by Anthology
With a squeeze of my hand August starts forward again. I don’t want to do this but with August by my side I can.
****
I tip the shot glass again, draining it in one before motioning to the barman for a refill. I know it’s not the healthiest way to deal with my grief but I can’t think of a better way tonight. I can feel August’s stare burning into the side of my head but he doesn’t say a word as I down another tequila. Warmth spreads through my body as my thoughts become slightly more blurred. This is what I was looking for, the numbness that only alcohol can bring. Even with my drunken haze and August sitting quietly to my side, I can feel the burning desire inside him to speak. “Out with it.” I don’t look at him as I speak, instead I focus on the bottle of beer on the bar in front of me.
“I was just wondering what you're going to do now. I don’t want to leave you here alone.”
I don’t want to think about August leaving because I don’t know what I will do without him. I haven’t seen much of August the last few years, actually now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him since I got together with Ray. When the relationship started we kind of drifted apart. We still speak on the phone regularly but it’s not the same as seeing each other and spending time together. Now the thought of going back to not seeing August is scaring me. As selfish as it is, with my life going to shit I need my best friend to make me feel better. “I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. When do you have to leave?”
“I could only get a few days. Work is crazy right now and I have to get back.”
It’s the same reason he always gives me for not being able to visit and for the first time, it pisses me off. I know he lives a good few hours drive away, but I'm sure that he could get a day off here and there. “Yeah, I'm sure that they won’t be able to cope without you.” The words come out more sarcastic than I’d intended and they are met with silence. I risk a look in August’s direction and I wish I hadn’t. The pain in his eyes makes me instantly feel like shit.
I've already lost the man I love and I shouldn’t be pushing away the only other person in this world I care about. It’s not August’s fault that I have no fucking idea what to do next. “I'm sorry, I'm taking this out on you and I have no right to. I have no idea what I'm going to do and I'm trying not to think about how fucked up everything is. I can’t afford the house anymore because Ray’s life insurance didn’t cover the mortgage for more than a few months, and when that runs out I'm going to be homeless.”
I'm met with silence again and it’s starting to grate on me a little. I don’t expect August to magically have all the answers but any advice would be better than silence. I tap the bar in front of me to get the barman’s attention. I know I'm coming across as a dickhead to him, but in the grand scheme of things it’s the least of my worries. I watch as my shot glass is refilled, thinking I should probably thank the guy but still I don’t. I pick it up and just as I empty it into my mouth August speaks, causing the tequila to get stuck in my throat.
After a coughing fit that feels like it takes an hour to get under control, I turn to August with tear filled eyes. “What did you say?”
He plays with his beer bottle before finally looking up at me. “I said move in with me.”
Chapter One
Present Day
August
I smile as I hear Tristen walk in through the front door. I'm sitting on the couch waiting on him to get home and the smell of pizza is making my stomach rumble. He texted me earlier to say that he was running late but I’d already ordered the pizza, so I've spent the last twenty minutes watching the clock and trying not to eat the bloody thing by myself.
“I swear I hate that fucking job, I want to burn the place to the ground.” Tristen drops his body heavily onto the couch next to mine, causing me to bounce slightly in my seat.
“I wish you would stop with all this gratitude for the job I got you. All this gushing is embarrassing me.”
He turns his head where it’s lying back on the couch and without even blinking, raises his hand and gives me the finger. I burst out laughing before leaning forward and finally taking a slice of the cooling pizza. I take a huge bite and the flavour explodes on my tongue making me groan. It’s not as hot as I would like and the cheese has solidified a little but after a full day at work it still tastes amazing.
I relax back onto the couch with my slice and watch as Tristen grabs one of his own. I can’t help but smile when he struggles to remove his piece without all the toppings falling off. He’s such a messy eater and ruins more shirts than anyone else I know. He's actually had to start wearing my shirts because he’s running low on work shirts of his own and they haven’t faired very well either. I would say it annoys me when he ruins mine, but if I'm honest with myself I'm just happy to see him wearing my clothes. There’s something very sexy about another guy wearing your stuff and, even though we aren’t in a romantic relationship, I like to see him in my clothes.
He moved here with me the day after Ray’s funeral, and I thought it would be a temporary thing but he hasn’t mentioned leaving. I didn’t think he would have remembered my offer to him but he woke bright and early the next morning, even before I woke up, and was packing before I had my first coffee. By lunchtime he had packed up nearly everything he wanted to take with us and had a van delivered to the house so we could load it. By dinnertime we were on the road for the six-hour drive back to mine with everything he owned in the back. I didn’t even have my spare room ready for him to move into, it was still full of boxes from when I moved in, but he didn’t care, he just slept in my bed for three nights until we were organised. I was tempted to tell him to just stay in my room but I knew it would be a weird thing to offer no matter how much I would have personally liked it.
