I will never be normal and okay.
“I’m not afraid. Not now. Not here with you.”
It’s true. I’m not afraid anymore, and I want him to know it because he deserves to understand that I’m not comparing him and this….I don’t know what to call it, but it’s nothing like the other. He is nothing like the other.
“Ellie, I—”
“I escaped, did you know that?” I interrupt.
It was my moment of pride knowing I’d outsmarted Bolton and gotten free. I still remember his screams of rage echoing around me as I ran.
“No,” he says gruffly, breathing into my hair.
“Well I did. I got loose and ran, but it was hot. I had no water and I was dehydrated and weak from hunger. I didn’t get far at all before I collapsed and he came and dragged me back. For a rich, pampered college boy, he was very strong and determined. Anyway, he took me back and cared for me.”
Those words make us both shudder, and I’m almost sure I feel tears wetting my temple where his face is pressed to mine.
“He fed me and made me drink through my cracked, bleeding lips and bathed me in some medicine or something to heal the places the sun had blistered me. When I was strong enough, he…put me in a box, poured snakes in with me, and sealed me in.”
Saying it out loud is easier than I expected, and if not for Wyatt’s shudders, I would feel victorious at this huge breakthrough I’ve made. That one time I told Dr. Hanley, I’d needed to drug myself half to death just to function.
“Christ, Ellie, I am so sorry.”
“Not your doing, Wyatt, so no apologies required. I screamed, man oh man did I scream. Things are scarier in the dark when you can’t see them. They feel bigger. More sinister than your rational mind can grasp. They were everywhere. In my hair, my ears, trying to crawl up any crevice or hole they found.”
Blech. I’d stopped pounding on the box top in order to keep them from crawling into me.
“My throat was bleeding when he opened the lid hours later, and I learned one thing I will never forget. I may have thought I was stronger, more resilient, but there are always ways for people to hurt you. Always, and Bolton Conrad broke me that day. I didn’t try to run after that. I was cowed and broken and I don’t know if I’ll ever be right again.”
I want to be now that I know this good man and his family. I want in there so that I won’t be alone, so I can have that closeness I haven’t had in years.
“He didn’t break shit, he just made you stronger than you should be, baby. You’re not weak for wanting to survive.”
“I didn’t, though. I wanted to die. I just couldn’t risk another torture like that one.”
We say nothing more for a long time. He just holds me and rocks gently as I sit quietly and think of every moment he stole and every minute I can never get back.
Is this what I want? Can I honestly say I want to live this way, half dead and not caring when I used to want nothing more than to live, love, and be happy?
I don’t want what he did to steal any more precious time from me, and I know just where to start looking for the happiness I’ve denied myself for so long.
“Ellie?”
“Hmm?”
I’m mellow and relaxed now that I have my mind made up and am ready to take what I want.
“Don’t take this the wrong way and hit me, baby.”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
Chapter Seven
Ellie
You could knock me down with nothing more than a breath right now, I’m so shocked, and I think he knows it when he takes my shoulders and pushes me back gently.
The look in his eyes is gentle and resigned, because he knows I’m not close to that level of emotion and trust yet.
“Wyatt.”
“Shh, no, I don’t expect an answer from you now, and I wouldn’t believe it anyway, baby. I know you need time and I’ll give it to you. I just had to tell you because I can’t keep it in anymore. I love you and I want you. If you take ten years to feel that way, I can deal, just know that no matter what you say I’m not letting you go.”
All I can do is nod my head. My throat is too tight to speak right now, and even if I could, what’s there to say? I could love him, but not before I’ve figured out a way to love myself.
“Come on, up and at ‘em. Breakfast and then I think we should explore the indoor pool and all it has to offer.”
I scramble up and stand uncertainly as he makes his way to the door before turning back to me.
“He won’t ever hurt you again, Ellie. No one will, I swear it.”
