by Ryan, Syd
I turn in for the night, begging for sleep to take me away, but resting most of the day bites me in the ass. I spend most of the night with horrible TV shows, and later I won’t even be able to tell you what I watched. My mind drifts to Gavin often. I keep running finances in my head and checking my savings. I can give Gavin the first payment of $500. I’ll be left with enough money for gas to get myself back and forth to work until payday.
My lack of sick time forces me to get out of bed the next morning. Regan is in an even worse boat than I am regarding sick time. We will not be getting any more time until the following year. After calling off, I have two days until next year. The pro-rated sick plan bullshit is for the birds. I must keep these things in mind because I don’t have that one person in my life who will support me regardless. Regan has that with Grayson, and sometimes I’m envious of my best friend. She lost her boyfriend unexpectedly; otherwise her life is healthy and normal. My life is full of parental fuck-ups, abandonment, and fighting for basic survival.
I get myself together for work this morning, and my thoughts are going back to Gavin. Most of the day yesterday I managed to avoid all his calls and texts. But as I toss my pajamas in the hamper, I come across some clothes he left here. And I kept his pillow near me, I wanted to savor his smell. A bit of a teenager? Sure, I have no problem admitting it.
I take a quick shower, put my hair in the ponytail, and put a little bit of concealer under my eyes to cover my dark circles. My last stop is at the coffeemaker; at least I accomplish it with low resistance. The coffee maker gives me more trouble than it’s worth. I would love to stop at Starbucks and add some expresso to my coffee, but I can’t afford it.
It takes everything in me to go to work today, but I know once I get in a groove, I will be distracted from my thoughts and worries. My first item of business at work today will be dropping off money to Gavin’s secretary, avoiding him at all costs. I have no clue when I will be ready to talk to him. After gathering up my work bag and keys, I exit the apartment I hate with a passion. The need to move is even more intense now, but the situation with Gavin has put that on the back burner. I cannot afford to move. The need to sign up for overtime is becoming even more apparent.
Arriving at the hospital, I have to park in a shitty spot. I hope this is not a sign of what is to come today. Gavin is already here, even though he is rarely at work before eight o’clock. Hopefully, he is not assigned to the emergency room today. As I get on the elevator, a few of Gavin’s coworkers are looking at me. I wonder if they know or if I’m just imagining them knowing about the fallout between us.
Exiting the elevator, Gavin ’s coworkers go in the opposite direction. I feel a little relieved—enough to calm my nerves a bit. My pulse is racing and not in a good way. I take a couple of deep breaths as I approach Karmen’s desk. “Morning, Karmen.”
“Hey, Jamie.” Karmen smiles like the new bride that she is. I can tell she is happy. “Do you need to see Gavin this morning? He is not in with a patient. I can get him.” She says this quietly, almost sounding afraid of upsetting me. “No thanks. I just need to drop this off. I need to start my shift.”
Gavin walks out of his office looking like he slept in it. He has two days of beautiful stubble, and his hair is all over the place in a messy yet perfect look. His eyes give it all away—they look exhausted. We look at each other, not knowing who should start talking first. Karmen puts us out of our misery. “I will give you guys a minute.”
“No, that is OK. I need to be getting to the E.R.” I hand Gavin the envelope.
“Jamie, please.”
Karmen looks uncomfortable—she’s probably thinking, this shit is more than awkward, people.
“I can’t go through this with you. I can give this to you though, I'll pay you back more when I get paid next week. Gavin, I need some time, and I’m not sure if I can get past this at all.” Gavin nods, not agreeing with me but deciding to let me go. I leave his office feeling my heart being ripped to pieces all over again.
Chapter 32
The next couple of weeks go by in a blur of work and television nights at home. I honestly don’t think I can do much of anything else. Regan’s body is being tormented by a growing fetus. She is now on intermittent sick leave due to morning sickness. Due to her health, Regan is spending most of her time at home eating saltine crackers and ginger ale. I spend my nights at home with a glass of wine, my Kindle, and a vibrator.
