“What about Dan Sanders? He told me he asked you to come on by his store in the early mornings sometimes and have coffee with him. Have you gone?”
Wade remembered Dan’s kind eyes. His generous offer. “No,” he admitted.
“Go see him tomorrow. Tell him what happened at the movies. He’s probably been through something similar.”
“I don’t know...” he started, but Nora cut him off.
“Wade, this is your pride getting in the way! You need help.”
“Okay,” he said quietly. She was right.
“Isn’t there some kind of veterans’ group that meets in town?”
Ethan’s group. He’d never shown up. “They meet Mondays.”
“As in tonight?” Nora glanced at her watch. “Have you fed the animals? I’ll do it for you if you’ll go tonight.”
“I fed them already. Everything’s set for the night. But I dunno, Nor. I’ve had a long day, and...”
Nora stood up so suddenly her chair fell over behind her with a thud that had Wade on his feet, combat ready, in an instant.
“See? Look at you. A chair falls and you jump a mile.”
He glared at his sister until he took in her pale skin, her hands clenched into fists. She was furious. And frightened.
“I won’t lose you,” she said. “We’ve lost them all. Mom, Dad, Arch, Blake, and I will not lose you.”
“You won’t lose me. I’m not going to kill myself or something like that. It’s not that bad.”
“But if you don’t deal with it, if you push Lori away and you isolate yourself out here, it could get that bad. Please go to this meeting tonight. If you need me to, I will drive you there and wait in the truck until it’s over. Just go get help. Now.”
He couldn’t argue. Not when she was scared like this. They’d only ever had each other, and they’d always had each other’s backs. He sighed. “Okay, I’ll go. As long as I can eat one piece of this pizza without you giving me a hard time about anything.”
He grabbed another slice of the meat combo with enough cheese to clog an artery. But what the hell. He was going to need the extra strength to walk into that meeting tonight and admit the truth. That he had a problem. And he had no idea how to fix it on his own.
* * *
THERE WERE LESS than a dozen vehicles parked outside Grange Hall when Wade pulled up. He was glad to see it. He didn’t think he could go in if there was a huge crowd.
Taking a few deep breaths as he approached the entrance, he pushed open the door. His limbs were leaden and anxiety was rippling through his chest, but he forced himself forward across the hallway toward the main room.
He froze at the doorway, scanning the scene. A few guys were helping themselves to coffee from an urn set across from the door. There was a plate of cookies that looked homemade. A circle of chairs were set in the center of the room, and a handful of men were already sitting down. He recognized one of them vaguely. Maybe they’d gone to high school together?
“Hey, man, you made it.” Ethan’s beefy hand grasped his shoulder. “I thought I was going to have to pay you a visit out on that ranch of yours and drag you down here myself.” He propelled Wade into the room by the sheer force of his enthusiasm. “Hey, everyone, we have a newbie. This is Wade. He got back from Afghanistan just a couple of months ago.”
“Hey, Wade,” several people said, and every single one of them came over to shake his hand.
“Coffee?” Ethan asked. “It’s decaf. None of us want to be up in the middle of the night with too much caffeine in our systems. Feeds the demons, you know?”
“Sure,” Wade answered.
A big black-haired man offered him a seat next to his. “I’m Luis. Welcome. Glad you could make it.”
Luis looked like he could bench-press Wade. Here he’d been worried that this support group would be some kind of sissy thing, but these men were all pretty formidable. Luis wasn’t even the biggest guy here.
Ethan handed him a cup of coffee and a cookie. Wade accepted them and set them on the floor under his seat, too nervous to eat or drink anything.
Ethan took a seat on the other side of Wade. “It’s eight o’clock, guys. Let’s get started.” When everyone had joined the circle, Ethan bowed his head. “Let’s start with a moment of silent prayer.”
It was a long moment. Wade prayed he’d get through the meeting without throwing up or making a fool of himself. When he finally looked up, it seemed that everyone was done praying. They were waiting on him. Great.
