by Lucy Ellmann
What’s it Really Like to Have a Body?
A BIG RESPONSIBILITY! Always looking where you’re GOING, trying not to get WET or RUN OVER. The best moments are mid-orgasm, or when you feel NOTHING. The rest of the time you’re ON CALL, the caretaker doing the rounds, making sure everything’s all right and you haven’t blown a FUSE or something.
You register every sensation in case it means TROUBLE: odd vibrations, stirrings in the gut, a shrill ringing in the ears (or POPS or CLICKS, or a long BEEP), fleeting twinges in the wrist, knees or ankles, a BUZZING (?) in the genitals, blood, pus, blemishes of any kind. We live in constant fear of PAIN: kidney pain, breast pain, groin pain, abdominal pain, pain in the neck, pain in the ASS, headaches, earache, toothache, sore eyes, sore feet. And WEIRDNESS: sneezing, itching, oozing, twitching, throbbing, shrinking, swelling, collapses of any kind.
You spend a lot of time looking at OTHER PEOPLE’S bodies, FORGETTING your own. But it needs TENDING, so much tending! Having a body is a MASSIVE UNDERTAKING. You try to keep it happy and healthy, warm or cool (according to taste), give it plenty of food, sex, baths, rest, haircuts. But it’s such a PALAVER, no? All these NEEDS and FUNCTIONS and DESIRES. The body demands so much!
And then there’s all the CLOTHING of the body that must go on, since it’s ILLEGAL or TABOO or at least EMBARRASSING to be naked. The body is an ANACHRONISM – we can hardly bear to admit that it exists! So out you go, traipsing your body round the shops to buy SHOES for it and undies and all the other stuff, the trousers, kilts and dresses, the jackets, ties and T-shirts, summer winter spring and fall. The mothballs alone required to keep this operation going! And then there’s all the make-up and jewellery and deodorants you need to MASK the body (or show it off), the shampoo and nailclippers and nail varnish and nail polish REMOVAL PADS, the Elastoplasts and sunblock and soap, the pumice stones and SWARFEGA. The body is so NEEDY. How it LUSTS for its acne gel and ASSHOLE cream, its PeptoBismol. Sucks down its glucosamine and echinacea and vitamins by the score, and still it wants more!
The TATTOOS, the massages, the swimsuits, hats, coats, scarves, gloves and NAME-TAGS, and a mobile phone so you can be contacted wherever your stupid body happens to BE. Olbas Oil, Vick’s Vapo-Rub, Q-Tips, Tampax, Kleenex, DEFLATINE. The products, PRODUCTS, designed to save you! Lumbar cushions too, iron lungs, artificial limbs, steel rods in the SPINE, new hips, new knees – it all adds up. Trusses, corsetry, condoms, bondage gear, stilettos six inches high in the heel! Asthma inhalers, defibrillators, sphygmo-manometers, ultrasound scanners and X-ray machines. Padded INSOLES.
Fold-up stool, watercolour kit, binoculars, galoshes, thermos, camera, ACTION. A comb, a new TOOTHBRUSH every three months. Leather items. Nipple ornament of some kind. Car keys (CAR). House keys (HOUSE). Garden. Dog or cat. Tables, chairs, bed, TV, radio, CD player, COMPUTER, personal organiser (and/or SPOUSE). Kettle, stove, fridge, washing machine, ironing board (IRON), CLEANING AGENTS, pots and pans. Board games (BOREDOM), playing cards, Monopoly, chess set, piano perhaps. Stamps, envelopes, pens, pencils, scissors, Sellotape, recipes. A copy of Jane Eyre. Laundry basket (LAUNDRY), trash bags (TRASH), sticky sucky yucky stinky old rubber shower mat. Doctor. Lawyer. Vet for the pets. Thermometer. Loose change. Duvet. Doorbell. Egg cups. EYE CONTACT.
Without bodies, we wouldn’t need trains or traffic lights, pavements or parachutes, mirrors or maracas! Many interesting HANDCRAFTS would have to go: lace-making, leather-embossing, tapestry, pargeting, Netsuke, embroidery, mosaics, bell-ringing, silver-smithing, quilting, smocking, SMOKING. Buttons would be of no further use. Ditto, DOWSING. It would be difficult, and POINTLESS, making risotto (all that stirring!).
Without bodies there would be no more telephones, marathons, triathlons, architects, wheelchairs, pilots, Pilates or prison! No PAPERWORK. No passports. No plastic surgery. No more so-called feminists going under the knife because they want their LABIA minimised. There would BE no feminists (no need!). No DESIGNER LABELS, no LOGOS – nobody left to ADVERTISE upon.
