by Tina Martin
And now, I want a divorce...
RAIN PELTS THE roof harder now and I can’t sleep. These thoughts are all running through my head and the thought of giving up on my marriage has knots multiplying in my stomach. Andre is the ideal husband and he’s been good to me. Therein lies the problem – I haven’t been good to him.
I complain a lot. I complain nonstop when we’re together. After all, that is my true personality. However, when we married and moved in together, I tried to force myself to be the woman he expected me to be. The woman who met her prince, moved into his castle and raised his children. The woman who ran to the front door to meet her handsome, hazel-eyed husband when he was home from his successful company.
Instead, I was the woman who questioned why this hazel-eyed millionaire wanted a woman who was dying. It’s a very unsettling feeling to know that the man I’m with deserves someone better than me. That’s the part I couldn’t live with. I know Andre could do better than me, so why did he settle?
Chapter 4
Andre
. ~ .
ANDRE SAT OUT by the pool with a cocktail. Ava was on his mind again. She was always on his mind. When he met her, he wasn’t aware that she’d come with so much baggage. Along with that pretty smile of hers came a plethora of self-esteem issues that were directly related to her health. The night of their fight, she told him outright that he needed to be with someone who wasn’t sick, someone who he could invest time in and it wasn’t wasteful.
Andre tossed the rest of his drink back and scratched his head. He wasn’t a quitter. He’d never been a quitter. A few years ago, Rockwell Computer Components acquired a company with shady business dealings. Once he found out about it, instead of pulling the plug on deal and leaving the company and its employees in a bad way, he stayed the course, worked through and resolved the issues. He came out successful in the end.
That’s what he wanted to do with Ava. He wanted to come out successful, but she wasn’t a business. Businesses didn’t have hearts, blood and emotions. Ava did. If there was only a way he could cram it in her head that he was there for the long haul, no matter what happened with her health...
Being a reasonable man, he understood how she felt. He didn’t want to hear it every five minutes, but he knew why she was concerned. Still, that didn’t do anything to ease the worry and emptiness he felt at this very moment, sitting at his mansion alone. Had his house ever felt so empty?
He walked by the pool, heading straight for the deck that led to the kitchen. Taking a Perrier from the fridge, he sauntered to the family room, saw some of Andrew’s toys scattered about on the floor and smiled. The family room, though fancy with opalescent ceilings, French doors, a fireplace, imported wallpaper, top-of-the-line furniture and huge bay windows had become Andrew’s play area, filled with LeapFrog interactive toys, including a little LeapPad, activity table, a scooter, a Fisher Price train set, dump truck and a bin of other toys.
Andre missed seeing his boy, hugging him, giving him nightly baths and reading to him. Normally, he would’ve called Ava by now, so she’d hold the phone next to Andrew’s ear while Andre said goodnight to him. Tonight, he hadn’t called. He wanted to see if Ava cared enough to call him instead. However, that phone call hadn’t come.
Taking his cell phone from his pocket, he kicked his legs up on the glass table, crossing his feet at the ankles and dialed her number. Then he waited...and waited...and...
“Pick up the phone, Ava,” he hissed, feeling his chest tighten.
He frowned when he thought she might ignore his call. It gave him flashbacks of when he’d first fallen in love with her and she did that very thing – ignore his calls. He couldn’t take that again. The misery of waiting was torture on his mind and he would not fall prey to her games – not this time. Just as he was about to hang up, he heard a faint hello.
“Ava?” he said, throaty. She sounded weak, and he wondered if she was okay.
“Yes?”
Instead of inquiring about her health, because he knew that was a thorn in her flesh, he said “I know Andrew is probably sleeping...hope you gave him a hug and kiss for me.”
Silence. Ava hadn’t responded back. Andre checked his phone to make sure he hadn’t lost the connection on his end and when he confirmed he hadn’t, he said, “Hello?”
“Yes?” Ava replied again.
“Are you feeling okay?” He asked the question before he knew the words had left his mouth. That’s what a concerned husband would do, but he was being punished for it.
“I don’t need you to worry about how I’m feeling, Andre.”
Andre sighed heavily and rubbed his hand across his mustache in distress. “I just asked if you were okay, Ava.”
“And I’m telling you not to.”
“So you think that just because you packed a couple of suitcases and left me, I have no right to inquire about your well-being?”
“I don’t want you to worry about me,” Ava said in a broken, shaky voice.
Andre heard her cry and whimper and it broke his heart. All he wanted to do was comfort her, hold her and tell her everything would be okay. These were the things he’d been doing. Things that irritated her to no end. What was he to do now?
He took a deep breath, stared up at the ceiling with troubled eyes and said, “Ava, I try so hard to be there for you and I don’t understand why I’m being punished for being a good husband to you.”
“I told you why. You just refuse to hear me.”
“No, I heard what you said and it makes no sense to me, Ava. You’re having health issues and your solution to the problem is to shut me out completely because I’m worried about you?”
“I want a divorce.”
