by Audra Morgan
So that's how it all began. While I typically spend two weeks researching a new electric toothbrush before buying it, we ended up taking the plunge into the strange and mysterious world of swinging without even realizing it was happening. We accidentally fell into the pool head first and kind of liked it, and we’ve been learning to swim ever since. We have learned so much in the past five years - things about ourselves, about others, and about relationships, that we never would have learned otherwise. Much to our chagrin, most of this learning has involved tragic, humorous, and embarrassing experiences which have left us with a range of reactions from laughter to tears, and pretty much everything in between. The following pages contain some of the life lessons we've learned through some of the most unusual, hilarious, and sometimes traumatic experiences we have ever had.
Chapter Three
Swinging into Divorce Court, or How to Kill a Relationship in Ten Minutes Flat
I hate to be negative so early on in my storytelling. Oh, who am I kidding, no I don’t. The harsh reality is that swinging is kind of like drinking. It amplifies whatever is going on at the moment. Just as a happy person becomes an ecstatic drunk or an angry person becomes a raging drunken maniac, swinging takes a relationship to its extreme. It magnifies every little detail, which can sometimes lead to some amazing revelations, but also very often leads to problems. Tiny cracks in the foundation of a mostly happy relationship can quickly become chasms, and the outcome often isn’t pretty.
Personally speaking, we’ve both felt the effects of this amplification of problems, emotions, insecurities, and issues. We’ve dealt with jealousy, and that’s required considerable talking, reassuring, and self-reflection. We’ve dealt with our own personal insecurities, and I believe we’ve become stronger as a result, both individually and as a couple. Most of all, this little endeavor smacked us in the face with the fact that we’d had, since the very beginning of our relationship, some major communication problems. Thankfully, we took note of this, and we’ve spent the past several years working tremendously hard to communicate better, more quickly, and more completely. For me, that’s been the best side perk of swinging, and I will forever be grateful for this unexpected opportunity to become a better, and happier, couple.
While this has been a great learning and bonding experience for us, for many couples we’ve met, swinging has had the opposite effect, and the relationship couldn’t withstand the problems it exposed and magnified. We’ve met quite a few couples in passing, only to discover later they are no longer together. We’ve also had a few experiences during which we were able to see those cracks in the foundation widening, and we knew the couple was in for trouble, and that we better get away quickly before we ended up being collateral damage. Oh, and sometimes you just don’t see it coming at all, and they probably don’t either. Our first couple, Alan and Beth, are now divorced. Fortunately, we did not get sucked into their drama, but in a few other instances we most certainly ended up with a lot more chaos than we bargained for.
Our first, of many, “questionable” swinging experiences started out seeming like the best turn of events we could have hoped for. We were a few months into our journey when we met a young, professional, attractive couple with whom we found we had a lot in common. We’d emailed back and forth online a bit, and then they agreed to meet us at our favorite bar for drinks and dancing. There was instant chemistry all around, and we went home giddy and smiling after a few hours of talking, dancing, flirting, and kissing. We’d had only one experience since our first drunken night at the sex club, and it hadn’t been a particularly great one, so we were excited about the possibilities with this new couple who seemed utterly perfect.
We chatted online quite a bit with the Justin, the male half of the couple, as Jenny worked crazy hours and wasn’t usually able to get online. It seemed everyone was on the same page and into the situation, and we met a second time for dinner, drinks, more dancing, and more kissing. Again, Tyler and I went home absolutely bubbling over with excitement, and with all that extra energy, we had some particularly amazing sex. We chatted with Justin and Jenny online a bit more, then we made plans to get together a third time. It was sort of understood that this would be the date we “sealed the deal.” Everyone seemed excited and anxious, and we planned to have dinner, then meet at the swingers club for their annual St. Patrick’s Day party.
Dinner went well, although I began to realize I found Jenny more than a little bit overbearing. Perhaps the cocktails had dulled my senses a bit during our previous two encounters. Or perhaps I was too busy kissing Justin to notice. I grinned through the dinnertime conversation, which she dominated, still very excited about the night to come. We finished dinner and headed to the club, where we all began to drink and talk a bit more. It was revealed during our conversation that night that swinging had been completely her idea, and that he’d agreed to go along with it to make her happy. I was surprised to learn this, but I later discovered that more often than not, women are the driving force in a couple’s decision to take that step.
We talked and laughed more, and at some point we ended up heading upstairs in search of a room in which to have some slightly more intimate fun. It was packed – who knew St. Patrick’s Day was such a big deal? I ended up wandering with Justin down a hall and into a large room where a few couples were together on a large bed. We sat on a bench and kissed for several minutes before we discovered Tyler and Jenny had not followed us. We begrudgingly left our comfy makeout spot and returned to the main hallway, where we found the two of them standing against a wall kissing passionately. Just then, I noticed a room was available, and we literally dove into it just as a few other couples attempted to lay claim to it.
