“A web from which you could not escape.”
“Exactly.”
“Thank you for sharing this, Chase. And something that may help you in this area is the truth that we all need touch, that to give and to receive it is actually to transfer life from one person to another. It is part of man’s basic need to love and to be loved.”
Chase looked at Linda with a sparkle in his eye. “Wow! That’s awesome!”
“Yes, and you have apparently withheld these basic needs from Linda and from yourself.”
“Oh.” Chase’s enthusiasm suddenly changed to dourness. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” He squeezed Linda’s hand, and tears formed in her eyes.
The doctor stared at the paper again. “Now you also appear to struggle with openness and vulnerability, at least with Linda. Can you tell me about this?”
“Well it’s weird since I’ve always been very direct with people. I couldn’t care less what they think of me, so opening up to others is easy. But with Linda, it seems to be a challenge for some reason.”
“Do you feel that if you’re vulnerable with her, such sharing of yourself will be used against you in the future?”
“Perhaps.”
“Has this happened to you before?”
“I don’t know. What do you think, babe?”
Linda glanced at Chase, holding his hand more tightly. She looked back at the doctor. “There have been times when I’m sure I’ve brought up past events and have hurt him.”
“Chase, do you remember times like this?”
“I guess so, but doesn’t everybody do that?”
“How did they make you feel?”
“Probably pretty guarded.”
“Okay. And did you make any sort of inner vow not to open up again?”
“Oh, I see where you’re going with all of this. I locked myself up for fear of being exposed again. Is that it?”
“You tell me.”
“I think so. I must have believed the lie that I couldn’t be totally open with Linda. Or maybe that I could but that I didn’t want to be since that might lead to further self-exposure. I don’t know, Doctor Rhinegold. All I know right now is that I want Linda to know me better.”
“Very good, Chase. Thank you for your honesty.” Turning to Linda, the doctor said, “You must be very pleased with all of this.”
“As I said, things are a lot better. Chase has definitely changed in a short time. I can’t fully comprehend what happened to my husband, but I have never before heard him speak like this. It’s as if he’s a new person.”
“And it may be a long journey, but it appears he is taking the right path. What about your own situation?”
Chase cocked his head slightly. Linda hesitated. “Well, I try not to think about it.”
“So there’s been no contact with this person?”
“No,” she lied, justifying herself with the thought that he, not she, had sent the email the previous night.
“Good. But let me suggest something here.” Rhinegold set his pad down and looked intently at Linda. “This guy probably will try to contact you. I’m surprised he hasn’t already. I hope he won’t, but my hunch is that he will. You have to determine now what your response will be if that happens. You’ve already asked him not to call or write anymore, correct?”
“Yes.”
“But as I said, he more than likely will. He may not be easily convinced that you mean it. You had an emotional connection, and he may not be willing to let it go. Have you thought through what you will say if he does call or write?”
“Not really.”
“Well how will you respond if he says how much he misses you, that the two of you had something special going on?”
Chase took a deep breath, shaking his head.
“I’ll just say that it wasn’t special, that it’s over.”
“Good. And may I suggest that you keep the conversation or the email brief? You may have to be short and forceful depending upon his reaction.”
“I think I can do that.”
“Linda, I recommend that you picture yourself being strong in this potential situation. You’ve admitted that Chase is going through significant changes, and though you two still have a ways to go, you may not progress much further if you allow this other issue to keep hanging over you. I obviously hope this guy doesn’t make contact, as I’m sure you do as well, but you must be prepared if he does. Maybe you can write down your response and keep it with you if that will help.”
“All right,” Linda agreed weakly. Seeking comfort, she peeked at Chase. He gently squeezed her hand.
“Now Chase, how are you doing with all of this?”
“Not too good, actually. We haven’t even talked about it. I’m trying to give her space, but it’s killing me inside.”
“How is that?”
“Well, when I realize how I’ve not been meeting her needs, that’s one thing, but knowing there’s someone else out there is just eating me up.”
The doctor slowly looked at each of them. “Well I recommend that you begin to work through this issue with deliberation. Chase, you don’t need to know all the details of the past few weeks, but it is important for you to relate your feelings to Linda, perhaps a sense of devaluation, hurt, betrayal, whatever creates the angst within. Linda, you can be honest with Chase. It’s okay to share how you became drawn into this relationship, how you’re perhaps embarrassed by it, how you want to focus on the two of you now. Just be self-disclosing with one another.” He glanced slowly back and forth. “And don’t rush the process. Is this okay with both of you?”
“Yes,” they responded simultaneously, though Chase still felt uncomfortable. “The only problem is that I have to fly back to New York tomorrow since, as I told you in my message, my mother is dying.”
“Yes, I’m so sorry, Chase. Are you going alone?”
“Yeah, it’s too complicated with our children, Linda’s work, and the fact that I have no idea how long I’ll be gone.”
