by Bella Grant
“Unfortunately, it is the affair of this university,” the white-haired professor said slowly. “We do not allow relationships between students and professors. Honestly, Bell, I’m surprised that you’re surprised about this. It’s not a new concept. We will discuss our findings and schedule a meeting at a later date to determine what disciplinary actions we will be taking against you.”
“I guess there’s nothing more to say,” Theodore said, shoving his chair back from the table. The legs screeched against the hardwood floor. Buttoning his jacket, he nodded to the committee. “Good day.”
“Please keep in mind, Dr. Bell,” Catherine said on the way out, “you are to have absolutely no contact with this student outside of class. Any interaction you have with her will be further documented against you.”
Theodore stopped as she spoke but did not turn around. “Catherine, please,” the white-haired professor said. “Theodore, sit down for a moment.” He turned slowly but did not sit. “This may seem like an invasion of privacy to you, but these protocols are in place to protect both the faculty and the students from sexual harassment and liability. You may not agree or understand, but we do expect you to adhere to them, as outlined in your terms of employment.”
Theodore’s face grew hard at this, and he opened his mouth to speak.
“However,” the professor continued, “we are quite pleased with your work at the university thus far and don’t want to see you go. We will have a full review of your performance and there will be disciplinary actions, but let me offer you this: If you assure us that your involvement with this student is finished and you will perform your duties to your full ability with no more infractions, we will be lenient. It is your first violation, and we don’t want to see you leave us. Please don’t give us a reason to make you. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes,” Theodore said flatly.
“No involvement henceforth.”
“Understood,” Theodore said. “Is that all?”
“Yes, that’s all,” the professor answered.
“Thank you,” Theodore replied and left the room.
He stood in the hallway outside the conference room and stared at his phone. His heart pounded and a headache had escalated in his right temple. The night of their last date flashed through his mind, and he felt a pain in his chest as he considered what he was being asked to give up.
He had worked for years to become a professor. He had spent seven years on his doctorate, and before that, a master’s degree and his undergrad work. He had applied for fellowships and scholarships, loans, and work study programs. He had shaped his whole life around his career, and after finally graduating with his PhD, he had edged out hundreds of other applicants for this position.
Teaching jobs were few and far between in this economy, especially tenure-track ones. He would be a fucking idiot to give his up. Yet, Amelia was something else entirely.
Being with Amelia had been the best nights of Theodore’s life. He had finally felt whole, finally felt open to another person. The sex was amazing, but it was more than that. It was Amelia, her honesty and her intelligence and her bravery. It was the fact that she told him she was falling in love with him. She was the first person Theodore could really imagine being with. To be told he had to give up one of the two most important things in his life put him at an impasse. There was no good choice, no clear answer. Any path would lead to heartbreak for him, and for her, too. If he lost this job, he’d probably have to move to the middle of the country and teach at some mediocre state school. No prestigious university would take him with a firing on his record.
Or he’d lose her.
Theodore stared blankly at his phone, and without wrapping his mind around any firm decision, he texted Amelia.
We need to talk, he wrote. When can I see you?
His phone buzzed with her response. Can you come over tonight?
CHAPTER 19
When Theodore knocked on the door, Amelia heaved herself up from the couch. She still felt sore and strange, but the nausea had passed. After an afternoon nap and a small snack of crackers, which she managed to keep down, she felt capable of masking her symptoms long enough to decide when to tell him.
Despite her trepidation about telling him, and how to do it, she was excited to see him. It felt like the longest day of her life until this moment, and she flung the door open with a big smile to greet him, which faded from Amelia’s face when she saw the expression on Theodore’s. He stood in the doorway, his face filled with thunderstorms, and she instantly felt a wave of worry crash over her. Her stomach lurched when she looked him over and noted the hard line of his mouth and the distant look in his eyes.
