The rest of the wagon echoed agreement. I got the sense that even amongst this pack of killers, Roussel was little loved. And there wasn’t any reason to think things had gone any way except how I’d said it.
Rabbit was gassed to hell, sweating and snorting like a stallion. Hroudland was looking at me in a fashion I didn’t care for, but he was at least savvy enough to see that now wasn’t the time for further violence. After a moment he leaned over and whispered something in his subordinate’s ear, and whatever it was it seemed to work. The madness gradually drained out of Rabbit’s eyes, replaced with a broad smile. Not his normal friendly idiocy, but something tainted and deadly as a rusty nail. ‘We made them pay for it, though. By the Scarred One, we made them pay for it.’ He pulled something from a pouch on his back, then tossed it to the wagon floor.
At my feet were Artur’s blond tresses, now stained with red, a fair bit of waxy scalp attached.
‘A class act, Rabbit,’ I said, turning away. ‘Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.’
42
Back at the Earl I stepped right past our ale tap and pulled a bottle of liquor from below the counter, then found myself a spot in the corner and went to it. I knew what I was in for when I set things rolling, I told myself after the first shot. After about the third I even started to believe it. At some point I discovered the vial of breath in my pocket was empty, though I didn’t remember using it.
By the time Adolphus and Wren came in, thrilled with the progress of the evening, I was the sort of drunk no man should get. The sort of drunk where you don’t notice mistakes, where you get to enjoying making them.
‘If it isn’t the Hero of Aunis, and his faithful sidekick.’
They’d missed me in the dark, had already crossed to the bar. Adolphus stopped smiling, but Wren’s grin seemed slapped on, cheeks flushed red. Probably Adolphus had given him a nip or two in the bustle and the excitement, Adolphus or one of our ex-comrades.
I stood up from my seat, slow enough to keep my legs steady, then ambled over to meet them. ‘Late night, I see.’
Adolphus muttered something under his breath.
‘Me too, as it turns out. Noble service to the corps, the both of us. Though I imagine mine had a different tenor.’
‘Adolphus was a hit. He left everyone in tears,’ Wren piped in, happily drunk or actively trying to aggravate me.
‘Just like the Dren!’ The words swelled together incomprehensibly.
‘Best you go to bed now,’ Adolphus answered, his bad eye refusing to meet my gaze, and his good one.
‘Spare a few moments for a drink with an old veteran, down on his luck.’ I reached behind the counter and slopped some liquor into fresh cups. ‘You wouldn’t want to leave a man behind.’
Adolphus didn’t like where this was going, but he went along with it anyway. After a moment Wren took his cue as well, hands small and stiff around the mug.
‘What should we drink to?’
‘It’s your show,’ the giant grumbled.
‘Indeed it is.’ I angled my tumbler above my head. ‘To the men of the First Capital Infantry, as slippery a batch of motherfuckers as ever planted a knife in a man’s back.’ I rolled back the rim of the cup.
Wren downed his own, then raised a mocking hand to his forehead.
I cuffed it away. ‘Don’t ever fucking salute me,’ I said. ‘Don’t ever fucking salute anyone.’
‘Boy, bed,’ Adolphus ordered, and this time I didn’t contradict him. Wren slunk off to the back room, then put an ear to the door, if I know anything about anything.
‘You ought to be more careful with your words – you can only coast on that liquor but so long.’
I poured whiskey into my cup, then into my throat. ‘I’ll stand by them.’
‘You’re drunk.’
‘But right just the same.’
‘I won’t listen to you badmouth the men we died with. I’m proud to count myself a member of the Fightin’ First.’
‘You been telling Wren that?’
‘There are worse things than being a soldier.’
‘I will see that child in the ground before I see him in uniform.’ I took a long swig straight from the bottle, cutting out the middleman. ‘I’ll put him there myself.’
‘Because your current employment is so praiseworthy?’
‘Damn right. I kill a man now at least I know it’s in my interest, not ’cause he’s wearing different colored leather.’
