by Mercy B
More daggers to the chest. Hampsher felt as if the oxygen from her lungs had been depleted. At any second, she was expecting to lose consciousness and kill over. That’s how miserable she felt as he drilled her like a sergeant.
“Now, we’re going to walk out of this station, and you’re going to get in the back of the truck with me, and my driver is going to deliver us in Philly… to my crib. If you try to leave, I swear I’m going to break every bone in your fucking legs.” Tightening his grip, Rafeeq ushered Hampsher toward the stairwell. “Do I make myself clear?”
“Rafeeq.” Hampsher squirmed under his touch. “You’re hurting me.”
Not bothering to loosen the grip and bring her comfort, he gritted out his ugly truth. “You haven’t stopped hurting me since the day I let you have my shit,” he replied, referring to the heart that no longer belonged to him, the one that he’d willingly given to such a selfish Hampsher. “Let’s go.”
Like a limp rag doll, Rafeeq tossed Hampsher into the back of the truck before sliding in with her. Fuming, he chastised himself for putting his hands on Hampsher. As she stared out of the window, he caught a glimpse of her rubbing the soreness from her neck. Feeling his eyes trained on her, she turned to find Rafeeq taking her in. She was so beautiful to him, but she was a mess. After much consideration, he had come to the conclusion that he didn’t need that type of disturbance in his life.
From her side of the truck, Hampsher shriveled under Rafeeq’s gaze. She was overly satisfied once his gaping faltered. There was so much she wanted to admit to, so much that she wanted to confess and open up to Rafeeq about when they’d found out about her pregnancy, but she did the only thing she knew how to do, and that was be alone. Hampsher found the most comfort in her lonesome and taking on not one but two humans in such a short timespan had frightened her more than anything in life. In fact, it was the only think that frightened her.
Though she wanted to keep quiet, she knew that there was something left to be said on her behalf. Rafeeq had made things clear on his end with his torturous speech, placing the fear of God in her heart and nearly sending her straight to hell after her sudden death. But she knew that she deserved every word he’d spit and not even a piece of him. He was such a good man, a dream even. But he was meant for some other girl who wanted everything that love had to offer.
“I’m sorry.”
The words found their way out. Astounded and confused, Rafeeq took a second look at Hampsher. Her face was flushed and eyes lubricated with the tears she wanted to hide, but they were determined to fall. Staring at the vulnerable version of the woman he’d learned to be everything but caused what was left of his anger and frustration to shatter.
“And you’re right. You’re a better man without me. I just… I wish I could return to you whatever pieces I’ve taken because they just don’t belong to me. A one-night stand. That’s all this was supposed to be. And I tried… I tried getting it through your head that I wasn’t worthy of anything more, but you wouldn’t listen. Yes, I’m partially to blame for this, but you can’t put this all on me, Rafeeq. I can only give a person what I have and nothing more. It may not have seemed like much, but I’ve allowed you into spaces no one has ever seen. I allowed you to do things to me that no one has ever done. I told you things that I’ve never told anyone. I crossed boundaries and broke every promise that I’d ever made to myself.”
I warned you, Hampsher thought before continuing.
“So forgive me for being frightened at the thought of allowing a second person into my life after I struggled so much with the first and doing the only thing I know how to do—be alone. I’ve been alone my entire life, Rafeeq. And you’ve managed to place me in a position that has me reliving my most tragic moments, facing my biggest fears, lying in bed with my insecurities, and acknowledging my flaws. Forgive me if I chose to do all of those things in the comfort of my own skin and the regions of my own brain. I’m not stupid, and I’m nobody’s fool, Rafeeq. Not for a single second have I considered terminating this pregnancy, but I’m scared.”
