Doing The Apocalypse Shuffle: Southern Prepper Adventure Fiction of Survival Grid Down (Old Preppers Die Hard Book 2)

by Ron Foster

  Farley pulled in and as soon as he did he said ‘Oh Hell’ to himself. On the side of the building at the old picnic table appeared to be two damn near bald freckled faced redheaded boys about the same age as his charges and what appeared to be their backwoods Mama and Papa.

  Farley got out and said ‘Howdy’ to the family that appeared to be of all things divvying up worms on a concrete picnic table and entered the store.

  “Hey, Barnett, Hey Frazier! Ya’ll doing well?” Farley asked as he entered the store.

  “Hey Farley! You back kind of quick aren’t you?” Frazier asked reaching to shake his hand.

  “Too quick for what? To shake your hand, Barnett? Hope you got some goodies, it’s been a week. Hope you got my chickens for me, don’t you?” Farley asked not too comfortable why he was arriving late after the appointed time.

  “I told you I can’t be holding onto things in these days like in the past. You be on time or you forget about it. Not that you got anything to worry about, they’re here but I was giving up on you.” Barnett said in a huff.

  “I’m sorry my friend, couldn’t be helped. I had something come up that you might be interested in. I got AG gas to trade and I got 55 gallons worth. Not with me mind you, I only got fifteen out on the van but I owe you in my mind so I don’t have to buy any crap .38 pistols again. Do you know that damn thing got a bad cylinder on it you sold me? It backfires! it’s a damn hazard and I want to return it!” Farley said acting indignant.

  “Hey, I shot that gun but I didn’t do all six cylinders but you know, I could have been had. I’ll exchange it. What’s this about you got AG gas?” Barnett said stroking what looked like he was attempting to grow like everybody else in this day without razor blades.

  “You know if you own a farm you can get a tax break on dyed green diesel or green gas so you can’t resell it. I got a farmer up the road that threw in his lot with us to survive under what we’re going to call Farley’s tribe these days. He raises millet normally under a Sylvester Super Chicken contract to create feed for those big chicken houses but since they aren’t paying them or supplying them with feed and such he’s kind of in a quandary on how to feed his family and workers in these dire times. Gas is gas. I swapped him to get down here, told him I was trading, didn’t tell him about you or how I found you. I just said I would get some value for what he was offering. Now then what do ya’ll have? I got gas, they want food first and guns and ammo or goods last.”

  “What do you mean you want ‘goods last’?” Frazier asked speculating.

  “I mean toilet paper’s fine but that don’t beat gas. Fishing worms they have no use for but zip lock plastic bags are on the list. Chickens, everybody wants chicken. You got any more besides mine I’m supposed to pick up today?” Farley asked.

  “Got four of them old leghorn chickens. I got a bunch of eggs. I wish like hell everybody would remember those are fertile eggs and if you quit eating them and let the hen sit on them a bit they might grow into chickens!” Barnett said.

  “Well, if you ain’t got nothing to eat, you eat the damn eggs. Let’s not go there.” Farley said regarding the two men.

  “Hey, let’s get off the subject for a minute. Them two boys are doing something specific today and I appreciate you alls’ indulgence. They want to find a birthday gift for that Asian boys’ Mama and I would appreciate all your patience and help trying to help them do that. Now don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a tall order. I told them they probably couldn’t find anything at here but it’s important for them and by the way that little goomer over there’s name is Fong.” Farley said pointing in his direction.

  “Now don’t have too much damn fun over there with him, Frazier, he’s a good boy and a friend of Jeremy and his Daddy by coincidence happens to be I just found out, that fishing tackle salesman’s boss I was telling you about. You know the one that had all that fishing crap in the truck to trade? We are now all staying together more or less and they are back there with the rest of my crew and sent me down here to see about putting on a party, a birthday party. Now if ya’ll got any birthday paper and candles or any stupid ass party hats back at your houses that aren’t in the store, I’m interested in those also. But you be kind to them boys please and price them right. I want to make it a happy party. I doubt we will ever be able to have another like it. The families sent me down here to help pick out gifts and supervise the boys, if you know what I mean.” Farley said lowering his voice to clue them in that this was to be treated as a special occasion.

  “Oh sure, we can do that. We got fishing decorations, Farley. Well what I mean by that is that we got decorations for fishing tournaments and theme parties if you know what I mean. I can show you where they are at. We even got them firecracker pull toys that shoot confetti as party favors that the boys might find particularly interesting. And I got me an extra 160 count pack of them Black Cat brand firecrackers back at the house that might be loads of fun for you and them if you’re going to Fourth of July it.” Barnett said.

  “That will work! Now ya’ll are in the spirit of things! Thanks!” Farley began before the screen door opened and two little buzz cut haircut freckle faced boys walked in the store to see what was going on and check out the strangers.

  Fong and Jeremy turned around from them studying fish scalers and one or two knives to give Miss Feng as a present and lots of ideas about whether she might like a mounted deer head because of the limited inventory in this place and commenced to doing what all young boys do of sharing their experiences with others.

