“What about Carmen?” I asked.
“Your friend Sergeant Conrad took Carmen with her, in that unmarked car she drives. It was the most excitement downtown Hamilton Heights has had since the American Legion Bicentennial Parade.”
I felt strange. The Fred Sloane stuff had been part of a different world since I came to the beach. Even though I thought about it sometimes, I thought about it from a distance. Now it was up close again.
“Did they keep Fred and Mr. Casteneda in jail?” I asked. I was glad Daddy hadn’t gotten so violent with Fred that he had to go to jail!
“They released Mr. Casteneda that evening, but they kept Sloane overnight. I talked with Johnny ― you know, the other guy who works at the shop. He told me that Angie wouldn’t come to bail Fred out that night. She made him wait until morning before she came with the bail money.”
I put two marshmallows on a stick and held them in the fire. I liked them burned on the outside and soupy on the inside.
Mom said, “I heard from their neighbor, Mrs. Graves, that Angie had all of Fred’s things sitting in boxes on the front lawn when he got home the next morning, and that even though she’d bailed him out, she wouldn’t drive him home. He had to take the bus and then walk the rest of the way. Mrs. Graves hasn’t seen Fred around there since that day.”
I wondered why Angie had believed what happened with Carmen but she hadn’t believed me.
“I’m glad he’s gone,” Mom said. “I feel sorry for Angie and the children, but they’re probably better off without him anyway.”
I remembered how Fred had comforted Tina that night she’d been awakened by a bad dream. I didn’t know if they were better off without him or not. I thought about how Robbie told me that Tina and Dorian both kissed with their tongues, and I wondered about what might happen when Tina got to be twelve. There was still a lot that confused me.
“Let’s walk back and cut the birthday cake,” Mom said, getting up and shaking out her towel. “Do you still have room for cake after all those marshmallows and hot dogs?” she asked.
“Is it chocolate?”
“Of course. The birthday girl’s favorite flavor. Right?”
“If it’s chocolate, I have room,” I said.
I wanted to race Daddy back to Grammy’s, but he said he was too full. I think he was afraid I might beat him. We ate cake and played Uno until about 11:00.
As Mom and Dad were leaving, Mom said to me, “Oh, I almost forgot. We got a notice about some kind of registration/orientation day at your school on September 2nd. You’ll have to come home for that.”
“But school doesn’t even start until the 16th,” I whined.
“September 2nd is much too early for Cassie to go home,” Grammy said, in her most authoritative voice.
“Calm down,” Daddy laughed. “We’ll bring her back in the evening after she registers, so she can finish out her visit with you here.”
Mandy was banging on my door early in the morning on registration day.
“Let me in. I know you’re in there.”
I ran and threw open the door. She looked great. I’d missed her a lot, and maybe didn’t even know it until I saw her again. She walked straight to the refrigerator, removed a dish of leftover beans, helped herself to a couple of slices of bread, made herself a baked bean sandwich, and then led the way back to my room. She told me she didn’t know if she still liked Eric or not.
“So much for love,” I teased her.
“Do you still like Jason?”
“I think so,” I said. “I haven’t seen him for a long time, though.”
“Didn’t you see him at all this summer?” she asked. I shook my head.
“But he called you, didn’t he?”
“No,” I told her. “But look.” I went to my suitcase and got out the folder of cartoons he’d sent to me while I was at the beach.
“There must be a hundred of those things,” she said.
“Seventy-one,” I told her. “Almost two a day.”
“Wow!” she sighed.
When we got ready to leave for school, Mandy convinced me to put on some of her lipstick. It felt strange. I thought about what I’d learned from Dr. Shipper, about figuring out what I wanted to do. I wiped it off, then put some on again. I decided to wear it. I kind of liked the way it looked.
“You look so good, Cassie,” Mandy said. “I wish I had your tan!”
I looked in the mirror. I did look pretty good. My hair was bleached from the sun, and, it’s true, I had a great tan. There was no longer a choice between an undershirt and a bra ― I was now definitely a bra wearer.
Jason met us at the corner, before we got to the front of the school. We both smiled, but neither of us knew what to say. Jason was taller, and he was just wearing a retainer instead of all those braces he’d had the last time I’d seen him.
“You look different,” I told him.
“You, too,” he said. Then he made one of his Jason-style quick exits. He was smiling, and I could tell he still liked me. The seventh graders looked small, and they acted like a bunch of babies. I was glad to be in the eighth grade. There was a lot of talk from the counselor and vice-principal about this being our last year before we’d enter Hamilton High School, and how important it was for us to get prepared for ninth grade. It was fun seeing everyone at orientation, but I was glad to get back to Grammy’s that night.