How could he know? She ran through all the possible ways he could know, and aside from Frankie telling him, there was no way for this information to have reached him. But Frankie wouldn’t. Amelia trusted him completely. So if he wasn’t upset about the pregnancy, since he had no way of obtaining that information, that meant he was upset about something else. Amelia’s heart raced as she quickly ran through the possibilities. The only thing she could think of was that they had been caught.
She felt the cold air blow in through the door and stood back so Theodore could come in. She tried to understand the look on his face, register the expression with the emotion behind it. He didn’t look mad. He looked… what? Sad? Determined? Resolved? None of these looks did anything to lessen her fear.
“Hey,” she said, leaning forward to kiss him. Instead of meeting her embrace, Theodore froze. Amelia stepped back, humiliated, and her face burned hot as she dropped back down on her heels. She felt his rejection, and it stung. “What’s going on?” she asked, her voice wavering.
“We need to talk,” Theodore said. “Something’s happened. Something serious. And it affects both of us.”
“What is it?” she asked, trembling at the meaning behind his words.
“Let’s sit down,” he said, gesturing to the couch.
“No, tell me now,” Amelia insisted. “Nothing good could come from sitting down. That just means the news is bad. Tell me here.”
“Fine. I was called before a disciplinary panel this afternoon,” Theodore told her, his voice cold. “That bitch Catherine took a fucking photo of us in Lexington last Friday. I was kissing you. It’s indisputable evidence. I couldn’t deny it.”
“What does that mean?” Amelia asked quietly.
“It means we got caught!” Theodore replied hotly. “It means that date blew everything for us.”
“What do you mean?” Amelia repeated. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”
“It means that I have to end things with you or they fire me. That’s what it means. Is that understandable?” Theodore asked, the frustration and panic clear in his voice.
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Amelia stammered, her chin quivering as she tried to hold back the tears.
“There’s nothing to say.” Theodore sighed. “That’s it. I shouldn’t even be here. They could fire me on the spot if they wanted to. But because of my evaluations and being a new professor and all that shit, they’ve decided to give me another chance.”
“We can be careful,” Amelia said, trying to think through their options. “We can… I don’t know, we can go back to not spending the night together?”
“Don’t you understand?” Theodore asked. “We have to end it. Completely.”
“I just…” Amelia’s mouth screwed up in a frown and her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t… I can’t.”
“I’m sorry,” Theodore said. “I wish there was another way.”
“But can’t you just tell them 'no?'” she asked.
“And be fired? I’d lose my job. I’d lose my career. And I’d end up God knows where. I wish I could say yes, Amelia, but to quit now wouldn’t do us any good. I wouldn’t be able to stay here without a job. We wouldn’t be together regardless, because it would be impossible to make it work.”
“So that’s it?” Ameli
a asked, her voice hollow. She felt as if the floor had disappeared, and her nausea came back with a vengeance. She swallowed it and steadied herself against the wall as her forehead broke out in a cold sweat.
“I don’t know what else there is to say,” Theodore said softly. “I’m sorry, Amelia. You can’t imagine how sorry I am.”
“I told you I love you,” she whispered, as if to herself.
“I know. This doesn’t change how I feel about you. It just changes… well, everything else. I wish it was different, but it’s not. We knew this going in.”
“I think you should go,” Amelia said, choking back the tears.
Theodore looked at her intently for a moment, as if he wanted to say something else. He reached for her, but Amelia recoiled from his touch. His face crumpled as he watched the tears slip down her face. Wiping them away, Amelia opened the door. “Go,” she said again.
“Amelia, please,” he said gently. “Let’s not leave it like this—”
“Get the fuck out of my house, Theodore.”
Theodore hesitated for a moment before turning and retreating down the steps, not bothering to hide from the neighbors.
As she slammed the door behind him, Amelia broke down into deep, body-shaking sobs. She clutched her stomach, still flat, not yet betraying the secret she hid within. In a matter of seconds, the life she had spent the day imagining—a life with Theodore, a life with a partner who would father her child, a life where she was raising their child in a Victorian farmhouse in the country, writing together, reading in front of the fire while the baby played on the floor with their dog—all of this slipped out of her reach.