He leaves me standing there, shocked, a little heartsick, and totally feeling…something I can’t name.
I make my way to the shower and spend my time on autopilot while I think about everything.
Would it be so bad to give in? The sex would be good. I know that without a doubt.
I shampoo my hair while thinking things through, and by the time I’ve dried and dressed, I have my answer and my next move.
Taking the stairs quickly, I reach the kitchen and feel a smile break loose. He’s cooking again, and it smells so good that my stomach lets off a monster growl.
“Oh hey, baby, you hungry?”
For more than food. I feel a blush heat my cheeks.
“Sure. Can I do anything?”
“Butter some toast? Oh hey, Ma called this morning and asked if you prefer creams or whites.”
“Huh?”
Please, Jesus, not the wedding stuff again. I’m all for trying to have something with Wyatt, but just thinking about a wedding now, so soon, and without me knowing all I need to know, gives me the scratch.
He shrugs casually and goes back to the stove and the hash browns he’s frying up. He’s not looking directly at me, hasn’t since I came into the kitchen, and is keeping his back turned. Suspicious and unsettling…
“Don’t ask me, I don’t have a clue. She just called and threw it at me. I chose cream since you’ve been drowning in white in that mausoleum you call a bedroom.”
“Cream is fine. So, I’ve been thinking…”
That gets his attention and he turns.
I swallow and try to shove my tongue down my throat lest it roll out and start sampling the floor at the view I get of his front. He’s dressed in a T-shirt and loose sweats this morning, as if he’s been working out, and the sweats…are not doing a very good job of hiding his erection.
“Huh?”
Don’t look away, Ellie. If you do he’ll think you’re turning away again, and that isn’t something you want, remember?
I find he’s smiling when I finally manage to drag my gaze upward, and his eyes are hot enough to fry my clothes off when mine meet his.
“He’s always like that for you, so unless you want me to postpone breakfast and eat you up instead, I suggest you keep your eyes on mine,” he growls.
“Can we eat breakfast and then talk?” I squeak, my determination wavering in the face of all that size. Really. The man is huge, everywhere, and I’m not even sure it will fit.
He sighs then turns back to the stove as I walk over and start buttering the toast. The silence is oddly comforting, and I find myself relaxing and giggling beneath my breath at him and the crazy family I now seem to belong to.
“What’s so funny, baby?”
“Nothing. Just, you know your mom’s already named grandkids and has a color scheme for the nursery, right? Last night she asked me how I feel about breast versus bottle since she intends on babysitting. A lot. And then she made some giggling noises and rang off. I think your dad liked the topic of conversation a little too much, if you know what I mean.”
“You want my ears to start bleeding, baby? That’s just plain gross,” he gripes, but I notice he’s smiling and giving me sideways glances at the mention of babies and boobs.
I giggle and set the table as he starts serving.
“You know you came from somewhere…”
“M
a says she found me in a ‘most likely to be a convict’ catalogue,” he says and we laugh together.
I feel free as we eat and talk about nothing of importance, just enjoying the company and our time together.
Though I still get the uncontrollable urge to go in search of my usual fare of boiled chicken and granola, I am making a conscious effort to fight it and just live in the here and now.
It feels good not to be so busy keeping everything perfect. With Wyatt, I can relax and not think about anything unless I want to, and even then, he’s pretty insistent about him doing all of the heavy lifting.
I’m pampered and relaxed and just…free, I guess, and that feels great because it reminds me of lazy Saturdays spent with Mama and those fishing trips Dad would take me on when I was little.
“Hey, Wyatt?”
“Yeah?”
I’m nervous as we clean the plates away and make our way to the pool in the lower level.
“I think I would have liked to date you when I was younger,” I admit eventually when we reach the Olympics-sized pool and he bends to test the water temp.
My words give him pause, and he looks up at me from his crouching position with eyes that are hot and soft at the same time. His Adam’s apple bobs and I see him swallow before smiling up at me.
