“First off, I’m going to kill Emmitt. Secondly, how can you say that? Do you have any idea what you not picking up the phone did to me? For the last year, I’ve tried everything to be happy without you, but nothing worked. I’ve tried self-medicating, drinking, and even tried to replace you with someone else. None of it helped, though, and it never will. You messed everything up. How could you do this?”
“You were there, and I was here. That wasn’t changing anytime soon, Eric.”
“Yes, it was. Emmitt’s going into the draft next April. After that, I was going to come home to you. I was going to buy that place on the lake and build you your dream home. I wouldn’t have done it immediately, but after we got to know each other again, I was going to ask you to be my wife. That was always the plan for me. Why couldn’t you have waited a year for me? Was what we had so insignificant that you would throw it away over one year?”
“Of course not. I got pregnant. What was I supposed to do? He loved me, and he was here for me. My son deserved a father, and I might not love Richard the way I loved you, but he is an excellent dad. Tell me how I was supposed to make this right.”
“I don’t know. I want to say something that changes everything about where we are. I want to figure out a way to make you mine, but that’s not possible anymore. You made your choice, and then you didn’t even have the guts to tell me what you were going to do. You just let me wonder about it for a year. Emmitt had no right to tell you what to do about us, but he was right about one thing he said. He told me that you were just like any other woman. I can see that’s true now. I was just your little vacation away from your boyfriend last summer, wasn’t I?”
“No, you were always . . .”
“Save it! I thought you loved me, and more than that, I thought you were my best friend. A friend wouldn’t do this. You shouldn’t have been with him, and if you were going to be, you should have at least let me know that you didn’t give a damn about me so I could stop caring,” I said and started to stand. She grabbed my hand, though.
“I’m sorry. Even if you were doing the wrong things, you were on your way to such a great life. I didn’t want to step in the way of that.”
“The only life I ever wanted was with you,” I said and walked out of the pub.
On that day, all of my goals changed. It became completely about my career, and romance took a backseat. My time at home wasn’t over, however. One more unexpected feeling awaited. As angry as I was, I couldn’t stay mad at the woman I had always loved. I would talk to her one last time, and that conversation just might give me hope and more importantly, forgiveness.
Chapter 22
My Destiny
The following morning, I woke up in my old bedroom. It was a strange thing to look around the room. Everything was the same as it used to be. It was almost as if time had stopped. I could picture my normal routine. It seemed like I should be getting up to go over to Olivia’s. We would ride to school together and then go about the daily grind. I didn’t really care for school back then. I did well, but like any other kid, I hated the idea of sitting in a classroom all day. How I would love to go back now, though. Things weren’t complicated back then. I had her and my best friends. What did I have now but trouble? It was all of my own making, but my life had grown so complicated that I had no idea how to fix it. The fact was that I had no idea what to do with that morning. It wasn’t like I had anyone to go see now that Olivia was married and had a kid. My aunt and uncle would be off to work soon, too. I was sure that Mike would be working also. Just what was I going to do with my day?
I walked downstairs and talked to my aunt and uncle over breakfast. It was nice to be able to have early morning talks with them again, but with no real plan after they left, I simply sunk into a deep depression. I walked into the living room and wasted the whole morning flicking through useless television channels. When I could take it no more, I got dressed and walked out to my car. Then I drove aimlessly. I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew that I had to move. Sitting in that house for another minute was going to be the worst thing for me. All looking at my teenage home made me think of was how things used to be. As I drove through town, I felt the same thing, though. There were tons of places that Olivia and I went, and with every passing street corner, another memory surfaced. It was too much. I drove out of town. My thoughts were still consumed with what had been, however, and I decided to do what might have been the worst thing for me. There was one spot that Olivia came back to over and over again. It was the first place we ever went together and the spot where she came back to when she wished her dad was still with her. If I was going to be cursed to relive all the memories in this place, then I figured I might as well get it over with. That place held so many memories. What I didn’t know was that it held one more thing for me.
When I drove up, I saw another car there. I didn’t recognize it, but I knew the woman sitting in the driver’s seat. It was Olivia. I didn’t want to talk to her. I was still angry. Then again, I couldn’t just leave things the way they ended at the bar. I got out and walked over to her. I shot her a glance as if to ask if it was all right if I sat with her. She shook her head, and I got in.
“Let me talk right now. When I’m finished, you can say whatever you want,” Olivia said.
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I screwed things up worse than anyone in this situation. I take full responsibility for that. Things aren’t fixable anymore, though, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want you to hate me. I’ll understand if you do, but I hate for things to end that way. You were my everything. I loved you more than I knew was possible. I still do. You were the best friend I could have ever asked for and the only man who ever made me feel like I was someone special. I didn’t know what to do after I got pregnant. It made sense to marry Richard. He’s a hard worker, and he really does love me. I wanted to run back to you, but how could I? You had this amazing future ahead of you. Was I really supposed to say that I was pregnant, and I wanted you to take me as I was? Could you have even done that? I needed someone here in Wisconsin who would be a father to my child. You weren’t that guy, and you shouldn’t have been. I wanted you to be, but that was selfish. You deserve more, and as a person who loves you, I want more for you. I realized that it would be selfish to ask you to be that guy for me.”