Sniffling, Hampsher finally cracked, and the tears flowed like rivers. “I’m scared that I won’t be as great as my mother was. I’m scared that I won’t be able to love this child like it deserves because I haven’t even learned to love myself yet. I’m scared that its father expects so much from this and me, but I’ve given him all that I have to give. There’s nothing more. I’m scared that I won’t ever stop running and hiding and neglecting everything that means anything to me, including my child. I’m scared that, just like my mother, I won’t live to see my child grow past the age of seven. I’m scared that my child’s father may get fed up with the consumption of fatherhood and flee just like my father.”
The hollow space in her heart was truly evident. “When you look at me and the things that I’ve done, all you see is my selfishness. But if you knew what I’ve been through, then you would understand me so much better. I’m so fucking empty inside, and I’ve been this way my entire life. And then you come along and try to fill me up when I never asked. You did this, Rafeeq. You did this to me, and you did this to yourself. I’m just a girl waiting for life to be over so that she can really start living after meeting her mother again. I don’t know how to be anyone else, especially not a mother. Don’t you see that? Don’t you understand that I can never be who you want me to be? Not ever?”
“I have never wanted you to be anyone but yourself, whoever she is.” Rafeeq felt the need to interfere. He’d heard every word that Hampsher had spoken, which helped to shed light on her position and the motivation behind her actions. It wasn’t until then that he felt like he knew even the smallest piece of her. That was the most she’d ever said, and he was all ears.
“She’s nobody. She’s nothing!”
“To you. She’s everything to me.”
“She means nothing to you, Rafeeq. I mean nothing to you!” Hampsher choked up at the thought of ruining whatever parts of him that she’d managed to get her hands on. He was such a good man, and she wanted an even better woman to save him from her tainted soul. With her was no place for him.
“Everything you said back there, you meant. I have no reservations. You deserve more than this. More than me. More than—”
Hampsher’s words were shortened as she felt her head pressed against the window and Rafeeq’s grip on her face. He’d moved so swiftly that she didn’t have time to avoid his wrath. The racing of his pulse that she held in her palm due to her hand around his wrist assured her that he was beyond himself. Just like hers, his heart was racing and possibly pounding to be freed from his chest.
“You don’t get to tell me what I deserve. Just like I don’t know all of your past, you have no fucking idea of mine either. You’re not the only one that suffers around here, Hampsher. I’ve got some shit with me too.”
Rafeeq referred to his sketchy past, one that involved him blowing a young boys head off without second thought or hesitation. And the truth was that he’d do it again without hesitation, but his father had made sure that he’d never have to. As much elation as Crimson and Bruce got from bodying niggas, Rafeeq had gotten the same from his first kill. Deep inside, he knew that he was one at heart and had buried the desire deep inside where not even he could find it.
“Let me go,” Hampsher pleaded.
“I can’t,” Rafeeq responded, referencing something far more potent than the physical.
“Then don’t.”
“Fuck!”
The sound of shattering glass alarmed Rafeeq’s driver, Taj, causing him to grab the pistol from his lap. Taking a peek into the rearview mirror, he noticed that Rafeeq had been the aggressor. He held his bleeding fist slightly in the air while his eyes remained on the woman before him.
His injury had caused him to let Hampsher free. Immediately, she sprang into action, placing Rafeeq’s bleeding hand into her mouth. It was a hack she’d learned over the years. After clearing the small trace of blood by suckling, she applied the
pressure of her tongue to the wound that she’d felt and began counting down from one-hundred.
Ninety-nine.
Ninety-eight.
Ninety-seven.
And for those one hundred seconds, her eyes were trained on a pair just as dark and mysterious as her own. The pair shared intensity as words unspoken were offered. It was moments like those that felt so elevating and so sacred that neither wanted to surpass them. Both Hampsher and Rafeeq strived for those small glitches in time where they connected on levels beyond the heart, no matter how long they lasted. The passion of the moment was too much for an emotional Hampsher, causing her face to contort and more tears to tumble from her eyes.
“Stop crying,” Rafeeq begged as she began to remove his fist from her mouth.