‘Why do you insist upon pissing on everything we were?’
‘Because I remember it accurately – I’m not puffing myself up to impress a child.’
Adolphus wasn’t looking for a fight, but neither was he one to run from it. He finally took his drink, knocking it back in one smooth motion. Then he set his cup on the bar and turned towards me, his hands conspicuously unoccupied. ‘Watch yourself.’
I caught the bright sheen of metal pinned to his ill-fitting dress coat, and felt fury like bile well up from my throat. ‘What’d they strike that medal from? Platinum? Gold? Horseshit?’
‘I already warned you once.’
‘Hero of Aunis – that’s a hell of a title. What did you do to get a title like that?’
The look on his face would have made a wise man run. Even most stupid ones for that matter.
‘Funny thing is,’ I continued, ‘I was at Aunis, and I don’t remember no heroes. Just a turn-color coward who left his best friend to die.’
I won’t blame it on the drink, though I was drunk enough that I barely saw it coming – had I been sober as a churchman, it wouldn’t have mattered. Adolphus was just about the best man with his fists I’d ever seen, truly skilled, not just big. On the credit side of the account the booze meant that I barely felt the blow. I was standing and then I was lying down, but what came between was as abrupt as a thunderclap.
I lay there awhile, in no great hurry to stand. I’d have stayed there all night, really, if decorum had allowed it. My nose was broke, one more tic on a long tally. I didn’t suppose it would make me any uglier. ‘Big man,’ I said, pulling myself up finally. ‘Tough as a boot nail with an old drunk.’
He’d used all his anger up on my face, seemed more stung by the blow than I was. ‘I’m . . .’ He stuttered over this opening for a while, his mouth flapping in apology.
‘For the punch? Or because I was right about why you threw it?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Stay the fuck away from tomorrow’s march, unless you want to join Roland in martyrdom.’
I had the presence of mind to grab the bottle on my way out. I left it in a ditch off Pritt Street and kept walking, and given that I was a third full with liquor, making it all the way to Offbend displayed extraordinary fortitude. I didn’t suppose I’d get a medal for it, though.
43
It was raining. It had been raining since the beginning of time, so there was no reason to expect it to stop now.
It rose ankle deep on a good day, but most days weren’t, and it settled up around your knees. It soaked through your clothes, of course. Through your greatcoat, through your shirt. Through your backpack and anything you had in there. Through your pants, and your underwear. You’d think at some point you’d get used to wearing wet underwear but you’d be wrong, you never do.
It rained every moment of the day, whatever you were doing. It rained when you were on watch, when you tried to roll a cigar-ette, when you tried to smoke it. When you slept, when you shat and pissed. It rained during mealtime, a garnish on whatever you ate. Bully-beef with rainwater. Worm-ridden grain with rainwater. Our liquor ration was mostly water, but we drank that with rainwater too.
The rain was bad. The mud was worse. Mud doesn’t really describe it. Women step over puddles of mud in the street, children make mud pies and throw mud balls at each other. Mud doesn’t swallow whole men, full-grown adults with five stones of equipment. Our mud did though. A member of our battalion swore up and down that he’d once excavated
an entire supply wagon, a team of mules and a driver. I wasn’t there to see it, but I wouldn’t bet against it either.
A distant third, after the rain and the mud, were the Dren. Sure, now and again they’d murder a few of us, but we did the same to them, and their occasional forays at least broke up the monotonous struggle against the elements. You could slit a Dren’s throat and at least feel you’d accomplished something – good luck taking aim at a raincloud.
It was the fourth year of the war. From Beneharnum we had moved hundreds of miles inland, slowly and fitfully, marching over the bodies of our comrades, every inch won with a pint of blood. When we had first found ourselves in Dren territory nine months back, it had seemed that things might be coming to an endgame. Unfortunately it turned out the only thing more ferocious than a Dren fighting to take another country was a Dren fighting to keep his own, and progress had long since slowed to a crawl.