Had he heard her correctly? He couldn’t have. “What’d you say?”
“I said, I want a divorce, Andre.”
The words cut through his flesh like a jagged knife and for a moment in time, he’d lost his breath, rendering him disoriented. He lowered his feet from the table, rubbed his eyes and gathered himself.
“You want a divorce?” he asked with a hard frown molded into his forehead. “After everything we’ve been through, that’s how you think this is going to end?”
“It would be a lot easier ending this with a divorce than you standing at my gravesite, don’t you think.”
“I think you’ve lost your mind.”
“And I think you’re in denial. I’m giving you an out. I suggest that you take it. Goodbye, Andre,” she said, then hung up the phone.
Andre angrily threw his phone across the room and grabbed his head in anguish. Ava had lost her mind. She was so adamant about leaving, something she’d never done before, and now the time apart gave her an unnecessary amount of time to come to the foolish conclusion that she wanted to end their marriage. She was giving him an out, but would he take it? Or would he do what he’d been doing for the past year – fight for her?
Chapter 5
Ava
. ~ .
I DON’T KNOW how death feels. Many people wonder what it would feel like to actually die, to never breathe again. I have so many questions about it like, do you know the precise moment when you’ve stopped breathing? After it happens, can you see your loved ones crying over your lifeless body? Do you know the exact moment you’re no longer a living human? Death is a mystery, but the many causes that leads us down that path is not.
Besides unforeseen occurrences like car accidents, most people know what they will die from. They get sick, get diagnosed with cancer, immune diseases, respiratory illnesses or some other ailment. After being treated for these sicknesses, their bodies no longer respond to medication and they just give up, overcome by the illness and then death happens.
That is precisely what’s happening to me. While my mother and my husband cling to hope that one day I’ll be as good as new, I know I’m dying. I can feel it. Heart disease remains the number one leading cause of death in the United States, and while they try to sugar coat the fact
that I can be treated with this medicine and that medicine, I know what the eventuality of the matter is, and so do they.
That’s why I told Andre I wanted a divorce last night. I didn’t want to tell him that. I never thought those words would leave my mouth, but they did because I love Andre. I want the best for him. I’m not the best – I’m a pest, a nagging thorn in his flesh that he doesn’t want to remove for fear the pain would hurt even worse. It’s only when the thorn is removed that the healing process can begin. Allowing the thorn to remain in place will only cause the wound to worsen, get infected and soon the person is sick.
I don’t want Andre to become sick.
AFTER THREE STRAIGHT days of rain, it’s a beautiful, sunny day in Charlotte with not a cloud in the sky – the perfect day to take Andrew out to get some fresh air. I shower, throw on some jeans, a T-shirt and flip-flips. I dress Andrew in a pair of cute little Levi’s and a long-sleeved Captain America shirt, just in case the wind picks up.
Desperately needing some adult interaction, I call Clara to ask her to meet us at the park on Park Road. Then I go through the ritual of packing Andrew’s diaper bag and about twenty minutes later, Andrew and I are out the door. It’s not until I start up my rental car that I realize I’d forgotten his stroller.
Ugh!
Instead of taking him out of the car seat and going back into the house to get the stroller, I drive right up to the front door, get out of the car, lock the car doors behind me and make a mad dash into the house to grab the stroller that I know is perched up next to the wall in the front foyer.
Locking the front door behind me for the second time, I hit the trunk button on the keychain remote, carefully place the stroller there and finally, I’m in the driver seat again, taking a moment to catch my breath while running down the mental checklist that’s engrained in my head to make sure I have everything I need, especially Andrew’s favorite cup.
Once I’m sure I have everything this time, we’re off to the park. On the drive there, I remember how much I miss Charlotte – not to say that Coral Gables, Florida is subpar, but Charlotte is my home. It’s not where I grew up, but it is, however, the place where I made a stand and took charge of my life. It’s where I thought I’d always live, where I wanted to raise my son. Now I wonder if moving to Florida has added to my intense desire for independence from marriage and from Andre. I think it has.
Moving me there was the beginning of becoming someone I wasn’t, of being forced into this world of luxury and privilege. Just because my life appeared glamorous didn’t mean I wasn’t sick. The truth is, I’m still going to die. Rich people die all the time.
WHEN I PULL up in the parking lot at the park, I see Clara’s car already there. I park next to her, get out and she hugs me. Then, while I’m taking Andrew’s stroller from the trunk, Clara opens the back driver-side door and unbuckles Andrew from his car seat, taking him out and giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey baby boy,” she said jubilantly. “You’re such a big boy, Andrew.” She tickles him and he giggles.
He has Andre’s smile, too.
I successfully strap him in the stroller, and after placing his diaper bag in the bottom compartment, we head to a trail where we walk, listen to birds chirping, take in fresh air while the sun gently touch our faces. This is nice. This is exactly what I needed.
“Andre called me late last night,” I told her.
“Good. Y’all work something out?”
“No. I told him I wanted a divorce.”
