by HJ Bellus
My phone goes off in the other room. I ignore it and head for a hot shower. The water is punishing and the only thing that makes my tears disappear. Drying off, I stare at my bed covered in job applications and pamphlets about different cities across the United States. Darby’s told me she’s not leaving here and I’m still uncertain about her connection, but don’t have it in me to pry about it. Each day is a struggle to get out of bed and survive.
My phone goes off again, making me cringe. Zane hasn’t reached out, but my parents have been vicious about getting me back in their claws. I notice it’s Anna calling and drop everything, even my train of thought to get to it.
“Hello.”
“Hey Sweetie, it’s time. I think you need to get over here.”
“On my way.”
I don’t waste time with saying good-bye or asking any questions. I toss on some shorts and a dirty shirt and race over to the house that stole my heart. Fear like none other attacks me as I walk into the quiet house. The stench of death lingers in the air. My knees grow weak and I’m not sure I’m ready for this.
When I open the door, he’s at his grandpa’s side holding his hand with his head hung low. The overwhelming sound of him fighting for his next breath guts everything left I have inside of me. Anna walks up behind me and guides me to the other side of the bed with her hand on the small of my back.
In a quiet voice, she speaks, “He needs to know the both of you are here and he can go.”
She steps back, leaving Zane and I on each side of him. I kiss his forehead and then whisper, “I love you.”
Zane finally lifts his head to look up at me. His eyes are red and swollen, with tears streaming down his face. I’ve seen him tear up, but never let go of his emotions. Now, he sits before me crying tears that rip my heart out. I break our eye contact, not being able to handle everything right now.
I sit on the side of the bed clutching to Grandpa’s hand and then rearrange his blue blanket over his body.
“I can’t lose him.”
Zane’s words are broken into several different sounds. I’m still madly in love with the man, but not ready or in a state of mind to go to him. Grandpa squeezes my hand, diverting all my attention to him. His eyes barely open. His fiery blue eyes are barely a dull grey. He tries to talk several times but nothing comes out.
“It’s okay, Grandpa, we’re here with you.”
He shakes his head from side to side, sending all the monitors in high alert when he begins gasping for air. Zane wraps his arm around his Grandpa’s head and then lays his face next to his on the white pillow.
“Don’t ever…” He pauses, mustering up enough energy to get his next few words out. “Give up on love.”
His body begins convulsing with his eyes rolling back in his bed.
“Anna.” I turn to her. “Do something.”
The tears cascade from my eyes and a deep panic sets in. “Help him. Do something!” I scream.
Anna’s calm spirit fills the room. “It’s time, sweetie. I can’t do anything.”
“Fuck this,” Zane growls and lifts his grandpa from the bed. He cradles him to his chest and sits back down in the rocker.
I climb over the bed and hug Grandpa’s side near me. He begins to slowly calm down with the convulsion barely lingering, but it’s the awful sound of him drowning in his own fluid that fills the room.
“You two fight just like I fought this cancer.” His voice comes out calm and steady. Grandpa glances to Zane and then to me.
“No, no, no,” Zane cries out, dropping his head to his grandpa’s forehead. “No.”
Anna’s hands gently squeeze my shoulders, providing me some sort of comfort. My hand reaches down to Zane’s, who is holding his grandpa and I clutch it, intertwining our fingers.
Grandpa’s last words were his final stand here on Earth. Minutes float by as his breathing becomes shallow and the monitors buzz, causing a ruckus. Anna finally turns them off and leaves the room. The only sign of life is his chest barely moving.
Zane keeps his face to his grandpa’s, letting his tears fall onto him. I take a second to take him in and barely recognize the man sitting before me. He’s lost so much weight and is pale. The anguish of his life is tattooed permanently on his skin.