Once in the room, the clothes came off pretty quickly. We’d been chatting about this, and anticipating it, for weeks now, and we were quite excited. Our excitement, however, ended rather abruptly when Jenny grabbed Justin, pulled him over against the wall, and whispered into his ear for what felt, to us, like hours as we sat there, naked, wondering what in the world was happening. When they returned, Justin very awkwardly informed us we’d just be sticking with our own partners that night. Tyler and I proceeded to have the most awkward sex we’d thus far had in our lives, lying next to the couple who’d seemed totally into us five minutes earlier, only to suddenly decide they wanted nothing to do with us. Once everyone was dressed, Jenny acted like nothing unusual had happened, and for some reason, that just made things seem stranger. We were puzzled by this encounter for a long while, but we later discovered that just because things seem on the up and up, and everyone appears to be on the same page, that’s no reason to assume things won’t get weird as hell once everyone gets naked.
We discovered recently that Justin and Jenny are no longer together. Apparently their relationship was a toxic one, and she was domineering, manipulative, and selfish. This is Justin’s side, of course, but I tend to believe it. We’d gone home that night feeling very confused, down on ourselves, and all around bewildered by what had caused such a rapid change in their feelings towards us. As it turns out, she just didn’t like me one bit. She wanted the situation to be all about her, and I suppose I was a little too eager to be with her man. I guess she’d decided she was okay with it, in theory, but the reality didn’t sit well with her, and as soon as she realized we were going to have sex, she pulled the plug on the whole encounter. It was nice to get a little clarity, albeit several years later. At the time, though, it threw us, and sadly, that experience was replaced in our memory by one that was much more shocking, and frankly, one we should have known better than to let happen at all.
We took a bit of a break after the Justin and Jenny debacle, and some months down the road we ended up in contact with another couple who was brand new to swinging. Michael and Karen were incredibly sweet and genuine, and it didn’t hurt that they were pretty easy on the eyes. We emailed back and forth and chatted quite a bit, and they asked if we would meet them. We had plans to hang out at on
e of our favorite spots on a Friday night, and they agreed to meet us there. It was a rainy night, and we didn’t think they’d show up, but they finally appeared, soaking wet and looking like deer in headlights. We headed to a quiet corner at the upstairs bar, and we talked for several hours. As it turned out, they were quite open with their unique reasons for deciding to experiment with another couple. Michael had had an indiscretion with a woman at his workplace, and Karen, who’d never been with another man than Michael, responded by entering into a year long relationship with another woman. That relationship had recently ended, and Karen decided she wanted to try something different, and that she felt she really needed to experience sex with another man besides her husband. Can you hear the warning sirens and see the red flags popping up all around us? We didn’t! We’re hopelessly naïve sometimes, even in the face of the most obvious signs that danger lies directly ahead.
So somehow we repeated the same pattern we’d established in our ill-fated encounters with Justin and Jenny. We had a second date consisting of dinner, dancing, and copious amounts of flirting and kissing, followed by plans to get naked on our third date. It definitely seemed familiar in a not-so-great way, but we were hopeful that things would be different this time around. And boy, were they. As it turned out, our third date fell on Michael and Karen’s wedding anniversary, and they’d secured reservations at an upscale restaurant, along with a nice hotel room downtown. They decided on dinner alone, then drinks and hotel room fun with us afterwards. It was a busy tourist weekend, so we headed out early and began the festivities at our usual drinking spot. We had a great time drinking and talking and musing over the events to come. There was an air of cautious enthusiasm as we discussed Karen and Michael and our expectations for the night. Finally, they texted us and let us know they had finished dinner and were at a nearby bar. As soon as we arrived at the bar, we noticed the energy was off, and their attitude seemed somewhat different than it had our previous two encounters. We chalked it up to nerves and ordered a round of cocktails.
After thirty minutes or so of somewhat strained conversation, Michael asked if we wanted to walk to the hotel. We’d parked quite far away, but we decided just to leave our vehicle and make the walk with them. After a lengthy stop to purchase vodka to bring back to the hotel, followed by an overly dramatic lost-scarf incident which threatened to ruin the night, we made it to the hotel. Tyler and I were not exactly seasoned swinging veterans at this point, but we’d had enough experience that we weren’t particularly nervous. We were ready to make a drink, get naked, and have some harmless fun. What we were not prepared for was the most awkward game of strip poker we’ve ever been forced to play.
Let me backtrack just a bit. As I mentioned, we expected to have a drink and have some fun. Much to our surprise, when we arrived in the hotel room, Michael pulled a deck of cards from his backpack. “Do you know how to play Spades?” Michael asked with a shy smile.
“No. Sure don’t,” I replied, seriously considering the possibility that I was on a hidden camera show. What in the hell was going on here?