Do I see regret there?
“I’m glad to hear that, baby, since I would have dated you in a heartbeat.” He rises and takes my hand to pull me towards a little room in the corner. “There are bathing suits in all sizes in there. Choose one and come on in, the water is perfect.”
Five minutes later I’m cursing myself, all swimsuit models, and the freaks who make these darn things. The only suit in my size in this joint is a white one with two tiny triangles masquerading as a top.
My boobs look huge in this thing, and to top it off, the sides are on full display and my nipples are barely covered by the small amount of fabric.
And I won’t even go into the tiny ass bottoms that want to be a thong no matter how many times I try to stretch the fabric over my behind.
“Ellie, you okay in there, baby?” I hear through the door and my heart starts beating a mile a minute at the thought of him so close and me so…exposed.
“Er, yeah, I just can’t find anything to fit. It’s indecent.”
If I walk out there in this I won’t have to say a word or do a damn thing. This suit is an invitation in and of itself.
“Stop stalling and get out here.”
I obey, cracking the door open to look out, and I start drooling like a dog. The man is a fine specimen in a pair of low-riding swim trunks that highlight everything he’s showing and more.
“Wow,” I breathe, clapping a hand to my mouth and blushing when he chuckles and shoves the door open wider.
“Holy fucking shit.”
I guess he likes the suit then.
My cheeks heat and I do that weird girl thing where I look down and dig my toe into the white marble beneath my feet.
“It’s too small,” I mutter, bringing my arms up to cover myself and my hard nipples.
“I disagree, you look freaking phenomenal. But if it’s uncomfortable, you can always take it off,” he purrs, waggling his eyebrows at me.
That breaks the tension that’s been gripping me, and I giggle.
“In your dreams.”
“Night and day, baby. I dream about it night and day. Now stop seducing me and get that butt in the water.”
This is a big deal as I dip my toe into the water and test the temperature for myself. I only shower at home, and then it’s timed to the second because I’ve had my fair share of water nightmares after Bolton’s bathtub.
It seems okay, so I take the first step down into the water and pause, letting the sensations wash over my skin.
“You doing okay, Ellie?”
“Fine, just adjusting.”
Lies. I’m trying not to freak out and run screaming from this place like a mad woman. More minutes pass and I move in up to my hips. Still okay, still okay, I keep chanting before taking that last step down that submerges me up to the very tops of my shoulders. To say I’m jittery is an understatement. I want to run, plain and simple.
Until Wyatt steps in and comes up behind me, wrapping his strong arms around my torso from behind. At his touch, my skin tingles with awareness, but I notice that my muscles liquefy immediately and that panic disappears in the blink of an eye.
Just like that, I’m not afraid and desperately fighting an internal battle. I’m safe, I know it, and from just one simple touch from him.
“Good. Now take a deep breath and let’s enjoy this time, Ellie. We’ll have to go home soon enough and face the realities we can’t escape all too soon.”
That sounds cryptic, but I shrug it off and move forward, letting the water wash it all away so I’m able to enjoy being young and free with a hot guy, who is definitely my college self’s dream hunk.
We swim around for another half hour or so, splashing and laughing-me trying not to stare holes into his muscular physique-before he calls it quits and whips me out of the water.
“You’re pruny.”
“Geez, don’t try to compliment me so much, it’ll give me an ego.”
“Sarcasm. So witty, Miss Carver.” He laughs, leading me to the loungers and the tall glasses of iced water I didn’t notice before.
“Okay. Now we talk, yeah?” I say after draining my glass and throwing on the robe he’s provided.
“Talk. Damn, baby, is this one of those instances where you lull me by being all soft and then wham me with the hard stuff?” he gripes, leaning up on his elbow as I take a seat and fold my legs beneath me.
“Nope, I’ve decided something, and I want to talk about it before we go any further. I’ve been thinking, and, well, I like you, Wyatt Lane. I like you a lot.”