A couple of days after giving Gavin the first installment, I told Regan the entire story. She doesn’t agree with my actions but clearly supports me. Regan is on the schedule to work with me tomorrow. Hopefully, that is a sign of good things to come.
I also managed to pick up three days of overtime. I put in the exact amount of overtime I can work before the U.S. government takes it all. Payday is tomorrow, and I can’t pay Gavin off soon enough.
I slept restlessly most of last night. I’m not sure if it was the anticipation of seeing Gavin today. During the last couple of weeks, he has respected the boundaries I put in place. He was the on-call therapist in the emergency room for a few days, and we saw each other in passing. Usually it was me doing the passing, in a prompt fashion, and Gavin longing to talk to me. Neither of us took the first step. I can admit I’d prefer to be swept up in his arms, but I don’t know how I can get past it.
As I get ready for the day ahead, I look like I’m on my A game. My makeup is done to perfection, my curls are under frizz control, and I’m wearing my best set of scrubs. Good things to come. I hope so with everything I have in me.
Gathering my purse, workbag, and cell phone, I head out to the car. I look at the Gold Goddess, wishing she never got fixed at all. A car I loved and worked so hard for is tearing away the best thing in my life. I slam the door pissed looking at the car like it is the cause of every problem in my life.
On my way to work, I text and call my sister Julia. I have not heard from her in three days. I emailed my egg donor and did not get a reply. I’m not feeling right about this, and if I don’t hear from Julia by tomorrow, I will have the police do a welfare check on them. I don’t want the cops there in case shit is going on with my parents. They do not need jail time, and I certainly do not want to be the one to put them there. I don’t want the responsibility of that on my back at the end of the day. So, I’m going to do everything in my power to keep it at the back of my mind for today. I manage to stop at the ATM and grab myself a strong coffee. I’m doing everything I can to keep my focus on the day ahead.
I walk into the emergency room and glance at the shift lead sheet to check assignments. Regan is working triage for six hours; my guess is that this is her attempt to get back in the game. Six hours is manageable; twelve hours would be too much. Rowan is in Critical Care, and she is the on-call nurse. Natalia is with me in non-trauma, at least today I’m out of Express Care. I’m so not in the mood to keep the express care in order today. The group of nurses I’m working with today are people I’m lucky to call my friends.
I get a report from the night shift nurse, who looks like hell, but I don’t dare tell her that. I understand because sometimes I come in looking ready for the runway but, by the end of the day, I look like a mom of eight kids who haven’t slept for the last six weeks. I know we nurses love the emergency room; I just pray it doesn’t age me before my time.
Regan is shooting the shit with Rowan as I walk to the nurse's station. Suddenly, they start looking like kids who had their hands in the cookie jar.
“What’s up, ladies?”
They look like they’re guilty of something. “We just got done getting the report.”
“Anything important going on?”
“No, why?” Rowan asks.
“No reason. So, what did I miss?”
“Talking babies and weddings.” Rowan says nervously.
“I’m glad this baby is giving me a break today,” Regan says. “I hope this is about over, I have lost twelve pounds.” I make a mental note to talk to
Grayson later; I’m sure he is not fully aware of the situation.
The time for idle chitchat is over as Cheryl walkie-talkies our assignments for the shift. As I reach my destination, this shift is not starting out well. Three out of four call lights are on.
Most of the shift flies by; I may not be working in Critical Care, but my patients are needy. They range from an eighteen-year-old with a bad appendix, to a left leg burn, to an uncontrolled diabetic with blood sugar in the five hundreds to, last but not least, a mom of three who gets to spend her weekend picking nits and washing all their clothes. The turnover is slow today, and Dr. Wheeler is covering two sections of the emergency room. I’m glad I’m not working triage because I have no doubt people are complaining about long waits.