In the morning we went to the beach about 11:00, as soon as the fog burned off and the sun came out. That’s how we always did. We carried lunch and drinks and Tangle, all in Grammy’s covered picnic basket. And we always brought tuna for Tangle. That way she never wandered very far away.
Early in the afternoon, Grammy and Robbie and Tangle went back home, but I stayed later. It was my favorite time of day, after the crowd was gone, and the tide was far out. Then I watched starfish and sea anemones and all kinds of little creatures in the tide pools.
It intrigues me how all of them managed to get along ― how a starfish could even lose an arm and then grow it back. And I thought about how people could lose things, and feel empty, and then start to feel okay.
I thought about Fred and Angie, and my friends at school. I thought about Jason, too, and my parents. I thought about stuff that scared me, like what if there was a war and the whole world was blown up ― or what if Tangle went too far from home and got run over by a car ― or what if I was real ugly when I grew up.
I ran into the water and swam out past where the waves were breaking. I was floating on my back out in the water, looking up at the sky. The sun was warm on the front of my body, and the water was cool and bracing and strong under my back. The clouds were pure white, billowy, and the sky was blue and clear. I heard the sounds of gulls overhead, and voices from a distant volleyball game. I was being gently rocked by ocean rhythms. I know it sounds corny, but it was like being rocked in the arms of God, and I knew I belonged to it all.
EPILOGUE
That all happened about five years ago. I hardly ever think about it anymore, unless there’s some kind of reminder. Like, I never ride the Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland without remembering the Sloane family. And once, at the movies, when my boyfriend kissed me, the taste of popcorn on his mouth sent me right back to the time of Fred Sloane.
What started me thinking about it this time was a letter I got from Angie last week. I never saw Angie again, after her time in our front yard. Mrs. Graves told me that Angie and the kids went back to Minnesota to live with her parents, and that Fred got a job working on a pipeline in Alaska.
Anyway, last week in our mailbox, along with the proofs for my senior pictures, was a letter to me ― with no return address. It said:
Dear Cassie,
I hardly know how to say this, so I’ll just start. I’ve become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is a long story, but one of the steps A. A. members must take is to make a list of all the persons we’ve harmed and to make direct amends whenever possible. You’re on m
y list of people I’ve harmed.
I’m sorry I accused you of lying and attacked you. I know you trusted me and looked up to me, and I’m sure I hurt you. I was trying to believe in Fred, and the biggest liar of all was me, lying to myself. Please forgive me.
I hope all is going well for you.
Sincerely, Angie
I cried when I read it. I never really held any grudge against Angie. But I do feel better about her now than before she wrote. Maybe in some hidden corner of myself there was an Angie spot that was dark and murky, and now there’s a little more light there.
I’m different now. I still like to play soccer, and get silly with Mandy, and pig out on Rice Krispies treats. But when I was twelve I hardly ever thought about the future, or what I would do with my life. Now I think about those things all the time. I want to make everything fit.
I think about how important love is, and a family, and how I want a career. Right now I think I’ll major in psychology and maybe work for the sheriff’s department, like Connie. Or maybe I’ll have my own practice, like Dr. Shipper. Anyway, I want to do something important — something that helps people. And for sure I always want to remember to take time out to float on my back in the ocean, and look up at the blue, blue sky, and know that I’m a part of it all.
The Complete True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High
BY MARILYN REYNOLDS
1–TELLING When twelve-year-old Cassie is accosted and fondled by the father of the children for whom she babysits, she feels dirty and confused.
2–DETOUR FOR EMMY Classic novel about Emmy, pregnant at 15. Read by tens of thousands of teens. American Library Association Best Books for Young Adults List; South Carolina Young Adult Book Award.
3–TOO SOON FOR JEFF Jeff is a senior, a nationally ranked debater, and reluctant father of Christy’s unborn baby. Best Books for Young Adults; Quick Pick for Young Adult Reluctant Readers; ABC After-School TV Special.
4–BEYOND DREAMS Six short stories dealing with situations faced by teenagers - drinking and driving, racism, school failure, abortion, partner abuse, aging relative, “...believable, likeable, and appropriately thoughtful.” —Booklist
5–BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? Erica pours more and more of her life into helping boyfriend Danny get back on track. But the more she tries to help him, the more she loses sight of her own dreams. It takes a tragic turn of events to show Erica that she can’t “save” Danny, and that she is losing herself in the process of trying.
