“Oh. No. It wasn’t you that caused me worry. It was me. I was afraid I’d finally pushed you too far…”
“Never.”
“You say that now…”
“I’ll say that always.”
Mary didn’t respond. Instead she looked back up at the sky.
“What are you looking at?” he asked as he sat down next to her. He smelled earthy and alive. It made her think of stardust.
Mary gestured her hand upward. “Everything.”
“So am I.”
When Mary looked at him his eyes were locked on her.
“Greg…” He made her feel all warm and tingly inside, but she was afraid to let the feeling spread too far only to have it be cut short.
Greg ran his hand along her face, and her reflexes made her lean into it and kiss his knuckles. He winced.
“So you punched him, didn’t you?” she asked with a twist of her mouth.
“Mary, I can explain…” Greg’s voice was apprehensive and worried.
She laughed. “The only thing you need to explain is why you only punched the bloody bastard once.”
Greg’s jaw gaped open and his eyes began to flood with excitement. “You know then?”
“Yes. And I know more than you apparently. He pulled me into a waltz so he could tell me all about his grand plan and how he’d already told you all about it. Except for one thing…”
“And what’s that?”
“That bastard was emulating you. Taking parts of stories you’d told him about us during your friendship and dangling them in front me like some sort of sick bait…”
The corners of Greg’s mouth twitched. “So when you thought you were falling for him…”
“Yes.” Mary felt her skin turn hot and she looked down. But she couldn’t hide the smile that was taking over her face. “I was really falling for you. Or rather realizing for the first time how I felt about you… But that’s why it never felt right with him, why it felt like something was off and didn’t match, because the feelings I had didn’t belong to him, they belonged to you.”
Greg exhaled sharply with a contemplative hmph. “You’re right. One punch was definitely not enough.”
Mary laughed again. “And the best part of this is that he thinks I’m not going to do anything about it. He thinks I’m just going to lay back and submit… and marry him!”
“So… you’re not going to marry Brad then?” Greg’s eyes shone.
She shook her head. “No, of course not. I’ll figure something out…”
“Oh, Mary. That means that we can—you and I can… This is—why that’s…” He stumbled over his words before reaching out to take her in his arms, but she pulled away.
“Wait.” Mary held up her hands. “It’s not that simple. There’s something else. Something else we must talk about first. And then, if you still feel the same way, maybe we can talk about—”
Greg’s voice was puzzled. “Mary of course I’ll feel—” He reached out to her again, and again she pulled away.
“I thought that I had to do it because of all you’ve done for me and because you love me and because I love you… but it’s because of all of these reasons that I cannot do it.”
Mary stood up and crossed her arms in front of her body like a shield.
“Though, if I still thought it in your best interests for me to marry Brad I would gladly do it and take on all of the consequences for the rest of my life… But, ironically, it was Brad who reminded me of why I was doing this in the first place and forced me to look at it from a new light.”
Mary was pacing as she spoke and now she turned back to Greg.
“Don’t be mistaken,” she added with the point of a finger. “I’m not telling you all of this out of selfishness now that I know who Brad really is and how he would treat me. I’m telling you this for you. I couldn’t let him do this to you. I couldn’t do this to you after all you’ve done for me without at least letting you know the whole truth and giving you the chance to make your own decision…”
“My best interest? What are you talking about, Mary? You can’t do what?” Greg tried to catch her arm again to no avail.
She continued on. “I believe that it was my first real act of love for you.”
“What was?” Greg asked full of confusion. “What’s going—”
“Accepting Brad’s marriage proposal.”
“Accepting his—” This time Greg’s hands caught her, and he held her out at arm’s length and just looked at her. His eyes doubled in size. “—but Lord Brandon—Accepting?”
“Yes. Accepting. Lord Brandon knew of my… transgressions,” she cleared her throat, “and their potential complications. He told me I must marry. Brad had offered to marry me. And so I decided to accept.”
“Brad offered to marry you… and you accepted.”
“Yes.”
“You just… accepted Brad’s marriage proposal.” Greg submitted again. “You accept another man’s marriage proposal without protest and somehow you expect me to believe that this is your first act of love for me. When did I cross your mind in all of this? Did you really even think of me?”
“Well, it wasn’t as if you had proposed at that time!” Mary challenged even though she knew that was beside the point.
“It wasn’t because I didn’t want to… I’ll bloody well tell you that!”
“But you didn’t! Not until it was too late!” she countered, suddenly needing him to justify his actions. “When you felt me gone forever, when Brad said he intended to propose, what did you do? Did you come to me? Did you swear your undying love?”
She could see his throat move as he swallowed several times, but he remained silent.
“Well, did you?” She repeated.
“No, damn it, no!” He took a step towards her.
“When you exposed my secret, did you think of me?”
“Did I think of anything else?”
Mary tightened her jaw and squeezed her lips into a tight line and stared at him.