I slip off the unit to treat myself to a coffee for lunch. Back in the day nurses didn’t have phones or locators. I wish I were working during those times. I hate that they know my every move, but they do. I don’t get to go to the bathroom often enough as it is, and now the hospital wants to control us during a work shift. I get myself a coffee with a shot of espresso and an orange juice for Regan. Regan is craving orange; she was upset we didn’t have any orange popsicles on the unit. She called Nutritional Services going off about it; hormones and cravings have her all over the place.
I travel the long way back to the unit, trying to get a few more uninterrupted moments to myself. This is a chance to clear my head and think about how I’m going to address Gavin when I give him his second payment later. The overhead paging system calls me, telling me to come to the emergency room stat. I take off in a sprint, praying to God that one of my patients didn’t code. My work phone and cell phone didn’t go off. I made sure everything was OK when I left the unit. At this moment, I have never been more grateful the E.R. and the coffee are on the same floor.
Within in a couple of minutes, I’m back on the unit with coffee and juice in hand. Regan is standing by the doors as I enter the unit. “What is going on?” She gives me a somber look. “What is wrong, Regan?”
“I just took a call for you.”
“Spit it out, Regan. What the fuck is wrong?” Regan pulls me into a room that they use to notify patients’ families of their passing. “A lady named Rosalie Michaels called. She is with Kansas City Children’s Services.” The pit of my stomach gives out; they took the kids. I knew something terrible had happened. “She wouldn’t divulge any information, even though I told her that I was your best friend. She instructed me to have you call her immediately—and time is of the essence.” Regan hands me a piece of paper with the contact information.
My hands are shaking. I know this phone call is going to change my life forever. I try to take a couple of deep breaths, and Regan does too, and then we are laughing our asses off. I have no clue why, but I’m grateful for the momentary distraction. My hands continue to shake as I dial the number.
A woman identifying herself as Rosalie Michaels answers the phone.
“Ms. Michaels, my name is Jamie Jenkins. I’m returning your phone call.”
“Thanks for getting back to me immediately. Glad the information your sister Julia provided is correct. The reason I’m contacting you is we were approached by the police regarding the placement of your siblings. Emergency services dispatched them regarding an overdose. Apparently, your mother overdosed on opiates. Rest assured, your mother is alive. She is in the hospital and will be transported to the jail when she is stable. She is being charged with drug abuse and felony child endangerment. She has warrants out of Florida as well. The house they were living in looks like it should be condemned.”
“My father?”
“He is the other reason we are contacting you. We cannot locate your father. Julia informed us he has been gone for the last three weeks.”
Thanks for telling me that bit of info, I think.
“I know a family of this size is quite an undertaking. Are you able to provide care or do we need to proceed with placement of your siblings?”
“I want them, Ms. Michaels.” The tears are running down my cheeks. I’m holding my breath so she doesn’t hear me; then, unable to hold it in any longer, I release a large gasp.
“Miss Jenkins, I understand this can be a lot. Julia informed me that you have a good job in Florida. I know you were not expecting this type of phone call.” I never let on to her that I knew this day would come sometime. Jodi doesn’t even know how to parent, nor does she have a desire to parent. “I need you to catch the next flight out of Florida to Kansas City. I will be putting the kids in Respite Care until you get here. A background check, DNA test, and a custodial agreement need to be in place before you can leave the state. I anticipate you will need to be here for up to ten days. I will be happy to provide documentation to your employer regarding the situation, so they will understand that this is an emergency. Is this agreeable to you?”
“Yes, ma’am. I will contact you immediately when I get there. Are the kids all together?”
“Yes, luckily for them. We opened a new respite center last week and have the beds available.” I can finally breathe again; they are together. “Ms. Jenkins, I will see you in the morning. Fly safely, contact me upon your arrival.” I end the call as my best friend pulls me into her arms.
I give Regan the condensed version. “Regan, where am I going to put these kids? Clothing them, feeding them, it’s all too much. They have nothing.”