6–BABY HELP Melissa doesn’t consider herself abused - after all, Rudy only hits her occasionally when he’s drinking . . . until she realizes the effect his abuse is having on her child.
7–IF YOU LOVED ME Are love and sex synonymous? Must Lauren break her promise to herself in order to keep Tyler’s love? “engaging, though-provoking read, recommended for reluctant readers.” Booklist
8–LOVE RULES A testament to the power of love - in family, in friendships, and in teen couples, whether gay or straight, of the same ethnicity or not. It is a testament to the power of gay/straight alliances in working toward the safety of all students.
9–NO MORE SAD GOODBYES “For all the sadness in it, Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope. It’s a very positive presentation of adoption, especially open adoption.” Kliatt
10–SHUT UP Mario (17) and Eddie (9) move in with their aunt after their mother is sent to Iraq with her National Guard unit. Months later, Mario discovers their aunt’s boyfriend in the act of sexually molesting Eddie. Mario’s sole purpose is now to protect his little brother. He takes extreme measures.
Praise for the Hamilton High Series
“Reynolds’ treatment of youth and their challenges, from sexual abstinence to mixed-race parentage, is compassionate, never condescending; the dialogue, situations, emotions, and behavior of the well-defined teen characters ring true. [If You Loved Me is] an engaging, thought-provoking read . . .”
—Shelle Rosenfeld, Booklist
“Out of all the books I’ve read (and trust me, I’ve read tons of books), yours have impacted me the most. They are filled with reality and hope and strength, and make me feel stronger.”
—Gillian, Georgia
“For all the sadness in [No More Sad Goodbyes], Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope.”
—Claire Rosser, Kliatt
“I have just finished reading Detour for Emmy. I wanted you to know that in all my years of school that book is the first book that I have honestly read from cover to cover. I can’t wait to read more of yours.”
—Amy, Montana
“Touching on the adolescent themes of teenage sex, adoption, and abortion - this [No More Sad Goodbyes] topical novel is poignant and inspiring.”
—Lambda Rising
“I want to tell you that I find your books very interesting and reading them has helped me get through a lot in my life. Thank you.”
—Julie, La Puente High School
“Before I read If You Loved Me I had never bothered to check out a book at a library, but now I can’t stop reading. Thank you for changing the way I lived my life.”
—Maria, Bell Gardens High School
“Your book [But What About Me?] touched me because it feels like I was the only one going through these things, but when I read your book I knew that I wasn’t alone.”
—Kendra, Wisconsin
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Also by Marilyn Reynolds
True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High
Telling
Detour For Emmy
Too Soon for Jeff
Beyond Dreams
But What About Me?
Baby Help
If You Loved Me
Love Rules
No More Sad Goodbyes
Shut Up
Eddie's Choice
About the Author
Marilyn Reynolds is the author of eleven books of realistic teen fiction: Eddie's Choice, Shut Up, No More Sad Goodbyes, But What About Me, Love Rules, Baby Help, Telling, If You Loved Me, Beyond Dreams, Too Soon for Jeff and Detour for Emmy, all part of the popular True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High. Reynolds is also the author of a book for educators, I Won't Read and You Can't Make Me: Reaching Reluctant Teen Readers, and Over 70 and I Don't Mean MPH. Reynolds has a variety of published personal essays to her credit, and was nominated for the ABC Afterschool Special teleplay of Too Soon for Jeff.
Reynolds worked with reluctant learners and teens in crises at a southern California alternative high school for more than two decades. She remains actively involved in education through author presentations to middle and high school students ranging from struggling readers to highly motivated writers who are interested in developing work for possible publication. She also presents staff development workshops for educators and is often a guest speaker for programs and organizations that serve teens, parents, teachers, and writers.
Reynolds lives in Sacramento where she enjoys neighborhood walks, visits with friends and family, movies and dinner out, and the luxury of reading at odd hours of the day and night.
About the Publisher
New Wind is an independent publisher dedicated to providing readers with quality fiction and non-fiction. We believe in the craft of writing, the importance of books, and the ability of the written word to express truth, convey beauty, and change lives. We work closely and collaboratively with each writer through the entire stage of bringing a book to life. Writers interested in submitting manuscripts to New Wind Publishing should request to be added to our mailing list; we will notify you when our reading periods open.
n Reynolds, Telling
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