On the other hand, perhaps there indeed existed a way to defeat this enemy without destroying himself in the process. If self-centeredness was also a lie, maybe he could defy his own instinctual behavior by living with new purpose. Rather than conquering his dysfunctions and taking pride in those successes, a self-serving attitude, he could direct all of his attention to others and their needs. He would do this not to win another battle but to meet the spoken and unspoken cries for attention and love from those outside of his web. This would mean refocusing all of his energy and submitting his will completely to the task.
The light turned green. But how can self-centeredness be a lie? he wondered. Isn’t it true that people function with themselves in the very middle of their own worlds? Chase recalled a line about loving your neighbor as yourself, though he couldn’t remember the source. Didn’t that imply self-centeredness since a person first had to love himself? He ran his fingers through his hair, resting his right hand on the back of his neck for several moments. Perhaps, he thought, some lies are simply abused truth. He didn’t know.
Chase had only one desire at the moment, the only one worth fighting for, a deep yearning never before perceived but always residing within him—to be a loving family. Nothing mattered more. Nothing else made sense. He would concentrate on Linda, Ryan, and Amy and forget about himself. “It’s over,” he said aloud resolutely. He would bury all thoughts about lies and move forward, focusing particularly on helping his son.
Ryan was more embarrassed than angry, though certainly far from apologetic, asking his father why he had created such a scene in front of Zack and his mother. He wanted to know the reason for his dad’s panic. Of course he understood that he had broken the restriction. Of course he knew what he had done, though it consisted merely of spending one night away. No, they didn’t drink. No, they didn’t go out. And yes, he would never run away again.
“Are we finished, Dad?” he finally asked.
“Ryan, we’re never going to be finished. We’re family, and family stays together no matter what. Regardless of your disobedience, your mom and I love you and are here for you. You can always count on that.”
“Okay,” he responded sullenly with his head down.
Ryan loosely wrapped his arms around his mother’s back, feeling her tight embrace but resisting her tear-filled pleas never to disappear like that again. After another minute or so of emotional appeals, Linda agreed to his request to go up to his room.
“Unbelievable,” Chase muttered with a shake of his head.
“Are we losing him, hon’?”
“I think we may be. Come on, babe. Don’t cry. I made a decision when I was driving to pick him up. I’m done with all the visions and the dreams and the attempt to convince myself that the world would be a better place if people experienced the same things I did. I can’t take all the drama any longer. I think my own issues somehow created it all, you know, in a sort of dark way.”
“What on earth on you talking about?”
“I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. The way I philosophize, the way I reason, my pride in coming further than most. I’m convinced that it’s all an illusion.”
“Chase, you’re scaring me,” Linda said, wiping away her tears. “I have no idea what’s going on inside that brain of yours, but stop talking like this. We have to focus on Ryan.”
“That’s precisely the point. I’ve grown weary of being the center of my own world. I’ve realized that self-centeredness has driven my every thought and action. I’m done with that. I’m now fully committed to giving attention to you and the children. That’s it.”
“Well fine, but what are you saying about those personal changes that you know to be real?”
“Nothing’s real, babe. It’s all an illusion.”
“Look at me, Chase!” Linda’s voice was unusually stern. She took his face in both hands. “If you think you can simply go back to your old patterns and behaviors, I am the one who’s done! I will not live with that old man ever again! Are you hearing me?”
“Of course, but hey—”
“No buts, Chase. You go backward and you can back your way right out this home.”
He removed her hands from his face. “I’ve never heard you like this. But listen, it’s not what you think. I had—”
“And I’ve never heard you like this! Pull your mind together and embrace reality. I’ve gone through most of the same things you have, and I’m not standing here whining about it. The only illusion is your sudden belief that there is an illusion. Snap out of it!”
Chase reared back defensively. “You’re serious.”
“Of course I am. I need you, Chase. We need each other at this moment. Stay on course. We have to rescue our son.”
Rescue! The word felt like a wake-up slap to his face. It indeed accurately described his own deliverance, Linda’s victory over a tormenting relationship, and now Ryan’s need for freedom from peer pressure. Rescue implied desperation. That was true of him, certainly of Linda, and perhaps of his son.
