by Anthology
“I like you too.” I told her, my voice hoarse with emotion. Fuck, what was wrong with me? This woman was turning me on my head. It was like she’d somehow cracked me open and was seeing the soft centre. She was getting a glimpse of the real me and, the scary thing was, I wanted her to see the real me even if she didn’t end up liking what she saw.
“Come on then. Let’s see what your domestic skills are like. There is nothing sexier than a man who knows how to do housework.” She winked at me and, laughing, I helped her clear the table.
Between the two of us I rinsed the dishes and she loaded them into the dishwasher, and once the kitchen was spotless we decided confession time required something stronger than coffee so Autumn opened a bottle of wine she had in the fridge.
I wasn’t much of a drinker, and certainly not a wine drinker, but I was counting on it to help me relax. It had been a bit over five years since Adam took his own life and five years that I’d been plagued with guilt. I knew I would always blame myself for his death, the question was: would Autumn blame me too?
We chose our seats; Autumn on a large single lounge chair that looked old but comfortable, and I settled for a spot on a two seater sofa opposite her. It didn’t match any of the other furniture but then nothing did. It was an eclectic mix of colours and styles.
By choosing to sit opposite one another, it was going to put us in a position where we could see each other’s expression. A position that I knew would make me feel very exposed and vulnerable.
I wasn’t normally one for opening up to anyone this early into a relationship. I never had been really but this was different. She was different; and we’d kind of taken it beyond what one might call the normal lines of a relationship by having sex and sharing a bed before we knew anything about each other. Of course that didn’t make us unique but it wasn’t like me to do that. Any women I fucked and fucked only knew, before we fell into bed together, that that was all we were going to be. I hadn’t done that with Autumn. I’d probably given her the impression that we could be more. Letting her help me, having her take care of me while I was in a lot of pain and her staying with me to make sure I was alright; then that leading to sex should never have turned into me treating her like shit and ordering her from my home. Clearly the fact that I was in her home now, feeling over full from eating too much at dinner, proved that she was far more of a forgiving person than I deserved.
Chapter Twelve
“So, are we just going to sit here all night staring at one another or talk?” She asked.
I let out the breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding. “Fine; I’ll tell you now though, I’ve been shut off from everything and everyone for several years and…and the thought of revealing myself to you, to anyone really, scares the shit out of me.”
“You think I can’t see that in you?” She asked. “We’ll start off simple, ok?”
“So who goes first?”
Autumn smiled. “Well I know you’re the guest in my home but I don’t care. My home, my rules; me first.” She brought a finger up to her lips and stared at me, eyes narrowed. “How old are you?”
I relaxed slightly at her question. “I’m 29 years old. My birthday is October 27th and I’m a Scorpio.” I added the rest for the hell of it. “How old are you?”
“I’m 25. My birthday is December 2nd and I’m a Sagittarian.” The way she rattled off the information nearly made me laugh. She sounded like she was introducing herself on one of those reality TV dating shows.
“Do you work?” Autumn fired the next question at me. “Or are you a man of leisure?”
“That’s two questions.” I pointed out and she poked her tongue out at me in response, making me chuckle. “I used to work all the time. That was one of the reasons I moved to Tasmania. To live a more relaxed lifestyle. I was an investment banker.” I watched Autumn’s eyebrows disappear into the hair that hung over her forehead when I said that. “When I need money I make some. I spent years making others very wealthy. It paid well for me but now I use that skill to make myself money and so I can continue funding the charities I donate to.”
“Damn Theo, now you’re making yourself sound like one of the good guys instead of the asshole.” She slapped her hands down on the arms of her chair in an exaggerated display of exasperation. “You donate to charity? You’re not supposed to be nice you know. Kind of blows the whole asshole image.” She shot me a grin to soften her words. “Ok, so when you need money how exactly do you make it? Are we talking bank robbery, ram raid or perhaps a simple mugging?” Again I saw those perfect teeth of hers when she smiled.
“Pick pocketing.” I deadpanned. “Who knew it could be so lucrative?” She rolled her eyes at me and I found myself grinning again. This woman made me smile far more than I had in a very long time. “Ok, in all seriousness, I play the stock market. I’ve always been pretty good at it and that’s what I do for a living now. Well, when I say living; when I need money I buy and sell shares. I have a pretty good feel for what shares are likely to increase in value and also knowing when to sell. It keeps me off the streets. It pays my bills and it covers my monthly donations to the charities I support.”
“So you’re not just a pretty face then? Ok, your turn.”
“Well, since we’re on careers; what do you do? Or does chasing wayward animals take up all your time?”
Autumn gave me one of her sickly sweet smiles. “Oh, we are a funny man aren’t we? Have you considered a career as a stand-up comedian?” She took a sip of her wine before answering me. “Clearly I love animals so of course I work with them. I’m a pet groomer. I’ll wash ‘em, clip ‘em, trim ‘em, cut their nails and I’ll even walk ‘em. You name it, I’ll do it.”
