Nuts About You: A Testicular Cancer Anthology

by Anthology

  So, she wants to screw Spanky? The crass shock jock.

  I mean, that’s me. I’m him.

  But, I’m not quite like that in all aspects of my life.

  I’ll play along. Staring right at her, I ask, “Should we get the check and head back to my place then?”

  Her hand jerks and she jostles the glass. It tips over and the last remnants of the red wine leave tiny droplets on the white tablecloth. As she quickly reaches to right it, she says flatly. “I never said I’d get naked with you, Spradley. If that was assumed because I agreed to dinner… I’m very sorry for the miscommunication. Besides, I’ve told you on a couple of occasions now that I have things going on that should be discussed with you before we even leave this restaurant.”

  I growl. “I didn’t expect that because I buy you dinner, you’d suck my dick, Maggie. I also didn’t expect that spending sixty bucks on you would mean I’d fuck you senseless later. Did I hope it? Sure, obviously. And the thought apparently crossed your mind as well. However, it wasn’t assumed to be a given. I might be a crass mother fucker, but I can assure you that assumptions aren’t in my nature.”

  Her lips twitch and I’m confused.

  Why is she amused?

  Most respectable women would be throwing a drink in my face or leaving the imprint of their hand across my cheek after that.

  Yet, she’s smirking.

  What the fuck?

  I snap, “What’s amusing?”

  Her lips actually lift into one of the smiles I remember watching from afar. She chuckles. “You are. You just went from Marvin Gaye to Juvenile in .06 seconds.” She laughs lightly again and watches my face.

  It’s my turn to be shocked. My mouth drops open. Leaning forward, she leans her elbows on the table and continues to watch me. “Look, this is the worst possible time ever to start anything with me. Hell you, too. Two days ago you found out you have cancer in your scrotum. Your world was just flipped on its axis.

  “But back to me… the things I have going on… I’m divorced, Spradley. I was married for a total of nine months when I was twenty-one. He was a real winner. If you can think it, he did it. He was into drugs and had a problem with alcohol. I didn’t know. Until I did. And by then… it was too late. I’d already married him and he’d already cleaned me out. It was a whirlwind romance and I fell for his bullshit hook, line, and sinker. He cheated on me with anyone and everyone though he knew I wanted a baby more than anything. He agreed we’d try, only when I found out what he was really like… he’d already impregnated someone else. An eighteen year old druggie… like him.

  “I know that talking about ex’s on a date is not cool, hell, especially a first date. But there’s a reason I’m telling you this. I’ve been single for seven years now. I haven’t wanted to trust anyone again. To me, it wasn’t worth it and though I’ve been asked and have gone on one or two casual dates, the idea of putting my faith in another person to destroy me… no thank you.

  “But, I still want a baby. I want to be a parent. So, I’ve been getting things in order to do it… on my own… In fact… in three weeks, I’m supposed to head to the sperm bank and pick out a donor. I’ve decided to use a donor to get pregnant so I can have a baby and it will be mine and mine alone…”

  I audibly gasp and she pauses. I’m just staring at her in stupification.

  Maggie is single by choice and now she’s going to go to some clinic and pick a random dude off a computer who has a pretty photo and let them shoot his spunk into her with a turkey baster to get pregnant.

  Isn’t that how that works?

  That’s how it works on TV and in movies.

  Seriously?

  Maggie Abraham is going to have a baby with a strange guy by artificial insemination?!

  She’s been single for seven years? Like she hasn’t had sex with a guy in that long?!

  No fucking way.

  Before I even think about what I want to say, I’m blurting out, “What now? You’re going to have a baby with a photo by someone in a doctor’s office shooting the spunk from the dude you pick into you?”

  That made sense, right?

  She looks around quickly and looks back at me. Her face is tight. I didn’t realize I said that so loudly. Thankfully, no one seems to be paying us any attention. “Yes, that is pretty much what will happen. Look, I am not going into this lightly. I’ve researched and weighed my options. I want a baby. I’ve always wanted to be a mother.” She sounds defensive. “A lot of women do this. It’s not uncommon. And I can see that this is a lot for you to take in.