  “Hey! I’m Jeremy, this is my friend Fong. We got to figure out how to find his Mama a birthday present today. You got any ideas?” Jeremy stated eying the boys for a possible friendly or unfriendly tussle later on or just enjoying someone new who was approximately their same age moment with the two younger folks sharing their space.

  “This is my brother Jerome and I am Frankie. We live down by Blake’s Bend.” The new boys said to introduce themselves and after shaking hands they all got down to business.

  “How about you maybe giving your mom some earrings made out of some of these fish lures?” Jerome offered.

  “Yeah, you could add feathers to them off of some of them other lures if you could get them cheap enough.” Frankie offered.

  “No, I don’t think so. We thought of that but we don’t have any earring backs to put that stuff on. She doesn’t fish either so one of these expensive lures won’t help either.” Fong said.

  “How about getting her a knife sharpener? It’s made for hooks but it’ll sharpen a knife.” Fong said.

  “Well, that’s a maybe. But it isn’t girly enough, if you know what I mean.” Jerome said.

  “You look kind of girly to me.” Frankie said being a smart ass.

  “Hey you boys, you need something? No horseplay in here.” Frazier warned from over the cabinet hearing the conversation to which everyone turned into instant angels.

  “I just don’t know, Farley. Frazier, go ask Lynette back up to the house what it is that those boys might be willing to find in here to get his Mama for a birthday present. Farley, I got to ask, is that, what do you call him Fong boy related to you?” Barnett questioned.

  “Might as well be a relative, I reckon. I swear them two boys wake up and go to sleep the same time I do and are hanging about from sun up to sundown. Hey now Barnett, what would you take for that no longer working pizza warmer display thing you got over there? It can’t be worth much, they don’t work anymore and ain`t nothing but a reminder of better times. I got something I want to make with the Plexiglas out of it or I’ll just take the Plexiglas if you got use for the rest of it. What do you want for it?” Farley asked, inspired.

  “What do you want that thing for?” Barnett asked studying Farley’s expressed interest in it.

  “I need to make a box out of something to hold a project.” Farley said

  Farley looked over at Jeremy and Fong who were also eying the pizza warmer with evident interest sever
al feet away.

  “Hang on, Barnett, let me go help them boys a minute.” Farley said before walking over to them.

  “What’s up guys? Why the interest in this thing?” Farley asked in a hushed tone indicating the food warmer.

  “How much you think he wants for this considering it doesn’t work?” Jeremy asked.

  “It will work I’m telling you.” Fong whispered at Jeremy.

  “Work for what?” Farley asked.

  “Fong and I got us the idea we could make us a chicken incubator out of that thing. You got any idea if it’s too hot with the light bulb that’s in it?” Jeremy asked.

  “Damn, you kids are geniuses to think about that. Yea, I don’t know about the bulb but we can think about something!” Farley said in amazement.

  “Damn a chicken brooder or incubator. Now I would have never thought of that in a million years! Why we could get this thing and a bunch of fertile eggs, and Miss Feng would have the dandiest birthday gift ever!” Farley thought seeing a bunch of little chicks going cheep cheep at that little old cheap Asian woman.

  “Hey, Barnett, what will you take for this old food warmer unit over here? The boys got them an idea that they want to make a terrarium or something for a pet turtle.” Farley said as both the boys looked up with a ‘do what?” look at Farley to his reference for an aquarium for a non-existent turtle.

  “Let me get this straight… them boys want to put a turtle in that old food warmer, well I guess it makes sense it’s nothing but plexiglass and a bottom, won’t hold much water but I guess ya’ll figure that out. I’ll take five dollars cash or trade for it.” Barnett said happy to get it off his counter since it no longer had a purpose to serve.

  “You heard him boys, it’s five dollars cash or trade, work on paying the man.” Farley said waiting to watch the show that was coming on.

  “I think it’s only worth about three dollars.” Fong said taking after his Aunty Feng to which Farley stifled a chuckle.

  “Give him three fifty and call it square.” Jeremy chimed in negotiating how much change the two of them had in their pockets.

  “I tell you what boys, if you two little heathens can pick it up and carry it out of here by yourselves you can have it for $2.50, that is if I don’t have to rent you a broom and a dustpan to clean up the mess when you drop it!” Barnett said.

  “Well, we can get it out of here and you said $2.50 if we can get it carried out the door, is that right?” Jeremy said.

  “And if it gets dropped going out the door we even rent your dustpan, right?” Fong said grinning.

  “Yup! That’s right, boys. If the two of ya’ll can get that thing out of here I’ll sell it to you for $2.50 and if it gets dropped and needs cleaning up it’ll cost you an extra dollar. Is that fair? Is that a deal?” Barnett said sticking his hand out to shake with Jeremy and Fong.

  “That’s a deal. Me and Fong will get it out of here for $2.50 regardless of breakage and if we have to borrow the broom and dustpan for breakage then we owe you an extra dollar.” Jeremy said shaking the man’s hand and Fong joined in.

  “Ok, I got to see this! Frazier, look here we got us a show for today. Those two boys are going to move that heavy thing out of here all by themselves!” Barnett said settling his bulk down on the worn out bar stool in back of the counter.

