“I don’t think today is right,” I say to Paige when we pull up to Miramar Beach. This is where we will have the memorial and spread Ellie’s ashes with Gracie, Ellie’s husband, David, Holly, and about twenty of Ellie’s closest friends. “It’s so gloomy.”
“No. Today is perfect,” Paige responds.
“It doesn’t feel like it.” Minutes later, a small sliver of sunlight peeks through the clouds.
“See, it wasn’t right, but it’s starting to be,” Paige says, smiling at me. It takes about forty-five minutes for everyone to arrive. Although the sky is starting to clear, I’m still not feeling it. I’m not sure why I feel so off, but this isn’t how I imagined this moment. It’s not the way Ellie envisioned this day that we spoke about in detail before she died.
“Trust the process,” Paige says.
“Let’s just keep walking,” David says. To where? Why is everybody so annoying today? Even though Ellie and I walked this beach a hundred times, we both know that she didn’t like the water, so I’m not exactly sure where we’re going to spread her ashes. Does this even make sense? Suddenly, we see a big construction site in the distance.
“Hey guys, what is that?” I ask my friends.
“That’s the new Rosewood Miramar Beach Resort,” someone says. Now everything makes sense! THIS is where Ellie needs to be. She loved construction and loved watching things being built. David starts to spread her ashes right in front of it, and, although it’s the perfect spot, I still feel strangely uneasy. Not sure what to do with my nervous energy, I grab some seaweed that has washed up on the shore and start creating a big cross in the center of her ashes. I also draw hearts in the sand to create some happy visual. My back is to the sea when all of a sudden, I feel the energy in our group shift from heavy and sad to “Whoa!”
As I turn around, I see two beautiful, shiny, and powerful dolphins jump out of the water with two small babies right behind them. It’s one of those magic moments that makes you cry with joy. What seemed like a sad day turned into the perfect moment. We all start crying and laughing. It’s all okay. She’s here just like she promised she would be. It’s right and it’s time to let it go. Like Ellie always said: AND SO IT IS …
October 16, 2016
So long, my sweet angel @ellieod. Your courageous ALS journey kept things in perspective for all of us. I know your beautiful spirit was there with us today as the dolphins appeared right behind us at the shoreline. I will forever miss you.
#RIP #Elliememorial #Miramarbeach #SantaBarbara
Afterword
One day Paige calls to tell me about this woman, Kelly Kolodney, in Pennsylvania, who connects with the Angel Raphael, traditionally known as the Angel of Healing.
“This could be the final piece to your puzzle so I booked you a phone session,” Paige says. I’ve never heard of this angel before, but it resonates with me. On the day of my appointment, I call Kelly who doesn’t know my name or anything about my life’s journey and she does a reading. I hang up the phone feeling excited about this magical experience. This message confirms everything I already know, yet I find it inspiring to hear it from a complete stranger who put it into such eloquent words. Everything that this angel said rang true and validated my own strong intuition that I’m here for a much larger purpose than just myself. I’ve always been a spiritual person, but this part of me has grown in so many ways as I navigated my health journey. The awareness that there is something bigger than myself has given me the strength and support to help me get to the last level of healing. I am not alone. I have my angel guides. It reminds me every day that my life can be filled with magic, love, and laughter as long as I follow my heart.
As difficult as these past five years have been, I am so grateful that this journey has led me to living in the light. In another dimension where I’m completely free from the life I thought I was supposed to live, a life conditioned by other people’s minds and today’s society. I have had it all and lost it all only to realize that less is more, money can’t buy you health or happiness, and one day at a time is good enough.
My new normal is much more in tune with who I am, and I try to live life more intelligently by consuming organic foods, herbs, and water provided by Mother Earth. I am eager to continue to build on what feels like remission. Although I feel better than I have in many years, the DNA Lyme test still shows positive, so I’m not sure if complete eradication is even a possibility. However, my immune system is functioning better and better as time goes on. I feel healed within the parameters of my current life. I’ve learned to love the authentic me and all of my perfect imperfections. I’m grateful for every moment I get to spend on this beautiful planet with my three children, building a community that holds the same vibration as I do.
