Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

  Shit… I honestly don’t know.

  That’s a lie…

  The doors open and we’re facing the deserted bay for the elevators. Grasping her arm, I lead her out and turn us both into an alcove. I stop as I box her in and she gasps. “What are you doing?”

  My hands rub my furrowed forehead as I try to think about what I want to say. “Ok, here’s the thing. I date around. I have a whole lot of women I take out, because I can. None are even remotely serious and all are just people who think the same way I do and want to have a good time without entanglements. I date a lot of women, yes. But I’m not a player. I don’t lie to women and promise them something that I have no intention of following through with.

  “Maybe the reason is because I had zero game in school… I’d have to check with the therapist on that one.

  “Regardless of whatever you think though, this isn’t a game or a thrill. I saw you today and it was an instant reminder that I’d been into you back in school. But you were so far out of my league then. I never would have had a shot with you. Now, I’m different. I’m sexy and sought after, just ask the magazines that keep putting me in the sexiest whatever the fuck they’re talking about editions.

  “I asked you to dinner, Maggie. You agreed.

  “So, let’s start with a fucking dinner. If anything else happens… well, we’ll figure it out.”

  Her eyes widen and she sputters, “You liked me in high school? You never said anything! You never asked me out. Hell, you never even talked to me.”

  It’s my turn to blink. “No shit. You were the queen of the school and I was a loser that everyone made fun of for being a clown. I dealt with enough on a daily basis without adding teenage rejection from the hottest girl in school to the mix.”

  Her mouth is making an “o” as she stares at me in shock. “People liked you, Spradley. You made everyone laugh.”

  With a laugh, I shake my head. “No, Maggie. No one liked me. The popular kids, you were one of them, made fun of me and I was always the butt of their jokes. They laughed at me not with me. There’s a huge difference in the two.

  “They made fun of me for various reasons. The fact that I was so uncool. The fact that I was an idiot that made people laugh. And they’re where the name ‘Spanky’ came from.

  “When your last name is Nutts and you’re an unpopular guy… well, it’s easy to make fun. If they’re going to laugh at you, then you just as soon roll with it, right?!

  “It’s certainly served me well. I can’t hate them for it because look at me now. The nickname they tormented me with stuck and now… Spanky Nutts is famous. That name makes me a lot of money.”

  She shakes her head. “No, the name doesn’t make you the money. You make the money. Your wit and advice, though crude, is pretty good.” She sighs and shakes her head as if in disbelief. “Ok, against my better judgement… let’s go to dinner. Any of those places are good with me. Though, I also really like Manacotti’s.”

  With a nod, I step back, “Ok, Manacotti’s it is.” My hand cups her elbow as we walk into the evening light.

  “Where are you parked? Do you want to grab anything from your car?” I ask.

  She bites her lip and looks at me through her lashes as she waves to the right. “I’m over there in the employee lot. But, I can follow you…”

  Follow me? She doesn’t want to ride with me?

  “I was going to drive… You don’t want to be in the car with me?”

  Her hand tucks an escaped red tendril of hair behind her ear before she shakes her head. “No, it’s not that. I just don’t want you to have to bring me all the way back here later. It’s kind of out of the way.”

  Staring at her, I examine her face before shaking my own head. “It’s no trouble. I don’t mind… unless you have a reason not to get into my car.”

  I can see her thinking about it and I know the exact moment she decides. She looks at me and nods. “Ok, if you’re sure. Lead the way, Spradley.”

  Heading through the parking lot, I stop at my car. She gasps. “This is yours?”

  Pride fills me. “It is. This is my baby. She’s a beauty, right? Only woman I’ve loved. Well, other than momma and maw maw.” I wink. “I’d fuck this car if I could. I love it that much.”

  She laughs. “Oh my… that’s so disgusting.” Her head shakes as I open her door and she slides in. She sighs and looks up at me as the soft leather molds to her. “Ahhhh, I take it back… this is heaven.”

  With a wink, I mutter, “Back off my bitch. And heaven… you haven’t felt heaven yet…”

  Chapter Seven

  Spradley

  With traffic, it’s taking a bit to get to the restaurant. We’re talking about nothing important as I weave through the throngs of vehicles on the roads to try to get there.

