Chase pondered the pride his dad displayed. It was ironic but true. He would tell his sons never to forget who they were. “You’re a Macklin!” he often declared. “Don’t ever let anyone look down on you. You’re better than everybody else.”
Dad was so arrogant, Chase thought, reflecting on how he had accepted this lie as truth and how it must have been interwoven with the other lie about not needing anybody. He had held some obvious fear-based lies all along, but he speculated that there must be a few pride-based lies as well. Determined to put an end to all of them, he took a step back and spoke one more time to the headstone.
“This is it. Thanks for nothing, Dad. All these years of lies. Well, rest in peace wherever you are.”
Chase knew he shouldn’t blame his father for his own personal lies, but his farewell felt right since he didn’t think his dad deserved anything better. Without turning to look back, Chase headed for his rental car to find something to ease his growling stomach.
On the way to the airport, he rang Linda again. She answered cheerfully. “Hi, Chase! What’s up?”
“Just left my dad’s gravesite a bit earlier, and now I’m on my way to Kennedy.”
“How’d it go?”
“Quite a relief actually. I’ll tell you all about it when I get home.”
“Okay. The kids and I will see you when you get here!”
“Sounds good. I love you, Linda.”
“Love you too, hon’.”
CHAPTER 16
Any thoughts of catching up on sleep during the flight quickly faded when Chase found himself crunched in the middle seat, sandwiched between a man working on his laptop and a woman accidentally brushing his elbow a bit too frequently. Far too tired physically and mentally to entertain further thoughts, Chase regularly stretched his legs as far as the seat in front of him allowed, moving them back and forth. He awkwardly excused himself a couple of times and stood at the back of the plane, performing a few exercises against the wall until the flight attendant would send him back to his prison.
After Chase had arrived and recovered his bag, he shook off his weariness and responded enthusiastically when Amy and Ryan came running up to greet him.
“Hi, Daddy!” they gleefully exclaimed, falling into his outstretched arms. He embraced them tightly, showing how much he had missed them. Linda’s beauty left him breathless as she gave him the warmest kiss he could remember. Her dancing green eyes appeared to glow in the evening lights.
They didn’t arrive home until nearly eight-thirty. Linda prepared a late dinner while Chase played with the children. The laughter and the giggling kept Linda smiling, thinking she finally had her family back. Chase eagerly told them about his brothers and their wives and how much they wanted to see everyone. He spoke tenderly of his mother and her wit.
“Daddy, did your mother want to see us too?” Amy asked.
“Oh yes, she did. I think she was very proud of you and Ryan.”
“What about your father?”
“Well … um, he’s not alive either, Amy.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t really know. Never had a chance to see him. But hey, wouldn’t it be great to see your aunts and uncles soon?”
“Yes! Can we?”
“Sure! Why not? As soon as we’re able to.”
Chase and Linda put the children to bed after baths and walked hand in hand to the bedroom. An intensely amorous night followed; it was nearly overwhelming considering his fatigue. Falling immediately asleep, Chase awoke the next morning with a dream still fresh in his memory. He jumped into the shower, hurriedly dressed, and found Linda in the living room, caressing a cup of coffee.
“Well good morning!” she exclaimed cheerfully. “You slept forever!”
“Yeah, it was a long day,” Chase answered with a wink and a smile. Making his way to the kitchen, he poured himself some coffee and returned to sit beside her. “I had a crazy dream last night.”
Linda snuggled closer. “Wow! You’re becoming quite the dreamer! Tell me about it.”
“I was in our home, not this one, but I knew it to be ours. My dad appeared, looking very old and wrinkled, simply standing there in our living room. I walked right up to him and punched him in the face! He just took it and stared at me. I punched him over and over, screaming something at him, but I don’t remember the words. When I stopped, he was still expressionless, bleeding from the nose and the mouth. Then he finally spoke. He said, “Son, will you forgive me?” I yelled something again and hit him until he vanished into thin air. Then I woke up. That was it. What do you suppose it’s all about?”
Linda shook her head. “Do you think your father felt badly about himself and what he did to you and your family?”
“You mean this was a dream about what he somehow hoped could have been?”
“I don’t know, something like that.”
Chase peered out the window. “But look at what I did to him! I pummeled him to death!”
“Hon’, it was just a dream.”
“Oh, I know, but I’m trying to pay attention to all this stuff, especially when it has to do with my dad and me. I’ve been thinking that it’s not so much about him as about my anger issues.”
“Well that could be.”
“Thanks a lot,” Chase said with a forced grin. “I mean, we both know I show anger at times, but I don’t yell and hit. Even with my dad I wouldn’t have done that. I would have been too afraid. Babe, all I can think of is that there must be some pent-up junk still inside of me. Do you remember anger being one of the words in the spider web?”
“I forgot about that.”
“Maybe this is one more step toward my freedom. I guess it’s another thing to discuss with the doctor.”
“Are you still planning to meet with him again?”