“Interesting.” I linked my fingers together, bringing them up to my face and running them back and forth along my lips as I stared at her. “So you can do all that for animals but you can’t keep your ones on your property?” I looked around the room. “Where’s the great drooling beast gone or is he currently on his way back to my place as I speak?”
“Fuck you.” The words were said quietly and for a moment I thought I’d taken it too far and upset her, but I could see the hint of a smile on her lips. “If you must know, he’s on his bed on the verandah. Would you like me to call him in so he can come and sit on you? Tiny seems to have a soft spot for you.”
I shuddered at the thought. “No thank you. I’d be scared of drowning. That dog has a bit of a drool thing happening. Have you noticed?”
“He can’t help that. It’s just typical of his breed. He’s a Bloodhound, drooling comes with the territory. He’s a rescue. If you knew what that dog had suffered through in his past you would not be mean about him now.”
“I’m sorry…ok?” The last thing I wanted was to upset her over her dog. “So, do you have another question for me or do you know all you want to know?” I asked, knowing full well that we weren’t done. We were far from done.
For the next hour we went back and forth on the simple questions, the tame ones about favourite foods, colours, favourite movies, music, all the things that weren’t threatening or too personal, until finally Autumn asked the question I’d been dreading - or one of them at least. “So, do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“A younger brother.” I replied, my voice so low I wondered if she might not hear me.
She was silent for a moment. “You’re not close?”
I felt tears prick the backs of my eyes and I blinked rapidly in an attempt to keep them at bay. “Yeah, we were very close. He was…he was my best friend.”
“Was?” I saw the dawning shock followed by sadness on her face. “Oh god Theo. Are you saying he’s no longer…that he’s…gone?” She finally got the words out and I closed my eyes, unable to stop the tears any longer. I felt them squeeze out beneath my eyelids and begin to track their way slowly down my cheeks.
“Suicide.” I choked on the one word but it was enough for Autumn to freeze, horror widening her eyes.
“I don’t believe it. We’ve both lost people we love to suicide. My dad was my…everything. Mum died from cancer when I was pretty young. I only vaguely remember her. Dad raised me and he was the best. He was the one I could always count on. You know what I mean? Nothing was ever a problem for him. He did everything he could to help me become what I wanted to be. I’d always seen him as my rock, as the unflappable one. I thought he’d always be there, until one day, he wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry Autumn.” I brought a hand up and smoothed her hair away from her face, staring down at her beautiful profile as she lay with her head in my lap. “Do you know why? Did you ever find out what happened? Did he leave a note or anything to explain why he did what he did and left you? You said it happened five years ago. You would have been twenty. That’s young to be suddenly alone in this world.”
She turned her head on my thighs, staring up at me, and I’m sure my heart actually physically ached for her when I saw the pain and devastation in her eyes.
“It feels like the ultimate betrayal Theo. Right to the very end he just wanted to protect me and care for me, and in the process he took away my right, my chance to protect and care for him. I’ve been so angry at him for doing this to me. Then I feel bad for being mad and the guilt takes over, and then I end up feeling sad and…” She trailed off, swiping at the tears on her cheeks. “It’s like this never ending cycle of anger, betrayal, pain, guilt, hurt and sadness, unbelievable sadness.”
I gently brushed a hand over her hair again, trying to offer her some small level of comfort at least. It wasn’t easy for me though. I’d been so switched off since Adam’s death. I couldn’t make myself feel better so I didn’t know how to help her either but I kept my hand moving, softly touching her, hoping that she at least felt like she wasn’t alone.
“Why do I get the feeling there’s more to this story?” I asked.
Again her stunning eyes met mine. “Because there is. What my father failed to tell me was that he was sick. It was a brain tumour, inoperable apparently. I had no idea. He’d covered how much pain he was in with his headaches for months it seems. He sent me away; wanted me to have the big adventure with my friends, to work my way around Australia, and so I did.” She smiled the kind of smile that lit up her eyes as well. “We had a blast picking fruit, waiting tables, anything that paid enough for us to eat and live in hostels or even caravan parks sometimes. We had the classic old bomb that mostly made it everywhere. None of us wanted to backpack. We’d all seen the Wolf Creek movie and figured there might really be a Mick Taylor out there somewhere.” The smile faded and her expression turned serious again.
“I was gone a little over six months and when I came back I could see dad had lost some weight but he said he was fine. He’d been dieting, that was his excuse.” Autumn’s eyes closed briefly before she opened them again and I could see the sadness that dulled them. “I’d only been back a week and I came home late one night after being out with friends.” She made some sound almost as if she were choking. “I should have known. I should have seen something was wrong. He was quieter, sleeping more. He wasn’t eating as well as he used to.” A shuddering sigh made it past her lips and I felt her breath lightly touch my face as I stared down at her, my heart feeling like it was being squeezed hard inside my chest. I knew what was coming. I knew what she was going to say because I’d been there too and felt exactly as she felt.
“I got home late one night. The house was in darkness but…but I could hear his car running. God, I still see his face so clearly. The garage doors were shut. The smell of the exhaust…it was everywhere. He’d blocked off the gaps under the door that led into the house but it still got in. Everything smelt of it.” More tears began to track their way down her cheeks, running into the hair near her ears.
