corporate sponsors the next go round easier.
For us, it was fascinating to see the social and political games being played for personal gain in another side of our industry and where being a master of discretion involved much more than we had encountered before. Sure, there were still the secret—or not so secret—affairs, misspent money, backstabbing, and unethical behavior we encountered on a daily basis but the level of cutthroatness of the PettyPartyPrincesses was something new added to the mix, as was the despair and unhappiness we saw when the veil got lifted at times and we were able to see what was driving these PettyPartyPrincesses.
We learned that all the money in the world doesn’t buy you class and doesn’t ensure happiness. Many of these women lived their lives on the superficial surface and radiated being miserable from deep inside. Many of their marriages had been fueled by their love of money, not the men in their lives. We witnessed mothers who had been groomed to marry money or marry into a higher social status doing the same with their daughters—and that was another purpose of getting involved in society gala fund-raising. One PettyPartyPrincess mom gushed at how her daughter just “loved” dating much older businessmen and she worked the seating chart like a mom on a marriage mission. Her daughter was 17. For many PettyPartyPrincesses, social climbing was their career and a way of furthering their husband’s career. They had to l
ook the part, play the part and produce the business and social connection results their spouses were looking for or there was hell to pay at home. After all, they could easily be replaced by a younger PettyPartyPrincess model.
Daniela witnessed one PettyPartyPrincess’s meltdown at home when she discovered a miniscule pulled thread in her designer gown that she was going to wear that evening and dissolved into tears telling Daniela that “she just didn’t understand how important being and looking perfect was and that her husband was going to be furious with her about the tiny—invisible to almost every naked eye—flaw in her dress.” She, along with her gown, would be perceived as damaged goods. It was essential to her livelihood that she be considered a prize accessory on her husband’s arm.
Daniela was able to share with her tricks from her past haute couture modeling days and restore the PettyPartyPrincess’s spirits, all the while knowing inside that what had just taken place would not stop the PettyPartyPrincess from mocking someone else’s misfortune that night should they be viewed as less than perfect in the eyes of her peers—but at least it was someone else and not her.
Behind their façade of flashy jewelry, fake smiles and air kisses (PettyPartyPrincesses know not to muss their dress, makeup or hair) and their seemingly narcissistic belief that they looked more fabulous than anyone else in the room, things were not always as they appear. There was a great deal of insecurity, along with insincerity, lurking there. And if the PettyPartyPrincesses sometimes wrapped themselves in protective layers of expensive fur coats bought by their “adoring” husbands, or so they said, it could be from trying to warm themselves from the frozen iciness some of their spouses displayed towards them when they were not on show. Working with them in their homes, you could often cut the tension between picture-perfect couples with a knife, and you found yourself wishing for something with which to ward off the chill. Their entitled arrogance, while very real, is also used as a self-defense mechanism.
A PettyPartyPrincess, Dee Dee, Daniela and I learned, is a type of woman that wants something at all cost, will do almost anything to get it, and never says thank you, but man, can the personal price be high. Wouldn’t want to be one nor spend my life energies working with them to further their demanding diva goals. I’d rather work with DiamondDivas any day. While DiamondDiva may be a connoisseur (in her own mind) of expensive trinkets and toys and had tons of rough edges, she did have a truly expansive heart when it came to making sure that “her kids” were taken care of and thanked. She knew that they buttered her bread, provided her with oceans of champagne and she gave back, but not only to them. She was also a big patron supporter, with no strings attached, to charities and causes she believed in.
Under the umbrella of event planning there are three very distinct areas and each is suited to a very specific personality type. One category is made up of corporate and business social event planners, another of personal party planners (wedding planners and all the festivities related to that, family or society celebrations like sweet 16s and bar and bat mitzvahs) and the third of nonprofit association planners who work in-house with the charity.
Corporate and business social event planners are skilled in event psychology, which requires the ability to strategically develop events that deliberately create and/or target specific responses and motivate their client’s attendees by tapping into people’s personal and professional dreams to bring their clients the return on their event investment (time, money and energy) they desire. There is a world of difference between “party planning” (weddings, birthday parties and other personal celebrations) and professional corporate and social results-driven “event planning,” which can still include seemingly personal celebrations—such as an awards ceremony or personal anniversary—but they come wrapped with a business agenda as does any gala fund-raiser to which a company lends their name and company image. Corporate and business social event planners are used to working with big budgets and dealing with one key decision-maker.
