It’s hard to comprehend that so many people whom I thought were my true friends were just “friends.” And I’m sure I am not alone in feeling this way. On this journey, I’ve met other chronically ill people at doctors’ offices and clinics, and you can read the disconnection and loneliness on their faces. This is so sad because being chronically ill makes you feel alone enough. Coming to terms with some of the friends and family members who have not shown up forces me to take inventory of the people in my life. It sounds cliché, but during this dark time I learn who my real friends are and understand their capacity to love and support. My core group is small, but they’re mighty. They don’t say, “Let me know if you need anything.” They figure out what I need and show up without asking.
July 16, 2014
Coming back to life … mind, body, and soul.
#NeverGivingUp #LymeWarrior
I try to focus on getting through filming and my current health protocol of supplements, stem cells, a very strict gluten- and dairy-free diet, and doing the hyperbaric chamber and colonics twice a week. Then one afternoon when I’m home in bed, my brother calls.
“Mom has uterine cancer,” he says. “The doctors are going to do a complete hysterectomy and then a special form of internal radiation for eight weeks.” I’m shocked and devastated. But I’m not surprised because my mother hasn’t felt well for a long time. I knew something had to be wrong. Obviously, my first instinct is to get on a plane ASAP, but I’m not feeling well and have several Housewives obligations. Unfortunately, I can’t juggle both. Although I’m not with her when she has the surgery, friends in the community step up, taking turns cooking meals for her each day. A few weeks later, I’m able to go see her. I hire someone to check in on her every morning and bring her fresh eggs from the farm.
At the same time, Kyle and her husband, Mauricio, are taking a family vacation on a yacht in Majorca, Spain, part of which will be filmed for the show. Since Holland is only an hour and a half away by plane, they invite me for the weekend. I’ve known Kyle for a couple of years, but not very intimately, so I think this will be a great opportunity to spend time with her and her family in a more substantial way than we have while filming for the show. Once I arrive, everything is great. I have always connected with Mauricio, and I enjoy getting to know their beautiful, kind daughters, who are a pleasure to be with. I also enjoy spending time alone with Kyle. I love her interest in our European culture, and our more intimate talks, which we’ve never engaged in before, feel very genuine. We’re both devoted mothers, and each of us has a daughter leaving for college in the fall. We enjoy the breathtaking natural surroundings, being on the water, and the delicious food.
On my second day, we’re sitting at the table and about to start lunch when my phone rings. The caller ID says “Home,” so I know it’s David, and the minute I hear his voice, my gut tells me that something is wrong.
“I didn’t want to tell you now…,” David begins, pausing. Is Bella sick? Is Anwar okay? Is it Gigi?
“What? What?” I say, interrupting him. It’s something serious.
“Well, Bella…,” he says.
“What about Bella?” What?! Just say it. My heart sinks into my shoes. I get up from the table and go down to my cabin to get away from the cameras when he says, “Bella was arrested for a DUI.” I can’t catch my breath, and the adrenaline starts rushing through my body. It’s like a train ran over my heart. DUI. Drinking and driving. OMG. My “what if?” button goes from one to ten in a split second because my greatest fear has always been the thought of losing one of my children in a car accident the way I lost my father. What if she had hurt someone? What if she had crashed and died?
“I wanted to wait ’til you got home, but unfortunately it’s already on TMZ and the Internet,” David says. “I figured you’d find out.” I’m devastated by Bella’s choices but she is safe. The worst part is that I’m being filmed as I find out this horrible news and even though I go into my room and shut the door, they continue filming. Even though David is holding down the fort in L.A., I disagree with his parenting style and all I want to do is get on a flight home and hold Bella in my arms because she is scared and devastated. Being so far away makes me feel helpless. Unfortunately, the next flight isn’t until tomorrow. I’ve barely digested this news, so I’m not ready to share it with Kyle and thousands of Bravo fans. I take off my mic and ask the producers for permission to get off the boat so that I can walk and pace until my nerves calm down. I do my best to hold it together and not have a total meltdown in front of everyone, but back in my room I cry my way through a box of tissues.
Since I have been a single mom who raised Bella for most of her life, I immediately blame myself. I take it personally and doubt my parenting skills. Where did I screw up? We talked about the dangers of drinking and driving a thousand times. I have always told my kids that I’ll pick them up anytime, day or night, no questions asked. They should never get in a car with someone who’s been drinking or drive drunk themselves. A million thoughts go through my mind but the truth is that Bella has been an extraordinary child for seventeen years. She is edgy but lived a very disciplined life as an equestrian competitor, so this reckless choice is so shocking and disappointing. Her integrity and philosophy of life is always so right on and far beyond her years so her decision is hard to understand and a blow to my confidence as her mommy. But then again, Bella is human, and being a mother is discovering strengths you don’t know you have and dealing with fears you never knew existed.
