Just days later, I go on a trip to Tahiti with Paul and his family. Initially, I try to decline Paul’s generous invitation because I’m still in pain from the dental surgery and afraid to travel, but he is persistent.
“You need to sit in the sun, eat normal food, go ten days without needles and treatments,” he says. “Give your body a break.” He is right. I throw a few bathing suits in a suitcase and make my way to the airport. About an hour into the flight, my face starts to swell and my teeth begin to throb to the point that it’s unbearable. I don’t like taking prescription pain medication, so I haven’t used any since the surgery but thank God Daisy put them in my purse before I left. After taking one of them and applying some ice packs to my face, the pain calms down and I make it through the rest of the eight-hour flight.
This trip to paradise at a charming little beach hotel with people I love turns out to be one of my best vacations ever. There is a profound shift inside of me, and I truly believe it’s the beginning of a new chapter. It is crucial for me to be close to nature and connected to the earth, so I spend every day soaking in the gorgeous warm Tahitian waters with a big sun hat on my head. After a couple of days I actually feel like gently stretching my arms in the water. I haven’t moved my body like this in what seems like years, so it feels incredible. The only flaw in the plan is my excruciating dental pain. But the local island people at the hotel bring me a special oil to place on the surgery sites with ice packs. My girlfriend Mareva’s family is here as well, and their humble and grounded Tahitian energy is contagious. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to share their beautiful culture and the simplicity of the sun, sea, fresh fish, fruits, and fuchsia hibiscus flowers far away from the complexity of my isolated life at home. I take my daily supplements, but ten days without IVs and shots is exactly what I need. Outside the comfort zone of my cocoon, I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel and finally experience the feeling of joy. Paul, who has always been my guardian angel, has been part of everything good and bad in my life. He’s never left my side and is always there when I need him the most. I often wonder how I got so lucky, but, as I’ve said before, I don’t believe in coincidences. He is meant to be in my life, and I treasure our friendship. The only thing missing on this perfect trip is my kids, so, as great as it is to be away, it’s exciting to get home to my Anwar. Our life at our new home has settled in nicely and it feels like we are finally getting back to living in harmony. Anwar is growing and maturing into an extraordinary spiritual human being and I am proud to call him my son.
April 4, 2016
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, remember that
God has given you a thousand reasons to smile.
#Sunset #CountingMyBlessings #Tahiti
In the past couple of years, Paige has often talked to me about ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru. (Ayahuasca is a controlled substance in the United States.) Supposedly, they can help reset the brain to allow for deep healing, clear parasites from the body, and provide other purifying medicinal properties. The literature is fascinating and makes it sound somewhat appealing, yet the thought of traveling to Peru right now is not. I work with Micah, a healer from Hawaii a couple times a year, and at my next appointment he mentions that there is actually an ayahuasca ceremony much closer than Peru. And it’s this weekend!
“The shaman who runs it is very well respected and really good at what he does,” Micah tells me. Is the universe placing this opportunity in my lap? Should I seize this moment? The second I leave his office, I call Paige from the car.
“I’m in,” she says before I finish telling her all the details. The next day, I call the shaman and we talk for a while, plus he asks me an array of questions about my medical history and medication use. Pharmaceutical drugs apparently do not mix with the traditional ayahuasca medicine, made from the caapi vine that grows only in the rain forest, which you take during the ceremony.
“This is a very serious spiritual journey that is taken without any expectations and an open heart, not a drug-induced party,” he explains in a serious tone of voice.
The following Saturday, Paige and I travel together to the event. Although we’re both pulled to this ceremony by some force, neither of us has done this kind of thing before, and we have no idea what we are getting into. On the way, we laugh and giggle like two young girls who are going to do something forbidden. We have a difficult time finding the place where the ceremony is to be held. The sun has set so it’s starting to get dark and it’s a bit unsettling to be lost.
Finally, we arrive at this big house. I’m not sure why but I had imagined the ceremony would be outside somewhere in nature, but instead we walk into what could be anyone’s living room with about fifteen strangers sitting in a circle. Each one has a towel, water bottle, bucket, little mattress, and pillow. Paige and I don’t have anything, not even water bottles, so we’re not only late but a little embarrassed as we join this well-prepared circle. Despite the strangeness of it all, there’s something warm and soothing about the energy in the room. The shaman is here with his wife, a beautiful angel dressed in white, whom I connect with instantly. She carries their young baby in a sling, so it feels like a family. Most of the people here have experience with ayahuasca ceremonies and I can clearly feel that there is some sort of bond within the group.
Finally, the ceremony starts. The shaman has three helpers, who assist us as he gives very clear instructions about how to conduct ourselves during the ceremony. Then he recites a long and very meaningful prayer. After this, he serves everyone the spiritual medicine. It is a thick and brown liquid that tastes and looks a bit like molasses. The effects of it come on slowly, but soon enough I know what the bucket is for: everyone starts throwing up. I don’t vomit much, maybe because I’ve already gotten rid of so many toxins. Paige is next to me though, puking uncontrollably. We fasted for twenty-four hours before the ceremony, so it’s interesting to see what the body expels, which looks like bile. It’s yellow, but also black tarry stuff, said to be toxins.