Ethan read from a page in a binder that explained the rules of the meeting. Confidentiality was evidently a big rule, as it came up a few different times. Then Ethan closed the binder. “First order of business. Does anyone here need anything urgent? Urgent means housing, medicine, a referral to a doctor or shrink, or a job. And Wade, just so you know, a need to get laid doesn’t count.”
Everyone guffawed. Ethan had effectively broken the ice. Luis said he’d been living with his parents since he left the Marines, and he felt like he was ready to get a place of his own. He asked whether anyone knew of a place. A guy named Parker said he’d forgotten to fill his prescription and missed a couple of days of his medicine, and he wasn’t sure how much to start taking now. Wade just stared at them all in awe. They were so relaxed, so casual, mentioning their troubles and asking for what they needed like it was no big deal.
Once everyone had finished offering advice to Luis and Parker, Ethan got his binder out again. “We have a speaker tonight. Darren is going to share his story. How he first realized he was having some problems and how he’s been dealing with it. You ready, Darren?”
Darren was the guy Wade had recognized. Now he remembered him. He’d been a year behind Wade, a star on the basketball team. Kind of a stud, really. He still carried that prom-king aura, but he was somber, one booted foot tapping restlessly as he straightened in his chair and started speaking.
“I first realized I had a problem when I threw a chair through a window.”
He wasn’t the most articulate speaker, but it didn’t matter. Wade was transfixed. Everything Darren shared sounded familiar. Losing his temper, feeling irritated all the time. Feeling lost and missing the companionship of his platoon. The night sweats, the dreams so real he couldn’t wake up. The anxiety about noise, about losing control in front of others. Getting frustrated easily. Every word provided Wade with another inch of relief. The shared experience didn’t fix his problem. He sure as hell wished it would. But at least he wasn’t the only one going through it. Was it selfish to take comfort in that?
He heard something else in Darren’s talk. Something that wasn’t spoken in words but came through anyway. A yearning to get better. To feel normal. To feel like he belonged and could trust himself again.
Wade recognized it. The sense that there was something out there he was reaching for but was scared he wouldn’t obtain. He was just reaching for normal, and putting a name to it made it feel a whole lot better.
When Darren was finished, Ethan gave them some information about the next meeting and their plans to march in the Veterans Day parade coming up in a few weeks. Then he led them in another moment of silence. And that was it. A quick glance at the old clock on the wall told Wade the meeting was over and he’d survived it. And it hadn’t been too bad.
His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his jacket pocket. It was a text from Nora asking if he’d made it through.
Yes. Quit worrying, he sent back. And then he relented, adding, It kind of helped.
“Hey.” Ethan clapped him on the shoulder with a thump that reverberated through Wade’s bones. “What did you think? You gonna come back next week?”
“Yeah, I think I might,” Wade told him, almost surprised by his own words. He did want to come back. Even sitting in the room saying nothing helped. Just b
eing near people who were going through something similar to him was healing.
“You’ll march with us, right? On Veterans Day? It’s a quiet parade. Just the high school band plays. No fireworks or sirens allowed.”
Wade remembered Tabitha’s sneering comments at church. “A Hoffman marching down Main Street? I don’t think Benson is quite ready for that.”
“Well, ready or not, you’re here and you’re a veteran. So they can take their prejudice and shove it.”
Wade laughed. Ethan was so totally unapologetic. It was refreshing. “I’ll see,” he told him. “But I don’t know if I’m ready for a parade just yet.”
“Well, think about it.” He handed Wade a card with his name and phone number written on it. “Call me anytime, day or night, if you want to talk.”
“Thanks, Ethan.” Wade tried to imagine calling the confident man after one of his dreams. Or after he’d run like a scared kid out of a movie. He couldn’t. He shoved the card in his back pocket anyway. “I’d better get going.”