Party planners and wedding planners are working in an event planning arena that can require a lot of hand-holding and dealing with a multitude of emotions—not evoking them in the manner a corporate and business social event planner does, but rather calming them and the frayed nerves of multiple self-deemed decision-makers (think of a wedding: the bride, groom, mother of the bride, father of the bride, mother of the groom, father of the groom, maids of honor, best men, relatives on both sides, and well-meaning friends all clamor to be heard). Most corporate and social business event planners run for the hills when their family, friends or clients ask them to take on a personal party event. They don’t have the patience for hand-holding. That’s not what makes them tick. Instead, it’s meeting corporate business challenges creativity through custom events that fulfills them. They don’t want to hear 27 different options on which shade of buttercup yellow is the perfect shade. They want to only hear their own creative voice, knowing that what they choose will be the right one. They are not adept at handling what in their minds is time-wasting and money-wasting frou frou. They are results driven and business minded, while still wanting to produce meaningful, memorable, magical events but not wanting to deal with emotional decision-making and a limited budget. Corporate and business social event planners can work with limited funds but prefer not to deal with bridezillas whose demands far exceed money supply.
Nonprofit event planners deserve a medal. Their job requires them to handle elements of both and struggle to obtain sponsorship dollars and support when thousands of other charities are doing the same thing. Nonprofit planners, unlike professional corporate and business social event planners and party planners, don’t have an experienced team of staff and suppliers to help them pull off an event. And there’s no money to hire one. They are working with volunteers who may know absolutely nothing about timing, logistics and successful event execution and they don’t know what they don’t know. Then again, sometimes neither does the in-house nonprofit planner who may have just been thrust into that role. And at some events Dee Dee, Daniela and I witnessed, we saw volunteers that did not even honor their commitment to show up and fulfill their duties. At one event fewer than half the volunteers showed up to set up and run the nonprofit’s event. Remember, just like the PamperedPettyPartyPrincesses, volunteers can come with their own set of agendas, including meeting Mr. Right or gaining entrance into society circles. Not all of them are there because they are passionate about the cause.
Jumping in and working with them was a learning experience on both sides. After seeing the disastrous results of gala fund-raiser event left in PettyPartyPrincess hands and experiencing the chaos and confusion, we knew that the best way we could support charities was to contribute in other ways that would be of more value to us and to the charities and that wouldn’t leave Dee Dee, Daniela and me banging our heads on the table as we saw money walk out the door time and time again. We couldn’t risk our company name being tied to an event with less than stellar results, especially since we would have only handled a part of it and probably would have been called in only a day, a week or just several weeks before the event to try and save it from cancellation disaster and hefty cancellation charges. The only way we could take on another nonprofit event was if we brought in a corporate sponsor willing to underwrite the entire event—as a marketing tool for them around brand awareness of their company, to access to their target audience, to introduce a new product, as a public relations maneuver, or so that they’re viewed as a company who gives back—and do it in the polished and professional manner of how their corporate events are run. We kept saying that someone needs to write a book—and someone did write an entire best-selling series after experiencing what we did and seeing the same need—and tell PettyPartyPrincesses how to properly hold such a function. But unless it was wrapped in a fashion magazine, it was doubtful they’d ever read it.
“You just don’t understand,” said one Princess in a self-important tone. “It’s attitude.” It was attitude, all ri
ght, but not the kind she was talking about. “ChattyCattyCathy” went on to say that of course people (her people) would adhere to the code of high society etiquette, inferring that Dee Dee, Daniela and I knew nothing about such behavior, and that if their invitation reads from 6 to 10 they will leave promptly at 10 and the ones coming from 9 to 12 will not arrive early. Experience tells us that, high society or not, they were setting themselves up for major problems and risking having their gala fund-raising event closed down with television cameras rolling. When you take the gala opening of a new cutting-edge entertainment complex and invite families—not just couples—to attend and in the hopes of having maximum attendance set it up as a two-tier event with time overlap and no means of regulating who extended or came early, and combine that with free food, free drinks, top entertainment, high-energy bands, high-tech special effect indoor laser shows and a fireworks finale, no one’s leaving until the very end.
This is very different from doing a day event followed by an evening event with the venue closing down at the end, the facilities being refreshed and then reopening. There you have some semblance of controlling guest count numbers and adhering to fire marshal regulations. And you should have heard the gasps when we told them that porta potties—yes, we found luxury ones—would have to be set up in an area out of sight in order to get the go-ahead for the doors to be open based on the invited numbers.