  “I told you this was a bad idea. See, you should have listened. Look, nothing has happened here, except dinner. I’ll pay for my dinner. I’ll pay for yours, too. You can just bring me back to my car and be on your way. No harm done.”

  Hey, I want to have a baby and some asshole fucked me up so I’m going to get knocked up by some stranger as a safeguard against being fucked again.

  She thinks that sounds like a good idea?

  What if the dude she picks is married? What if he’s ugly? What if he already has like fifty kids? Do they monitor that shit?

  Maggie would probably be a great mom. Hell, I never knew just how badly I wanted kids myself until I just found out that it might not happen.

  I mean… I’m not a stranger with a wife who’s already populated a baseball team. Right now, my spunk still works… I’m here… she’s here… we know each other… and this might be the only real chance I have…

  What are you fucking talking about, Spradley?

  Are you fucking out of your goddamned mind?

  You cannot be entertaining this as a rational idea.

  Oh, but I am.

  I blurt out. “I have sperm. I have loads of it and I’m healthy. You saw my medical records. You can see I’m healthy. Other than the cancer in my nuts. I don’t have any diseases and in two weeks… my sperm might not work if I have to have chemo or radiation. I might only have a few weeks to have a chance to be a father. You know me. Well, you knew me and we’re here. You agreed to have dinner with me. So, you are obviously interested. We could have a baby.

  “I know this sounds fucking batshit crazy. Hell, it is fucking insane… but why not?!

  “Think about it, Maggie… You want a baby and the idea of you having one using some number you pick from a lineup kind of has me more freaked out than it probably should. I want a kid. And with my recent diagnosis… I don’t really have a lot of time.

  “We could do this… we could have a baby. Or, we could at least try…”

  I’m fucking insane. Seriously.

  I just told Maggie Abraham, my high school crush, that we could have a baby together because she wants one and I don’t really have a lot of options in my time frame…

  Who the fuck says that to someone?

  Spanky Nutts does…

  I’m fucking INSANE…

  She’s going to call the cops.

  Maggie is staring at me with no color in her face. She looks shell-shocked. I kind of feel the same way.

  She opens her mouth, but no sound comes out. She tries again and her voice squeaks. I have to lean in to hear what she’s saying, “What is wrong with you?! Are you insane? We just reconnected and before today, we never really even talked to each other. We never had a conversation, Spradley. I mean, we did, but only about school stuff or whatever and that was so long ago…”

  She blinks. “You just asked me if I’d try to have a baby with you and this is our first date! Do you have any idea how fucking preposterous that is?!”

  Yes, yes I do. Because it’s like I’m driving the train to crazy town… naked with a monkey on my back… and a fuzzy hat.

  Of all the crazy mo fo’s I’ve ever talked to… I’m the leader of that pack. Hell… Mel Gibson in a drunken rage, Brittany Spears shaving her head with an electric razor, and Tom Cruise jumping on a couch have nothing on me…

  Hashtag… fucking nailed it! Spradley Nutts is the photo they show at
the nut house to tell your ass what not to be.

  Circle “C”, bitch!

  I nod. “Yes, I do happen to know how fucking crazy it is because until it came out of my mouth, I can tell you that I never would have thought I’d say anything like that. In fact, I’m still sitting here screaming at myself in my head and wondering if the cancer is also in my brain.” My hand reaches out and covers her shaking one on the tablecloth. She gasps and a bolt of electricity shoots up my arm. My eyes meet hers. “You feel that, right?”

  She nods. “I do… ok so we have a sexual connection or whatever… so we fuck… it doesn’t mean we try to have a baby, Spradley…”

  Tightening my hand over hers, I hold her gaze with mine. “Yes, we have something and I’ve never had it before. I’m not trying to convince you, I’m just telling you the truth. I’m not really into divine intervention or whatever, but I’m starting to think that I was in your office today for a reason, Maggie… I’m about to lose my nuts, babe. If the surgery doesn’t get it all, then I’ll need chemo or radiation… that means that even though I’ve always wanted to father my own kids, I might not be able to… and you just so happen to be wanting to have a baby on your own… you don’t think that has some fucked up relevance?!”