That was fourteen months ago and I’ve been living on cloud nine ever since. It took him a few months to start acting like himself again, his grief became almost too much at one point and I was really worried about him. But he worked through it and when he came out the other side he was stronger than I’ve ever seen him. That’s when I got him a job at the computer tech company where I work and he’s been there for just under a year now. I actually thought he would be located in my office but he showed a natural ability for numbers so they moved him to the accounting office across town. As much as I would have liked to be able to have lunch with him, I can’t complain about it since we get to spend every single night together.
“I can’t believe you are gonna be thirty in a few weeks.”
My comment makes the slice of pizza freeze on its way to Tristen’s mouth and his head turns slowly towards me. He glares and I struggle to hold in my laugh. He's been trying to ignore the fact that he’s turning the big three-zero but I refuse to let him. Its maybe not what a good friend would do but he’s almost a year older than me so I need to take the piss out off him for it. I mean, he’s turning thirty. His life is nearly over.
“Shut the fuck up.”
I put on my best shocked face and play as innocent as I can. “Such language. I would think you would have a better vocabulary at your advanced age.”
“I will shove this pizza up your nose, August.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to hold in the laughter. He is far too easy to wind up and I get such pleasure from it. “And the violence, do you think it’s the menopause?”
He moves quicker than I would have expected and before I have a chance to move I'm on my back with Tristen straddling my body, his slice of pizza still in his hand. I try to fend him off but I'm laughing so hard that I can’t find the strength to push him off me. The second the pizza hits my face I know that there’s going to be a lot of cleaning up to do because there’s no way he's getting away with this shit. I close my eyes as the tomato sauce starts to smear over my face and reach my hands out blindly, hoping to grab something that will help me win this fight. I manage to get a hold of the front of his shirt and when I do, I hold tight and roll us both until the couch vanishes from b
elow us. We are airborne for a few seconds before we land with a thump, me on top of Tristen, on the floor in between the coffee table and sofa. Tristen grunts at the impact and drops the pizza somewhere on the floor.
I open my eyes and blink several times to get the sauce out of them and look down to make sure I haven’t hurt him. He isn’t injured, in fact he’s still glaring at me and it’s all the proof I need to know he's fine. I grab his wrists as he tries to push me off but thanks to my larger size I easily pin his arms to the floor. I drag his hands across the carpet until I can lean my knees on them, leaving my hands free for my payback. “Oh, would you look at that. I do think I have the upper hand now. Hmmm, I wonder how I can repay you for the tomato sauce facial you gave me?”
His glare softens, making him look like he isn’t thinking of all the different ways he wants to hurt me. “August, bro, mate. You know I was only messing around. Let’s forget all this and watch a movie.” He shakes his head as he speaks, causing his thick blonde hair to fall over his forehead. I was always jealous of his hair when we were growing up. My dark seemed so boring next to his lighter, naturally highlighted style, so much so that there was a hair dying accident that resulted in me having orange hair for about a week.
“Let me up, this is silly.”
Oh, he would just love it if I let him up and forgot the whole thing. He’s always quick to start these things but as soon as he starts to lose he tries to talk his way out of it. When we were younger he was always taller than me and he used that to his advantage. That was until puberty hit, affecting both of us differently. At the age of fourteen Tristen starting to grow and it happened quickly until he hit his full height of five foot eleven. He towered over my small stance and it was eight months of pure hell with Tristen continuously patting me on the head and calling me shorty. Thankfully Karma helped me get my own back and within four months I was towering over his short arse and I couldn’t be happier. I also bulked up more than he did, my muscles becoming toned and strong without ever visiting a gym. This is why he relies on surprise attacks. His speed is better than mine but I can usually get the better of him quickly with my strength, and as I stare down at my captive he knows that I'm going to win this one as well.
I turn to see if any of the pizza is within arms reach but we must have knocked the box when we left the sofa because it’s over on the other side of the table. I take a second to think about how to exact my revenge as Tristen wriggles in my hold, trying to escape.
“Come on, August. This is stupid. We’re grown men and I'm sure a food fight doesn’t class as an adult activity.”
“Some of us are older than others.”
The look he gives me tells me that if I didn’t have him pinned he would be attacking me again. “Screw you, August.”
I smile at him and I see the moment worry takes over his anger. I think someone needs to learn a lesson here. He really needs to learn that he shouldn’t start anything he can’t finish.
“Why are you smiling like that? What are you going to do?”
I just keep smiling as I lower my head towards his. He works out quickly what I'm about to do and his struggling increases, almost knocking me from his body. I tighten my legs against his hips and put my hands down on the side of his head just in time to catch myself before I end up lying next to him on the carpet. The move puts my face just above his and I close the last few inches of distance, rubbing my face over his and sharing the tomato facial he just gave me. As sadistic as it sounds, his shriek fills my heart with so much joy that I can’t help but laugh at his discomfort.