“I love you and I made a mistake,” Greg began as he slapped his hands against his side. “And I know it’s a damn horrible answer, you don’t have to tell me that, but it’s the truth. And sorry will never be enough. I know that too. I know that what I did to you was near unforgiveable, but as much as I loved you—and I always have and always will—the timing was just never right.”
With one hand on his hip he pointed at her now. “How was it you described it? Missing the boat?—until all this mess with Brad came about I didn’t realize how much I loved you either. And then I was suddenly faced with losing you. In a moment of foolish desperation I thought I’d scare him away, earn more time to win your love—I obviously never imagined things would turn out how they did. I obviously never imagined he would turn out to be such a vengeful monster…”
Greg slapped his sides again as he shrugged. “Once I realized what I’d done by telling him and what consequences that might cause, I went to see you that next day to try to fix it—to try to do something—only to find that you were engaged to Brad. And you were so cold to me and I knew there was something you weren’t tell me—I knew it, Mary!—But I didn’t know why. I still don’t why. Or what…” Greg raked his fingers through his hair. “And by that time everything was such a mess that I didn’t know what to do. And then you made me leave and I knew that Brad had to be the one who told and I didn’t know what to do! But I never gave up…”
Mary felt tears swell up in her eyes. She felt her heart grow and burst. “It doesn’t qualify anyway,” she said as she crossed her arms in front of her body more tightly. “It wouldn’t have mattered if you’d proposed to me then or any other day. I wouldn’t have accepted. I still would have chosen Brad… Just as I did when you asked me yesterday…”
Greg shook his head still very confused. “You say you love me now. You say you loved me even then, yet you also say you would have turned me down and accepted another man’s marriage proposal?” He paused. “You
did accept another man’s marriage proposal… You did turn me down when I finally asked…”
He paused, hoping to elicit a response from her, but when she still did not respond he continued: “I was scared. I admit it. And a coward at that for telling your secret to Brad. And when I realized what I’d done I was scared to death you’d reject me, or even worse, hate me. I wanted to win your heart for real but you made that a damn near impossible task!”
And then he took it somewhere else, somewhere that neither of them had ever gone before, to a place where they hid their feelings and pretended that they didn’t hurt.
“Do you have any idea what I went through all these years? What seeing you with those men did to me?”
“And how do you think I felt every time you just…” Mary shook her head and held her arms out at her side, “…let me go?”
They looked at each other as everything suddenly became clear. The years of cherished friendship and companionship, the deeply hidden feelings that ached so freshly upon discovery: they shared it all. And it all made sense now. They’d both turned a blind eye to their own feelings—hidden them deep inside until it was as if those feelings had never existed—in order to satisfy what they thought were the other’s needs. They’d each given everything that they had and sacrificed their most precious possessions—themself—for the other.
It was all out in the open now. They could no longer lie to themselves or to each other. But that didn’t mean they were not afraid or ashamed.
“Mary—I—”
When she didn’t say anything more he went to her and forced her face into his hands. He tried to look into her eyes and read her thoughts, but she squirmed and fought against him, humiliated by her own mistakes.
“Look at me, Mary!”
“No!”
“Look at me!”
“No! No… No… no…”
But she was tired of fighting, tired of hiding—from herself and from him. So at last she connected her eyes with his as silent sobs vibrated through her body. Greg let her chin fall into the palms of his hands as he studied the depths of her soul.
It revealed only one thing to him but that one thing was enough.
I am not worthy, it cried. I am not worthy.
“Mary…”
“I did think of you, I did,” she finally choked out, “and that is why I accepted Brad’s proposal! In that moment when I was faced with the reality of my selfishness and its consequences, I suddenly saw all of the horrible things I’d ever done to you. I saw all of my greediness and I was filled with such a tremendous ache. My heart was breaking and I’d only just begun to think I might love you—I couldn’t bear to imagine how your heart felt… I abused your love and you deserved better than to be tempered by the likes of me. You deserved better than to be stuck with me—marrying me—to clean up yet another one of my messes. I knew you’d marry me if I asked… but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear to be that selfish anymore. I couldn’t bear to hurt you anymore! But I didn’t think I was strong enough to keep myself from asking it of you, so I decided I had to accept Brad’s proposal. I had to make you leave me alone…”
Greg’s eyes grew wide with pain as he was stabbed with realization of the sacrifice she’d made. “And that’s why you chose…”
She shook her head through the sobs.
He grabbed her, tight as he could, and wrapped her in his arms. She struggled and whimpered but he would not let her go. He pulled her in, folded her into his being. You are worthy, you are worthy, he projected again and again until she finally submitted and he found his words.
“I would have never, ever left you alone! You hear me? Even if you had married him. I would have fought for you until the end of my days!”
“Until now, until all of this, I didn’t know the extent of your love for me. Nor of my love for you.” She wiped water from her eyes. “But is love enough? Can love truly survive… me?”
“Mary, hear me now—you may be a strong woman; you may be capable of many, many things, but the one thing you can never do is destroy this love.”
“But I did so many awful things—I have hurt you—how could you possibly—I regret—” She threw her hands to her face to cover her shame.
