by Yvette Hines
“Auntie, I need to go. I really can’t talk to you right now,” she babbled on as she stood over the cordless phone dock. “Like my momma told you, I’m not coming home.” Ever she wanted to add, but didn’t.
“But--”
“Bye.” Not giving her aunt a chance to say another word she hung up.
* * *
“Hello, Dad.” Evan walked into his father’s room, seeing Angelique the fill in nurse making notes in his father’s chart. Earlier when he’d got in from Zoey’s he’d showered, napped and then gone out to play an early game of basketball with Tre at the gym. Now, he was showered again and dressed, ready to spend the day with Zoey.
“What do you want?” He barely glanced away from the old western playing on the television to acknowledge him.
The Hispanic nurse, glanced back at the two of them, then she picked up her binder and headed for the door. “I will give you two some privacy. If you need me, push your button, Mr. Douglas.”
“Trust me, Angelique, I’d rather you say and he leave.”
Giving his father a small smile, the nurse continued on her way.
“I was thinking that while I’m out, maybe I’d pick you up some new house shoes. I noticed your other ones look a little frayed and thin.”
“Why I’m not going anywhere.” His returned his gaze back to the television.
“Maybe if you tried to walk--”
“I said I’m not going anywhere,” his father barked.
Evan closed the door with a snap. That got him a sharp look from his father, but still James remained quiet.
“There’s something I want to discuss with you.” It had been years, since he was a boy that he shared the things going on in his life, but he knew this situation was different.
“What, you decided to man up and get back in the military?”
“No. Matter fact, even if I wanted to, which I don’t, it is not so easy nowadays to re-enter after you exit.”
“Hm. Then our discussion is done.” His father shifted his dull hazel gaze back to the television taking the remote in hand he turned it up.
“No it isn’t.” Evan walked to the television and turned the sound down.
His father promptly turned it back up. “Don’t touch my TV.”
Evan pushed the power button. “Then listen.”
When his dad aimed the remote again to turn it back on, Evan reached behind the stand and unplugged it.
“What the fuckin’ hell did you do that fo--”
“Damn it, Dad, can you just give me five minutes of your time!” Evan threw his hands up, pissed at his father’s selfish act.
Angry, James tossed the remote to the foot of the bed. “Fine, you have my forced attention. What?”
Shoving his hand through his hair, Evan exhaled slowly attempting to calm himself. “I like Zoey.”
“So do I.” His father shrugged.
Dropping his arm, he stared at his father. “I really like her, as in I’m interested in dating her and seeing where things go.”
His father’s gaze narrowed as he stared at him with squinted eyes. “She’s my nurse. I don’t want you fooling around with her so she can’t do her job.”
“That’s not going to happen. She and I both agreed that when she’s in the house, your health is her priority. We both want you better.”
What makes you think she’d even think about going out with a weak, soft man like you? A commercial pilot, hm.”
“I’m not Derek, dad. I will never be. Remember you have another son, his name is Evan.”
His dad turned his head and stared blankly at the window, however with the curtains drawn, Evan knew his father was just doing it to try and ignore his words.
Evan continued, “I can’t keep living Derek’s life. I’m tired of trying for your approval.”
“You want my approval. Being Special Forces in the Air Force was honorable.”
“Well, some civilians think that it’s just as damn important for them and their loved ones to arrive to places safely. Not to mention, let’s not forget that there are commercial aircrafts and pilots contracted to fly a lot of military soldiers to the desert. All honorable.”
That shut his father up for a moment. However, Evan didn’t believe for a moment that he’d changed the old goats mind.
Shaking his head, he said, “I just wanted you to know about Zoey and me.”
“Fine.” His father still didn’t turn and look at him.
Prepared to walk out the door, Evan pivoted, but then something his father said struck him and he shifted back to him approaching the foot of his bed. “You have no problem in calling me weak, but look at you. Balled up in your bed, refusing to even try and strengthen your body to walk.”
His father whipped his head around, shooting visual darts at him. “I served for twenty-five years in the military just like my old man, and his old, man and his old man. I have the right to do what I like…when I like.”
Evan tossed his head back and laughed then he swiped the remote from the foot of the bed. Marching over to the television stand and slammed the device down, he said, “Then the next time you want your remote, prove how strong you are and get your ass up from that bed and get it your damn self.”
Evan exited the room, leaving the door wide as his father threw a tantrum, yelling and scream. “You’re no son. You’re an ass.”
“If that were true than I’d be more of a son to you than I am now.” Breezing passed the shocked nurse who was standing in the middle of the living room with her mouth gaping wide; Evan continued moving until he was out of the house.
His father could rot in the tomb masquerading as a home for all he cared.
Chapter Nine
“You may want to change your shoes.” Evan said when she opened the door after he’d given her one of his heated looks, reminding her that he knew exactly what was located beneath her clothing now.