  Maggie stares out the windshield as music plays from the speakers. She turns to look at me. I can see her studying my face in the relative darkness from my peripheral vision. Finally she says, “You’re not on any of the alumni groups from school and you didn’t go to the ten year reunion a couple of years ago.”

  I look at her before returning my attention to the road. “No, I’m not and no, I didn’t. Why would I? I have no desire to mingle with any of those people and anyone who is nosey or curious can follow my public pages.” Then something jumps out at me about her statement. “You know I’m not on them? Have you tried to stalk me, Maggie?”

  I hear her inhale and then she laughs nervously. “What, no way! I mean I’ve looked you up a time or two, but I did not stalk you.”

  I chuckle. “Sure. I think you tried to stalk me. Why?”

  She laughs lightly. “I did no such thing. I will admit that I’ve looked to see who’s in there once or twice and I do know that you have your show, you know. Looking up old classmates is not stalking. It’s… checking in.”

  I look over and wink. She blushes. “Whatever you have to tell yourself. But for the record, ‘checking in’ would involve making contact and communicating. If you just search for information and scroll through people’s photos, it’s stalking.”

  She chuckles again and my blood warms. Her laugh causes my dick to react. Thank God it’s dark in here.

  Good lord, I’m sporting wood from a laugh. It’s like I’m thirteen all over again.

  Oh look, a pretty girl… wood.

  Is that lace from a bra… wood.

  I just saw her white cotton panties… wood.

  Titties in the Playboy you swiped… wood.

  Actually touching a pussy… wood.

  Spradley… don’t you dare go full throttle and spunk in your pants.

  Something is wrong with me.

  Maggie leans back against the seat and sighs. “Whatever you say.” Her body angles so she’s directly facing me. It causes her scrub top to pull against her boobs and my dick gets even harder as they’re outlined.

  Stop it, loser. You’ve seen titties before! Loads of them in fact. Hell, you’ve had more titties in your hands and mouth, not to mention smashed around your dick than the average man…

  Why did Yogi Bear just pop into my head?

  Yes! Think about Yogi Bear so you stop thinking about Maggie’s titties and your dick goes back to taking a nap.

  She says, “So, you’re saying you never once looked up anyone from high school… never… not anyone at all?”

  Is she asking if I’ve searched her page?

  Should I lie?

  Nope. I’m not a liar and I’m not about to start now.

  Clucking my tongue, I say. “Maybe I have.”

  I can see her staring at me but I keep quiet. Let her guess.

  She grunts, “Really? Care to elaborate? So, it seems I’m not the only stalker. Who did you check up on?”

  Glancing at her, I hold her eyes for the second it takes to say, “You of course.”

  Her gasp is audible and I see her swallow. “You looked at my Facebook page?”

  I laugh. “Well, I looked at MySpace
first to be fair. Then it became irrelevant. But yes, I’ve seen your Facebook page.”

  She mutters, “Wow.”

  “That surprises you? I was pretty hot for you in high school, Maggie. In fact, you were the cause of many cases of blue balls without even knowing it.”

  Why the fuck did I just tell her that?

  She laughs again and quickly asks. “You’re not serious. You did not…” her hand waves toward my groin, “visit happy town because of me.”

  I snort. “I said you gave me blue balls, which would mean that my dick stayed painfully hard with no relief. Kind of hard to spank my monkey in the middle of English class, Maggie.” Her gasp hitches at the end. “But, I would yank the shit out of that fucker until he spit as soon as I got home.”

  She mutters, “Oh my God… you are not telling me that you jerked off to me… this conversation is not happening…” Her hands pick at tendrils of hair that have escaped and are around her face.

  With perfect calm, I respond. “Yes, I am. I have no idea why I am, but I am. I did jerk off to you. Often. You pranced around in that tiny cheerleading skirt or your tight pants and it created a chain reaction.”

  “Oh my God… we need to stop talking about this.”

  “Why? We’re adults. It’s out there now. Can’t take it back. Now you know that you turned me on and since I was me and you were you… I handled it.”