“Yes. I need to. We both do.”
Chase didn’t notice her discomfort. Linda tried to hide it with a quick “okay” and by getting up for more coffee. Calling out from the kitchen, she said, “Hey hon’, you haven’t told me about your visit to your father’s gravesite. How’d that go?”
“Pretty amazing, I guess.” He waited for her to return before continuing. “I spoke to him as if he could hear me. It felt good—you know, processing some of the stuff I’m going through.”
“Anything specific?”
“Yeah. For one thing, I’m no longer going to take responsibility for his actions.”
“You’ve done that?”
“Always have, I guess. Anyway, the visit must have been worth it because of this dream.”
“Sounds like it, hon’. And I’m happy to see you’re still working through things from your past.”
“Well, I think we all need to be responsible for just our own actions.” Chase didn’t mean for this to be a jab at his wife, but her curt response showed that the line hit home.
“Thanks for sharing with me.”
The next several days went quite well. They spoke about their new house in New York, Chase hinting that it might be nice to move there. Linda laughed at the suggestion, which made him think a move would never happen. He joined in her laughter to make certain she didn’t take him seriously, though part of him considered this a real possibility.
Linda continued to notice positive changes in her husband. He would do little things like open the car door for her, sit next to her on the sofa, and tell her he loved her. And then came the more incredible moments of sharing his feelings, demonstrating vulnerability in areas long locked up. He called her his best friend or at least said that’s what he wanted her to be. This was something Linda had always dreamed of but had considered impossible a few months ago. He even mentioned God for the first time she could recollect.
“I’ve been thinking,” he said one day, “how God must have made a man and a woman to come together to have the most in
timate of relationships. And then I thought about best friends, how that’s really the most intimate of all relationships. This led me to conclude that God couldn’t possibly have intended us to have anyone other than our partner as our best friend. I mean, I know some husbands say their wives are their best friends, and I used to think that was nice for them, but I decided that it was unrealistic to believe that everyone could enjoy such a relationship.
“I know I’m getting deep. But here’s the deal. If I’m not my wife’s best friend and she’s not mine, where will we go to fulfill that need? I simply chose not to have that need fulfilled since I never recognized it as a need in the first place. Maybe that saved me from an illicit relationship with someone else, but I think it resulted in a lie that kept me away from what I now see: that you and I are meant for each other, that we complete each other. I think it’s a lie to believe that someone else could fulfill that need and maybe a lie to think that someone else should. Don’t you think it’s possible that the whole scenario is a lie? I mean, if I choose someone other than my wife as my best friend, offering that person the most intimate of all relationships, is that okay?”
Linda hesitated for a moment, making certain he had finished. “Wow! This really is deep. And I have to confess that I haven’t done very well with my own issues in this area. I’ve held back from you, maybe not intentionally, but I guess just to protect myself from being hurt. Can we work on this together, hon’?”
“Of course we can,” Chase said with a slight smile.
Linda fingered her hair. “Now I have a question about part of this—not that I’m disagreeing.”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“What about guys having friendships with other guys? Or what about my girlfriends? It just seems that some things are much easier to share with those of the same gender.”
“Well I don’t fully understand all of the dynamics, but you do hear people say that since they can’t tell everything to their spouse, they need to have a best friend to confide in. I’m sure there’s an element of truth there, but I want you as my best friend, and I hope that in time I will earn your trust.”
Linda melted. She tucked her arms underneath his and gave him a kiss, whispering in his ear, “Chase, that is the most special, most intimate thing I’ve ever heard. I want you, too, as my best friend.”
Chase had scheduled an appointment with Rhinegold for the following Monday. Linda suggested going out shopping on Saturday since she needed new clothes for work. In the past he would have balked or least complained about being too tired, but he recently considered how he could be more involved with his wife and try to enjoy the things in which she took pleasure.
The closest outdoor mall presented many opportunities for someone eager to indulge. Linda needed a couple of new outfits and of course all the accessories. Strolling out of a store, purchases in hand, they heard a voice calling out from behind them.
“Linda?”
She turned and nearly dropped her bags. “What on earth are you doing here?” she snapped.
“Shopping,” Stan said with a smirk.
Chase glanced back and forth. “What’s going on, Linda? Who is this?”
“Oh, hi,” Stan said, walking toward them. “You must be Chase. I’m Stan, an old friend of Linda’s.”
Linda grabbed Chase’s hand. He could feel her grip tighten when she asked, “What do you need, Stan?”
“Oh nothing. Just saw you walk by. Coincidence, I guess. How is everything?”
Linda couldn’t take it any longer. “Chase, this is the guy,” she whispered.
Chase swung around. “What? What guy? You mean this is the—”
“Yes.”
Chase looked straight at the intruder. “What do you want?” he asked, his voice acrid.
“Hey, man, I don’t want anything. Just being nice.”
“Get out of here!” Chase demanded gruffly.
