by Bella Grant
I guessed it was Fiona with the one word text. A meek Hey. For some reason, I looked around before I texted back.
Fiona, how is life outside the walls treating ya? I figured my apology could wait until after I heard of her wellbeing.
Lol, it is Fiona. Good, the people are nice out here. I managed to get a hold of my advisor and found out I can retake the classes I dropped in the fall. I’m slowly working on the email lists of the guests at the gala too, but one day at a time, right?
I smiled at her text. One week back in the wild of the real world and Fiona Sims was the most productive patient I’d ever had.
That’s great news. I’m so glad. Does the medication seem to be helping then?
I waited for a few minutes as she read the text and watched with dread as my phone continued to indicate to me that she was responding. For the next five minutes, my phone displayed the ellipsis sign, so I typed back another text.
Listen, about your discharge day, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pawn you off. I still deeply care about you and hope you can forgive me one day.
I hit sent and set my phone down and picked up another file to distract myself from the many possibilities of how she would respond back. Another ten minutes passed and still nothing on her end. That could either be a good thing or a bad thing so I continued to dictate the notes and tried very hard not to think about why it was taking her so long. The weight that was once in my gut was back with a vengeance as I struggled not to glance down at my phone every minute.
Another hour went by and there was still no text, which caused my stomach to flip flop with concern. I aimed not to let it eat me alive, though, and tackled a few more files. For some reason, I ended up sending one more text.
Fiona?
Then my phone rang, and it wasn’t my cell phone and I wasn’t on call.
Fiona.
CHAPTER 18
I couldn’t do it. No matter how many drafts I typed or how many times I had re-worded and reorganized my sentences to make sure it all came out right, I still couldn’t muster up the courage to hit the little ‘send’ button. Instead, I threw my phone down in frustration and watched it bounce off the rug and under my bed. Great, just great. Lisa would murder me if I didn’t tell him. I had already procrastinated an entire day and she was so far up my ass about it, she even stayed home tonight to make sure I did the deed.
She was quite annoying about it, but she was right. I needed to tell him I was indeed pregnant. It was the right thing to do, especially since I wasn’t sure what to do myself. I was too young to raise a child on my own. Abortion was never an option in my mind, yet adoption was an option I would consider if need be. I didn’t feel right making any of those choices without him though. We’d made the life that was growing inside of me together, so we needed to deal with it together. Regardless of the fight we’d had. I would let it go for the sake of the more pressing matter in my uterus. Yet I couldn’t predict how Josh would react and it was setting off all kinds of alarms in my head.
I closed my eyes for the umpteenth time, attempting to get some sleep. No matter what I did, I couldn’t stop thinking about how my parents would feel if they knew their little girl was knocked up without a plan. That thought led to another about how none of my future children would ever have the opportunity to meet their Grandma and Grandpa Sims. The worst was that my parents never got the chance to be grandparents.
More and more toxic thoughts leaked behind my forced closed eyes, and it took everything I had in me not to cry. Eventually, I stumbled into unconsciousness, only to wake from a sudden sensation in my chest, quick and fluttering madly against my ribcage. My heart felt like it had gone into a frenzy. Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and tumbled out of bed. I tried to scream for Lisa, but it came out more like hoarse cries so I banged my fists on the ground.
I heard the swiftness of feet across our floorboards and then was face to face with pink monkey socks. I could hear Lisa’s voice but it sounded so far away, like I was underwater and couldn’t respond without drowning. The air around was being taken away from me, and I gasped for oxygen. Everything felt too close for comfort.
This wasn’t like my normal attacks. I knew what triggered them. This was a panic attack, and I didn’t have a staff of nurses surrounding me with Ativan on hand. My phone’s screen lit up from under my bed, like a beacon of hope, and I reached for it desperately.
Lisa noticed what I was doing and got down on all fours and yanked my phone from under the bed. It was a text from Josh, but it wasn’t why I was reaching. She must have realized it too because the next thing I knew, I heard her panicked words.
“Come…hurry…panic attack…address is…”
Then my world went black for the second time in my life.
******
The sound of beeping machines and people’s words floated by my head and woke me up. I peeked an eye open, the familiar squares of a dropped ceiling coming into focus. I was back in the UCSF emergency room, the same place I woke up after my suicide attempt and the same place where I met…
“Miss Sims, long time no see. Guess you must have missed us after all.”
My eyes slit opened and I could make out the outline of one of ER nurses who was there the first time I came through the double doors. I managed a weak smile knowing she was trying to make light of the situation when I heard a familiar voice chirp next to me.
“Fuck, am I glad to see you’re alive.”
I gingerly shifted my attention to Lisa who was sitting next to my hospital bed and felt her hand squeeze mine. I squeezed back and relief washed over her features; I could tell she was trying to be tough for both of us.
“What happened?” My voice cracked and croaked as it came out and the nurse handed me a cup of ice chips.
“You had a major panic attack, Miss Sims and we had to sedate you to get your body back into a relaxed state. You’ve been sleeping for some time now so take it easy, a doctor will be in momentarily to see you after the blood work comes back, for now hang tight,” she explained calmly and hit a few buttons on the beeping machine next to me before leaving the room before I could even ask if Josh would be the doctor I’d be seeing. I was hoping so at least.