“Oh, Mary, we’re worth so much more than the decisions we make.” Greg stroked the top of her head and sighed. “And we’ve both done things for which we regret… things that make us feel unworthy…”
Mary breathed in deeply, not quite a gasp, but a breath that punctuated the moment: “You have regrets? You feel unworthy?”
“You didn’t think you were alone in this feeling?”
“I’ve felt alone in most of my feelings for most of my life… But I didn’t want to tell you and burden you anymore than I already —”
“You are not alone, Mary. We are not alone. If only I’d realized I loved you before, if only you’d realized you loved me. If only we’d done so many things oh so long ago… We didn’t but that’s alright, because we’re connected. Can’t you feel that?”
He placed his hand over her heart and then took her hand and placed it over his heart.
“Every choice we make affects the other. It always has… We share our choices and our burdens. But that way neither of us has to carry the weight alone—You have never been alone.”
“But do you forgive me?” she asked at last, her one final plea and barrier.
“We forgive each other,” he answered with a warm smile. “Always. We forgive each other.”
She nodded then because it was the only thing she had enough strength to do.
They didn’t talk, not even a word, but they understood each other then as they never had before and he wrapped her in his arms and just held her. They did not know for how long.
“I do love you, Greg,” she finally said.
“And I love you too, my girl,” Greg said as she kissed the top of her head and then looked directly into her eyes. “If I asked you again—if I were to ask you right now to marry me, would you say yes?”
“I thought you would never ask.” She beamed as she relaxed in his arms.
“I haven’t asked yet!”
“Well?”
Greg sat down on the bench and pulled Mary down on his lap. He kissed her cheek and her neck and began to nibble on her ear. “Mary Cartwright?”
“Yes?” she sighed.
“Will you finally be my wife?” He planted a deep kiss on the nape of her neck.
“Yes, good God, yes,” she moaned.
And then she began to cry.
“Oh. My girl. No need to cry.” Greg kissed her one more time and then wrapped her up against him. “This is good news. We will start anew. With just love. Forget all we’ve done or have not done. Forget what might have been and what actually was. We love, now and always. And that’s all we need to know.”
“These are happy tears,” she murmured into his ear.
She now knew that this love could survive anything.
***
Mary was breaking her fast the next morning when Greg arrived to call on her.
“Madge, honestly, I’ve barely touched my food.” She took a modest nibble of her toast to try to show she wasn’t in a hurry, even though deep within she felt something warm wash through her. But no matter how excited she was to see him she wasn’t about to let Madge in on that bit of juicy gossip.
Madge rolled her eyes and Mary realized that her emotions were actually screaming out to anyone who dared to look.
Oh, yes… love, she thought dreamily.
“Very well then.” Mary patted her face with a napkin. Madge was not impressed. “I will see him in the sitting room presently.”
Her stomach was grumbling but she hurried off to the meet her love. She was excited to see him, no matter the reason, but his early visit did peak her curiosity and tell her something was amiss. Her suspicions were confirmed when she found him pacing frantically.
“Greg. So good to see you this morning! But so early?” She
kept her voice level though she was sure she wasn’t completely fooling her lady’s maid. Even still Mary gave Madge a piercing look that told her to exit the room. She did, but Mary suspected she would not go far.
“The key now,” Greg said without preamble, “will be to find a way to get you out of your marriage contract.”
He brought his thumb and forefinger to his mouth and stroked his lips as he contemplated.
Mary gestured her arm in front of her in a dismissive fashion. “Oh, that’s why you’re here? Well that’s simple—”
“No. No. Nothing about this is simple.” He was pacing about now, hand on hip, finger wagging with his words. “These contracts, they are, well, they’re usually very specific. All the details laid out, the little loop holes tied up neatly… Bloody damn annoying is what they are…”
“Greg, we have nothing to worry—”
“—though, I suppose there must be some way. No contract is perfect. There’s always some little discrepancy, some bit of information that’s fallible that creates—”
“Greg, I—”
“But then again, lawyers are rather good with their words these days. I had a friend at University who ended up having to—”
“Would you listen—”
“—and when he woke up the next day—”
“Greg—”
“—she was wearing his grandmother’s ring—”
“Oh dear God…”
“—and he’d never even met the girl in his life!” Greg stopped pacing for a moment and threw his hands in the air as if trying to paint a picture of this apparently scandalous arrangement, before falling back into his previous rhythm, hand on hip, finger flying.
“Bloody hell.” Mary pushed the words breathlessly through her lips. She then gave an exasperated sigh, as she slumped down into one of the chairs at the table and began to absentmindedly dig through the bowl of fruit in front of her.
“So you see, we really need to think this through. Do our research. Investigate all the details. But we must act fast. There’s not even time now to run off to Gretna.” He cut himself short as he suddenly noticed that Mary wasn’t invested in his ramblings. “Mary. Have you even heard a word I’ve said?”
Wicked Game 02 - Something Wicked Page 23