My laughter continues until he turns his head suddenly and his lips brush over mine. The act is completely innocent but it doesn’t stop my stomach from tumbling and my heart racing. I freeze my movements and stare at Tristen whilst trying to keep my face as neutral as possible. I can’t let him see how this is making me feel and that means I need to get off him quickly. Just that brief touch of Tristen’s lips has my body going crazy and my dick getting hard without permission. I release Tristen’s arms and move off him as fast I can, hoping that he won’t notice what’s going on in my trousers.
I get to my feet and offer Tristen a hand which he takes without hesitation. I pull him up and he stands easily. He's smiling by the time he's fully upright and I grin smugly at the mess I've managed to make of his face.
“One of these days you're not gonna be able to use your ape size to win. I will get the better of you.”
“You keep believing that. But this winner is going to grab a shower, then we maybe can eat the pizza instead of wearing it.” I pat him on the shoulder as I leave the room, using this as the perfect excuse to leave and get myself under control. I walk straight to my ensuite shower and strip off my clothes, stepping under the shower before it even has a chance to warm.
Moments like that keep catching me out and I wish that I didn’t react this way with Tristen. I didn’t realise that living with him would heighten my already strong attraction. I convinced myself that I knew him as much as I could, but spending this time with him has shown me the kind of man he's actually grown into, and I'm finding him harder to resist than the teenage Tristen I fell in love with. Yeah, falling for your best friend isn’t the healthiest thing, but that's the truth of my life. The minute I met him I knew that I wanted him in my life forever, and even though we were only six-year-old boys, I planned on making that happen.
What I didn’t know at the time is that I would fall so madly in love with him that it would actually hurt to see him with someone else. I know Tristen always wondered why I never visited when he moved in with Ray and that's why. Watching him fall head over heels in love with Ray broke my heart and I couldn’t force myself to act happy for him. It was easier on the phone to fake my excitement, and after many phone calls I actually got drunk to forget the joy he had found with Ray. I never wanted him to lose Ray the way he did, and I had resigned myself to never telling him how I really feel, but I can’t deny that I have loved getting to know this new Tristen.
He’s still the fun loving guy that I remember from our childhood, but there’s more depth to him now. He’s driven at work and already dedicated to the career he has only just recently discovered. I didn’t know that I found ambition so sexy but on Tristen it is. He lights up when he talks about his day and you can see his love for it even when he's complaining about it.
Then there is his compassion, he’s kind and treats everyone with respect and care. God he really is the perfect man. He's always been the sexiest man I've known, even in high school when I fell for him, but he’s grown into a man that no one will ever be able to compare to. This makes it really difficult when I think about the fact that he will probably never see me as anything other than his best friend. I keep telling myself that I need to come clean and explain to him how I felt. Tell him that I'm in love with him and I think I always have been but I'm just not brave enough. I don’t want to change or even potentially ruin our relationship and that confession would do just that.
I grab the shampoo and concentrate on washing the sauce out of my hair. I need to make a decision about Tristen and stick to it. I need to grow a pair, and consequences be damned, tell him how I feel, or I need to move on and try to find someone I could be happy with. This limbo is driving me insane and I don't think I can live like this for much longer. Now if I could just decide what the fuck I'm going to do that would be great.
****
I'm lying in my bed watching a movie on Netflix when I hear a quiet knock on the door. “Come in.”
Tristen pokes his head around the edge of my door, smiling as he speaks. “You want some company?”
I mute the TV and sit up a bit, leaning back against my headboard. “Always.”
As soon as he enters the room I wish I’d pretended I was asleep. Tristen closes the door behind him and makes his way to what I class as his side of the bed. He’s always taken the left hand side whenever we’ve shared so I’ve always automatically slept on the right, even
when he isn’t in bed with me. I try not to stare at him as he moves but it’s really bloody hard not to when he is only wearing a pair of jogging bottoms. His hair is still damp from the shower he must have just had and his chest is shiny making me wonder if he just applied lotion. I want to run my hands all over his body to see how soft his skin really is.
Fuck me, I need to stop thinking of him like that. Just remember, best friend. I distract myself by taking a drink from the bottle of water next to my bed. This isn’t the first time that Tristen has walked about half naked, and if I didn’t know better I would say he was trying to kill me by making me crave his sexy body more.
He slips in below the sheet and I can smell his aftershave instantly. I nearly sprint from my room to escape the temptation but instead I turn off the bedside light, leaving us with only the movie illuminating the room. It might make things a little more intimate but in my head it provides a layer of darkness to cover anything that might … arise.
“What are you watching?”
It takes me a moment to remember because the blood in my body is rushing away from my brain but when I do I cringe because he's going to laugh at me. “Beastly.”
I can feel his stare but I refuse to look at him. He can just as easily talk shit about me if I don’t make eye contact. “I might be getting close to menopause but you are letting your teenage girl hormones show. Beastly isn’t a film a man should be watching.”
“Like you’re The Proposal DVD hasn’t been played so often that it needs replacing.” I turn to look at him, our faces closer than should be comfortable.