  She stares out of the windshield again but says, “Why didn’t you ask me out?”

  I guffaw. “Like you’d have said ‘yes’.”

  She mutters, “You’d have been surprised by what I’d have said… had you bothered to ask…”

  I stop at a red light and look over at her. She’s picking at the hem of her scrub top. “Are you saying if I’d asked you out, you, the captain of the cheerleading squad, and me, the laughing stock of the school, you’d have gone out with me?!” I’m incredulous.

  Turning, she stares right at me and nods. “Yes, I would have. I never considered you a laughing stock… just a funny, goofy, guy who I found really cute.”

  Fuck me sideways with a 2x4. Is she serious?

  She keeps going. “And now, you’ve far surpassed cute. Your various magazines are right. You’re extremely sexy and very successful. You’re still the funny guy from high school, you’ve just progressed to being way more confident… and more crass…”

  My surprise must be evident in the way my head whips around because she falters and I say, “Hold up. I’m sexy and confident and you’re into me that way… but you were into me as a dork, too? Is that what you’re telling me?”

  Her flirty chuckle has my dick rivaling the Eiffel Tower. “Well, yes. I guess that is what I’m telling you. You keep saying you were a dork. Though I don’t remember you that way. If that’s what you were, then yeah, I was into it. And I may be intrigued by the confident man you portray on air, though your lack of belief in what I’m saying is slightly offending.”

  Thankfully, my turn comes up and I’m able to pull onto the street and into the parking lot for the restaurant. Quickly making my way around, I whip into a parking spot that is not under the lights. I’ve parked so fast that she’s pushed forward in her seat and as the belt catches against her, she hits the back of the seat and turns toward me with alarm. “Holy shit… What the…”

  My seatbelt is off before she finishes the sentence and I’m leaning over the console. My hands cup the back of her neck and my mouth captures hers. Her hands clutch at my biceps as she gasps. Taking full advantage, my tongue slips past her lips and licks over her teeth before dancing with hers. At first she seems uncertain and holds back, but as my mouth slants more fully against hers and my hands weave into her thick hair, her body goes lax and she melts into me. Her lips cling to mine as her tongue thrusts and parries with my own as if we’re dueling for dominance. Tiny little moans and mewls escape her and her fingers tighten around my muscles.

  The sounds she’s eliciting are creating quite a reaction and I’m almost fearful that my dick is going to burst free of my pants. It’s standing so hard right now, it could be used to fence with.

  Groaning, I pull back and try to covertly adjust myself. Maggie’s eyes slowly open and she glances down as she catches sight of the movement. She smirks, “Seems like something is ready to play.”

  With a grunt, I manage to wriggle it to the side and relieve a tiny bit of the pressure. “Yeah, it is. One of my balls might be saying hasta la vista, but my dick is reminding me that he’s not going anywhere.” Leaning my head back, I stare at the beautiful, rumpled woman beside me in the dim light.

  I did that.

  She’s all sensuous and absolutely fuckable because of me.

  Commence Tarzan roar.

  Jesus… shut up, you moron.

  Though it’s dark and most of the car is in shadow, I can see the whites of her eyes in the dark and they are huge and seem to be glowing. Her lips also look swollen and plump. It’s not helping matters that as I watch, her tongue dips from between her lips and leaves a trail of moisture that glistens as if beckoning my gaze.

  Pressing on my screaming cock with the heel of my hand, I groan. “Stop looking at me like that, Maggie, or I’m going to try to talk you into the buttery soft backseat so we can pick this up where we just stopped… only, I’m going to want to lose the clothes…”

  Her breathing hitches and I hear her sharp inhale. “You promised me dinner.” Then, she smooths her hair with shaking hands before running them over the front of her scrub top, thus drawing my attention to her lush and heaving chest.

  “Dear lord… touching your amazing tits and making me look at them while my dick is already begging to sink into you is not the way to get dinner.” I mutter. “Have mercy.”