I talk to Bella most of the night on the phone until I get her three best friends to go over to my house to watch her because she is devastated. Early the next morning I catch a flight back to L.A. My emotions run high and I am so scared that I just break down and cry the entire way home. The other passengers probably think I’m some loony who lacks control, but I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of vulnerability that I have never felt before. Midway through the flight, I open my laptop and try to write Bella a long letter. Initially, it’s difficult to put my thoughts together and process all that’s happened in the past twenty-four hours, but I have to accept the fact that Bella made a human error. I still make mistakes and I’m over fifty; expecting my children not to make them is unrealistic and unfair. It’s up to me to show Bella the lesson here as well as the consequences. I write about how much she means to me and how fatal this mistake could have been. I tell her how grateful I am that she didn’t hurt anybody or herself, and that she needs to know that I will have her back 24-7 and 365 days a year, through the good times and the bad.
When I get home, she tells me what happened: Bella and her friends had a bonfire on the beach and were drinking wine. When they needed bottled water, she volunteered to get it and, although the gas station was close enough for her to walk to, she chose to drive. Social media, celebrity Web sites, and tabloids spread the story like wildfire. Of course, Bella is mortified and ashamed of her actions. She has to appear in court, where they suspend her license for a year and put her on six months’ probation. She also has to do twenty-five hours of community service and attend twenty-five hours of AA meetings. I don’t want to punish her for making a mistake but it is my duty to teach her consequences for her actions so I sell her car and make her pay her own legal fees from her lifelong savings account. And I also take away her phone for a month so that she is completely removed from social media and its toxic effect. Interestingly, after the month is over she actually thanks me. She feels reconnected to her real life in the now, looking forward and around rather then down at her phone.
Five weeks after this incident, it’s time to take Bella to college in New York, where she was accepted to study photography and fashion at the Parsons School of Design. I already rented an apartment for her near Gigi’s apartment and with a roommate because her Lyme protocol is a lot to handle and I don’t want her to live by herself while in treatment. When we arrive in New York, I spend several days setting up Bella’s apartment, organizing her closets, hanging p
ictures, and running to the Container Store, as I had for Gigi just a year earlier. This is part of my job as her mother, but it takes every ounce of strength that I have to push through because I feel sick and extremely exhausted. Bella and I also have a meeting with IMG. Earlier this year, I organized test photo shoots for Bella to start building her portfolio. The shoots were hard for her because she never really feels well, but we came well prepared. I’ve already gotten calls from several other modeling agencies but like Gigi, Bella feels that IMG is the right place for her. They have been following her development and are thrilled to sign her. She gets signed that day. This is all a very new direction for my baby girl and although she is still heartbroken over having to give up her riding career she is open to new beginnings. I’m grateful for this opportunity and it feels like things are falling into place and the universe is pushing her to move on from her riding career.
Bella is happy when she comes back to the apartment after her first day of classes. I’m putting the final touches on the apartment, hanging our family paintings on her wall, and am scheduled to fly back to L.A. tonight.
“I have something for you,” Bella says as the two of us sit down on her bed.
“What is it?” I ask.
“A card.” I open it and read these beautiful words.
Dear Mommy,
Please believe me when I say that, from the deepest part of my heart, I’m sorry for what I did. I know there is no excuse and the only thing I want is to gain back your trust and show you that I’m still the good girl you have had for 17 years and that I’m the girl that you raised me to be. This one incident is a big mistake that I take very seriously, but please trust that this doesn’t define who I am as a person. I love you.—Your Forever Baby Girl
Tears are rolling down my cheeks by the time I finish reading this meaningful note. I am touched by her words and the fact that she nailed my trust issue. I think she’s learning and growing from this experience.
“What happened doesn’t mean you’re not a good mother, just that kids make mistakes, you know?” Bella says.
“I get it, Baby. I still make mistakes and I’m fifty! So, yes, I know that.” Bella has always been my mirror; somehow, she always has words of wisdom at the right time.
“Mommy, I learned my lesson,” she says. “Don’t worry about me being here in New York.” When I took Gigi to college last year, the experience was new for me, and I panicked about a lot of things that I don’t even think about with Bella. But leaving her is hard because she’s suffering greatly from her Lyme symptoms. Combine that with her DUI and I feel insecure about letting her go. Yet when I read her card and talk to her, I realize that my insecurities about Bella’s “not being ready” are my insecurities, not hers.
In the next two semesters at Parsons Bella works very hard, determined to be a straight A student. But she is also booking a lot of modeling jobs and doing Lyme treatments. This would be a lot for a healthy person to keep up with, let alone a teenager battling chronic Lyme disease, and she doesn’t have the stamina for it all. I really feel she is pushing herself to the limit and is about to break down if I don’t step in.