“Oh, it’s easy. We can show you how to play,” he quickly stammered as he motioned for us to sit on the bed and began to deal out the cards. Tyler and I are not often speechless, but I must admit, we had no words. One look at each other said it all, though, and I knew Tyler was thinking if I’d had one or two more drinks, I’d probably have freaked the hell out at this completely bizarre turn of events. I plopped down on the mattress with my vodka cranberry and proceeded to act as though I had no clue what anyone was talking about, or how the game was played. I was, quite simply, over it. They began to sense my restlessness, and suddenly it was suggested that we play strip poker instead. Now you might call me sheltered, but I must admit, I’d never played strip poker. I’m a big fan of getting naked without cards forcing me to. I’m also not a fan of drinking games; again, why not just drink? So this new spin on the evening left me even more befuddled, yet I still attempted to maintain my composure.
A few poker hands in, and socks and shoes had come off. The excitement was nearly too much for me to bear. It was at this point that we began to realize Michael was stacking the deck to ensure I had a losing hand several times in a row. I found this both amusing and perplexing, as I’d made it pretty clear I’d take my clothes off without losing at a game. Yet I continued to play along, and suddenly I was the only one in the room without a stitch of clothes on. Karen was topless by this point, and she was clutching a king sized pillow to save her life, as if she might die if one of us caught a glimpse of a breast. I followed her lead and sat there, totally naked, yet covering myself with a pillow with one hand as I attempted to hold my cards with the other. Karen suddenly let out a loud sigh, glared at Michael, and muttered, “Of course, he’s cheating. That’s what he does.” Ouch. At that point, I’d had enough of the literal and figurative game playing, and I also, quite bluntly, had to use the bathroom. Five vodka cranberries had taken their toll on my bladder. I tossed the pillow down dramatically, stood up, and walked naked to the bathroom. Karen looked mortified. I was mildly amused.
Now, you’re probably reading this and wondering why we didn’t just leave. Trust me, I wonder that myself. I have always been cursed with a need to think things will turn out well, no matter how bad they may seem. At this point, I have come to understand these rose-colored glasses have been our undoing more than a few times, but on that night I still held out hope that things could, and would, turn around. I came out of the bathroom, endured a few more rounds of poker, and then found myself giving Michael a blowjob after yet another losing hand since I had no more clothes to forfeit. Things were on the right track, finally. He stopped me after a short while, then everyone was kissing, and he turned out the lights. The remaining articles of clothing ended up on the floor, and Michael and I were kissing at the head of the bed, while Tyler and Karen were closer to the foot of the bed.
Suddenly Karen grabbed Michael and pulled him over to the window, and she began…you guessed it…whispering…intently to him. Game over. Once again, a fun night derailed by a whispering redhead with issues. Michael shrugged and said we would not be doing any sort of swapping, and we tried to make the best of it and do our own thing. I then felt Michael’s hand on my breast and noticed him staring at us as Karen literally seethed with resentment at our presence. I gave Tyler a quick nod, and we were dressed and out the door within two minutes. These couples may not realize they can’t fix a broken marriage through swinging, but we finally, truly realized in that moment that we can avoid playing any part in their issues.
Karen emailed us the next day and explained that she thought swinging would help her feel better about her husband’s infidelity, but she had been mistaken. She thought being with another man would somehow right the wrong that Michael had done to her, but I think in that moment she realized he was also going to be with me, which kept things from being evened out in her mind. I have no idea if Karen and Michael are still together, but they deleted their swing website profile shortly after that night. I definitely think that was the right move for them, and I hope they worked out their issues and are now happily married. Somehow, though, I wouldn’t bet on it.
Those were two brushes with broken relationships, and I must admit we did have a few more. It seems every time we go out and run into people from the local swing community, we learn of another divorce taking place. Of course, “regular” folks are getting divorced left and right too; it’s certainly not an epidemic exclusive to swinging couples. The fact remains, though, that if you’re not indulging in swinging for the same reasons, and if your relationship isn’t in pretty damned good shape to begin with, swinging just may send you on a one way trip to divorce court. If nothing else, it will at least send us running rapidly in the other direction, to get away from the drama.
Chapter Four
Hardcore Swinging, or How to Tell You Need to Get a Life, Pronto
I have to say, I really, really hate the term “lifestyle
” being used in reference to swinging. That being said, some people really take the concept of the “swing lifestyle” and run with it. They decide, at some point, that swinging isn’t merely an occasional recreational activity; by God, it’s a way of life, and every possible facet of their existence will be consumed by that lifestyle. It’s gotten easier and easier for people to do just that; swinging websites abound, there’s a swinger-centric cruise, convention, or all inclusive vacation just about every week of the year, and swing clubs and house parties are to be found in even the smallest of cities around the United States. It’s never been a better time to be a swinger, and it’s never been easier to let it take over your life.
We’ve been visiting that sex club we went to the night of our fateful first encounter for about five years now. We go a few times a month, and we’ve taken quite a few breaks from that routine. There are, however, people who visit that club at least three or four times a week, and also participate in house parties, visit other clubs, and participate in other swing-related events on a regular basis. Practically all of their friends are swingers, and everything they do seems to be infused with “the lifestyle.” There are core cliques of people that fully embrace this way of life, practically living at the sex club, while other couples come and go, participating for a time in the “hardcore swinger” life before moving on, most likely, to other, more varied interests.