  “I didn’t make that kind of deal, I didn’t say all by ourselves, I said me and Fong would get it out of here. Farley, I want you get yourself up and tote that thing out of here for us!” Jeremy said, surprising Farley who was grinning like hell and commenced to manhandling it out the door smiling all the way as Frazier gave his boss playful hell for getting one-upped by a thirteen year old.

  “Now it was a fair deal, you told me and Fong we had to get it out of here by ourselves and I told Farley to do it for us. We got it out by asking and since he’s done doing it here’s the $2.50!” Jeremy said with a shit eating grin on his face to which Barnett and Frazier broke out into belly laughs and happily received their pittance thinking it was a turtle shack that they had just been beat out of.

  Farley came back sweating and bitching about his exertions and laughing all the way that his two little traders had made the best deal of the day and asked Barnett how many chicken eggs he had for sale because they had them a birthday party to go to and they had to make a cake and some kind of tapioca pudding or soufflé or something for everybody living on their end of the lake.

  “Farley, you ain’t told us yet exactly where it is you live over there, anyway. I ain`t seen ya’ll before and I meant to tell you them Willy boys said they saw your van up the road around some trouble we had around here not too long ago.” Frazier said.

  “Hey hold on now a minute, I don’t know nothing about no Willy boys and just because ya’ll got a little spooked about some good trading doesn’t mean you can say I did something wrong.” Farley said indignantly.

  “No, we were just asking you because they were saying they saw a van something like yours around…” Barnett began before Farley cut him off.

  “I don’t know anything about anything and all I said to you was how much was some eggs and you two started getting upset over being beat out of $2.50 which to me is worrisome. But if you must know, me and my crew were on the side of a road taking a whiz when the Willy boys looked like to us that they might be going to rob my van and I said something to them! That’s it. We separated with no hard feelings between us.” Farley said giving a hard glare to Frazier and Barnett.

  “No, no, don’t get me wrong, didn’t mean to rile you, Farley. I was just asking you because you were around to ask about it and wanting to sell you some eggs and don’t choke on the price of $6 a dozen nowadays.” Barnett said with a glare.

  “Damn! That’s some expensive chicken fruit. I reckon it’s worth it to make everybody happy. I’ll take them if there’s no negotiation in price but I think $2.75 sounds better.”

  “No, that’s the price; I’m not adjusting or negotiating food prices at the moment.” Barnett said with a calm, slight smile.

  “No worries. Here’s $5 and one makes six and those eggs are mine now, right?” Farley said handing him a $5 bill and an additional $1 greenback.

  “They’re yours then.” Barnett said. “And you can pick up your chickens in the back.” Barnett added, still smiling.

  “I bet some of them damn eggs you just sold me come from some of my own chickens, you old scumgullion!” Farley said forcing a laugh.

  “Might be.” Said Frazier with the same wry smile Barnett was wearing.

  “Well, we won’t have that problem any more boys! Because you just sold them the best chicken incubator ever and the eggs to go in it!” Farley said laughing all the way out the door.

  9

  Plotting And Scheming

  Farley and the boys were giddy riding down the road about how they out-traded Barnett and didn’t realize how long the trading had taken before they were supposed to meet back up with Dump Truck but evidently he hadn’t left because they found him napping under an old oak tree at the bar. Farley pulled into the parking lot and both boys bailed out of the van hollering ”Mr. Dump! Mr. Dump!” to which Farley chuckled at hearing one more funny version of his name.

  “We just got back from Barnett’s and traded for a mess of chickens!” Jeremy said beside himself.

  “What kind of chickens? How many did you get?” Dump asked slightly slurring his words because he had evidently killed whatever extra twelve pack he had found, telling by the cans in his vicinity.

  “Don’t ya’ll be counting your chickens before they are hatched, boys!” Farley said with a smile.

  Farley told Dump all about how the boys had got one over on Barnett and after a good laugh Farley said he was going to run the boys home and come back.

  He came back in about a half hour and pulled into the parking lot.

  “Dump, do you know anyone that might have any guns for sale or trade?” Farley ventured after making small talk with Dump upon his
return.

  “Well, no offense meant to you, Farley, but trading guns with strangers is not something I like to think about much, but I will consider it. The guy that owned this place had a bunch of them but they are mostly locked up in a gun safe that I don’t have the combination to and I am still trying to wrap my head around what happened to him and what all this means. Take this place for example, the man’s dead and no next of kin in this state that I know of so does that mean I can claim it? And if I do claim it, what am I going to do with it? It’s not likely this bar will ever open again unless some miracle happens and the power goes back on. I helped Connors get the booze out of here and know where it’s at but it ain’t that much of it. Folks around here put a hell of a dent in the liquor supply the first few weeks of the disaster. We just set some candles and a few old lanterns out and it was business as usual for awhile. That reminds me, lots of folks around here will have heard about Connors’ death and will be after his stuff if they know whereabouts he lived. I best get myself on over there today and clear out whatever I want before the grave pickers come around, I guess.” Dump said.