Although I am not an author, I enjoyed writing this book because it is time for us to stand up for the truth without being afraid to be judged. I speak on behalf of those who have no voice.
Lyme disease is a global epidemic that steals people’s lives and slowly kills. It is unjust and unfair. BELIEVE ME! We must find a cure affordable for all and unite for a Lyme-free world. I hope and pray that when you heal yourself, whether it is on the physical, emotional, or spiritual level, you will then support healing your neighbor, your mother, your sister, your brother, your cousin, your friend, and someone else’s child across the globe.
My greatest accomplishment, my life …
My childhood in Holland with my horses and connected to the earth.
Momma and Pappa, Ans and Gerard van den Herik, on their wedding day in 1961.
My brother, life partner, and best friend, Leo van Den Herik, in 1965.
So proud of the dress my mom sewed for me and the haircut I gave myself.
My beautiful Momma after a long day of sorting potatoes at the farm.
My first soul mate and spirit animal, Gino.
My first photo shoot, with tears in my eyes, while learning how to smile on command.
The unexpected career that made me a financially independent teenager.
Straight from the barn to the runway for Dutch designer Frans Molenaar in Amsterdam.
That powerful feeling of strength and endless energy.
Excited about my first Vogue photo shoot in Australia.
My mom, my foundation, and the woman who taught me discipline, my work ethic, and perseverance through life’s tough times.
One of the three best days of my life, the birth of my son, Anwar.
Gigi with her rescue pony, Rocky Daddy, at home in Aspen.
With Gigi in Mexico, pregnant with Anwar.
Aspen winter wonderland with Baby G.
Baby Bella.
Just the three of us, waiting for baby Anwar to arrive.
The ones that made my life complete.
A bond like no other, my baby Bella’s third birthday.
My three musketeers starting the journey of life together.
The sugar of my life.
On our way to Holland to see Oma. Photo by Gigi.
Our first Halloween in Santa Barbara.
A precious Anwar and Mommy moment in time.
Retreating to the life I knew and wanted to pass on to my children.
Getting the Dutch ice skating roots activated.
Home in Santa Barbara and doing what I love best.
Anwar and Lucky, my fourth child.
Decorating gingerbread houses and building our family traditions.
My mini me, Gigi.
Passing on the passion of taking care of an animal you love.
The unbreakable bond of sisterhood.
Finding solace in the place I’ve found comfort since I was a little girl.
Digging in the dirt, looking for magical crystals.
Grateful for my Momma’s support during the transition to my life as a single mommy.
Obsessed with theme table decorations.
Lucky 23 and captain of her high school volleyball team.
Fast forward to a new
life in Malibu.
My friend Tom Hahn.
Looking to the universe for answers on Ellie’s ALS diagnosis.
Paige, our sisterhood has exceeded anything we could have imagined the day we met at the Santa Monica car wash.
The persistent puffy round circles under my eyes that appeared every three to four weeks.
The fridge that became famous.
Sick but on mother duty. God forbid there would be a Christmas without a tree.
Turned inside out at Cedars Sinai in 2012.
The beginning of my journey with my port and high doses of IV antibiotics.
The show must go on: Looking good, feeling bad.
Finding signs of love and inspiration anywhere I go.
The only constant and unconditional thing in my life.
I often craved solitude and a space where I could find my fading inner voice.
Paige, my twin from a past life.
Jaymes, my amazing sister-in-law and fellow Lyme warrior.
When your brain is offline and you can’t find the words you’re searching for.
My obsession with organic, homegrown foods.
My spirit angel and the reason why I’m on a relentless search for a cure.
Middle-of-the-night bathroom collapse.
The Lyme Research Alliance gala in Connecticut, 2013.
Bella and Lego, the winning combination.