  Her eyes are wide and terrified but I see something come over them. She turns and nods at the server. He walks over and she softly says, “Can we have the check, please?”

  Well, you just not only crashed and burned, but you fucking exploded… disintegrated into tiny pieces before you hit the ground.

  I think I need to call the doctor tomorrow.

  I need my head checked out.

  Maggie reaches for the check when he brings it, but I swipe it and stick a hundred in the folder before standing. Maggie does the same and we head out to the Challenger without speaking.

  Colossal fucking fail.

  Chapter Nine

  Spradley

  We haven’t said a word to each other since we left Manacotti’s. Maggie is staring straight out the window while she picks at the polish on her nails and I navigate through the traffic.

  Jesus. She thinks you are deranged…

  I am the world’s stupidest man.

  I literally just propositioned a woman that I barely know to have a baby with me.

  What would I have done if she’d have said yes?!

  Well, you’d have fucked the hell out of her as much as you possibly could until the second they took your ass back to remove your nut!

  If someone had called into my show with that story… I’d have gone ape shit on them and told them they were the stupidest mother fucker who ever walked the Earth.

  Here I am… flashing blinking billboard with the red tube man that looks like a limp dick flopping all around… Stupidest man in the world.

  She’s not talking to you because she’s going to go get a restraining order as soon as you drop her off.

  I’d get one against me, too!

  It doesn’t take nearly as long to get back to the hospital as it took to get across town. It’s also almost 9PM now though.

  As I turn into the parking lot, she sighs. I speak for the first time in almost an hour. “Where are you parked?”

  She points to the same parking lot she gestured at earlier. “Third row. I’m the black Escape.”

  I see it and pull into the empty space beside it.

  Should I talk?

  Thank her for coming to dinner?

  Apologize for going insane?

  Do I just leave?

  As I put the Challenger into park, my hands tighten on the wheel. I kind of feel like I’m about to get kicked in the nuts at prom on the dance floor by the homecoming queen while the entire school watches.

  She doesn’t open the door. Instead she turns to me. Her hands tighten on her purse and then she looks at me. “Spradley… your idea… it’s fucking crazy… you know that… but… but did you mean it?”

  Did I mean what? Trying to get her pregnant?

  Trying to think back on all I said, I ask, “Did I mean what? The baby stuff?”

  Her eyes flash. “Yes, the baby stuff. What else would I be talking about?!”

  My tongue traces my teeth and I nod. “I meant it.”

  She sighs again. “Ok.”

  Ok?

  Ok, what?!

  “Ok what? What are you saying ok to? You want me to try to get you pregnant?” Even as I’m saying it, I’m thinking I’m delusional.

  She nods. “Yeah… if you’re serious. I mean, you’re right… I want a baby and this might be your only shot… besides, I like you and sex with you wouldn’t be too bothersome. But, what happens if I get pregnant?”

  What happens if she gets pregnant?

  Sex with me wouldn’t be bothersome?!

  What? I’m confused as fuck.

  “Isn’t that the point, Maggie?”

  She laughs. “Well, yeah, I guess so. But I don’t want it to be weird. Like, I was probably already going to have sex with you tonight… only now, we’re talking about well, this, and what if I get pregnant? I mean, I was going to do this on my own… only you’d be the father… so what would you expect? Like would you want joint custody or something?”

  Joint custody? Of a kid that we don’t have and that I might never have…

  I have no fucking idea.

  What would the right thing be? Do I want time with a baby by myself?!

  I mean, I like Maggie, so why couldn’t she be around?!