Heat seared her cheeks, but she gave him and his v-neck sweater and jeans the same look her memory replaying very well. Stepping back, she waved him in. “Why, do I need to change? You don’t like them?” Zoey looked down at her ankle boots.
“I love them. But, you might need more comfortable shoes, like the walking distance kind.”
She eyed him. “Why? Where are we going?”
Pulling her into his arms, he said, “I thought we could have lunch at the zoo.”
“In Asheboro?” She couldn’t hold back her excitement.
“That one. You okay with that, it may be a little chilly.”
“I haven’t been there yet. I’ll grab a thicker coat.” She started to turn and leave his arms.
“Wait.” He kissed her slow and gentle on the mouth, different from the powerful kisses he usually bestowed on her.
When the kiss was completed, he said, “Now you can go.”
Pausing for a moment, she stared at him, noticing that the clouds were back in his eyes again. She hoped that what had happened between them last night wasn’t the cause. “Everything okay?”
“It’s perfect.” Giving her a peck on her cheek, he stepped back. “Now change your shoes so we can head out.”
Still not sure about the emotions she could see swirling through his gaze, she hesitantly turned and went to her room.
* * *
“Did something happen today?” She asked him as they ate hotdogs while they strolled through the Rocky Coast section of the zoo grounds.
Evan stopped before the harbor seal tank as he finished off his last bite of his dog. Leaning against the rail he stared down at the animals as they paid the two of them no mind. The few other people who had been in the area moved on since the feeding time production was over.
Zoey stood beside him, silent and giving him space to collect his thoughts or decide to tell her to piss off. If he did she would know that this thing that was happening between them was only sexual. She’d hate to discover that but it would be the truth and easier to guard her own feelings.
“I
’ve told you before that my mother and I were really close. My father and my relationship was okay, but he had Derek by his side who enjoyed all the things that he believed were important. So, he didn’t truly care that his oldest son was more of the intellectual sort and he left me to my aviation studies. Not even after mom passed.” He bowed his head further, stared at the wall below the railing then looked at her.
Zoey could see that his hazel eyes were browner in color now, the green flecks almost completely swallowed up. She understood now more than she did in the time they’d been around each that this man was carrying a weight that one day could possibly consume him--grief.
When he stared off again, she leaned in beside him and said, “Tell me about your brother’s death. Please, Evan.”
“Over eleven years ago, now. Eleven long years. He shouldn’t have been there.”
The sorrow in his voice almost tore out her heart. However, she didn’t offer him physical comfort, just stayed beside him and waited.
“My brother was Security Force Special Ops. Had been in the military for years working in a covert division of a joint military task force. My dad was so proud of him. When we all came home for holidays the two of them would spend hours…days even sitting in the garage just talking. I come from a long line of military men, that was what we did; our heritage. That summer my brother came to visit me. We were close even though my father didn’t understand why. Derek still looked up to me and would ask for advice on stuff.”
He paused as a family came by the exhibit and chatted about the seals as they sipped hot cocoa, soon the youngest went running off along the trail and they all trotted off behind him.
“What did Derek want advice about?” Zoey prompted, knowing that it was time for Evan to get this out.
“A woman.” He smiled for a moment then it was gone. “He’d been dating her for almost a year, off and on. He’d met her through one of his buddies, a sister. The woman lived in New York because of her job; international contracting. Derek wanted to propose to her. I convinced him to take her to the Empire State Building. My mom had always been a sap for romantic movies. I figured women dug that kind of thing. You know something special to tell their friends about.”
When he stopped this time he pushed away from the rail and just walked into the opening making random patterns. She wondered if he were fighting back tears but when he looked in her direction his face was dry, his eyes clear.
“Where did she work?” Zoey had a sinking feeling in her heart.
“The World Trade Center. That’s why he was there. I told him…surprise her. Show up at her job and convince her to go with you.” He started shaking his head over and over again; he was doing it so hard she became worried that he may crack.
Tossing her unfinished lunch into the trash she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. His hold on her became fierce, almost suffocating tight, but she took it. Took the pain. Took his pain as he buried his face in the side of her neck.
She was grateful for the cold winter day as no one else came by, leaving them in peace.
“Evan it’s not your fault. Not your fault.”
“I should have told him to wait until she got off or had her meet him there,” he words came out practically in a growl.
“Things happen as they should, we don’t always understand it.” That was something her mother always told her.
“But, why Derek?”
“Why so many others.” She was now crying as she’d done that day at the hospital staring at the screen in the waiting room, as everyone else around the world did in shock.
“Then why not me?” His hold slackened but he still kept her close. “I was supposed to fly jump seat that day on Flight 93, but another pilot got sick so I took an earlier flight out to cover his route.”
They moved back towards the eatery and sat down at one of the outside tables. It was then that she noticed the water at the corner of his eyes trying to fall but he held it at bay.
“It wasn’t your time.” Across the table, she grabbed one of his hands and held it in her own.