“A few of us are heading out for a beer. Want to join?”
“Another time,” Wade said. He felt exhausted all of a sudden. Like he’d absorbed too much, felt too much and his skin was too thin. He gave Ethan a wave and headed out the door, welcoming the chill. Ideally it would wake him up enough to get him home to his bed. Anxiety knotted inside him when he thought about sleep. It was unnerving not knowing if it was going to be a good night or bad. Maybe he’d take one of Doc Miller’s jumbo sleeping pills just to make sure he got some rest.
He looked up at the stars, shining crystal clear across the autumn sky. He took a breath and let it out slowly, watching it form a cloud around his head. Tonight hadn’t changed everything, but it had shifted something inside of him. It was a relief just to acknowledge that things hadn’t been going so well.
He thought of Lori and her faith in him. He hoped he was worthy of it. Tonight he’d learned that healing was a long process and could take years. But if he did what he needed to do, he could make progress. And after his panic at the movie last night, one thing was clear. Any step forward was better than staying where he was. He had to make progress, and if he didn’t, he had to let Lori go.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
THE STEPLADDER SEEMED steady until Lori climbed onto the last couple steps from the top. Grasping the edge of the white canopy that sheltered the rummage sale tables, she straightened up shakily. She unfolded the banner that would hang along the edge of the canopy and threaded a rope through the grommet at the corner. Her numb fingers felt clumsy as she worked the ends of the rope through the metal loop at the top of the pole.
It wasn’t even 7 a.m. and she’d been here for half an hour. One more reason that next year, when the pastor asked for someone to coordinate the rummage sale, she was going to sit on her hands and make sure they didn’t wave themselves in the air to volunteer.
But she’d get a break soon. She was in charge of setup and the first couple hours of selling clothes. Then another church member was taking over, and Lori would be free to wander through the festival until it was time to pack up the booth. She was looking forward to wandering. The Benson Harvest Festival was a huge event, stretching down Main Street for several blocks and ending with a big stage and a live band down by Sixth Street. There were a lot of local artists at the fair, and Lori was hoping to find something pretty for Mandy’s Christmas gift.
“You look a little shaky up there.”
Lori started, then recognized the deep voice below by its power to quicken her pulse. Glancing down briefly, she tried to keep her smile casual. “I’m okay.”
Wade was standing at the foot of the ladder. “You look cold. I brought hot coffee. Wanna trade places?”
“I’m good.” She tightened the knot and started down the ladder. He held it for her, standing opposite from the rungs so when she got to the ground they faced each other.
“I missed you this week,” he said.
“I’m glad.” She felt a little shy. The last time they’d seen each other was on their disastrous date. She hadn’t meant to avoid him, but she’d welcomed the time away to catch her breath. And to read everything she could about PTSD. “I didn’t know you were coming to the festival.”
“I wouldn’t leave you to deal with the baby stuff. I promised I’d handle it. So here I am.”
“But you’re not worried? About the crowds? The noise?”
He smiled wanly. “Sure I am. But you’re at the quieter end down here, so ideally I won’t do anything too crazy.”
“You don’t have to help,” she said quickly. “I’m okay.” She was, kind of. She’d loaded everything into her truck on her own, and though she didn’t love being around the baby gear, it didn’t break her heart anymore.
“Lori.” He reached around the ladder and took her hand. “If we’re going to spend time together, you have to let me try things. Please don’t treat me like I’m broken or try to protect me.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just want you to be okay.”
“I will be. Even if the festival ends up being too much, I’ll be okay. Let me try it, all right?”
“Yes, of course,” she answered. He was right. If she was going to stick by him, she was going to have to trust him.
“Is one bad date enough to justify a little PDA?” he asked.
“What?” she sputtered, taken totally by surprise.
“Unless you’ve changed your mind about wanting to date?”
“No. I haven’t.”