Clara snapped her head back and looked at me. “Ava, please tell me you didn’t do that to that man.”
“I didn’t want to, but I did.”
“Oh my gosh,” she said, like I’d just did something illegal.
“It’s a decision I’ve had a hard time making, but I know it’s the right thing to do for Andre even though he doesn’t think so,” I said, my voice trailing off, tears falling from my eyes. I bat them away keep on walking.
Coming up on a park bench, Clara suggests that we sit for a moment. She can clearly see I’m in distress. So after we take a seat, she asked, “What did he say when you told him?”
“He told me I lost my mind.” I dabbed my eyes. “I lost my mind, but I’m doing this for him.”
“And for yourself, right? You don’t want to feel guilty for hurting him in the event that something happens to you.”
“It’s mostly because I don’t want him to suffer. He has been good to me, Clara.”
“And you’ve been good to him.”
I shake my head. “How? How have I been good to him?”
“Hello! You gave him a son.”
“Besides that, Clara.”
“You love him...you care about him...right?”
I nodded.
“Ava, do you really feel in your heart that divorce is the best course of action? I mean, people who get divorced usually hate each other and you and Andre are in love.”
I hung my head in shame, not answering Clara because she’s right once again. Maybe I am a fool, but my intentions are pure. I know that, even if no one else does.
“How are you health wise?” Clara inquired.
“I have an appointment on Friday. The last time I went to the doctor, they were talking about changing one of my medications again. Either way it goes, it’s all pointless.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I don’t feel like I have that much time left.”
Clara grimaced. “Ava, don’t talk like that.”
“I don’t, Clara. I have this feeling that I’m not going to make it and I can’t explain it. But that’s why I’m here, in Charlotte. That’s why I had to get away from Andre. I don’t want him to see me die.”
“Will you stop it?” Clara said, trying to downplay what I feel. “You’re not going to die.”
“I’m just telling you how I feel...and I’m feeling some type of way right now.”
“That’s because you left your boo in Florida.”
Was she right? Was I feeling this way because Andre and I were fighting? Because I wanted to distance myself from him but needed to be close to him at the same time? Was I taking advantage of the fact that Andre was so mild-tempered, so glass-half-full that I couldn’t see the man for the intense love he had for me?
“Tell me this,” Clara said. “How is your life with him in Florida?”
“It’s different.”
“Are you happy?”
“No, but that has nothing to do with him or my life there. It’s just me. I’m not happy with myself...not happy with the way I feel, with being sick and having to be watched over all the time. Do you know Andre watches me sleep?”
“You told me that the other day and I just think that is the sweetest thing ever.”
I roll my eyes. “If I wasn’t sick, yeah, it would be sweet. But he’s watching me like he’s waiting for the moment I take my last breath, so he can immediately administer C.P.R. and save my life. What kind of way is that for a man to live?”
Clara doesn’t have an answer for me. She silently shakes her head.
“That’s why I want to end the marriage. I can’t have him doing that. Then he gets up and goes to work after staying up with me all night. He didn’t have to do that before he met me and he shouldn’t have to do it now. A spouse is supposed to help the other person, not bring them down.”
“Okay, so let’s reverse the situation. If Andre was the one with the heart condition and you were perfectly healthy, would you want him to leave and divorce you because he thought you deserved better?”
“No,” I said tearfully, my lips trembling, my hands shaking as they hid my face in shame. “You’re right Clara. You’re absolutely right. But, if I called him right now to apologize and make things right between us, you know what would happen?”
“What?”
“A week from now, I’m going to regret it. That’s been my cycle. One week I love him to death, the next, I want to go away.”
“Well, you need to make up your mind, Ava. You made a commitment to that man and I think it’s time you lived up to it.”
I RETURN HOME a while later, and even though it’s only four in the afternoon, I get started on dinner because there’s simply nothing else to do.
Andrew is in the living room, in his Pack-n-Play, which I have a good view of from the kitchen. I’m making sloppy joe and macaroni. I hear my cell phone buzzing on the granite countertop and as I grab a towel to wipe my hand, I look at the display and see that it’s my Mother calling.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Ava, come to the door. I’ve been ringing the doorbell for five minutes.”
Jeez...how was I going to explain this to her without giving her a stroke. I know I should’ve ran it by my Mother that I’d left my husband, but I just wasn’t up to being talked out of my decision. Besides, she’d ran my life enough. And I’m not talking bad about my Mother. Parents are supposed to love their children. She, however, has been one of those mothers who would do every single thing for their grown children – unable to let go.
I think most of it stems from her being a single mother for so long. She’s forgotten how it is to have a mate and share a life with someone, so to replace that void, she fills it with unnecessary meddling into my life.
Stirring the sloppy joe mixture with the spoon in my right hand while balancing my cell to my left ear using my shoulder, I said, “Mom, I’m not home...well, not home in Florida. I’m in Charlotte.”
“Charlotte! What on earth are you doing in Charlotte?”
Her yell has my ear ringing. “Andre and I are going through some things right now, and—”