Without a doubt, Hampsher understood one thing, and that was the fact that her heart was broken. It was not because someone had broken it, but because she’d crumbled someone else’s. That someone else happened to be the most refreshing being to walk into her life since the slaying of her mother. That person had given her the greatest gift that a woman could ever ask for. Most of all, that person had never done anything to hurt her. He wanted more for her than she desired for herself.
“I’m trying,” Hampsher admitted, using the back of her sleeve to wipe her eyes.
The winter was upon the city, and the wind from the window Rafeeq had busted was torturous on everyone in the truck. “Taj, take me to my father’s mainstay. We need to exchange cars.”
“Got it.”
Exhausted, Rafeeq sighed and laid his head back on the seat. With everything going on, he was happy to have a second to collect his thoughts. They’d been in a jumble since the day Hampsher had disappeared. The feeling of small hands tugging at the lining of his joggers caused Rafeeq to raise his head. He recognized the urgency in Hampsher’s eyes as she fumbled, attempting to free his dick. It amazed him that after all the running she’d done, all the crying she’d just done, and all of the bullshit she had put him through, she thought that his dick still belonged to her.
“What you doing?” He tapped her hand. “Don’t go touching shit that doesn’t belong to you.”
“Does it not? Because he’s saying something different.”
Rafeeq wanted to deny her, but his dick had already begun tenting his sweats. “You don’t deserve no dick, Hampsher.”
“I’m aware of that, which is why I’d rather suck it instead.”
Her logic surprised Rafeeq, but he was down with it. The only thing he didn’t appreciate was the fact that he wanted to feel her walls more than her jaws. Biting the side of his gums, he swallowed his pride and responded to Hampsher’s request.
“I’d rather you sit on it.”
Completely unbothered by Taj’s presence, Rafeeq lifted and removed his dick from his pants. Hampsher was no good after seeing the luscious piece of meat that she’d been missing for months. Of course, he wanted to fuck, but he wouldn’t be able to resist once she placed him in her mouth, which is exactly what she did.
“Shit.” Squirming, Rafeeq grabbed the back of Hampsher’s head and forced himself down her throat. “I told you what I wanted, H.”
“Ummmmm…” Hampsher hummed, barely listening to what he was saying.
“Hampsher,” he called out, enjoying the back of her throat. “Get ya ass up here.”
One lesson was all it had taken, and she’d mastered the art of dick sucking. There was saliva running down Rafeeq’s shaft, and she did nothing to clean it. Instead, Hampsher continued making more of a mess. She’d gotten his dick sloppy wet before feeling his grip tighten on her hair and her head being pulled upward.
“Come sit on this motherfucker like I told you,” he demanded.
Obliging, Hampsher pulled the pants that she wore under her ass and down her legs in the crammed space. Within seconds, the cold wind was causing chill bumps on her skin as she climbed the great mountain named Heavy. At that moment, she realized how much she’d missed him and how many times she wanted to apologize. The thought of someone else climbing in his lap to offer him the pleasure he needed made her sick to the stomach. It just didn’t seem right, and it had nothing to do with jealousy. She was carrying Rafeeq’s child, which meant that she would always be a part of his life.
“Please don’t give up on me.” Hampsher pressed her forehead against Rafeeq’s. “Help me.”
“Whatever you need, H.”
“I need you.” Rafeeq was such a tease, rubbing the head of his dick up and down her pussy. Hampsher wanted him so bad that she was throbbing from below while grabbing at his jacket and attempting to situate herself on his hard.
“Then stop running from me.”
“I’m done. I can’t run anymore. I was on my way back to you. You feel like home.”
“Because I am.”
“Oh, Rafeeq!” she squealed as he lowered her onto his hard member.
“Welcome home, Hampsher.”
There was a round two and a round three. Round four had put them both to sleep, and Rafeeq was the first to wake. After so much time had elapsed, he was happy to have Hampsher naked and wrapped in his covers. She must’ve been a bit warm because there were certain areas of her body poking out from under the cover. The most beautiful was her small round belly. Adjusting himself, Rafeeq placed his hand over it and caused Hampsher to stir in her sleep.