“Bella, a modeling career might not be here forever,” I tell her. “But you can always go back to college and further your education later.” Mohamed doesn’t really interfere with my parenting style but he is dead set on all three kids going to college, so I have to support him on that. But I also know my business and, as I advised Gigi, I truly believe that if you hit one sweet spot in this career, you grab it with both hands and go for it. If you let it pass, it may never come again. I discuss it with her treating physicians and get a doctor’s note so that Bella can take a leave of absence from Parsons and put her studies on hold while she focuses on modeling and, most importantly, getting healthy.
It’s also time for me to refocus on my health. My friend Laurie recommends that I see Aaron Cameron, a naturopath and holistic health practitioner who uses all sorts of unique devices, like the Rife machine, a high-frequency healing device. He works out of his garage in Malibu, but despite this humble and interesting kind of “office,” he’s had great results with other people who were sick, even a few Lyme patients. When I meet him, I really like his way of thinking and his passion for holistic medicine. Three times a week, I go to his garage and I’m on the Rife machine for hours at a time. But after three months, I’m not making enough progress, despite my dedication. Still, I respect Aaron’s insight, so I’m interested when he tells me about an Australian doctor practicing in Mexico who helped both Aaron’s mother and father get better when they were ill. As I do with every treatment and doctor, I research this doctor. He did a clinical trial with a well-known Los Angeles hospital. I’m intrigued by his AIDS theory and research, but then the story gets a little fuzzy. Apparently, he invented something at this hospital but was somehow out of the picture when they were close to finding a cure. Still, the pros outweigh the cons and I like his philosophy, which goes back to healing the immune system to fight cancer, AIDS, Lyme, and other immune disorders. So in mid-September, Anwar, who doesn’t want me to go alone, flies with me to Zacatecas, northwest of Mexico City. It seems like the middle of nowhere, and feels like another crazy and very mysterious adventure. We check into the hotel and I am told to wait for the doctor, who works at a laboratory but doesn’t have an actual office in the city.
Waiting in my hotel room all day gives me a lot of time to question my decision to be here. I think of many reasons to pack my bag and leave, but I am driven to find a cure. It’s now five o’clock and the doctor is still not here. Around six we decide to go for a walk and explore the town. I love the vibe of this beautiful, authentic little village. We have a nice dinner and it’s obvious that people just seem to live and enjoy their simple lives with a lot of music in their hearts. When we get back to our room we are exhausted and about to fall asleep when I hear a knock at the door. It’s now ten o’clock. The doctor comes into my room and shakes my hand. Even though I already spoke to him on the phone many times, he explains his treatments. He seems like a very intelligent man.
He proceeds to give me intramuscular injections of holistic remedies and some special skin gel in a syringe for my face. It all seems bizarre, like another scene from the Dallas Buyers Club, but I have faith and I trust Aaron’s research on this and the fact that he had his very proper Canadian parents treated here, so I’m trying to go with the flow.
“I’ve been going to small villages here in Mexico to help local people who have cancer, and they’re healing,” he says. “But I’ve also had a lot of celebrities travel to me, like Charlie Sheen.” If people with access to the best are coming to see him, there must be something to it.
For the next three nights the doctor comes to my room at ten to give me the same injections.
“What’s so magical about ten o’clock?” I ask him.
“I like to travel when I’m not seen, in the dark,” he says. Some nights the oddness of it all hits me, and I wonder if this is all worth it. Yet what choice do I have after all these years besides dabbling in this world of underground medicine? The best medical system in the world has failed me. I’m desperate!
Yet, despite my hopes that this treatment will be the One, the only benefit is a short-lived anti-inflammatory response and a little boost in my energy. Besides that, I am pretty much back to square one. I am discouraged and file this under “Waste of Money” and “Not a cure for Lyme.”
September 14, 2014
Sometimes discouraged but still
determined to find a cure.
#LymeDisease #ZacatecasMexico
At the end of September, the Housewives season is about to wrap but not without an all-cast trip. I’m struggling through my days but I am so excited because we’re going to Holland! I think it’s the perfect time to take the cast and crew to see where I was born and how I was raised and to learn more about me and my country. I often feel like a fish out of water with this group of women, and sometimes I’
m sure they view me the same way. Maybe they’ll understand me better after meeting my family and experiencing my culture. When we arrive in Amsterdam, I’m thrilled to be home sweet home and surrounded by the smell of my country, the food, and the language. This is where I feel most complete. The first day we walk around a bit and then go to an all-cast dinner at a cute restaurant near our hotel.
To start the trip, I give a little welcome speech and suggest we go around the table and see if anyone has something to share that will connect us on a deeper level. “I know you all heard that Bella got a DUI and you are talking about it behind my back, so let me put it out in the open. The thought of what could’ve happened to Bella shook the core of me, and although this has been a very unfortunate experience, I have no shame around it. I am just very scared for Bella about the backlash on social media once this airs on TV. I’m sharing this with you because I think sometimes we try to hide these things from each other and pretend that everything is perfect. Well, guess what? I’m not perfect. None of us are and neither is my family.”
Believe Me Page 16