Without bodies we would no longer be subject to:
Momo syndrome
myalgia
arthralgia
thrombocytopenia
ascites
PANCREATITIS
peripheral oedema
sepsis
jaundice
coma
pregnancy
diarrhoea
pruritis
tinnitus
hypoaesthesia
alopecia
diabetes
deafness
sarcoidosis
palpitations
abdominal distension
cellulitis
mouth ulcers
pulmonary embolisms
vulvitis
dysgeusia
epistaxis
vasculitis
hyperglycaemia
epilepsy
dyspepsia
thyrotoxicosis
erythema
dysphagia
pancytopenia
ischaemic colitis
cholelithiasis
muscle cramps
abnormal gaits
dysarthria
haematuria
psittacosis
hepatic steatosis
papilloedema
cirrhosis
disorientation
dry mouth
dizziness
blurred vision
splenomegaly
gout
sinusitis
panic attacks
pollakiuria
hemiparesis
hypokalaemia
skin discolouration
erectile dysfunction
encephalopathy
pleural effusions
tooth loss
hypoxia
multi-organ failure
bronchitis
eczema
urticaria
inflammations
mitral valve incompetence
constipation
restlessness
nasopharyngitis
BLUSHING
lethargy
mood swings
auto-immune disorders
TB
rhabdomyolysis
twitches
tics
blood potassium decreases
escherichia infections
retinal detachment
arthritis
diplopia
dysuria
skin lesions
angina
gastritis
psoriasis
thirst
pallor
haematemesis
demyelination
hypertriglyceridaemia
incontinence
reflux
ataxia
phlebitis
granuloma
photopsia
hyporeflexia
melaena
herpes
pericoccalsepsis
blepharitis
hypocalcaemia
hemiplegia
homicidal ideas
shock
abcesses
coagulopathy
CRYING
decreased libido
hoarseness
dementia
cryoglobulinaemia
cystitis
peritonitis
lichen sclerosus
aplastic anaemia
staphylococcal sepsis
hyponatraemia
hyperkalaemia
parkinsonism
tenderness
skin nodules
emphysema
glaucoma
aneurysms
cataracts
scotomas
hyperbilirubinaemia
metabolic acidosis
lipase increases
blindness
gynaecomastia
haemoptysis
myositis
ecchymosis
blisters
schizophrenia
>
polydipsia
burning sensations
rales
purpura
chromaturia
vitreous floaters
joint stiffness
attention deficit disorder
menorrhagia
paralysis
Guillain-Barré syndrome
mydriasis
thrush
cysts
lupus
pyelonephritis
flatulence
atelectasis
lacerations
depression
acute psychosis
tongue discolourations
faecal abnormalities
meningitis
mitochondrial cytopathy
piles
glossitis
Raynaud’s phenomenon
atelectasis
tachycardia
pneumonia
vomiting
fibrosis
gallstones
gingivitis
stress
night sweats
rheumatic fever
goitre
empyema
electrolyte imbalances
hypothermia
azoospermia
vasovagal syncope
vaginitis
conjunctivitis
tunnel vision
tooth extractions
impetigo
spasms
Vogt-Koyanagi-Harada syndrome
hilar lymphadenopathy
eosinophilia
dysphonia
dysstasia
parosmia
nightmares
Sjögren’s syndrome
agoraphobia
uveitis
contusions
scabs
HICCUPS
fluid retention
bursitis
mastitis
cyanosis
epididymitis
hiatus hernia
bruxism
bone spurs
venous stasis
chronic vegetative state
necrotising vasculitis
ureteric stenosis
DROOLING
tonsillitis
superior sagittal sinus thrombosis
carcinomas
tendonitis
skin odours
radiculitis
prurigo
HYDROCELES
spondylosis
carbuncles
choking
chalazions
cholangitis
anasarca
slipped discs
persecutory delusions
bone fractures
benign prostatic hyperplasia
haemarthrosis
arteriosclerosis
osteoporosis
typhoid fever
Basedow’s disease
oesophagitis
Reiter’s syndrome
gangrene
obsessive-compulsive disorder
nystagmus
paraplegia
ketonuria
irritable bowel syndrome
mitral valve prolapses
EUPHORIA
heat exhaustion
anaphylactic shock
wheezing
ventricular hypokinesia
self-mutilation
rhinitis
polyps
mesenteric vein thrombosis
personality changes
oliguria
keratoconjunctivitis sicca
iron deficiencies
marital problems
labyrinthitis
jitters
HEEBIE-JEEBIES
carpal tunnel syndrome
hirsutism
hypophosphataemia
exophthalmos
cachexia
crepitations
coeliac disease
chronic fatigue syndrome
barotrauma
ruptured arteries
scaly rashes
ototoxicity
oligodipsia
neurosis
nasal congestion
involuntary muscular contractions
Miller Fisher syndrome
metastases
menopause
lymphadenitis
intermittent claudication
lacrimation
ligament laxity
Stevens-Johnson syndrome
sprue
furuncles
Sick Sinus syndrome
ileitis
virilism
immobility
epiglottitis
despair
paroxysms
catatonia
rhonchi
intoxication
calcinosis
rotator cuff syndrome
pituitary tumours
plasmacytosis
oligohydramnios
obstructive uropathy
Ménieère’s disease
mumps
intestinal perforations
inguinal mass
Horner’s syndrome
amaurosis fugax
excoriation
incoherence
galactorrhoea
anal neoplasms
membranoproliferative glomerulonephritis
gliosis
glossodynia