The doctor rubbed his chin for a moment. “Allow me to be unequivocal. Despite the incredible progress you’ve made in just two short days, you have to consider the fragility of your marriage. Because of this reality, both of you must be very intentional about communicating every day. You may think such a thing obvious, but trust me in this. Stressful and emotional situations can often distract us from what is most important at the moment, shifting our minds toward admittedly serious but comparatively less significant issues. The illness of a mother and the compromising actions of a spouse, along with all the accompanying emotions, can derail your progress. You must determine that no matter what happens in the weeks ahead, your marriage is the priority. Keep your focus there, okay?”
“Got it,” Chase responded.
“It’s easier said than done, Chase. You have to work together on this one and be completely accountable to each other.”
“All right. I understand,” he answered less glibly.
“Thank you, Doctor Rhinegold,” added Linda. “You have been a great help to us both.”
“Well let’s do this. Linda, please don’t hesitate to call me for any reason while Chase is away. And Chase, give me a ring when you return and we’ll arrange another appointment.”
“Sounds good,” he said, helping Linda up. “Thank you so much. We really appreciate all you’ve done.”
“Let me ask you one more question,” the doctor said as he rose. “Linda, describe Chase for me in one word.”
“Um, thoughtful.”
“And Chase, what about Linda?”
“She’s kind.”
“Thoughtful and kind. Those are great attributes. Why don’t you try focusing on each other with thoughtfulness and kindness? Despite what has happened, you two are wonderful people. Give yourselves to one another in the days ahead. It’ll pa
y great dividends.”
Chase extended his hand. “Will do. Thanks again, Doctor Rhinegold.”
The family drove to the airport late Saturday morning. Chase and Linda had processed their appointment the previous night, neither one mentioning the other man. Chase waited until they pulled up to the terminal entrance to attempt a feeble warning. Carefully phrasing his words, he turned to Linda, taking her hand and looking into her eyes. “So we’ll stay in touch every day. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m sure I’ll have enough time to call or email. You will as well, right?”
“Of course!”
“And nothing out of the ordinary.”
Linda knew what he meant. “Hon’, please don’t worry. I’ll keep myself busy enough with work and the children.”
“Okay, I just want to make sure that you’ll be all right, that nothing weird is going to happen.”
She let go of his hand. “Chase, there’s nothing going on. Just give my love to your mom and your family. I’ll be fine.”
“Babe, you know I love you.”
“I love you too, hon’.”
“And remember,” Chase said with a wink, “I am apparently thoughtful, and you are kind.”
“Apparently?”
Chase smiled and kissed her, then turned and hugged the children before stepping out to grab his suitcase from the trunk. “I’m going to miss you all!” he shouted as he disappeared into the crowd.
CHAPTER 11
Linda knew what needed to be done that evening. Making certain Amy and Ryan were asleep before closing her bedroom door, she crawled underneath the blankets, cell phone in hand, wrestling with her issue, nearly talking herself out of the formidable decision she had made. “If I call Stan,” she argued quietly with herself, “he’ll think I’m still interested no matter what I say. But if I don’t, I run the risk of him phoning me at a bad time.”
Though she believed Doctor Rhinegold would surely not advise such a call, Linda understood the urgency of the matter better than anyone. She again hesitated, toying with her curls. What if Stan was desperate? What if he refused to listen? But the truth was that they were just friends. Or were they? Stan had always wanted something more. Did she, in fact, lead him into all of this? Did she too want something more? She shook her head quickly, not wanting to continue these torturous thoughts.
Cheekbones tightening, Linda stared at the phone in her trembling hand. She recalled the doctor’s suggestion about being short and forceful. What sort of advice was that, especially concerning someone who was always so nice to her? Without any further thought, she pushed the buttons, her lips quivering when he answered.
“Hello, Linda?”
“Yes.”
“So good to hear your voice! How’ve you been?”
“I’m fine, but I have to tell you something.”
“Sure, great! But hang on to your thoughts ’cause I’ve been thinking a lot these past several days. I know you wanted some space and I know I emailed you and all, but I honestly can’t seem to find any peace without you. I think I’ve discovered something in you that I’ve never experienced before. Linda, I know it’s complicated, but let’s take some time with all of this. We don’t have to rush it. We can remain good friends. Nobody has to know, just you and me.”
“It’s too late for that,” she answered dryly.
“What do you mean?”
“Chase knows. Our psychologist knows. It’s all out—”
“Chase knows? And a psychologist?! Linda, what are you doing?”
“I’m trying to make my marriage work.”
“Did you tell them who I was?”
“No, not yet.”
“Then what’s going on? There really is something special between us. I’m certain you feel it.” Stan spoke as if imploring her to listen to logic.
Linda’s agitation increased, the lines in her forehead deepening. “No, I don’t, Stan. This was supposed to be a friendship. You’re apparently looking for more, something I can’t give you.”
“But I know you’ve been looking for more as well. You told me as much.”
“Whatever I’ve said, this has to end, and it has to end now.”
“I can’t do that.”
“What do you mean you can’t?” Linda recoiled, feeling the anger she thought impossible beginning to rise within her.