“Ava, I’m so sorry.” He doesn’t lift his head to look up to me. “I should’ve told you everything. It was only for money and that’s it. I felt dirty enough around you and couldn’t bear to expose the whole truth. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
It’s the only words we speak to each other while we sit and watch a man die. When Grandpa inhales his final breath and his poor body gives into the cancer, Zane lets out wild and painful screams of hurt and then sits back in his chair, holding onto his grandpa and rocking him.
Anna watches from the doorway with Rhett behind her. He has tears streaming down his face as well with his ball cap at his side. Watching the man I love lose everything right in front of me strips me bare. I’m exposed, sitting on the edge of the bed, empty.
I finally have to force myself to get up from the bed and leave, knowing there’s no longer a place for me in this house. Rhett goes to Zane and tries to help him let go, but he refuses. I glance back at him, holding to the frame of the door for one last time. Zane’s screams continue to fill the house as I walk out to my car. I drop my head to the steering wheel, trying to fill my lungs with oxygen. But in the end, I finally start up my car and drive back to my house.
“I’m going over to Zane’s to ride with him and Rhett to the cemetery.” Darby finishes putting the last curl in my hair. “Want to go?”
I shake my head side to side and then let her apply a light layer of make-up on me. Darby’s done fighting with me and trying to help me. She gives up easily and leaves quietly once she has my dress laid out and everything else done. I haven’t been able to function the last few days or even sleep. Every single time my eyes close, I hear Zane and then can’t sleep.
I run my fingers over the simple and silky black summer dress before putting it on. All happiness and hope has evaporated from my life, leaving despair bouncing around in my empty soul. The drive to the cemetery is short. I have a hard time finding a spot to park and finally give in on parking in the back.
The sound of my flat sandals hitting the paved path hurts me. It hurts with each step of nearing the burial site. Several groups of people surround the area. It doesn’t shock me knowing that Grandpa touched so many hearts.
“Ava.”
I jump back, a bit startled by the voice since I’m still a good one hundred yards away.
“I need you.”
I finally spot Zane sitting up against the base of a large oak tree with his knees tucked to his chest. His eyes are still swollen and red. It seems all of his tears have dried up, just leaving behind despair. I kneel before him and take his hand without saying a word and guide him up to stand on his feet. I clutch his other hand and remain silent, letting him know that I’ll be here for him today.
His eyes focus on my lower stomach and he drops a hand running it over the swollen part. I can only manage a weak nod and watch Zane mimic the same nod. Not even Darby knows. He drops his forehead to mine and keeps his hand over our baby growing inside of me.
After several minutes, we begin walking over to the gravesite. I keep his hand gripped in mine with each step and take the seat next to him in the front row. An awe-inspiring casket sits before us. The dark mahogany wood trimmed in gold has a US flag draped over it and a spray of flowers.
Everyone takes their seats as the pastor begins the beautiful service, dedicating each of his words to the beautiful man we lost. Others get up and give short talks about their fond memories of Zane’s grandpa and each story involves him. Nurses and doctors from the hospital also talk of the fighter and how he inspired each of their lives.
Nobody else gets up to talk and I nudge Zane, but he just shakes his head. I drop his hand and stand up on shaky legs, not even sure if I have it in m
e to go up there, but with each step I discover the courage I developed this summer. My voice shakes with the first few words and tears threaten. Zane stares at my belly, never making eye contact.
“I had the privilege of meeting Zane’s grandpa this summer. I know he has a first name, but to me he’s Grandpa. In just the short time I knew him, he loved me more deeply than my own family members. I come from a family only worried about their image and nothing else.” I fiddle with my fingers for a second, grounding my thoughts. “It was a true honor taking care of him and being welcomed into his house. What Grandpa gave me is priceless.”
I pause and stare at Zane until he looks back up at me and I know my message isn’t lost on him.
“His final words to me and Zane were to fight. We all know he fought with passion to beat cancer, he fought to raise an amazing grandson, and he fought to leave his legacy behind. I’ll never give up on something worth fighting for and I thank you, Grandpa.”