“My father wishes it had been, even told me so when I had to be the one to go home and tell him. I was Derek’s emergency contact for the military. My dad had no clue until I came home three days later.” His thumb brushed the back of her hand.
She had never felt so out of her zone as she did at that moment. She knew that this family had scars that ran deep but she’d never understood the magnitude. “What did you do?”
“Gave my thirty day notice at work and joined the military. I just wanted to give my dad his real son back. I went in enlisted as security forces and eventually got into special ops. I saw things I can never erase from my mind, but none of it surpassed knowing what I did to my brother.”
Lifting his hand up to her mouth she kissed the back of it. “You didn’t do anything to him. Nor can you live his life for him.”
“I know. I tried. Then I became angry because I hated every minute of it. Even though I knew my father was finally proud of me. When I’d come home, he’d look at me with the same loving gaze in his eyes that was only reserved for Derek. But, I couldn’t do it. As I neared my halfway point I knew I had two choices, get out or stay. I’d been miserable for long enough and I just wanted to be happy.”
This time when he looked at her, she saw a different emotion other than grief but she couldn’t put her finger on it.
“Your dad will either have to learn to live with it or he won’t. However, for what it’s worth I think you made the right decision.”
He nodded, she didn’t know if that meant that he agreed with what she said or that he was still wrestling with it in his mind.
“So, how does a man deal with so much built up emotion and degradation.”
“I felt close to losing my mind.” He exhaled and rose; pulling her along with him. “Maybe one day I’ll tell you. Right now, let’s get some hot cocoa and finish this walk before the zoo closes.”
“I will hold you too that.”
* * *
The week passed and Christmas grew closer as she and Evan fell into a routine. They kept their relationship to porch side discussion and late night movies while she was at the house. When their off day coincided they spent it at her apartment, making love, going on dates and enjoying getting to know each other. She knew Mr. Douglas, her patient, was not happy about it, but neither she nor Evan allowed it to dampen their mood.
Deciding since she was going to be spending Christmas day with Evan and James that the house needed decorating for the holiday. One day she searched the garage and located a box with holiday lights and a fake tree that had seen better days. Most of the bulbs were cracked or missing and the tree limbs were dusky and badly bent. Instead she found a company that delivered a fresh one and got that one ordered and up. Mr. Douglas even allowed her to play Christmas music during his therapy sessions, he said that it drown out the pain Lily put him through.
Her only concern was that even though his health was improving Mr. Douglas still refused to put any effort into walking or using his right hand.
One day while on the phone with Evan she had expressed to him that if his father did all the things he was supposed to do, he wouldn’t need around the clock care and could live a more productive life.
“I’ll take care of it,” he said
* * *
“Hello, Dad.” Evan arrived home two days later after talking to Zoey one night about his dad and the lack of progress. The angry words and snide comments between the two of them had calmed down over the last few weeks, but his father was still in the same rut.
“Evan. Tell Teresa to stop making me eat this shredded rat food, I want oatmeal.” His father, in blue seersucker pajamas, was leaning back against his pillow with a frown.
It was the expression James often wore when Zoey was off.
“I’ll let her know when we’re done.” Evan moved deeper into the room, still in his uniform with a package in his hand.
“You will have to DVR it, because Lily will be here in thirty minutes for your session.”
“Call her and cancel it.”
Lifting and eyebrow he stared at his father. “That is not going to happen.”
Evan set the package on his father’s lap.
“What’s this?” He scowled at the blue wrapped package as if he expected a snake to pop out of it.
“An early Christmas present. Open it.” Evan crossed his arms over his chest.
“I think I’d rather wait until Christmas,” his father grumbled.
“Then I’ll do it.” Before his father could object, he unwrapped the gift and pulled out the item inside.
“How are you going to open another man’s gift? And I told you I didn’t want any new house shoes I’m not going anywhere.”
Tossing the package into the small trash can, Evan smiled at his dad. “Oh, but you are.” Evan played a game of tug of war with his father and the cover until finally he pulled it out of his dad’s single handed grasp.
“No, I’m not.” His father banged his fist against the bed.
Evan shoved his father’s feet into the shoes, then went across the room and got the walker that Lily had brought over last week. On his way by the TV he unplugged it again.
“Why’d you do that?”
“You want John Wayne then you show me you’re willing to be at least half the man you used to be and try to walk, partner.” After he removed his coat and tossed it on to the rail at the foot of his dad’s hospital bed, Evan scooped his dad up and set him behind the walker.
“Teresa, help me, the man is mad!” his father bellowed.
“You want Teresa, let’s go get her, dad.” Gently, so as not to hurt his dad he straightened out his arm and helped his father wrap his fingers of his right hand on the bar of the walker as he held him up from behind.
“Why can’t you just leave me in peace?”
“Because even though you’re an ass I love you. You’re my dad and all I have left.”
There was no response.