  “I have no idea… I never thought about any of this and I usually take precautions not to get the women I sleep with pregnant. But, since this would be like a real thing and it would be a real baby… that we made together… I would want both of us around… I mean, I’m not a turkey baster, so I’d want to be there…”

  Her face falters and she quietly says, “Be there how though? Like we’d be together? Like a couple?”

  A couple? Like me and Maggie… together. Just us. No more bimbos or floozies. Just me… and Maggie Abraham… and a baby.

  Ummmmm.

  I think I can live with that.

  Yes, I definitely need my brain checked. I’m calling tomorrow.

  “Maybe. But hey, maybe I’ll die. I do have cancer, you know.”

  She smirks and hits my arm. “Um yeah, I know. You aren’t going to die. You’re too stubborn. The devil doesn’t want you.”

  “Do you?”

  I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t even know why I said that.

  Because you’re the stupidest and probably the craziest mother fucker on the planet, that’s why!

  You had feelings for Maggie a lifetime ago and haven’t seen her since… except on her Facebook page…

  Those feelings aren’t still there, right?

  That’s not really possible… Is it?

  She shivers and snaps me out of my psychology session with myself. “I think I want to try. Try for a baby and also try… with you…” She laughs lightly. “Hell, I thought you were the crazy one. But I’m just as crazy… I’m on board with this shit...”

  Looking over at her, I smile and crank my arm. “Choo Choo. All aboard the crazy train.”

  She laughs and says, “Ok, so are we doing this then? Your place or mine?”

  Maggie Abraham is about to come home with me. Or I’m going to go home with her… either way, the sex train is about to chug all night.

  Time to try to make a tricycle engine!

  “Either one works. I live near Parkview, about fifteen minutes from here. I have a house.”

  She laughs. “Ok, that’ll work if that’s ok with you. I live in a townhouse and my roommate might be a little shocked if I show up with you. I can follow you if you’re cool with that.”

  She has a roommate?!

  “Boy or girl?” I ask before I even realize I’m thinking it.

  Her eyes twinkle as she smirks. “Female. Lesbian and the best damn phlebotomist at the hospital.”

  A sigh escapes me. “A lesbian roomm
ate? Interesting. Want to have a sleepover?”

  Her eyes roll. “Shut up, you’re such a damn man! We’ve never done anything. She’s like my sister. What is with guys and the fantasy of two women?”

  I waggle my brows and mutter, “Four titties, two pussies, and usually the girls doing naughty things to each other… What’s not to like?”

  Leaning over the console, she presses her chest to my arm and lines her mouth up with mine. My cock jerks as she breathes deeply and allows her moist breath to brush over my lips before she whispers, “Sorry, this pussy is going to have to be enough for you tonight. One pussy, two titties, two hands, and one mouth.” She licks my lips and my dick becomes one of the Queen’s Guards, standing straight at attention. Her teeth nip my lower lip and she leans back with a sexy smile. “Guess we’d better get going.”

  Growling, I lean over her and open the door. “Get out and drive or else, our first attempt at making a baby is going to be right here… You have me raging, Maggie.”

  Sliding out, she makes it a point to rub her chest against my forearm. As she stands, she leans back in. “This is a fast car… let’s make the drive ten minutes. My pussy is so wet.”

  She shuts the door and slides into her Escape before starting it and waving at me to go ahead. Backing out, I pull forward and wait for her to follow. She does and with my foot to the gas pedal, we make it to my house in eight minutes and forty seconds.

  I pull into the driveway and Maggie pulls in right behind me.

  As I get out and toss my keys from hand to hand, she opens her door and steps onto the driveway. She looks over my house and I try to imagine what she’s seeing. It’s a two story with a porch and a couple of columns. My front door is dark mahogany. It’s southern style and the window and door trim are white with the railings on the porch being cypress. It’s big without being massive. About 2900sq feet. Too big for just me really, but I always figured I’d have a family at some point and I got it for a steal. I pay a landscaper and I also have a housekeeper come in a couple of times a week to keep things tidy and prevent dust from collecting on all of the furniture and rooms I never use.