“Well let me be honest. I’ve fallen in love with you. I can’t give up on the idea of us being together. You are the most amazing person, and I—”
“Stop it, Stan!” she cried out vehemently. “I can’t listen to this! I told you that I’m ending it. I love Chase, and I’m committed to him and to our marriage and our family. I can’t help how you feel or whatever you’re going through, but you need to leave me alone. No more calls, okay?”
“I don’t think I can do that.”
“You can and you better! I don’t ever want to hear from you again!” Linda couldn’t believe the intensity of her words. Always amicable, she was completely frustrated at having to end a relationship that she thought had begun so innocently.
“And what if I call, not right away, but maybe in a couple of weeks just to check on you?”
“I don’t need you to check on me.”
“Mommy?” came a small voice from the behind the door. Amy opened it and looked in. “Are you talking to Daddy?”
“Hang on,” she said into the phone. “No, honey. I’m just doing some business. It’s all right. Go back to bed now.”
The door closed and Linda, irritated, put the cell back to her ear. “Listen, Stan,” she said sternly, “I have a family, and I’m not going to jeopardize it for you. You found me in a lonely and vulnerable state, and despite the things I’ve said to you recently, I don’t mean them anymore. If you call or write, I will not respond. And don’t press the issue, because I might just give Chase your number and let him deal with you. I don’t think you’d want that.”
“Come on, Linda. This is not you. We’ve talked for countless hours these past few weeks. I know what you want, and it’s certainly not going back to the life you’ve been living. You don’t want to live a lie.”
The words felt like a blow to her abdomen, but she steadfastly held her ground. “I’m not living a lie!” she shrieked into the phone, trying to muffle her voice with her other hand. “And no, you don’t know me and what I want. How could you after a few phone calls and emails? In any case, don’t push this any further. I’m moving on, and you need to do the same. I’m going to hang up now, and believe me this is it. I’m hanging up. Good-bye.”
“Wait, Lin—”
She hit “end” before Stan could say anything more. Not quite indignant but deeply hurt, Linda was displeased that she had to cut him off so abruptly and in such a cruel way. Still trembling with confusion and agitation, she curled up in her bed and cried herself to sleep.
**
His plane landed in Syracuse near midnight. Chase trudged to the baggage claim area and waited. “Wouldn’t you know mine would be the last one,” he muttered when he finally spied his black-and-brown suitcase. As he stepped out of the terminal toward Hertz, the chill surprised him since he didn’t expect April to feel so cold, at least back home. Pleased that he had the foresight to bring a light jacket, he wrapped it over his shoulders.
Soon speeding along the freeway, Chase punched in Frank’s number on his cell. He would arrive in about an hour. They could leave a key under the mat.
“No way! Just knock and I’ll come down. Allie and I can’t wait to see you.”
“All right. Just checkin’. See you when I get there.”
“Sounds good. See you soon.”
Frank had called Chase that morning to let him know their mother’s condition had grown worse and that she kept asking for him. She wanted to know when she could see him, how long he would stay, and whether the
grandchildren would be with him. He called her, promising to visit on Sunday.
Riding the freeway, Chase depended upon Frank’s directions. When he fled New York at twenty-two, he had left his hometown only once before, on a family excursion to New York City shortly after he turned five. Chase attempted to recall as much of the trip as possible, not merely because he remembered it as special but mainly to help fight his fatigue.
After ten minutes or so of relative success, his mind turned to his family. Tears fell down his cheeks as he thought about his intense love for Amy and Ryan. Suddenly he sobbed uncontrollably. Chase pulled off at the next exit, wiping the tears with his sleeve as he sat near a gas station. He remembered his vow many years ago never to be like his father. Was that it? Had he emotionally abandoned his own children? He loved them. He cherished them. But did they know it? Did they feel it? Tears again welled up. And Linda? He treasured her beyond words. Chase could not imagine life without her. Whatever it took to preserve his marriage, he would do.
He wiped his nose, looked around him, and shook his head when he realized his concern that others may have seen him crying. This was truly a fight, he told himself, a fight for those dearest to him. With renewed resolve, Chase hopped back onto the freeway.
He finally reached his exit and stopped at the end of the off-ramp. “This is weird,” he said half aloud. “I haven’t seen this place in ages.” Chase rolled down the window, stretched out his arms, and inhaled deeply, thoroughly enjoying the crisp early morning air. I wonder what it looks like now, he mused.
Taking a direction opposite from Frank’s house, he drove west toward the woods. So this is where it all began, he reflected, coming as close as the road allowed and then pulling over to stare at the railroad tracks with the river below. After all these years, nothing had changed. Just him. How would his life have turned out if the drop had gone down as planned? He wondered if he’d still be dealing.
Chase thought about that and considered how often events that appear to be disastrous can turn out well in the end. He mused about the possible role of destiny, a word he surely had never uttered before. Perhaps fate made better sense, whatever that meant. Or maybe simple coincidence defined this phenomenon best. “Oh, whatever,” he said flippantly. These events had happened and now he had returned thirteen years later.
Broken Lies Page 9