The tears finally win the war and muffle my last few words. I drag my hand down the casket, letting the cool smooth wood burn into the palm of my hand. I stumble a bit walking back to my seat. Zane is up and has my hand in his, guiding me back to my chair.
The rest of the service flies by in a blur. Zane and I remain silent. I stay by his side, holding his hand as friends from the community come and give him a hug and cards. The workers, Rhett, Darby, Zane and I are the only ones left at the gravesite.
It’s finally time to let go of his hand. The action guts me more than I thought it would. When our palms disconnect, I don’t say a word and walk to my car. Zane never calls after me and it’s an action I appreciate.
26
Zane
“You two irritate the fucking hell out of me!”
I do my best to ignore Darby, taking a pull of my beer.
“Are you both that bullheaded and won’t go to each other?”
“I’m giving Ava time.”
“You know she's leaving, right?” Darby stands up on the porch and tosses her plate in the trash. “She's leaving town says there's nothing left for her here.”
Rhett finally speaks up, trying to silence the animal in Darby. “Let them be, Darby. They'll find a way back to each other.”
Darby slams her hand down on the glass patio table, causing it to rattle.
“You have to fight for what you want, right Zane? This shit doesn’t just happen out of thin air. You heard her saying she still loves you, so go to her.”
I’ve heard all that I need to hear and I’m quite frankly sick and tired of Darby trying to interfere with my life. Ava made it perfectly clear that she could be there for me and my grandpa and she was.
The strength she gave me at the gravesite was something I didn’t expect, but I needed. I never would’ve had the courage to leave the base of the tree and walk to the site were my grandpa would be laid to rest forever. She gave me the strength and the courage to face it. Just like she did making me face my past and actually feeling worthy of being loved. There’s not much more that I can do.
Deep down, I believe that Ava knows I’m sorry, but the hurt and pain I inflicted on her will take time for her to get over. The whinnying of a horse draws my attention and I glance over to the new horse on the farm. She’s different than Grandpa’s old horses. The black beauty. Shiny black hair with a gorgeous mane and a long tail that drags on the ground. It’s Lola.
I found out where she was and then bought her. It’s not an action of love or a stunt to get her back, but a selfish reason. It’s a piece of Ava on the farm that I’ll always have.
Her dad is such is selfish motherfucker making it easy to find the horse. He gave it to one of the stable managers for his daughter’s birthday. Sold his daughter’s pride and joy because it no longer suited him. He crushed her. The stable manager, Rick, was more than happy to sell the horse to me knowing that one day Ava may reconnect with her. He went on about what a great kid Ava was and her connection with that horse.
A nasty thought late at night in bed attacks me nightly. I realized I crushed Ava’s soul just like her father did and that simple fact makes it hard to live in my own skin. I know I was the playboy of the town, I was one of the dirty boys, but Ava made me forget it. She made me a better person, and the person I always wanted to be.
But when I was exposed for the man behind Zane Rivers, dirty does not even begin to describe the way I’ve felt since that moment.
My phone vibrates on that glass tabletop and I barely hear it over Darby and Rhett arguing back and forth. Those two fuckers are in desperate need of talking to a counselor ASAP. I chuckle at me of all people judging a couple and mentally recommending counseling.
I pick up my phone and see it’s a text from an unknown number. When I open text, a picture pops up on the screen.
And I drop my phone to the ground.
“What’s wrong, man?” Rhett asks. I feel all the blood rush out of my face and down to my feet. I bend over and pick it up to see Oliver’s blond face smiling back and next to him is a sleeping Ava. Her cheeks are flushed and her brown hair spread over her pillow. My phone vibrates again and another picture lights up my screen. This one more graphic. His hand’s down her pants and all of her parts are exposed. Picture after picture flood my phone and all them are of her exposed. Oliver’s fucking grin in each one.
Darby’s phone goes off about the same time.
“Hello.”
I don’t know who’s on the other end, but all I hear is Darby’s worried voice.