“Well, in that case...” He brought his mouth down to hers, brushing her lips in the faintest of kisses. The kind of kiss that made her want more kisses. “It’s nice to see you,” he murmured.
“Nice to see you, too” was all she could manage with kiss-scrambled wits.
“I want to help.” He gave her a quick kiss on the forehead and went to her truck, pulling out a cardboard box labeled with the word Adult. “Where does this go?”
“Let’s put it over here on this table by me, and we’ll put the baby stuff over there.” She pointed to the table closest to him.
He set the box down and went for another.
She tried not to notice how he looked in his faded jeans, his navy-blue parka and his dark cowboy hat, pulling the boxes out. But how could she not? He moved with such coiled energy, like he was holding some of his actual strength back.
He grabbed another of the big cardboard cartons of clothes. “Try your coffee.”
She ignored him and pulled a box out of the truck, dumping it on the ground.
He was grinning at her. “Stubborn much?”
“Back at you.”
“We’re good that way,” he said. “But seriously? You should try that coffee.”
She grabbed her cup and took a sip. It was foamy and sweet. “You got me a latte thing!”
“I remembered that you like them.”
Well, that was cute. And the drink was perfect for this chilly fall morning. Decadent and hot. She could see the steam rising. “Thank you. I love it.”
A now-familiar nose poked her shin. Snack had emerged from snoozing in his bed that Lori had placed beneath one of the tables. Yeah, she was pathetic, bringing along a bed for the little guy. But she’d never had a small dog before. He seemed to get chillier than her old cattle dog had. Was she going to have to buy him one of those little sweaters come winter? She wouldn’t even think about that now.
She bent down and scooped him up. “Hey, buddy,” she said quietly, and he nuzzled her cheek.
“What the...” Wade reached out his hand and Snack gave a dignified sniff, then allowed Wade to rub his jaw. “Nice fur, little guy,” he said. Snack snorted, and Wade grinned. “Is this the dog we talked about in church? He’s wild looking.”
“He’s some sort of t
errier,” Lori answered. Oh, what the hell. She might as well own it. “He’s my dog now. I’ve had to accept that. He even comes with me on rides.”
“He can keep up?” Wade gently lifted one of Snack’s furry paws with one finger. “His legs can’t be more than six inches long.”
“He doesn’t keep up. He rides with me.”
Wade’s smile became a grin. “In the saddle? No kidding!” He fluffed up the fur on the dog’s head until it spiked like a punk rocker. “Not the dog I’d have pictured for you, but I like him. He has character. What’s his name?”
“Snack.”
He laughed out loud, and damn, did it look good on him. She stared, trying to absorb it, trying to memorize it, like something she could pull out and ponder on a bad day.
Wade shook Snack’s paw. “Good to meet you, Snack,” he said solemnly.
Snack huffed and tried to lick his fingers.
“Not polite, Snackeroo.” Lori set the dog on the ground. “Go lie down,” she told him, and he trotted back to his bed.
“Well trained already,” Wade said.
“Working on it,” Lori answered. She took another sip of her foamy coffee. “And speaking of working, we have to get this stuff unpacked.”
“Sure.” He smiled again, and she felt it across her skin. What was going on with her today? She was ogling him like a teenager with way too many hormones. Maybe it was because she finally knew what was really going on with him. He’d always seemed so unshakable and tough that it was a little intimidating. But now she knew he was struggling. She wasn’t happy he was hurting, but it did make him seem more human. More approachable.
She went back to setting out clothing for the sale, and Wade wandered off to deal with the furniture. She tried to focus on organizing the booth, but she was restless.
She kept stealing glances at Wade’s profile while he was busy neatly stacking toys and baby clothes. He was handsome and composed, but now that she was aware of his condition, she could see the tension in his jaw and shoulders. She wanted to soothe it. Run her fingers over his muscles and help him relax. Her own muscles warmed at the thought. She didn’t just want to date him, she realized with a force that had her starting. She wanted him.
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