Little else could be said of our general situation with any certainty. Accurate information was more or less impossible to stumble across. You could read the broadsheets, but they were all lies, censored away to nothing by the anxious pen of the commandants. The headline of every issue trumpeted victory and the small print foretold of similar success in the immediate future. Victory when we advanced, victory when we held steady, victory when we retreated. Victory at every point on the map.
If this was victory, you could fucking keep it. We’d stalled out, and the Dren were getting ready to respond. All month there had been signs. Our raiders had captured men from companies we’d never heard of, and intelligence reported vast goods being stockpiled in the trenches in front of us, shells and quarrels, spare blades and bandages.
I was the head of a company of a hundred and fifty men. A hundred and fifty on paper, maybe half that in reality, the rest sick, missing or deserted. Most were the first two. Everyone wanted to run off, of course, or at least I sure as hell did. But there was nowhere to go – we were hundreds of miles from the coast and even if you somehow made it, you couldn’t very well swim to Rigus. Desertion was the act of the broken and desperate, practically speaking little different from suicide. They hung absentees, rotting corpses strung from rotting ropes, gallows behind the lines instilling martial spirit in the living.
It was shortly before the theoretical dawn, though the permanent overcast and the dense layer of fog rendered morning indistinguishable from afternoon, and evening only barely distinct from day. I was huddled beneath my greatcoat in the support trench fifty yards back from the front line, propped up on a couple of crates, keeping my legs elevated out of the run-off. Every so often I’d nod asleep and wake up a moment later hell-deep in slush. Finally I dragged myself up and went to check on my number two, currently taking his time on watch.
Adolphus had weathered his time as well as any of us, which is to say he was a broken shell of a man. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him smile. Not that there was much to smile about – despondency was appropriate to the situation. He’d wrapped his body around a half-pike and a wool blanket around his body, and all three were caked in mud. He didn’t stir at my approach, which didn’t exactly instill confidence as to his abilities as a sentinel.
‘’Lo, Sergeant.’
He didn’t answer.
‘Adolphus.’
He raised his head up slowly, but his eyes wouldn’t stick on me, slick as the weather. ‘Hey.’
I let his lack of proper military etiquette slide. ‘Quiet night, I guess.’
‘I guess.’
‘Nothing to report?’
‘Nothing to report.’
It was a half-hour before the watch would change. ‘Why don’t you head back, try and scare up some grub.’
He nodded, but it took him a long time to stand. ‘I guess they’re gonna hit us today,’ he said, passing me the pike.
‘You never know. Maybe they’ve all gone pacifist.’
He didn’t laugh, but then again it wasn’t funny. Thirty minutes later I gave a very surprised private a spear and went to get breakfast.
There was no breakfast. Our supply wagon had been hit by artillery, or gotten lost trying to find us, or the commandant sold it on the black market and pocketed the change. I’d meant to save something from dinner the night before, a cracked biscuit or a few mouthfuls of salted meat. I hadn’t though. A line of very glum men sat on the barest nub of an incline, trying to light cigarettes beneath wet greatcoats and parceling out what remained of their liquor ration. The silver on my collar precluded my joining them, so I went back to check on the line.
Four years of being ground beneath a millstone meant that virtually the entire company consisted of replacement soldiers – besides Adolphus and I, there were barely a half dozen men remaining who could remember our defeat at Beneharnum, and the terrible days after. Still, under our circumstances, it didn’t take long to turn a recruit into a veteran – anyone left standing after a month was hard as burnt steel. I toured the main trench, nodding at men distilled away to gristle and teeth, watched them sharpening knives and cribbing smokes. Mostly they knew their business, but here and there I made a few adjustments, repositioning guards and sending the weakest-looking back behind lines – though we all looked pretty damn weak, and the support trench wouldn’t hold long if our defenses were breached. Some of them asked for extra bolts or more grenades, and I promised I’d get them as soon as I could. Some of them just wanted to grumble, and I’d listen for a while, then slap a hand on their shoulder and keep walking.
