by Amy Brent
“Mom!” she exclaimed, doing a great job at pretending she didn’t know I was coming. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
Knowing that I couldn’t tell her that I had overheard her and Ben and, therefore, knew she was lying I played along.
“Surprise!” I yelled with an enthusiasm I didn't quite feel as I ran to hug her. Her slender arms curled around my shoulders with the same desperation her five years old self used after a nasty nightmare. Smoothing her longish hair, I kept my voice extra gentle and said, “I had some days off and decided to come spend Christmas with my favorite daughter.”
She pulled away from me and gave me a broad—and clearly fake—smile. “I’m your only daughter, but that’s still awesome. I’m so happy you’re here.”
After everything I had just heard, I knew she was lying. I guess that was what we did now. After almost twenty-three years of truth and friendship, we were the kind of mother and daughter duo that had secrets and awkwardness. I hated it, and I hated myself for putting us into this situation, but still, I put on a fake ass smile and lied right back.
“Me too, baby.” Hoping to steer this conversation to safer and less painful topics, I looked her up and down and raised a brow. She looked Christmas gorgeous in a short, long sleeve red dress with emerald green pumps and some bold pieces of gold jewelry. “You look beautiful.”
A smile that was a bit more honest crept on Jess’ lips as she shrugged. “Mallory, my friend from school, is throwing this red, green and gold party at her house.”
“That sounds fun,” I assured her in the same smiley tone I usually used.
“Yeah,” she agreed with sadness in her eyes. “But I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to. I can stay here and hang out with you.”
Knowing my daughter as well as I did, I could see her eyes begging me to let her go just as clearly as I saw the self-loathing she felt for feeling that way. With everything I had just overheard, I understood perfectly well why she felt that way. Staying with me, meant staying with Ben and his wife, and even though we all knew we weren’t actually married, I was still the one in their way.
A part of me wanted to walk into the house and murder Ben for causing all this trouble, but deep down, I knew he wasn’t the one to blame for Jessica’s pain. I was. I was the one who had brought him into her life. I was the one who forbade him to pursue her even though I had absolutely no feelings for him. And, I was also the one who left, leaving him as her only companion at home.
Realizing that I had put the pained expression on my daughter’s face was like a punch to the gut. I knew I had to do something to make things better, but I didn’t know what. I couldn’t hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright without telling her I had overheard a personal conversation—something I definitely couldn’t do. I also couldn’t ask her what was wrong because I knew she would just lie again, and that would hurt both of us even more. I was literally between a rock and a hard place, I had no one to blame but myself.
“No, honey,” I said with a shake of my head and tears rimming my eyes. “You go have fun, and we’ll hang out tomorrow.”
She let out a sigh of relief and smiled. “Okay. Have fun at the office party with Ben.” The tiniest frown formed between her brows and, despite hesitating for a second, she added, “He’s in a bit of a mood today, and will probably end up drinking too much. Don’t let him drink , okay?”
“I won’t,” I said with an appreciative smile curling my lips.
With that, Jess hugged me once again, said how good it was to have me back and then walked towards her car, leaving me alone and heartbroken in the driveway. I waved her goodbye and then took a deep breath before carrying my small suitcase back towards the house’s front door.
It had been months since I last found the place intimidating, but today I did. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the house itself or the decision I had to make, but I felt incredibly small as I pushed those massive doors open and walked into the large entryway of what was essentially my daughter’s house.
“Jess?” Ben’s voice echoed from the stairway before I even closed the door. His tone was sadder and more anguished than it was during their argument and it tugged at my soft heart yet again.
“No, just me,” I said after a deep breath as I turned around to look at him.
Ben tried and failed not to look too disappointed as he made his way, still bare-chested, down the stairs. “Welcome, dear,” he greeted me with a fake smile. “You’ve just missed Jessica.”
“I saw her just outside, actually.” Wanting to test him and reassure myself that the feelings he had demonstrated during their argument were true, I added, “She looked gorgeous.”
Although he smiled, I had a distinct feeling that my comment and his expression were hurting him. It eased the uneasiness in my chest a little bit and made me surer that I had to find a way to make things right for them. I had no idea how I would go about doing that, but I knew it was something that had to be done.
“How was your trip?” he asked, promptly changing the subject.
Since I didn’t have a plan and was still unsure how to approach the Jessica situation, I breathed a sigh of relief and replied, “It was good. A little bumpy, but sitting back and relaxing instead of calming passengers was a treat. Thanks for upgrading my ticket, by the way. You didn’t have to do that.”
He waved a hand as if it was nothing—because to him, it really was—and grabbed my suitcase. It felt odd to see Ben doing the handy work instead of calling his butler for help, but it was a good change. It was one that showed growth, and that eased a bit more of my uneasiness regarding him and Jessica.
We walked in an awkward silence for half of the stairwell. Then, in a tired tone, he asked, “Are you well rested enough for the party? The board expects to see you, but if you want to stay and rest I can tell them you weren’t feeling well.”