“He’d been dead for a few hours. He must have done it as soon as I left. I don’t know why he did it; why he did it like that. I was so shocked and couldn’t understand it. I never in a million years thought he’d do something like that. God it was awful. The police were involved, the coroner. I had to contact family and tell them, and organise his funeral. I was young, sure, but old enough to work and pay bills, to drive and…and…fuck I wasn’t old enough to cope with that though. There was an autopsy. Why I didn’t know. He’d gassed himself on the exhaust of his fucking car. It was pretty obvious. When it came out about the tumour you could have blown me over with a feather. I’d had no idea.” She sobbed, the sound broken and raw.
“I should have known. I should…have…fucking…known. Why didn’t I see it? No, fuck it, I did see it; I just chose to ignore it. I didn’t push him to open up to me. To talk, to drag him to a doctor when I knew - you know, that’s the worst: I fucking knew something wasn’t right and I ignored it. I let him suffer alone and the stupid damn fool tried to hide it all from me, until he decided to take his own fucking life and leave me without him. He took away my right to protect him, to take care of him. He cheated us out of whatever time we could have had left. If he’d told me I’d have been less selfish and focused on my shit. I’d have made more time for him and lived whatever time we had left doing stuff together.”
I was silent for a while, reeling from how similar our stories were. “Perhaps that’s why he didn’t tell you. He didn’t want you to stop living your life while you watched his life slowly and painfully ending. Maybe he didn’t want to suffer the way he was going to suffer once that tumour got really big.” I said, trying to let her see that she couldn’t blame herself for his death.
If the situation wasn’t so serious, I’d have laughed out loud. Wasn’t I trying to convince Autumn that she couldn’t blame herself and feel guilty when I was doing exactly the same thing myself over Adam?
“You know it’s hard to keep calling you an asshole when you’re being nice like this.” Autumn gave me a hint of a smile through her tears. “You’re ruining the whole image I had for you.”
I returned her smile. “Yeah? Well, don’t worry; maybe my story will be enough for you to crown me King of the Assholes yet.”
“Somehow I doubt that but give it your best shot.” She shifted position, her head rubbing against my groin, and I silently gave my cock a stern talking to. I couldn’t possibly get a boner now after such a serious and heartbreaking story from Autumn. It would be the ultimate in bad taste and crappy timing if she felt me getting hard under her head. It was almost annoying how trigger happy I was around this woman. I’d gone from not really thinking about sex too much and my cock being on hiatus, to him all mad keen and eager to stick his head up and make her aware of his presence. Most times when his presence was neither required nor desired.
“Tell me about your accident first; then I want to know all about your brother.”
I tipped the wine glass up to my lips, needing the distraction while I considered how I was going to tell her about a time in my life that still wakes me in a cold sweat sometimes, shaking with fear and pain.
Chapter Thirteen
“It happened a little over six years ago. I’d travelled out of town for business. Shit, I never had to go out of town for work but this was different; a special client. The weather had been crap for several days. The roads were wet, slippery. It was dark and raining so hard. I remember the sound of the windscreen wipers going flat out to try and keep up. I kept getting blinded by headlights of oncoming traffic. You know how it is when they hit the screen and it goes white?” I looked down at her.
I felt slim fingers curl around one of my hands and, although the last traces of her tears dampened her eyes and lashes, she was giving me a tiny smile of encouragement. “Go on.”
“It was a winding section of highway. There were two lanes of traffic going each way. It was late and that time of night every second vehicle on the road is a truck.” I
paused, taking a deep breath. “A truck came up beside me. It was loaded with large concrete pipes. It was going too fast, I could tell. I didn’t want to be alongside of it but there was nowhere else to go. But then…then we rounded a corner. It wasn’t that sharp of a corner but in the wet and a truck that size? He took it too fast.” Again I paused, the sound of the truck’s brakes and the screeching of the tyres as they frantically tried to get a grip on the road playing over in my head.
“He clipped me and kind of bounced back off but next thing I was deafened by the horrendous noise of metal scraping on metal. You know that sound is worse than nails scraping down a chalkboard?” I told her, trying to sound casual when I was anything but. I was shaking so violently there was no doubt in my mind that Autumn would feel it too.
“If he’d only hit me it might not have ended the way it did but the lurching of a truck that size caused his load to come loose. We found out later it wasn’t secured properly, not that it could change the outcome by then anyway. I remember hearing loud sounds like gunshots or something. Turns out it was the snapping of the chains that held his load. He took out my car and nearly killed a family in the car behind him too. I was looked upon as the miracle. My whole car was totalled, crushed except for where I sat. It was damaged but not enough to kill me. It made one hell of a mess of my car though and I was pinned. It took hours to cut me free. I nearly died several times from blood loss. I sustained a couple of broken ribs, a puncture wound to my stomach, but my leg took the worst of it. It was shattered. So badly the doctors weren’t sure they could save it. With the blood loss and the pressure where the car had pinned my leg, they thought the tissue damage and restriction to my blood flow might result in it being amputated.” I looked down at Autumn, seeing so much emotion in her eyes.