exanthem
anosmia
elliptocytosis
motor neurone disease
food intolerance
feelings of worthlessness
foetal distress
glioblastoma multiforme
club feet
corneal opacity
defecation urgency
diffuse large B-cell lymphoma
alveolitis
anion gaps
circadian rhythm sleep disorder
folliculitis
Mycobacterium avium complex infection
eructations
scabies
mononucleosis
febrile convulsions
diverticulitis
anhedonia
Alzheimer’s
disinhibition
cryptococcosis
faecaloma
stiffness
Epstein-Barr virus
nocturia
motion sickness
vitiligo
toxoplasmosis
fungaemia
chorioretinitis
delusions of grandeur
endometriosis
SARS
microangiopathic haemolytic anaemia
vestibular neuronitis
transaminases
merycism
narcissism
miscarriages
telangiectasia
syphilis
portal vein occlusions
stridor
restless leg syndrome
metrorrhagia
chondrolysis
torticollis
sickle cell anaemia
snoring
sneezing
orchitis
CAT-SCRATCH disease
grunting
rectal tenesmus
subacute endocarditis
poverty of thought content
increased libido
lid lag
bone erosion
low Apgar scores
hangovers
aortitis
head-banging
iritis
leukaemia
obesity
tangentiality
staring
colonic fistulae
subileus
otitis media
lipoatrophy
Creutzfeldt-Jacob disease
bird flu
BINGO WINGS
formication
linophobia
sitophobia
taphephobia
scopophobia
silicosis
varicella
economic problems
clumsiness
; neglect of personal appearance
purulent sputum
pertussis
sleep-talking
neutrophilia
sialadenitis
respiratory moniliasis
obliterative bronchiolitis
strongyloidiasis
orthostatic collapse
panniculitis
Klebsiella infections
asphyxiation
nonketotic hyperglycaemic-hyperosmolar coma
tumour lysis syndrome
haemosiderosis
haematochezia
being bedridden
osteitis
Palmar-Plantar Erythrodysaesthesia syndrome
pyromania
and GRASS BURNS.
There are bits of the body we’re trained not to SEE, not to understand, different kinds of skin, flesh, flab. They don’t register in blurry photographs of MODEL GIRLS – they’ve been airbrushed out or JOGGED to smithereens by the model herself or surgically excised or SOMEHOW obscured (a carefully placed PINEAPPLE perhaps). You have to study REAL people to get an idea what the body’s really like. For the unobservant, this info comes in a series of SHOCKS throughout life. The way your stomach hangs when you lean forward, the sponginess of underarm flesh, the looseness of breast skin, cellulite, wrinkles, stretch marks – REVOLT US ALL!
We’ve been trained to view the body as a HORROR – not as a lovable, ESSENTIAL, egalitarian possession, but as a reprehensible, outrageous, superfluous thing we don’t know how to HANDLE, unpredictable, guilt-bedecked, full of malfunction and mal-INTENT, an ENEMY that needs to be STOPPED, controlled: no flab, no flop. No pain or JOY either, no birth, no death.
We’re being trained right out of EXISTENCE! With our RULES and our DIETS and our HEALTH SCARES and and TABOOS, our GYMS and our CELEBS, our FEAR and HATRED of the body, fear of SEX, fear of NAKEDNESS, our love of PORN and GORE and DISASTER, our literature of GOOD-LOOKING GALS dabbling in APPEASEMENT – we’ve given up on OURSELVES! We’ve given up any moral claim we HAD on life. We’re so full of regret and sorrow and foreboding and wistfulness, so full of SHIT, we’ve given up our right to our own bodies! Just waiting to be BOMBED really, mere units of energy and profit for capitalists and cloning.
First-Name Terms
Jen, who WEEPS to see herself in the mirror, who will eat her own SHIT in prison, soon became accustomed to her normal daily routine. It was all nausea, palpitations, stiffness, itching, lumps, bumps, rashes, piles, breathlessness, dizziness, fainting fits, tics, twitches, swollen ankles, bleeding gums, insomnia, fatigue, lethargy, weight gain, weight loss, vomiting, diarrhoea, flatulence, high blood pressure, ominous skin blemishes, abnormal discharges, and depression. And that was just JEN.
She availed herself of all the technology at her disposal. She took her own temperature, checked her pulse, analysed blood, urine and stool samples, even got out the old STETHOSCOPE to listen to her lungs. She ascertained that she was feverish, her pulse racing, her breathing shallow. Searching through 101 Snap Diagnoses: The Lazy Doctor’s Pocket Companion, she settled on BRONCHOSPASM, pneumonia, emphysema, anaphylactic shock, or a BLOCKAGE due to plugs of thick MUCOPUS. But in the end she had to admit she was: IN LOVE.