“There’s still one thing I don’t understand. Why did you stay with Richard after you got home? You promised me that you were going to break up with him.”
“If you’ll recall, I said I was going to break up with him after a while. He had a lot of bad things going on in his life back then, and I didn’t want to push him over the edge. Before he could get back on his feet, the pregnancy happened. From there, everything changed. When I left your place in Miami, I fully planned to do two things. One was to break up with Richard, and the other was to let you go. You deserved to be free with whoever you wanted. Someone back in Miami could have made you happy, or so I told myself. After a couple of months, I realized my mistake, though. You were the person I was meant to be with. I decided that I was going to break it off with Richard and call you. Before I could, I figured out that I was going to be a mom. After that, I realized that I had blown it. Any life we could have had was over. I had a really great guy here, though, and he was willing to be what I needed. Richard didn’t have any big opportunities coming up either. When I told him I was pregnant, he reacted like it was the best thing in the world. I think it gave him a reason to get up in the mornings. He had lost his dream of playing football or even having a career as a dentist, but he had our baby and me. I knew then what I had to do. I couldn’t take that away from him, and I couldn’t take your dream away from you either by asking you to be what I needed.”
“I would have been that, you know.”
“No, you wouldn’t have. No one would raise someone else’s child in that situation.”
“I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else,
but for you, it wouldn’t have even been a thought. I would have given us the life we deserved and loved your child like he was mine. What’s his name, by the way?”
“Phillip. Are you actually serious? You wouldn’t have regretted giving up your future for one with me?”
“I always thought my future was you.”
“Well, I’ve messed up things worse than I thought. I don’t know what to say. I think it’s too late for us to make it right.”
“I know. That’s what I can’t believe. I just knew I would find a way for us to be together at the end of it all. A part of me still believes that. Maybe I have to. You were the only hope I had after my parents went to prison, and you’ve been my only reason for everything I’ve done in life. You gave me my confidence when I had none and love when I didn’t deserve it. I even started things with Emmitt with our future in mind. The worst part is what I’ve become over the last year. When you never called back, I felt terrible. I couldn’t accept that things might be over permanently, so I cut myself off from the real world. I did everything possible to stay numb because I felt like I had to hold out hope where there was none. I’ve done things since you’ve been gone that make me question who I even am. Maybe that’s my fault. You shouldn’t account for my happiness, but you do. Am I crazy for feeling this way?”
“No. There are only two times when I’m happy. One is when I’m holding Phillip. The other is when I think about what we used to have. I’m stuck in the past, too. I don’t want to leave either. I fake it well. Richard and my mother think I’m happy, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Something’s missing, and I know in my heart that it’s you. We can’t do anything about it, though. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but leaving my husband for another man, even if it’s you, isn’t going to be one of them.”
“I agree. I don’t want to break up a marriage. Actually, that’s not true. A part of me wants to ask you to leave him right now and love you every day of our lives. I know I can’t do that, though. I’ve got to be better. I can’t stoop that low, and when I go back to Miami, I’ve got to get my life in order. I need to find my own happiness.”
“I agree. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Eric. I probably need to get back to my mother’s. I dropped Phillip off a little while ago so I could come out here. It probably shows how stuck in the past I am when I still come out here and talk to my dad from time to time. Although, if I’m being honest, I was hoping you would show up eventually.”
“I’m glad I did, and it’s a good thing that you still come here. Whatever you do, Olivia, don’t ever change. I love you just the way you are. If the girl I met so long ago ever ceases to exist, that will be the worst tragedy I can think of. I guess this is goodbye.”
“For now. We probably shouldn’t ever see each other after this, but I have a feeling that we’ll cross paths again,” she said.
Before I could even think about what I was doing, I leaned in. It was as if my body was moving on instinct. If I might not see Olivia again, I had to at least get one last goodbye kiss. She didn’t stop it. When our lips met, I transitioned our soft kiss into a much deeper one. I was hoping against everything that was real that somehow she would feel something in this last kiss that made her say don’t go. Maybe she would stop me. Maybe we could have the life I always dreamed of. It wasn’t meant to be, though. When we pulled back, I said the only thing I could.
“I love you now, and I always will, no matter what changes.”
“I love you, too, but you’ve got to go now. If you don’t, I’m going to ask you to stay.”
“Then ask.”
“Please, if you care about me, go. I love you, but we both know our paths are different. Don’t make me choose what I know is wrong, even if every part of me says it’s right.”
“Okay. I won’t, even if every part of me wants to. Goodbye, Olivia,” I said and got out of the car.