“Jamie, your job is to worry about getting them here. We will work this out. Grayson and I will help out as much as we can.”
“My credit cards are maxed out, shit I can’t even fly us back. I will have to rent a van and find some shitty hole in the wall to stay at.”
“Just get there and get the kids, my mom will help out if you need it. We can’t let Children’s Services keep those babies. I can get my mom to fly out with you.”
I would love to have Momma Patty come with me, but I’m too embarrassed to let her to see how they were living. “I appreciate the offer, I will be OK. If I need help, I promise to call her.” Regan seems to accept this without question.
“Go explain the situation to Erin. Pack your bags, get everything in order. I’ll go home, and I will get you on a flight out and text you the info. Please drive carefully.” Regan is very skittish about people driving when they’re anxious since Jake died.
I gather up the courage to go to Erin’s office. She is supportive even after all the shit I put her through working in this emergency room. Now I see her in a whole different light. I will try to respect her more in the future.
I go to the staff lounge and gather up my stuff. It feels weird leaving here. Regan and Rowan meet me at my locker. They give me hugs and promises to talk soon. Their words of encouragement give me what I need to get myself together. I walk out of the emergency room knowing my life is going to be nothing like it was when I walked in the door.
Chapter 33
I rush home; I don’t even remember the drive. Looking around the apartment, I try to figure out where I’m going to put these kids. I’ll set up a couple of bunk beds until I can find us somewhere else to live. I pack my suitcase in a hurry, not even sure what I’m packing, to be honest. I make sure to pack a couple of dresses for court appearances. Regan just texted me details of my flight. She got me a direct flight with no layovers, with an hour to spare before I need to leave for the airport.
I google the hospitals in the Kansas City area, trying to find out where my egg donor is hospitalized. After a couple of attempts, I locate her in an ICU unit. The nurse relays to me that this is just the protocol for overdoses; she was removed from the ventilator. The nurse assures me that no apparent damage has been done, and she has a police officer posted outside her door. I decline the invitation to speak with her but leave my contact information in case anything changes.
I decide to have her sign custody of the kids over to me. I don’t want this to be a long, drawn-out process for the kids. If she tries to offer to go to rehab, it will not be enou
gh. I believe she will be serving some time locked up. I want her to do her time, go to rehab, and learn to take care of herself. At some point, much further down the line—if she stays clean—I will allow her to be part of their lives. But she will never take these kids away from me. They need someone who will love them and provide for them, and Jodi Jenkins has never been that person. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
Gavin is at the center of my mind before I leave on this life-changing journey. I miss him so much. But I can’t focus on him; I have kids to take care of now. The kids need to be my focus as they have drawn the short straw their entire lives. I would love for Gavin to pull me into his arms and tell me that everything is going to be OK. I know what he thought he was doing was helping me. Instead, it pushed me away. I know he meant well. I did what I always do and drove him away. I think we were getting too intense, and because of my inability to cope, I found a shit reason and ran. Gavin wasn’t asking too much of me. I made the situation worse than it really was. He deserves better and, hopefully, my pushing him away will accomplish that. After I get settled for my flight, I will call him. I want him to know why I wasn’t there to give him the second installment for Gold Dust’s repair.
I attempt to call Julia to let her know I’m on my way to get her and the kids. I assume the caseworker will let her know what it is up, but I’m not sure. I call her phone three times without any answer. I hope they didn’t take her phone away.
I secure the apartment and make sure everything is ready. I double check that I have my ID, Kindle, and credit cards in my purse. I’m charging my phone until the last minute when I walk out the door. Just as I grab the phone, I receive a text from Julia. She informs me she was unable to take my call because one of the kids was crying. Everyone is safe and together, and the caseworker gave her the rundown. I let her know that I’m catching the next flight out and will text her when I land in Kansas City. Gathering my suitcase, I leave this apartment knowing when I come back everything in my world is going to be much different than I ever expected or intended.