“Hey,” she uttered.
“Hey,” he replied.
“How have you been feeling?”
In small circles, Rafeeq rubbed her stomach. The gratification that he felt at the moment was indescribable. There wasn’t much in the world that placed him on his high horse, but this was one. In a few months, he would become a father.
“I’m better now. According to my last period, I’m twenty weeks. This little baby has been cooking since the second time we met.”
“I can believe it. I don’t recall sliding up in you with a condom.”
“That’s because you haven’t.”
“I told you to get on birth control,” Rafeeq reasoned.
“I told you to use a condom.”
“No need to dwell on it now. I’ve made arrangements for you to visit our family doctor this upcoming Monday. Have you been yet?”
“No.”
“Good. I’ve been reading up on pregnancy. You’re far enough for us to know the sex.”
“I know.” Hampsher nodded, “Put your hand here.”
She guided him to the area where she felt the most movement. It wasn’t until she was lying down that she felt the baby the most active. Still, she was appalled that she had a little being floating around inside of her.
“Damn. It’s moving.”
“It is.” With a bright smile, Hampsher matched Rafeeq’s excitement.
“How long have you been feeling this?”
“A few weeks maybe. Not too long. At first, I wasn’t sure what it was, but the movements have gotten more significant over the past few weeks.”
Suddenly, Rafeeq’s smile disappeared, and he became serious at once. “Listen, I need to go handle some business. There’s a big game on Friday and bets are starting today. I’ve purchased you a new cellphone. The location is shared with me all hours of the day. As well, I’ve hooked you up with some new arm candy.”
Hampsher lifted her arm and noticed the small device that had been placed around it.
“Rafeeq?”
“You can’t cut it off, H. It can only be removed by me. Don’t try to take it off either. You’ll wind up shocking yourself. And don’t ever turn that fucking phone off either. I mean it. When I get back, I want you right here.”
“Am I some type of prisoner or some shit?”
“Whatever it takes, Hampsher.”
“Well, I can’t promise that I’ll be here when you return.”
“Then you’re coming with me.”
“Good because I need you to drop me off at my grandparents’ house. If I don’t make dinner, they will be pissed. I’
m sorry, but the last seven days of each month belongs to them, Rafeeq. Can we at least agree to that?”
“Under one condition.”
“What?”
“Well, two.” Rafeeq shrugged.
“What are they?”
“You join my family for dinner on Friday night as well as leave your window at your people’s house unlocked for me at all times in case I want some pussy late at night.”
“Are you serious?”
“As a fucking heart attack. Now, get up and get dressed.” Before lifting himself from the bed, he smacked Hampsher on the ass. “I’ve got shit to do.”
From the comfort of her bed, Hampsher flipped the hundredth page of the book she was reading. How to Win Friends and Influence People was one that she’d enjoyed at least three times. That particular go round was no different. Everything about the title was informative.
Before her eyes landed on the first word, the sound of chirping blared in the distance. The cellphone that Rafeeq had gotten her was next to her in bed as they’d been texting back and forth all night, so she knew it couldn’t have been it. Besides, the sound was significant and assigned to one particular application on a device that was used for a particular reason.
Jumping from the bed, Hampsher rushed toward her overnight bag and shuffled through the clothing that was packed on top of the device. Once she laid hands on the small phone, her fingers immediately unlocked it and accessed the cameras that her apartment was bugged with. As Rafeeq had suspected, she was still in the same neighborhood. She was just units down from her last one.
“Shit,” Hampsher fussed, noticing the alert was the result of someone creeping toward her door.
Without a doubt, she knew that it wasn’t a social call. At half past midnight, there was no reason for anyone to be at her doorstep. Rage engulfed Hampsher as she watched the handle of her door being rigged. The apartment held more than a few special items and evidence of her identity. There were three lives that mattered to her more than her own at one point in time.