Stan came closer. “Not so fast. You have no idea what’s going on with Linda and me. It’s like you’re blind. She has needs that you just—”
Before he could think, Chase reached back and punched him in the face. Stan crumpled over. Chase took advantage and hammered him in the stomach. He then waited until his enemy stood erect, holding his side and feeling his jaw. “Listen, man, this is my wife you’re flirting with! If I ever see or hear of you again, I’ll find you, and I won’t be as nice. Understand?”
“Coming from you? No.”
“You want me to finish it all right now?” Chase asked with a threatening glare, hoping he’d agree.
Stan shuffled away without answering.
Embarrassed that everything had come so dramatically to light, Linda took Chase’s hand and meekly apologized, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks.
“It’s okay, Linda. You don’t have to worry any longer. Does this jerk live around here?”
“No,” she responded through her tears. “Can we sit down?”
“Sure.”
They settled on a wooden bench next to a large planter, one of many that decorated the wide walkway between the shops. “I’m so sorry, Chase. I’ve kept this whole thing a secret for too long.”
He felt his heart drop, anticipating the worst. “Okay,” was all he could say.
“I was honest in saying that we made contact for a few weeks, and when I found out you were suspicious, I cut it off. What I didn’t tell you is that he sent an email one day after you went to New York, prompting me to call him and break it off again.”
Chase gulped. “So you called him.”
“Yes,” Linda said through her sobs. “I knew that I needed to make it clear that the whole thing was just in his head, nothing real. I told him never to contact me again. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think you’d understand or that you’d worry too much and leave New York early to be with your family.”
“So tell me the truth. Were there more calls?”
“Not from me! I wanted this whole thing over with. I mean, it wasn’t even a ‘thing’ to me. I got pulled into something I never really wanted. I opened up to someone I considered an old friend, someone I knew long before I met you. I had no idea he was looking for anything more than that.”
Chase’s stomach churned, his mind reeling. “What exactly was he looking for?”
“Hon’, nothing of substance ever existed. I told the truth last week when I said I never saw him. There were only emails and a few phone calls. He tricked me into believing that my needs weren’t being met, obviously implying that he was available to meet them.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Chase, I can’t go there. You don’t need to know the things we talked about. It wasn’t real.”
“Well it’s real to me!” he said, his stomach feeling as if it were in his throat.
“I’m sorry, hon’. That’s all I can say. He deserved what he got today. I’m glad you were here.” Linda reached to take his hand again, but Chase wasn’t satisfied.
“But what if I hadn’t been here?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure I would have told him the same thing I’ve been saying, to leave me alone.”
“Did you fall in love with this guy?”
“Please, honey, don’t do this. It’s over now.”
Linda’s response caused Chase’s internal knot to increase. He shook his head.
“Can you forgive me?” she asked.
Immediately he remembered his dream, with his dad asking the same question. He knew he wouldn’t lash out at his wife, but what about his rights? Could he forgive her when he felt betrayed? “I don’t know. I need to process it all.”
Linda carefully brushed her checks with her fingers and slowly dabbed underneath her eyes. She felt overwhelmingly fragile. “Well, can we at least talk to Doctor Rhinegold about it? Maybe he can help us.”
“Su
re.”
Their shopping excursion over, they drove home in silence. Chase was uncertain of his emotions. He looked at Linda out of the corner of his eye a few times, noticing the tears but unwilling to comfort her. He allowed her to feel remorseful.
When they reached the house, Chase handed Linda the car keys and told her to pick up the kids at the sitter’s. He walked slowly to his bedroom, opened his humidor, and grabbed a cigar. Alone in the backyard, he was tormented by his thoughts.
How in the world had this happened? Sure, he had been distant. Sure, he had pushed them apart and kept to himself. But what did he do to deserve this? Or maybe he did deserve it. After all, Linda’s needs weren’t being met, so she obviously reached out to someone who would listen to her. But then again, no one deserved this type of treatment.
So what now? Everything had been progressing so beautifully. He had undergone changes, she had responded to him, and their love life was better than ever. They were having fun again, communicating, and getting to know each other with renewed respect. He had just begun to discover his true identity outside of destructive lies that had dictated a false identity over the years. But now what? How would he deal with such a troubling situation, a wife who kept secrets, who lied and didn’t want to talk about it once exposed? How could they continue toward restoration and reconciliation on a path paved with deception? Could everything he held true be suddenly unraveling?
On the other hand, could Linda’s behavior result from a repressive, self-protective nature similar to his own? Did he think himself better than his wife? Could she too have been unknowingly trapped with no way of escape? The possibility brought Chase a bit of relief. He felt that they indeed would be able to work through everything together.
Chase lit his cigar, took a few puffs, and considered another potential issue. If Linda held back the truth to protect him, what made him think that she had revealed the entire truth and that nothing serious had taken place between her and that guy? Did they perhaps meet someplace? What if they had fallen in love and she didn’t know what to do about it? What if they …
Broken Lies Page 14