Not knowing if he was saying that for my or his benefit, I shrugged. “I’ll be okay after a nice, warm shower.”
Ben smiled and nodded, then continued to walk in silence to my bedroom door. With a long inhale, he placed my suitcase on the floor and smiled—the same fake, weak smile Jessica gave me just seconds ago.
“It’s good to have you home, Pam. See in a few minutes.”
With that lie, he turned around and walked away. As I watched him go, I felt, once again, the weight of the mess we had created and decided it was my responsibility to make things right not only for Jessica but also for Ben’s father who only wished to see his son happy.
Still in the hallway, I closed my eyes and sent out a prayer for Ben’s dad, hoping he would help me in this task. For some reason, when I opened them again, my heart was lighter, and I was filled with hope. Holding on to that feeling, I opened my bedroom door and went to get ready, excited to see my baby girl happy and start the new chapter of all of our lives.
Chapter 29 – Ben
We got to the party, and I did all the things I was expected to do. I walked around with my hand on Pam’s waist, introduced her as my wife to whoever approached us for a conversation, gave a beautiful Christmas speech that made me people laugh and cheer, and even danced several songs with my wife. As per usual, Pam was beautiful in a fitted red dress and high heels, extremely charming to the board members and fun company to have around which helped make the night not terrible. Still, every second made my skin crawl with anguish.
I kept imagining Jessica alone at a college party, dancing and drinking and having fun without me which made me want to poke my eyes out or scream. My body buzzed with an intense need to go after her and make things right, but something in me kept me from turning that need into action.
Honestly, the thing holding me back was no longer Pam’s threat of divorce. Although divorcing her with less than six months to go would suck, it didn’t signify the end of my world anymore. Hearing Jessica say she was done with me and seeing her walk away, made me aware that the only thing I truly wanted in life was her. The jo
ys of my company, my fortune, and my position meant nothing if I couldn’t share those things with her. Without her, life was empty and lonely in a way I had never experienced before—in a way I never wanted to experience again.
However, although I no longer feared the divorce, I feared disappointing a dear friend and damaging Pam and Jessica’s relationship even more than I already had. After forty years of caring very little about others, I found myself caring a whole lot about these two women and hurting them, in any way, made me feel like shit left in the sun.
Tormented beyond measure and unable to stand in the circle of executives I was in for even a second longer, excused myself, told Pam—who was talking to a few of the wives nearby—that I was going to get a refill and practically ran to the outside bar. Thank goodness it was a little less crowded than the one inside the huge tent where the party was taking place. As soon as I arrived at the mirrored structure by the water fountain, I ordered a triple shot of scotch and dropped my head into my hand as I tried to calm my mind and catch my breath.
“You don’t look like you’re enjoying the party,” a familiar voice said close enough to my ear to make goosebumps erupt in my skin.
Knowing that my already shitty night was about to make a sharp turn to the worse, I pulled in a long inhale and almost choked with the stench of alcohol coming from her. I opened my eyes and turned my face to look at Vanessa who was wearing a highly inappropriate dress for an office party and almost groaned at how drunk she was.
“And you look like you’re enjoying it a bit too much,” I retorted, completely out of patience, and removed the wine glass from her hand.
“Hey,” she protested, loud enough that her voice carried over the loud music. “Give that back. It’s bad enough you stopped fucking me. Don’t take away the only fun I still have.”
My face heated and my jaw set with anger. I handed her glass to the bartender who returned with my scotch and dismissed him as soon as the glasses were exchanged.
I held Vanessa’s gaze until we were alone—or as alone as we could get at a party—and said, “Shut the fuck up. This isn’t a kegger at a frat house, Vanessa. This is a work party. You’re here to build your reputation and make connections, not get wasted and embarrass yourself.”
“Do you think being drunk is embarrassing?” she asked with a sarcastic huff. “Embarrassing is being called by another woman’s name while you’re being screwed on a desk and then getting dumped for no good reason. Embarrassing is having the whole office know you only got a permanent job because you used to fuck the boss and still dress slutty in the off chance he might notice you. But you didn’t. I danced for you, I got drunk for you, I did everything to get your attention, but you still didn’t even see me.”
Her words left me speechless and very confused. It had been months since I last saw her and the idea that she was still hung up on me was completely crazy. Crazier, however, was the fact that seconds after her mouth shut her hand reached out to grab my crotch. In public. At a goddamned office party.
“Fuck, no!” I barked and slapped her hand away as I got up from my stool. “Get some coffee and go home, Vanessa. I’ve already apologized for hurting you, but I’m in a committed relationship, and you have no business touching me the way you just did.”
Vanessa stared at me with hurt in her eyes. Her posture made her look even younger than she was, like a sullen child who didn’t get the toy she wanted. It was disgusting and made me feel sick that I ever saw my sweet Jessica in her. As I continued to stare at her, her gaze shifted from me to somewhere behind my back and a petulant smirk formed on her full lips.
“Are you the wife or Jessica?” she asked, and a cold wave ran down my back.
