Her stomach jumped up into her chest.
“And why is that?” she asked through heavy breaths.
“Well, have you ever kissed a man?” Greg smiled roguishly. “That’s what I actually wanted to know a moment ago, by the way.”
Mary felt her cheeks grow warm and so she looked down at her hands.
“No,” she answered and when she looked up again she thought she saw relief on Greg’s face.
“Then I couldn’t tell you. There’s no way for you to know if you haven’t experienced it.”
“Try,” Mary challenged him
“Try what?”
“To tell me what it feels like.”
“What does what feel like?”
“Love!” Mary exclaimed. “Does it feel like love?”
“You mean kissing? I don’t know if it feels like love but—” Greg chuckled. “You’ve really never kissed a man before?”
“You’ve really never made love before?” Mary teased.
“I don’t suppose you have either…”
“And how do you know I haven’t?” Mary crossed her arms in front of her and set her face sternly.
“You just said you haven’t even kissed a man before…”
“And is that a requirement?”
“Well… no. I suppose it’s not technically a requirement, but—”
“So then how do you know I haven’t?” Mary asked again.
“Well, have you?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“Would I?” Greg raised his brow.
“Well, you asked.”
Greg paused for a second and tilted his head. His eyes washed over her, all soft and dreamy as if he was trying to understand what he was seeing. She felt him piercing her and making her vulnerable. She was getting the impression that he wanted her to feel vulnerable…
“You haven’t,” he said bluntly.
“How do you know that?”
“Because you would have told me.”
“Maybe not.”
“Maybe not,” he conceded with a grin.
“Why?” she asked.
“Why what?”
“Why haven’t you ever made love before?”
Greg made a little sound in his throat. “I’m afraid it’s more of an excuse than a reason.”
“Haven’t found the right one?” she teased.
“Nothing at all like that, I’m afraid.” Greg laughed and looked at her again as if he was trying to gauge her reaction.
Was she reacting? And what would she be reacting to?
“The honest truth?” Greg asked.
She nodded. “Always.”
“It’s just too much work for such a temporary arrangement.”
Mary laughed. “What?”
“Don’t laugh!” Greg shot back but he was laughing too. “You know what women in our society are like. Complicated and complex.” He waved his hand around. “It’s not as if I could just smile and be done with it…”
“So why not… venture outside of our society?” Mary cleared her throat.
“Oh,” Greg waved his hand again. “I’m not that desperate. And I’m not entirely convinced that it would be less work anyway…”
“Your eyes,” Mary said.
“My—what?”
“You said you couldn’t just smile at women and make them do what you wanted.”
“Yes…”
“You can do that with your eyes…” Mary said with a soft, wary voice.
“What?” Greg asked again. He was clearly intrigued by her premise but the sound of his speech let her know that he was just as nervous as she was.
“Oh come now. I’ve seen you do it hundreds of times. You look at women and you hardly say anything to them yet it’s obvious that they would do anything you asked of them… Anything.”
Greg looked genuinely confused.
“You really don’t know what I’m talking about?” Mary asked.
“No,” Greg said with a confused shake of the head.
“You—you don’t even know you’re doing it, do you?” Mary was intrigued.
“No.” He shook his head again.
“Well, believe me, you are doing it…” Mary said before clearing her throat in an attempt to hide her euphoria. “And it’s not just you. I’ve seen other men do it. But I must say that of everyone I’ve ever seen do it, you are by far—”
“What are my eyes saying right now?” Greg pushed all of Mary’s loose hair out of her face as he asked this, and then looked at her in a way that made her insides tug in his direction.
“That I’m not work…” she whispered.
Greg cleared his throat and quickly looked away from her.
“So then why haven’t you made love?” he asked in an unsuccessful attempt at changing the subject.
“How do you know that I haven’t?” she challenged once again, this time through baited breath.
“You haven’t,” he said with a crooked smile.
“But how do you know?”
“Because you wouldn’t be looking at me like this if you had.”
“Like… what?” she asked, but she knew exactly when he meant. Maybe it was because he was leaving and their future was so uncertain but something was happening between them in this moment that she could not explain.
She wasn’t looking at him like a friend and he wasn’t looking at her like a friend either. And she cursed the whole situation and herself and the wonderful way that she was feeling. Because the fact of the matter was that as wonderful as she felt she really didn’t know what she was feeling.
Was it love? Real love? It could be. It might be.
Was it worth their friendship to find out?
“Ask me that question again,” Greg said as he moved closer to her.
“Which question? The one about kissing?” She exhaled with one deep, shaking breath while trying not to think about just how nice he felt next to her. “Or do you mean the one about the feeling of love?”
“Either one works.”
“Fine then. What does—”
“Oh, bloody hell,” Greg whispered.
And he took her face in his hands and kissed her.