The shaman and two women play music and sing beautiful songs, an extraordinary and integral part of this ceremony, and the lyrics about healing and the earth are mesmerizing. It’s a truly profound experience that walks me through many aspects of my life with a lot of clarity about my journey. After about six or seven hours, people start to fall asleep on their little mattresses. Paige is snoozing happily beside me, yet my debilitated brain actually feels energized, awake, and open, as if the medicine activated all my brain neurons that have been asleep for years. I just lie on the hardwood floor with a great appreciation for this new experience. The shaman gave us some pillows from the couch last night but I am far from comfortable.
I can’t fall asleep. It seems like a waste of time when I have so much important information to download from this experience so I walk outside and sit on the doorstep of the house. I watch the sunrise with a new excitement and understanding of my journey. Something has shifted in my energy field and I feel like I have elevated to a higher consciousness. I am exhausted and ready to go home for a hot shower and my soft bed but the shaman’s wife tells me about kambo, a frog-venom treatment that apparently makes you purge your already empty stomach. It’s said to be one of the best ways to empower your immune system and one of the strongest antibiotics and anesthetics in the world. Its pain-killing peptides are believed to be four thousand times stronger than morphine. Some say kambo can even be used as a vaccine. Not surprisingly, used traditionally by natives in Peru as part of a spiritual ceremony, kambo has not been scientifically tested or evaluated by the U.S. medical establishment or the FDA. Doing it after the ayahuasca ceremony is optional, but the shaman’s wife thinks it could really benefit me. Okay, I am sold! Can you imagine if this is the cure? I feel courageous and I can’t wait for everyone else to wake up so I can try it.
When everyone finally awakes, we sit in a circle and discuss the different experiences that each of us had during the ceremony. It’s fascinating ho
w this group of people who felt like such strangers yesterday now feel like one big family that shares a common bond with Mother Earth. Some start breaking their fast, yet as hungry as I felt yesterday, eating right now isn’t appealing. I choose to do the kambo and am the first in the line of three people. I’m a little bit scared, but nonetheless drawn to it. The shaman burns five dots in the skin on the inner side of my left ankle with a wood stick. Then he applies the frog venom paste to the open holes. I instantly feel hot like fire, as if every blood vessel in my body is opening up. Instead of throwing up in the bucket, the reaction is all in my gut and I lock myself in the bathroom with severe diarrhea until it dissipates. This is definitely an intense experience but I am always enchanted by the thought of a cure.
Both exhausted and fulfilled, Paige and I head back to Los Angeles, talking and downloading the entire way. At home, after a long shower and good meal, I sleep like a baby for the rest of the day, feeling quite different and inspired. It has been an awakening experience beyond the limited perception of my mind, and I feel confident and more concrete about the higher purpose of my journey.
June 8, 2016
Choosing to make the rest of my life the best of my life.
#Sunrise #Salute #Intentions
After some great and monumental shifts in my journey, my days are back to the drill, long and in monotone. I am in treatment five days a week and praying for another healing strike. I keep thinking about the joy I felt in Tahiti just three months earlier. It’s something I’m longing for again, so I invite Paige to join me on a second trip to paradise in early June, and of course she says yes. I just signed a book deal with St. Martin’s Press, which is thrilling, but I don’t really know how to start that process. How does one start writing a book? My brain is still not functioning and I am hoping that the island isolation will be a good place for me to focus and find my voice to start telling my story. Filming for my fifth season on the Housewives is starting soon and I feel very hesitant.
Back in October, when the previous season wrapped, I told Alex Baskin that I wasn’t sure I could do another one.
“Let everything that happened this season go. Focus on your recovery, and we’ll talk about it again in the spring,” Alex said. “Don’t make up your mind ’til then.”
I love Alex and Douglas Ross. They have been loyal and honorable in our four-year relationship, and I value their opinions, so I waited to make any decisions. But it’s June now and the thought of starting a new season weighs heavily on me. Of course, I want to fulfill my obligation to my contract and I can use the paycheck. On the other hand, I’ve clearly learned that money can’t buy the health and happiness I deserve. After all the spiritual work I’ve done this year, the show really doesn’t resonate with me anymore. It’s not in line with what I stand for as a person and what I’m trying to accomplish in my health journey. I’ve learned to exist on a different vibration and thinking about the very unpleasant experience of last season, I know it’s time to move on. Yet I don’t quite know how to do that.