“Music to my ears.”
“Oh hush. Like I was saying, I like you, but I’m not exactly sure where things are going with us. No, don’t interrupt. Just listen. Firstly, you know a lot of stuff about me that I’m not comfortable with you knowing, whether you care about it or not, that’s how I feel. Then I need to say that the way I’ve been lately is not the norm. I need all of that routine to make me feel all right with the world, no matter how hard you try to convince me otherwise.”
He doesn’t like that, I can see it, but he manages to keep it to himself and gives me a nod.
“Noted. I need to set up a routine for us. What else?”
“Well, you probably want us to sleep together or something.”
“Uh, that would be a positive response from the salivating man in front of you.” He laughs, looking down at his lap ruefully.
It amuses me enough that I giggle, despite my nerves, and manage to meet his gaze.
“I am attracted to you like you wouldn’t believe, Wyatt, and I do want you. I’m just not sure about all the set-in-stone stuff that comes along with being with you. What if we’re together and one of us wants out? I can’t—”
“I will never want out, Ellie. I told you, I love you. I’ve never loved another woman before, so I’m going on record saying that this is my forever.”
“Well, what if I want to walk away?” I ask, wincing at the callousness of my words.
What if he’s a toenail-picking kind of guy or does something equally annoying down the road? It’s not out of the realm of possibility, you know.
“Then it’s up to me to try harder, Ellie, that’s all. If somewhere down the line you need some space and time to settle things in your mind, or if you just…don’t want me anymore, then it’s something I’ll have to accept because I love you enough to want you to be happy. I’ll do everything I can not to let you feel that way, though, so prepare to be wooed,” he says, grinning when my eyes widen.
“Okay.”
Now I’ve done it.
“Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay. Let’s try this whole dating, sleeping together, and being a couple thing. I like you enou
gh to want to try.”
He swallows, and I notice that he seems nervous all of a sudden.
“You, uh…are you a…”
I know what he’s asking, and instead of blushing and avoiding the subject, I answer as best as I can.
“Technically. I’ve never made love before, so I’m a virgin in that sense, but the barrier isn’t there anymore. I had an episode when I was fourteen involving a horse and me landing very hard when it took off while I was on it. Trust me, though, after seeing all that blood, you’re lucky that thing is history.”
“Okay. Good. Uh…I’m going to kiss you now, Ellie.”
He doesn’t give me a moment to process this before his lips are crashing down on mine in a kiss that is about claiming and possession. After a few seconds, and now that he’s satisfied his urges, he gentles the contact and starts kissing me sweetly and deeply, slowing us both down till I feel like he’s making love to my mouth.
It’s arousing, heated, soft, and romantic all at the same time, and I feel myself falling deeper under his spell. This isn’t my first kiss, but I can say that it is the first real kiss I’ve had. Ever.
It does everything the books have talked about and so much more. With this one action, he’s got me hooked, and by the time he stops licking and kissing my mouth and pulls away, I think he knows it.
The moment should be awkward as he pulls away and stares deep into my eyes, his hands cradling my face gently, reverently. It isn’t.
“I knew it would be this way with you. Perfect,” he breathes before coming back to lay butterfly kisses all over my upturned face.
“Wyatt, I—”
“Shh, don’t be afraid, Ellie, this is exactly what making love should feel like. Let me show you what I feel for you.”
That pleading tone and the way he’s looking at me is so loving that all I can do is nod and follow as he takes my hand and leads me out of the pool area and back into the house.
Our trek up the stairs takes longer than it should because he keeps stopping to kiss me breathlessly, and by the time we reach the master bedroom, I’m dazed and so aroused that I can hardly form a thought.
I get nervous when he stops us beside the bed and unties my robe, sliding it down and off my shoulders in a feather-light move that sends goose bumps breaking out all over my body and tightens my nipples.
Wyatt (Lane Brothers #1) Page 6