Mary felt her body go weak beneath her as the sweetness of his lips consumed her. He tasted of honey and earl grey tea and his skin smelled of fresh, clean soap. He was flooding all of her senses, sparking new parts of her to life, and so despite her better judgment, she gave in.
She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her lips against his, causing a tiny fire to ignite in her belly. Even still, Mary felt the undeniable urge to be closer to him, closer than she was even now. She edged towards him until her entire body was pressed tightly up against his side and he wrapped his arm around her back pulling her to him.
His fingers wound in her hair and that tiny flicker of flame in her belly grew into a white hot fire. It exploded through her veins and beat in her heart and she felt warm and safe and blissful. A wave of electricity shot between them, and for a moment Mary felt relieved. But that relief quickly subsided. As wonderful as this feeling was, it was not the closeness that her body desired. It was not the closeness that her body needed.
She held him tighter, moving her mouth in motion with his, as her body begged for more. Greg felt the growing need inside of her and his body answered the request. He kissed her lips until they were red and swollen; he nibbled her neck and her ear until she writhed against him. His kisses were hungry but they were also wonderfully poignant because beneath that hunger there was vulnerability.
She was hungry and vulnerable too.
And it was beautiful.
Before long the fire consumed them both and it seemed there was no going back.
***
“What the bloody hell are we doing?” Mary asked through shallow breath as she pushed Greg away.
“I think that’s fairly obvious,” Greg answered. His breath was equally shallow but his euphoria gave him strength enough to tease her. “Though
I’d be happy to explain it to you if you want me to…” He leaned over and delicately kissed her neck.
Her eyes rolled back and her lips parted, just slightly, and then…
She punched his shoulder.
“Oww! Mary! What are you doing?” He rubbed his shoulder.
“What—” She stumbled over her words. “What was that for?”
“Did that not feel like love?” he teased again, but this time he wasn’t so sure he was joking.
“Greg… Why did…” Her voice broke slightly. “Why did you do that?” She reached out to punch him but there was no force behind her hand and instead her arm fell flat.
“I—I don’t know… I don’t know at all…” Greg pushed himself up to a sitting position and ruffled his dark hair. Confusion flooded him.
When she’d asked him the question about love he’d been certain she was asking about them. After what had happened in the garden he hadn’t been surprised. The events of the garden and everything that had happened after, though? Now that surprised him.
He didn’t know what any of it meant, and now it was clear that she didn’t know either. All he did know was that in those moments something had arisen between them. Something new and frightening… but exciting. He hadn’t been able to shake that feeling.
And so he kissed her.
She asked if kissing felt like love and he just… kissed her.
His body was still tingling from her touch. His finger twitched and all he could think about was how soft her lips were and how she smelled of mint tea. He ached to touch her again but now he was afraid that he’d made a huge mistake.
“I don’t know either…” Mary finally said. “I don’t know either…”
“What are you feeling right now?” he asked tentatively.
“Hot and cold,” she said. “Same as before. Same as always. Hot and cold.” She wiped her eyes. “What are you feeling?”
Their kiss flashed through his mind and again, he longed for her touch.
“I don’t know,” he said at last, which was the truth, mostly.
“Do you love me?” she asked him now.
“Of course I love you. I’ve loved you from day one.” Greg chanced touching her face. He reached out his hand and ran his fingers under her eyes, wiping away her tears with his thumb. “Do you love me?”
When he looked in her eyes as he asked this, he saw something dancing and his heart leapt. For just a second his heart leapt.
“I can’t ever remember feeling anything else,” she whispered. But there was something about the way she said this that made his heart hurt.
“I love you. I always have.” she reaffirmed, “but…”
“You’re not in love with me,” he said, finishing her sentence.
She kept her eyes lowed as she shook her head. With a sudden, quick motion she raised her hands and slapped them back down on her legs. She took a deep breath and looked up at him. Her face was streaked with tears again.
“No,” she said. Just one tiny word. It was barely audible but it was enough for him to understand a whole world of meaning.
She was afraid of losing him.
And he was afraid of losing her too.
“Well good,” he said just a little more assuredly than he meant to.
“Why is that good?”
“Because I’m not in love with you either.”
“Do—do you—” The words were catching and she cleared her throat. “Do you think we’ll ever know what being in love feels like?”
“Oh, I sure hope so.” Greg paused a second as he thought. “I think so.”
“Well, I sure wish it would hurry up!” Mary tried to tease, but she couldn’t hide the strain in her voice. “Do you think it will be worth the wait?”
“If it feels anything like this,” he nodded between them, “then I’d say it’s more than worth the wait.”
Greg saw Mary’s face soften momentarily, but it was clear she didn’t want to let herself feel whatever she was feeling. He wasn’t sure he wanted to let himself feel what it was either.
“I mean, what were we thinking, right?” she said changing the subject as she set her jaw and wiped her eyes.
“About what?” Greg wasn’t entirely sure what she was talking about now.