“Stay there. Call the cops. I’m on my way.”
“What’s going on?” I demand.
“It’s Ava. She said someone broke into the house. Her room is trashed, window broken…”
“That motherfucker I’m going to kill him.”
I sprint to the truck with Darby and Rhett on my heels and try to fill them in. I don’t have the courage to tell them what kind of pictures I was sent.
I dial the number a few times and finally get an answer on the third try.
Oliver’s voice answers on the other end.
“Where the fuck are you?”
“Oh, did I finally get your attention, Zane Rivers?”
“Don’t you dare touch her. I’m going to slit your fucking throat.”
“You know what Zane Rivers? It took me a long time to figure out what you truly cared about. I’ve watched for years and grown agitated because you didn’t give a shit about anything. I thought your grandpa being diagnosed with cancer and you watching him have to die would be my ticket to revenge, but nope, in popped Ava Livingston. Little Miss Ava; you care more about her than anything else in your life.”
“Where in the hell are you?” I listen intently for background noises, making sure he doesn’t have her now.
“Guess my years of patience have finally paid off. Now I get to sit back and watch you go through hell.”
“Come at me. Not her.”
“See, Zane Rivers, that’s the beauty of it. I’m going to destroy you. Oh and no wonder your face has been planted between her legs all summer. She tastes like fucking honey.”
He ends the call and I toss my phone at the front window. “I think the fucker is still there. Call the cops, Darby.”
“I did.”
“Ava’s pregnant, you guys. Nothing can happen to her.”
“What?”
I ignore Darby’s question and slide sideways in front of their house. The front window is busted and the front door wide open. I race up the sidewalk and into the house.
“Shhhhh.” Oliver holds a finger to his lips. “Ava is sleeping.”
“Where is she, Oliver?” I begin frantically screaming her name and busting through doors, but it’s not until he steps away from the chair that I see her slumped over in a ball.
“Ava!” I scream louder and try to go to her.
Oliver pulls out a long shiny knife and I feel both Rhett and Darby slam into my back.
“You still don’t know who I am, do you, Za
ne?”
“You’re a dead man walking, motherfucker.”
“I don’t believe we’ve ever been formerly introduced. Your parents and mine knew each other.” He takes a moment, scrubbing his chin. “Wait, I wouldn’t call it know each other, but your parents killed mine.”
Silence rings around the house, Oliver slides his knife back in his pocket, and smiles. “I crawled in their blood for a night and then was shipped off to shitty foster homes.”
The sounds of sirens begin to fill the house.
“I only gave her a sleeping pill, Zane, but know this, I will fucking haunt you until the day I die.”
Footsteps pounding down the sidewalk don’t phase me. I lunge forward and begin beating the fuck out of Oliver. Rhett pulls me off him and officers swarm in. I don’t quit punching, losing all sense of control. I have someone down beating the living fuck out of them. Officers pull me up and slam me against a wall.
I had another officer and Rhett down on the ground beating the shit out of them.
Darby begins screaming and trying to get the officer’s attention. Oliver has vanished into thin air.
My hands are pulled behind my back and the cold metal cuffs clink together. Darby continues to scream and the officers look at her like she’s crazy. The demanding one steps up, silencing everyone. And that’s when Darby explains the whole story. The dickhead officer standing behind me has my arms pulled back so tight I feel my shoulders begin to dislocate.
I don’t want to move and I don’t want to take my eyes off Ava.
“Please help her. He gave her something and she’s pregnant.”
An officer calls for an ambulance and then I’m tugged back even further. Ava raises her head right before I’m out the door and hollers my name.
“Zane!”
“Ava, I’m here.”
She screams my name louder with panic lacing her voice.
“Ava, baby I’m here. Stay with Rhett. He’ll take care of you.” Her eyes finally make contact with me and I can tell she’s in a daze and not quite sure what’s going on. But all she sees me doing is backing up out of the house.