“Hey, you feeling any better?” My attention was back on my best friend who was rubbing the top of my hand with her thumb. She was never this affectionate.
“Jeez, Lisa I must have really scared you,” I squeezed her thumb, still she didn’t budge.
“Yeah ya did. I thought it was round two of what I found in the bathroom, I mean for fuck sake’s Fiona, you were on the floor, hyperventilating, what else was I gonna think?”
“Well, thank you. You’ve managed to save me in the nick of time once again and I’m not sure how I’ll ever repay,” I replied, my heart warmed with her concerns.
“Oh, I can think of some ways of how you can pay me back.” We both laughed, the silent promise of helping her out of any drunk situation between us now when there was a knock on the sliding door beyond the curtain sobering both of us up. My heart skipped when I made out the shape of a slim man making his way into the room.
Josh.
“Good evening, Miss Sims, glad to see you are awake,” the sight of a younger doctor with blond, clipped hair and a golden tan across his facial features, adorned in blue scrubs, disappointed me more than I led on to believe as he went to the sink to scrub his hands and slap on a pair of latex gloves. Lisa and I shared a look and I knew she also shared my feelings when she was the first one to speak up.
“And you are?” she clicked her tongue, a piece of bubble gum in her mouth popping.
“Ah yes, I believe you were out for a smoke when I came in earlier. Forgive me for not introducing myself sooner but the name is Dr. Ryans. I’m a psych resident here at the hospital and just your luck, I happen to be on call tonight,” he explained but his light-hearted words didn’t reach me.
“Where is Dr. Sullivan?” I blurted out before I
could stop myself and startled both of them. I shrank back into my bed and added, “He’s my psychiatrist so I was just wondering.” My voice lost its confidence in those words as he looked at my chart.
“Well, Dr. Sullivan just left due to a family emergency. But fear not, he will be alerted of your stay here tonight and you can follow up with me. Now I’m going to check your eyes, okay?”
He flashed a light into my eyes and I tried not to squirm under his unfamiliar gaze. His words didn’t soothe me and neither did his appearance. I wanted Josh and was concerned as to why he had left. Was his sister alright? Did something happen to the girls? Dr. Ryans scribbled into my chart, clicking his pen away and then stopped.
“Well, your body isn’t showing any signs of further distress meaning the Ativan worked to calm your attack, but what I would like to know before I go into your blood work is what exactly you were doing before the attack occurred.” He was back to writing and I was thankful he wasn’t looking my way as I twisted the sheets around my fingers nervously. Even Lisa didn’t know what I was doing before the attack.
“Well I was just lying in bed, thinking about my parents,” I quietly explained and felt Lisa squeeze my hand once more.
“Her parents were recently killed and she’s been having a hard time with it,” Lisa explained for me, taking over the reins when I couldn’t properly steer.
That made Dr. Ryan peek up at us and drop his pen down to his side. “I’m truly sorry to hear that, Miss Sims. I can understand why you would be having such a hard time then. I can see from your chart that you don’t have a history of panic attacks so this was a first for you, am I correct?”
I nodded my head weakly yet I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, the familiar lump of reality hitting me square in the chest at Lisa’s words.
“Well, I think your friend bringing you here was the right decision then, especially if you didn’t know what was happening to yourself. Now that we have you stable, I would like to go over your blood work for you and conduct a urinalysis before we let you go. But first I must ask a very important question here.” His seriousness concerned me so I peeked back up at him, a frown on my face.
“In regards to your blood work, there is an indication that you are pregnant. Were you aware of that?”
I gulped down the shaky feeling that was coming up but I could do nothing about the tears streaming down my face as I nodded.
“Yes,” I croaked out and his face showed his attempt at grasping the whole picture.
“Have you seen your doctor to confirm then?”
I shook my head and he brought the pen back up to scribble some more.
“Okay then, I would like to prescribe some pre-natal vitamins and urge you to go see your doctor immediately along with an ultrasound appointment to see how far along you are, if you haven’t already done so. Since we were able to stop your attack right away, the fetus should be okay, but I would like you to follow up with your doctor to keep an eye on it, okay?”
“Okay,” I got out, a little firmer this time before adding, “Will this be recorded in my hospital chart?”
“The lab results and what we have discussed will be, yes. Is there information you do not want disclosed?”
I glanced over at Lisa who was giving me a knowing look. This was not how I wanted Josh to find out, yet at the same time, I couldn’t act out too much on my fears or Dr. Ryans would get suspicious. So I put on a sad smile and said, “It’s just that Dr. Sullivan doesn’t know and I would like to tell him when I’m ready so that way we can continue focusing on my psychological health especially after this attack. I’m concerned there will be more and it will be bad for the baby.” I placed my hand on my still very flat tummy and hoped my innocent little act was working.
Dr. Ryans didn’t miss a beat and started scribbling right away. “Of course, all I need is for you to sign some patient disclosure paperwork and your chart will simply say you have chosen not to disclose this information. Sound good?”