“About—about love. Between us. About us being… in love.” Her voice still sounded sad. “How could we possibly be in love? With each other or anyone…”
Greg furrowed his brow. “And why not? Is something wrong with me?” He chuckled half-heartedly.
“No.” Mary shook her head with a reassuring smile. “It’s not you or me… Well, actually it is. It’s both of us. It’s just… We’re just…” She exhaled heavily and clasped her hands on her lap. “We’re both still so… young. Still… learning…”
“I can’t disagree with that,” Greg said. His throat felt very tight.
“You’re going to go off to school and you’ll learn new things and meet new people. And me—well—I’m not sure what I’ll do. Probably… pretend to look for a husband!” She covered her mouth as a series of tiny, tired giggles escaped her lips.
Greg smirked. “Just pretend?”
“Oh.” She waved his words away. “I don’t need a husband.”
“I know you don’t need a husband… but…”
“But what?” Mary pressed.
“Maybe, somewhere out there… there’s a husband who needs you.”
“No one needs me…”
“I need you….”
“I’m sure my future husband will have something to say about that.”
“Well, you were mine first, Mary.” Greg gave in and touched her again, running just the very tips of his fingers along her jawline. “You will always be mine. Always. Just as I will always be yours.”
Something in her eyes changed then, as if these words answered an unspoken question and lifted a weight from her shoulders. She just looked so… relieved.
It did his heart good to see her this way.
Apparently it did her heart good too because in one swift movement, Mary threw her arms around his neck and kissed him.
Greg desperately wanted to kiss her back. He wanted to touch her again so badly that his entire body ached. Every fiber of his being was vibrating with longing. Greg didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure if he should fight against it. This was wrong. So very wrong. But then she twisted her fingers into his hair, pulling, and coaxed his mouth open with her tongue and he decided that this was also very right.
He answered her lips with his own. Moving against them, with them, fire exploding with every touch. He wrapped his arm around her lower back and pressed her against him. He could feel her heart beating through her chest. It was pounding, racing rather, and so was his. The feeling was driving him mad and he let it consume him.
He laid her back against the lounge and covered her with his body. His hands explored her face and her neck and her hair. He breathed in her fragrant scent and he melted. Just melted right into her. She arched her back beneath him and a tiny whimper escaped her lips as he continued to pepper her with kisses. All along her face, the length of her nose and over her chin and down her neck.
He followed the line of her collar bone, nibbling and tasting, across and down to the neckline of her dress. He stopped and pressed his lips firmly in place. He could feel her heart again, this time through his lips, as it fluttered away and beat in time with his. She slipped one shoulder out of her dress and then the other and only then did he remove his lips from her skin and take one moment to look at her.
She was so damn beautiful and she didn’t even know it.
It didn’t matter if he told her. It would make no difference to say the words, but if he could show her. If he could just show her…
He rested his forehead against hers and looked into her eyes as he stroked her cheeks.
They were questioning eyes, full of wonder and anticipation. He knew that she could see the same feelings in his eyes.
“This changes nothing,” Mary said with quick conviction. “We’re both still…”
“Yes. We’re both still…” Greg let his voice trail off as he fell further into her eyes. “This changes nothing.”
What a bunch of bollocks, Greg thought. But as he continued to stroke her face and look in her eyes, he realized that it didn’t matter if anything changed between them. That would only matter if it was possible for something to break their bond. And that was not possible.
That would never be possible.
“So what happens now?” Mary asked through shallow breath.
“Oh…” Greg looked at her with soft, heavy eyes. “I think you know what happens now…”
Chapter 8
Summer 1817
Greg hated himself.
He wiped his eyes with one hand as his other urgently searched the table next to him for something to drink.
Bottles and glasses crashed to the floor before he finally found a glass with something to drink.
Whiskey. All the better.
He downed the contents of the glass in two gulps.
He rubbed his head. It pounded and not because he’d had too much to drink.
It was that other thing he’d done that was beating away in his skull.
“Your face has grown suddenly serious. And… pale. Are you alright?” he remembered Brad asking him.
“I’m fine… I suppose… but it is a serious matter I need to speak to you about. Shall we?” Greg gestured towards a back alcove that was out of earshot of the other party-goers.
Brad nodded and they walked away from the party and then…
And then he told. He did the most despicable thing of his whole entire life and he told.
Stupid, selfish, foolish man.
“What is it, man?” Brad asked again with worry.
“It’s just that,” Greg cleared his throat, “that Mary—that she…”
The words had stung his mouth as he said them, like citrus in a wound. If only they had tasted that way. But they were like bile. They were bile. Putrid and heavy and they made him nauseous. He nearly lost his stomach. Now he wished that he had.
That would have made things so much easier. But now…
Greg wasn’t sure yet if he would tell her what he’d done. How would he tell his best friend he’d betrayed her? He ached all over just thinking about it, right down to his very core. Even his bones hurt. Like someone had given him a good beating while he slept.
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