Happy Dutch girl, grateful for the thoughtfulness of family and friends.
Supporting the local farmers at Sunday’s farmers market.
Girl talk with my bestie, Ellie.
Visiting the New School with Gigi in 2013.
When life gives you lemons.
With Gigi on set of her Guess shoot.
The importance of giving back at the homeless shelter downtown L.A.
Taking a break from treatment to smell the grass in St. Gallen, Switzerland.
Switzerland, contemplating my journey and connecting to my childhood memories.
The misleading impression of an invisible disease.
2012 RHOBH premiere right before I collapsed behind that wall.
The hyperthermia treatment at Paracelsus, Switzerland.
Twin warriors.
2013 RHOBH premiere party.
Richard Helfric’s 150 pills a day protocol.
Enduring the endless blood tests.
TMS transcranial magnetic stimulation.
Pushing to keep normalcy in my home at Christmas 2013.
Dropping Gigi off at college in NYC.
Anwar, the unwavering guiding light in darkness.
At St. John’s with my sweet angel.
Stem cell treatment in Tijuana, Mexico.
RHP in Tijuana, Mexico.
No matter how tough the journey, we never stopped laughing.
My binders with medical discoveries.
Nyepi, the silence I’d been searching for.
Salutation to the universe, feeling deep gratitude for being guided.
Seeing older people work the rice fields reminded me of the physical power we all have.
Bali, a spiritual journey and the exploration of my own soul.
The beauty of a simple, white water lily.
Grateful to see and feel the strength of this amazing animal.
My son, the youngest but the strongest force in my life.
My girls and the life force in every cell of my body.
Home sweet home in Holland.
Feeling of utter desperation, searching for a cure in Zacateca, Mexico.
Gigi supporting Anwar during his Lyme treatment.
Trying to push through severe brain fog at WWHL.
The hyperbaric chamber.
My sugar and spice.
Neurofeedback.
Moving my baby girl to NYC in 2014.
The final day with our baby boy Lucky.
Mommy duties don’t stop, so out of bed to support Anwar at his driving test.
Grateful for the family and friends who never stopped supporting me #HappyDutchGirl.
The amazing staff at St. John’s Medical Center in Santa Monica, California.
My ultimate low moment in Miami, when drowning was actually a thought in my mind.
The power of togetherness.
My angels and the love that never stopped giving.
The low-dose immunotherapy I made with my own specimen.
Salute to the sunset in Korea.
Together we stand strong.
Stem cell treatment in Seoul, Korea.
Unconditional love and support in the journey unknown.
So much respect for nurses around the world and their universal language of healing.
Girlfriend support far away from home.
Dr. Klinghardt, a wizard who truly understands the complexity of chronic Lyme.
The unknown and toxic truth behind my perfect pearly whites.
Rebuilding with toxic-free materials.
The storyboards that helped me uncover the mystery of my chronic disease.
The metal-based crowns I didn’t know I had.
With my girlfriend Kelly after a dental procedure.
Trying to uncover my parasite mystery by capsule endoscopy.
The remains of a decayed intestinal parasite that came out after a two-day fast in preparation for my capsule endoscopy.
Intestinal tissue expelled after rope worm elimination protocol.
Thanks to Dr. Gubarev’s book, I was able to identify my rope worms.
Rope worm with fecal stone attached. The toxins of these helminths weaken the immune system severely.
Branched jellyfish, third stage of the rope worm parasite development.
In Germany and determined to rise.
Feeling sick and defeated in Germany, but trying to connect to the earth.
Gigi, the driving force in my weakest days.
No matter what, my brother can always make me laugh.
Hopeful after my stem cell injections.
Photon laser for healing and inflammation.
Stem cell treatment in the Bahamas.
Seeing this photo made me scared that I was fighting a losing battle.
The master at work, injecting my sphenoid.
Praying that God’s plan for my life exceeds the circumstances of this day.
Believe Me Page 33