I nodded and offered Dr. Ryans a real smile for once. “Thank you so much. So should I pee in a cup now or later?”
CHAPTER 19
I wasn’t supposed to look at Dr. Anderson’s schedule, nor was I supposed to being taking a break. My desk begged me not to, with all the files left over from the previous night. I couldn’t help it. I needed to see her alone to apologize for not being there when she needed me.
The transcription notes came over this morning and even with barely any sleep, my brain caught her name in the stack of computer files waiting for my sign off from the emergency room. The guilt hit me right in the stomach when I saw the reason why she was in the ER in the first place. Sudden panic attack, one so bad that she hyperventilated and passed out. Lisa made the call and the ER managed to get her condition stable and she awoke an hour or so after she came in. I scanned the notes quickly, not even bothering to look at the labs when I read that she was stable enough to be discharged and clicked on my e-signature and pulled up the schedule.
I can look at the rest later, I need to see her now.
It wasn’t just a want at this point but a need. After having to leave my desk after my sister called saying her husband, Al, had fallen down the basement stairs and she needed someone to stay with the girls while she took him to the hospital. I bolted right out of my office, leaving all my work behind and took a cab to her house. The girls were sound asleep, tucked in bed when I got there along with a frozen pizza and pack of beer with my name on it. I popped open a beer and prayed that not only would Al be okay but also that Fiona was okay. I still hadn’t heard from her and for the rest of the time, drank myself until a stupor, my sister and Al coming home to find me passed out on the couch and Al in crutches. A broken leg and sprained wrist for attempting to catch his fall was much a better diagnosis than I thought it would be. Goodbyes were said and snuck kisses on the girl’s heads were done and then I was on my way back home, crashing into my mattress at two am, only to wake up at five am, knowing my impending doom awaited me at the hospital. Not just that but Fiona still crossed my mind and it wasn’t until I saw her name across my screen that my heart quickened. Something wasn’t right and I needed to get to the bottom of it, thousands of unanswered questions hitting me all at once.
Were her texts a red flag? A foreshadowing of some type before her panic attack?
Deep down, I knew I was a part of it in some way, and her texts were her way of reaching out to me. It was a cry for help and I had the dropped the ball, hoping I could pick it back up without any damage.
So, instead of catching up on the work cluttering my desk, I pulled up the hospital’s server, the outpatient schedule displayed in front of me. Fiona was scheduled to be seen in the afternoon. Thankfully, the outpatient department wasn’t far from my office, one floor down and at the end of a long hallway. I pulled up my own schedule and puffed in frustration. My afternoon was overbooked, with a few new patients crammed into the little blocks of time I had. Usually, I requested new patients and enjoyed the busy afternoons.
Not today. I picked up the phone and dialed Vickie.
“Good morning, Dr. Sullivan. Need a refill on coffee?”
“Thank you for the offer, but that’s not the reason for my call. Can you see if Dr. Sampson is available this afternoon to take a few of these new patients off my hands? Due to last night’s late emergency, I haven’t had a chance to catch up on my dictation, and they’re well overdue. I’m sure he won’t mind the extra cases.”
“Of course, let me see what I can do,” she replied and we said our goodbyes.
My mind was planning how to get Fiona alone when Vickie called back within a few minutes.
“Dr. Sampson says you owe him a drink this Friday and to go getʼem. Whatever that means.”
“Tell him whatever he wants, it’s on the house.”
I hung up quickly and got to back work on another file before my 8 a.m. arrived. I peered down at my phone and contemplated telling Fiona I would like to see her
after her appointment and how I truly missed having her around. Perhaps it would be better to surprise her. I agreed with my thought and got back to work. My morning needed to be as efficient as possible if I was going to pull off my impromptu afternoon visit.
******
Everyone around me seemed to have picked up on my good mood. My patients were all smiles and chatted easily, with nothing too hard or complicated to work on. No fits or attacks. Just an easy, breezy day which allowed me to have more than enough time to see Fiona. After I explained to Vickie I was taking a late lunch, I made the quick stroll down to the first floor.
I planned on making my entrance look casual as I wandered past the outpatient front desk. My eyes darted to the back to see Dr. Anderson’s door shut. Damn, I was early. A vending machine was nearby, so I made it my destination and fished some loose change from my pocket. I fed the change through the slot and pushed the Coke button. The pop clunked all the way to the bottom, and when I bent over to retrieve it, my eye caught the slender legs of the lovely Fiona Sims coming out of the door that led to the back offices.
I stood up and forgot all about the Coke as I walked past her, trying so hard not to look at her. It was more difficult than I thought.
“Jo—Dr. Sullivan?”
I whipped my head around and put my surprised face on. “Ms. Sims? What a pleasant surprise. I was on my way to my office after grabbing a Coke.”
She smirked and folded her arms, and I knew she didn’t believe me. “Oh really?”
“Yes, really.” I chuckled nervously under her questioning glare.
“Then where is your Coke, Dr. Sullivan?”
Fuck. I headed back to the vending machine, scolding myself for the inability to make anything look casual. This is why you don’t date, I reminded myself as I grabbed the pop from the bottom and held it up for her to see.