She put the car in gear and started backing out. I just couldn’t let things go, though. I needed to, but it felt like every part of my mind was screaming out for me to say something, anything, that would leave the door open for us down the line. I stepped in front of her car just as she was about to drive off. Then I stood beside the window and spoke straight from the heart.
“Olivia, this is wrong in every way. You’re not supposed to drive away now. I know you feel like you don’t have a choice and that nothing I say will change your mind, but I’m making you a promise right now. Somewhere down the line, our paths will align, and neither of us will be able to resist making each other a permanent part of our lives. There are a million reasons to say we can’t be together anymore and only one that says we should hold onto each other and never let go. That one reason is enough to make me know that you are my destiny, though. I’m never happy unless I’m laughing with you, kissing your lips, or thinking of the memories we’ve made. You’re my purpose here, and I think deep down you know that I’m yours. There won’t be true happiness for either of us until we’re together permanently. I can’t wait for the day we actually see that happen.”
“I hope you’re right, Eric. I don’t see how it’s possible now, though. I’ve complicated things too much to fix it.”
“You haven’t complicated anything that I can’t fix. I promise.”
“I want to believe you. I think I’ll choose to. Sometimes a lie is the only way to keep from crying,” she said with tears in her eyes.
“It’s not a lie. We’ll meet again, and everything will be different then,” I said and gave her a last kiss. Then she drove away.
It was over for then. I had to put it behind me until I could find a way to make a very complicated situation into a manageable one. Honestly, I didn’t really believe I could find a way to make things right, but I just had a feeling. From the first time I saw Olivia, I knew that she was my destiny. That knowledge hadn’t changed. I didn’t know how yet, but things were going to be all right.
I got back into my car and drove home with a mixture of emotions. I felt sad because our lives were on hold, but at the same time, I felt more determined than ever to find a way to make things work out for both of us at the end. It was clear that she loved me, and that was enough to make me know that we could still be together. I had hope.
As the day started to wind down, my aunt and uncle got home, and we spent some time together. After Aunt Kristen had gone to bed, I sat up with Uncle Gary for a while. He talked to me about something that I didn’t quite understand back then, but now it makes a lot of sense.
“I want to ask you something. Kristen told me what you two talked about when you got in. Are you okay? I know you really loved Olivia,” he said.
“I don’t know what I am. I’m sad for sure, but I’m still hopeful.”
“Hopeful for what?”
“That we’ll be together eventually. Maybe I’m just delusional, and this is going to sound crazy, but I think my purpose in life is tied to her. I can’t prove that, but there are some things you just know. Does that make any sense?”
“It does. I can’t say for sure if that’s a delusion or the truth, but if you truly believe it, you shouldn’t doubt it. You also shouldn’t act on that feeling, though.”
“Why not? I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. We all have. Ending up with her is the one thing I can think of that couldn’t be wrong, even if I had to do some bad things to get there.”
“You would be breaking up a family. That’s wrong on every level.”
“I guess you’re right. I met with her today.”
“How did that go?”
“She said she was sorry. Olivia had decided to break up with Richard and call me right before she found out she was pregnant. Richard embraced the idea of being a dad, and she knew that I had a lot of promising things going on in Miami, so she decided not to pursue her feelings for me. She gave him his dream of a life with her and left me to my dreams.”
“As she should have.”
“She also said that s
he still loves me. We can’t be together right now, though. I know that. Still, I can’t help but feel that this isn’t the end of our story.”
“Take some advice from someone who has been on this earth a lot longer than you. Do nothing, but be ready to do whatever it takes.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It’s simple. She has a family now, and you can’t break that up. You’re a better person than that. If she doesn’t love Richard, though, it won’t last long. Go about your life as if your chance with her is over. Live, and find someone who makes you happy, but be ready to revisit all of this if the opportunity presents itself and you aren’t happy with your own life by then.”
“How will I even know when I can make a move?”
“I’ll tell you. I live right across the road from her mother, and word travels fast around here. When and if things go south for their family, I’ll call you. I’ve got to tell you that all of this seems wrong, though. You do realize that your whole plan will be contingent on someone else’s family falling apart, right?”
“I know it’s wrong, but do you remember what you told me so long ago about always being able to live with the wrong you do?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I can live with getting the girl I always should have been with, even if it’s done the wrong way.”
“Don’t forget the second part to what I taught you. Even if we can live with the guilt and destruction that our actions cause, we also have to live with the consequences. I would hate to see things go south for you and you not be able to live with it.”
“I don’t understand. What couldn’t I live with in that situation?”
“It’s not just that situation. You’ve been doing the wrong thing in Miami for some questionable but still decent reasons. What if that catches up to you? It could throw all of your plans off. Then there’s Olivia. Let’s say that she did decide to leave him for you one day. This isn’t high school. She’s a man’s wife now. People have killed for love. You’ll be making a lifetime enemy and destroying a person, as well as a family. Can you live with that, and even if you do, what kind of position will it put you in?”
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