  She chuckles and I feel it in the tip of my cock. It pulses. Shaking her head, she reaches down between her legs for her purse. “Well, you might want to control that some. You promised me dinner and I have some things to talk to you about. While I’m not completely opposed to the possibility of getting naked and playing hide the banana, I told you there are things going on in my life and there are. I’ll tell you about them and then once you know, you can decide where this goes. But, first you need the facts. And I’m hungry.”

  What facts? Is she not single? Is she married? Dying? Bi-sexual? ‘Cause I’d be totally ok with that as long as I can join in or at least watch.

  Seriously… what is she talking about?

  Fuck… once again, Maggie Abraham is the cause of my blue balls…

  Only unlike in high school, this time she was an active participant in creating them.

  Ok Spanky… chill the fuck out so I can open this door and walk without a limp. I have two legs… not three.

  My dick ignores me and looking down at my lap, I snarl. “You’re a lot of fucking trouble. You know that?!”

  Maggie giggles and opens the door. My head swivels and I stare at her in shock. With a smirk, she cheekily says, “I’ll give you a minute. I’m going to run to the restroom anyway. Go ahead and calm yourself down. You can meet me inside in a few.”

  As the door closes behind her and I’m left in the dark interior of my car, I stare at the sway of her ass in the streetlight as she walks away and my cock twitches again. With a groan, I slap at the front of my pants. “Stop doing that, asshole. I understand that you are looking to score, and I’m even on board, but we can’t right this second. Of course Maggie’s ass and tits and face not to mention that sexy little laugh aren’t helping.” I point at my crotch. “Let’s compromise. Let’s do deflate gate right now and you can hopefully score the touchdown later tonight. Either by thinking about Maggie or being inside Maggie, but either way… you win. Deal?!”

  It takes a few minutes and some disgusting thoughts, but I’m soon making my way to the door of the restaurant where Maggie is waiting. As I open the door, she turns and smiles, “You good?”

  Chapter Eight

  Spradley

  Dinner has been surprisingly e
asy. The conversation is flowing and we’re laughing about things that we both remember from high school, though we remember them somewhat differently. The restaurant is fairly empty tonight since it’s still early, so we practically have the place to ourselves other than a few people on the other side of the room, sitting at the bar.

  We decided to split a bottle of wine. We discovered we’re both Pinot Noir fans and found a good year on the menu. Things have been light throughout the meal, but as Maggie twirls the last of her angel hair pasta around her fork and savors it, my gaze is once again drawn to her perfect lips. She enjoys food immensely and I’ve enjoyed watching her eating just as immensely.

  It’s very sexy to watch a beautiful woman actually eat food and not just push lettuce around her plate.

  As she licks her lips and wipes them with her napkin, I glance at her plate and can’t help but exclaim, “Wow, don’t take this wrong because I’m not complaining, but you must have enjoyed that.” Her eyes widen and she tightens her hand on the napkin, but before she can say anything, I keep talking. “I’m not dissing you for eating. On the contrary, I think it’s hot that you actually seem to not only want to eat food, but you enjoy it.” My gaze slowly trails over her body and I see her cheeks flush in the dim light produced by the candle on the table. “Besides, I am not seeing anything you should be worried about at all. I’ve certainly been looking, too.”

  She watches me and then sits back as she sets her hands on the table. I stare back. “So, great, you like what you see… as much as you apparently did in high school?”

  I nod while still holding her gaze. “I do. Very much.” Picking up my glass, I swirl the deep red liquid in the glass and watch her face as her eyes follow the movement of the wine before once again looking at me. “Much like this wine, you seem to have only gotten better with age. You were beautiful as a teen but the woman sitting across from me… Well, she’s seriously messing with my equilibrium.”

  She smirks and leans back in her chair. Her arms cross under her breasts and it pushes them up. “Where is this smooth talking man coming from? I listen to your show, Spradley.” A chuckle escapes her before she once again picks up her own glass and drinks the remainder of her wine. As she sets the empty glass back on the table, she says, “You talk like a drunk sailor on air, yet the eloquent speech you’re presenting isn’t that man. If you’re trying to get me into bed… the smooth talking playboy isn’t necessary. I agreed to come to dinner with Spradley ‘Spanky’ Nutts, not Don Juan.”