I looked over my shoulder and saw Pam standing just a few feet away with worry in her eyes. Without looking at me, she said, “I’m the wife. Who are you?”
“Vanessa. The intern your husband used to fuck,” she slurred. “He called me Jessica while he did it, so he was actually cheating on you with two women.”
I kept my eyes focused on Pam as I tried to think about a way to get myself out of this fucking mess. I knew my options were very limited, but something had to be done. I had already lost too much today. I wasn’t going to allow this little drunken bitch to take even more away from me.
I looked around in search of a security guard who could take Vanessa away. Before I could find one, Pam’s voice reached my ears.
“Do I look like I care, sweetie?”
The question and the casual tone in which it was delivered made me turn to look at my wife. Her face was relaxed, and there was even a small smile on her lips. Not knowing if she was a great actress or drunk, I waited patiently for her to continue.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but Benji and I have an open marriage,” she continued casually, shocking the shit out of both me and Vanessa. “We take care of each other and have a wonderful relationship, but I don’t care who he’s sleeping with just as he doesn’t care that I’ve been screwing a French pilot named Jacques for the last three months. So, if your plan was to get your revenge on him by outing his affair, I’m sorry to inform that you’ve failed. You can go now.”
Vanessa looked just as mystified by Pam’s words as I was. Despite the dread, I felt over the clusterfuck I was in, I couldn’t help but smile as my former lover opened and closed her mouth a few times with indignation before uttering a few choice words and walking away.
Once we were finally alone, and Pam looked at me, the smirk quickly slipped away from my lips. She didn’t look angry—which was strange considering the Jessica bomb Vanessa had dropped on us—but I was nervous just the same.
“I can explain,” I said in a firm but careful voice.
She raised a brow and called the bartender. While he walked over to us, she said, “You better. I can’t believe you slept with an employee, Ben. That’s rookie stuff.”
“A mistake, of course,” I replied after she asked for a martini. “But it was a long time ago, and I broke things off with Vanessa because I fell in love with her.”
Her eyes widened, and her perfectly manicured index finger pointed sideways. “With that girl?”
I rolled my eyes, knowing she was teasing. “No, Pam. With Jessica. I’m in love with Jessica. I know I shouldn’t, and I tried not to, but I couldn’t help it. She’s smart, funny, caring and . . . just . . .”
Feeling like the world’s biggest idiot, I trailed off and closed my eyes. Behind my lids, I saw my baby girl laughing and biting her lips in that sexy way she does. I saw her hugging me and eating pizza off the floor as she waited for me to come home. I saw her waking up with her hair all messy and looking gorgeous as she took off her makeup at night. All those images and memories brought only one word to mind.
With a sigh, I opened my eyes again and said, “Perfect. Jessica is perfect.”
“Well, I know that.” Pam’s smile widened as the bartender delivered her drink. Confused by her reaction, I blinked a few times and dropped my jaw like a certifiable idiot. Not minding my shock, she sipped her drink and added, “Why didn’t you tell her that you love her, then?”
My heart pounded and I frowned, but still replied honestly, “You. The promise I gave you and threat you made.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “Then you’re dumber than I thought, Benjamin. Your promise and my threat clearly didn’t stop you from falling in love with the girl—or from sleeping with her. I don’t see why I would be an impediment for you to tell her how you feel.”
My head felt like it was about to explode with the amount of information. I had no idea how she knew, but it was evident there was no point in trying to hide my relationship with Jessica from her. And honestly, I didn’t want to hide it anymore either.
“How do you know?” I asked as my heart finally slowed to a reasonable pace.
“Well, you just said you love her, so that way,” she started with a smirk and another sip of her drink. “As for the sleeping with her part, I ov
erheard you two talking. I didn’t mean to, and I certainly didn’t want to hear what I heard, but you two were in the hallway and talking loud as shit.”
For some reason, I felt almost relieved that she had overheard us. If nothing else, that argument served to show Pam how I really felt about her daughter and, maybe, pave the way to a real and opened relationship between all of us.
After a sip of my scotch, I asked, “You’re not mad?”
“I was for a few moments. The hurt in Jess’ voice was hard to take, and I blamed you at first,” she admitted, taking a seat beside me. After a deep breath, she continued, “but then she said she was jealous of me. My baby girl is jealous of me because I married the first boy she’s ever loved. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it’s not your fault.” She shrugged and continued, “If I’ve learned anything these last few months is that we love who we love. We don’t choose the person, the time or the place. It just happens, and we have deal with it the best way we can.”
I nodded because I knew she was right. It wasn’t my fault I had fallen in love with her daughter or that Jessica had fallen in love with me. Still, my voice was filled with regret as I said, “But we had an agreement.”
“True, but it was a mistake, and so was bullying you into staying away from Jess. I honestly didn’t think you were capable of falling in love, which was why I didn’t want you messing around with her, but it wasn’t my place to forbid you to do it. As a result, I’ve caused my daughter pain and lost one of the most important moments of her life.”