“You’re right.”
“Thank you.”
“But let me ask you something, just out of curiosity. You’d actually have allowed me to walk out the door?”
“At that point, yes. I can’t allow you to divorce yourself from reality.”
“Okay, babe. I’ll work it out. Trust me.”
Linda reached for his hands. “Let’s do this together, Chase.”
“I’m with you,” he said, tightly squeezing her hands. “Hey, would you mind if I took some time alone? We can deal with Ryan later after he cools down.”
“Sure.”
Chase hurried to the humidor in his office, chose one of his Dominicans, stole a peek at Linda before grabbing a beer from the refrigerator, and walked hastily outside to his habitual place by the fountain. He hadn’t noticed the back fence leaning awkwardly against one of the old maples. Assuming the wood might be deteriorating, he made a mental note to rescue the fence. He stopped when he realized the expense.
Isn’t that the truth? Chase mused quietly. There is indeed a cost to being rescued. Pleased that Linda’s ultimatum had roused him from his mental torpor, he was relieved that he could return to living his life with the lessons he’d learned regarding lies and truth. Chase now considered rescue’s true price—a battle for one’s soul, a relentless tug-of-war between reality and illusion, inner peace and disillusionment. But the alternative entered his mind. He pictured a man drowning at sea and rejecting a life-preserver tossed out to him. Then he pictured another man, frustrated with his slow progress, heaving his life-preserver aside to try swimming against the waves.
This must be his own precarious condition, still at sea, struggling to find land. Chase had assured himself of his own freedom, and he had beckoned others to join him on a newly discovered island of hope. Now he saw that the shoreline was still frustratingly far off, and he realized that he needed steady and determined patience merely to hold on. Could it possibly be worth the cost? Did the dividends outweigh the mental and emotional price? They had to, he decided. Rewards without cost, rescue without daunting challenges, must in fact minimize the miraculous gift.
Grumbling to himself that he forget to light his cigar, Chase torched the end and took a few satisfying puffs. Now where did he leave off? He couldn’t remember.
His dad came to mind. Chase reflected on how he lacked a real father and resolved not to repeat his dad’s mistakes. Life was interesting. On the one hand, how someone was raised made a difference; on the other hand, there was only so much a parent could do to influence children. Even those considered the best parents often found themselves burdened by the rebellious nature of their offspring, while others abandoned their children only to discover their incredible talent and success years later. So apparently the key wasn’t so much what happened in a person’s life but how he or she responded to what happ
ened.
Chase recalled his grandmother Nattie telling him with a certain authority that God wouldn’t let him die without accomplishing something good. Though he was uncertain about that, he knew he’d definitely progressed from where he began.
He wondered about eternity, thinking of his mom and dad, of Lane and Kathy. He found it interesting that the afterlife was typically an afterthought until someone close died. Then people hoped in the reality of it, discovering a sense of security in the possibility that life didn’t end in the grave. But heaven and hell? Chase didn’t understand much about them, simply concluding that if one existed the other must as well. However, who went where remained a mystery.
Chase took a few sips of beer and saw the ash on his cigar growing. What had he accomplished in his life of nearly forty-five years? Though he was content with his marriage and satisfied with his health and his finances, could those areas of success be good enough? And if so, good enough for whom? Most of his debilitating lies had been exposed and broken, and although this was a continual process, it led him ever closer to internal freedom. That had to count for something.
Or did any of it matter? Wasn’t life simply about doing the best you can, enjoying it as much as possible, and treating others with respect and kindness? Or could there be something he had missed? Could there be a deeper meaning to it all that had somehow escaped him? The huge hand that rescued him from the spider web—could he one day identify it? The voice that spoke so clearly to him—would there ever be resolution to its source?
He finished his beer and tossed away the remaining cigar, feeling content at least to pursue difficult questions. Though left with no answers, only the solitude of an ocean of thought, Chase decided simply to enjoy his rescue.
Broken Lies Page 23