We were as solid as we could be, without supplies, without reinforcements, without there being any reason for us to be there. I figured we’d hold a diversionary attack, but anything more serious and we’d burst like a swollen corpse. Nothing to be done about it. I’d been sending runners to the back lines for two straight days, damn near begging for support and receiving increasingly curt responses. We were on our own. If Maletus was with us, the weight of the Dren thrust would fall elsewhere. But the Scarred One keeps his own counsel, and I didn’t imagine the lives of a handful of infantry figured much into them.
We’d carved the main trench through a low hillock, and if you managed to angle yourself right, there was an overhang that sort of kept the rain off. It was as good as you were going to get, at least. Beneath it I found a wooden bucket buried in the mud, and I flipped it over and sat on it.
To exist without awareness, that was what you aimed at. Memories worn to irrelevance, the future equally insubstantial. Obey orders and don’t think beyond them. Don’t think about your sweetheart back home all alone, don’t think about her pink thighs, or how lonely she must be getting. Don’t think about fresh fruit, or a seasoned chunk of pork, or a strong dark ale. Don’t think about blue skies, or the sun.
Don’t think about the men in the trenches ahead of you, skin like leather, eyes dark as coal. Don’t think about the friend you put in the ground yesterday – maybe not a friend, but acquaintance at least, and in the ground for certain. Don’t think about whether today was your day, don’t think about how many times you’d gotten lucky, whether that luck would hold.
The crack of cannon brought me to. The worst thing about artillery is there’s nothing you can do against it – the whistle of the shot gives you a few seconds’ head start, but if you moved you were as likely to run into it as escape the blast area. Best to hunker down, stay where you are. If the ball had your name on it, then you were good and fucked. Might as well meet She Who Waits Behind All Things with your dignity intact, seeing as your body wouldn’t be.
At first I figured it was a quick burst to unsettle us. The Dren loved that sort of thing – fire a few shots over to make sure you weren’t getting too comfortable. But the initial barrage was followed by another, and another. Two solid hours I spent curled up beneath that overhang, wave after wave of munitions rolling over me. Long gone were the days when artillery was a passing concern – the Dren had gotten scalpel sharp with theirs. They could drop a shell into an outhouse hole six inches
round and half a mile distant. They were working against the environment though, like all of us. The one upside to the terrain meant that anything short of a direct hit did nothing more than toss mud into the air. Sometimes the artillery would stop for a minute, or two, or five – the Dren hoping to lure us out prematurely, then make us into scrap when they turned the fire back on.
It had been off for a while when it finally struck me that this was the real thing, that they’d be hitting us soon. I ducked out of cover and sent the alarm as best I could, signaling down both ends of the line to form up. It got to our bugler, who sounded off on his horn, though after the last two hours I doubt many could hear it.
Most of the company were already at the front, and those who had survived the cannon prepped themselves for what was coming. The rest joined us soon enough, slipping in from the support trench. I caught Adolphus’s ungainly bulk drop awkwardly into the mud and waved him over. Even the most haggard son of a bitch gets a shot of energy in the moments before a fight, but just the same he looked lost, battered. I hadn’t the time to worry about it, figured he’d snap awake at the smell of blood. A peek over the precipice showed lines of gray men emerging from the gray mist. I dropped back down and gave the all clear for free fire, and our bowmen, perched inside narrow barricades set above the lines, started sending bolts into the gloom. A trickle of screams made their way in our direction, gratifying if meaningless – our missilists alone wouldn’t be enough, not nearly, not even if they’d had enough bolts. This wasn’t no diversion – the Dren were playing for keeps.
The first one came over, a husky motherfucker with mud up to his hips, leaping down from the edge. He bounced his sword off mine but didn’t stop moving, heading down the line, trying to carry the trench by sheer momentum. I hoped one of our boys would set a hand-ax in his brow, spent too long hoping and missed his follow-up – there was a movement at the edge of my vision, and then I was lying face up in the muck, breathless and waiting to die.
Tomorrow, the Killing lt-2 Page 25