The weather in Tahiti this time is much cooler than it was back in March, but I don’t care. Rain or shine, I’m in the water three times a day with my snorkel and flippers, slowly moving through the warm salt water, which my body loves. I also go for walks on the white sand to soak up the ions, barely ever seeing another soul. It’s the perfect place to just let my thoughts run freely. Paige and I play lots of cards, read books, and have endless discussions on how we’re going to find a cure for Lyme and how we are going to continue to educate the world. One afternoon, while we’re playing blackjack, my phone beeps and I see a text from my producer, Chris Cullen, asking about Gigi’s and Bella’s schedules at the upcoming Paris Fashion Week. They want to film it for the show. I immediately feel anxious and overwhelmed, so I don’t respond. Why this strong reaction? Why am I feeling this way?
The next day, Chris calls again.
“Bravo wants to know how much you’re going to be able to participate this season,” he says.
“Ummm…” I am not really sure what to say. “Let me get back to you.” I hang up the phone, grab my flippers and goggles, and jump into the ocean. As the beautiful turquoise water washes over my body, I look up to the heavens and pray for something to show me the way. I start to swim with slow, gentle strokes that open up my breathing, and a thousand thoughts rush through my mind. Why would I go back on the show? I’m still not well enough. I don’t have my brain. Money shouldn’t be my motivation. I also struggle with the way the show exposes my children’s lives, because what started out as fun and games doesn’t feel so safe anymore. Gigi’s and Bella’s careers have taken off with the speed of lightning and they’ve lost a lot of their freedom as a result. Our home should be a private, safe place to anchor and recharge their batteries. I continue to swim for a while as this internal debate runs through my head. Then out of nowhere comes a crystal-clear thought: I’m done! I know what I need to do for me, my health, and my children.
“Thank you,” I say as I smile and look up to the sky. I swim as fast as I can back to Paige at our Tahitian hut in the water.
“I’m done,” I yell out to her, as I climb up the stairs to our hut.
“What do you mean?” she asks, walking out to the deck. “Done with what?”
“The show. I’m done.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” she says. “What about the book deal?” It’s all good. The angels spoke while I was swimming, and my mind is made up. There’s no turning back now.
“I can’t worry about that,” I say. “I’m writing this book because it feels like the right thing to do in my heart.”
“I know you well enough to know that when you say it’s over, it’s over,” Paige says. “So congratulations!” I dry off, find my phone, and call Alex.
“But the audience loves a comeback,” Alex says, as one last-ditch effort to change my mind. “It will be great for them to see you get healthy, get back in the gym, write your book, and just round out your story. Finish it. Create your own final chapter.” Yes, of course that all sounds great and would be a more glamorous ending to my Housewives TV career. But I feel confident that people who are truly interested in knowing how this part of my story ends will somehow get to see it. Quitting the show doesn’t feel like a choice anymore. During the previous season, I demanded so much of myself, and, even though I had approval from my boss to work only when I could, I still felt as if I wasn’t living up to my part. At this point, I feel like there is someone better than me for the job, someone vibrant, healthy, and living her big fancy reality, a reality that certainly is no longer mine. I made a well-deserved six figures on the show each year and am scared to give up that piece of financial independence, but for the first time in my life, I need to make a decision based on what is right for me. The old me would have made this decision based on financial gain. But this isn’t a money-based decision any longer. At this point, I am so spiritually open and in tune that I trust that the universe will provide opportunities for the future.
More important, I’ve made great progress and am starting to feel healthier than I have in years. I can see the finish line. My only goal is a cure and continuing to encourage, educate, and connect people touched by illness, pain, and disability. Being laser-beam focused on my health is crucial at this point, and the stress of the show is not going to help me get healthy. In the past, giving it up would have made me feel like a quitter; now, it makes me feel strong. That door needs to close in order for the next one to open.
A lot of housewives from the various franchises play the I’m-not-coming-back-to-the-show game with the producers because they want more money or to be told how important they are. But I’m pretty sure that everyone at Bravo and Evolution knows me well enough to know that this isn’t the case. I’m grateful that they are supportive of my decision, since I truly value our time together and the relationships I have built with many of them. Although some people in the world need to turn it into a negative and rep
ort that I was fired, that isn’t the truth.
The first person I FaceTime is Ellie. She is happy to hear about my decision to move on. I also call my kids who are proud to see me do the right thing for myself. It has been a very powerful week here in Tahiti. I feel like I have accomplished a lot.
When I’m in solitude I can hear so much more. I figured out how I am going to write my book. I see it clearly now and my first step will be getting dates from my chronological iPhoto journal that I kept these past four years. This will create the perfect roadmap for my book.
June 15, 2016
I would have loved a more graceful exit than Season 6, but sometimes we don’t get to control the ending of the chapters in our lives. I am leaving what’s over without denying its past importance in my life. I believe that every exit is a new entry, and with that in mind I say good-bye to my @BravoTv family as I continue to focus on my recovery and my children, and bringing back the privacy within our home. Thank you to all the fans for your love and unwavering support these past four years. I am grateful for the housewife experience and all it has taught me. I am excited about this CHOICE and look forward to the next chapter in my life.
#RHOBH #TimeToSayGoodbye with #Gratitude@evolutionusa @Bravoandy @Bravotv #WWHL
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