She felt the nausea surging up inside her and ran to the bathroom. Clutching the porcelain bowl of the toilet, she retched, her body shaking and hot tears streaming down her face. When she had emptied herself, she sat back against the edge of the tub, her fingers gripping the bathmat.
Amelia had been alone her whole life. She’d spent her childhood in the foster system and her college years alone, except for Frankie. This was the first time in her life she had opened up to someone, had allowed herself to be vulnerable and exposed. And now, she was pregnant. She was pregnant with Theodore’s child, and she felt completely alone.
She checked her phone. It was 8:45 and dark out, and she considered texting Frankie but remembered he was on his date with Kyle. She wouldn’t ruin his evening with another crisis. Not when she couldn’t afford to lose him, too.
Amelia ran the cold water in the tap and splashed her face. She kicked off her jeans, pulled on a pair of yoga pants and an over-sized t-shirt, and climbed into bed. Her pillow still smelled of Theodore’s aftershave, and she held it as she sobbed uncontrollably, tears streaming down her face and her body convulsing with the strain.
Before falling asleep, Amelia texted Frankie. Call me tomorrow, okay? she asked. She waited for the ellipses to indicate he was replying, but when none came, she tossed her phone on the pillow beside her and closed her eyes.
It took hours before Amelia fell asleep. She drifted in and out in a haze, confused and half-lucid. She thought she was talking to Theodore but awoke alone in her bed, and the clock beside her read 3:27 a.m. Each time she awoke, reemerging from the haze of sleep, she felt the pain of her loss settle on her.
By the morning, she had no more tears to cry. She had spent the night mourning the loss of the life that had briefly unfurled in front of her, a life of happiness and fulfillment with a partner she could love. In the cold light of the morning, with the weight of the morning sickness settling on her, Amelia had lost any illusions she’d carried the day before. She was alone—the way she had been all her life—and she would have her baby alone. That was that.
CHAPTER 20
Theodore spent the final days of the semester in a blur. He filled his days by grading papers and writing reviews, finished his book chapters, and did anything and everything he could think of to dull the pain left behind by the ghost of Amelia. And her ghost was persistent because he couldn’t keep his mind off her.
He resented his department, resented the university, and he fucking hated Catherine. By the time he got together with David for a drink after work, the news had spread through the department rumor mill.
“Dude,” David said, clapping him on the back when he entered the bar. “You dog. What were you thinking?”
“Hey,” Theodore said half-heartedly. He didn’t feel like recounting his conquests to David. It wasn’t like that. It fucking sucked, and all he wanted to do was drink and not think about the fact that the one girl he had fallen in love with was the only girl he couldn’t have. And she probably hated him for it.
“A student?” David continued. “Amelia, right? Can’t blame you. She’s gorgeous.”
“Yeah,” Theodore sighed.
“What’s up, man?” David asked. “Are you really broken up about it? It wasn’t just a fling?”
“No,” Theodore said defensively. “It wasn’t just a fling. I… I fucking love her. And I lose my job, or I lose her. Or, more likely, both.”
“Man, I’m sorry,” David sympathized, ordering another round. He’d arrived before Theodore, and Theodore suspected David was drinking away his own problems.
“So what’s new with you?” Theodore asked.
“Oh, nothing,” David said, turning his head away and belching. “Just finishing up grades.”
“How’s the family?” Theodore said absently, inclined to keep David focused on himself instead of the painful topic of Amelia.
“Fine,” David replied with a sigh. “I gotta tell you man, I envy you. I envy that you feel something right now, even if it’s pain.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard anyone say all week,” Theodore replied flatly. “You’ve got a family. You’ve got a wife and kids. You’ve got it all, man. And you sit here in this bar bemoaning your misfortune and salivating over other people’s unhappiness. What’s wrong with you?”
David looked at him, and Theodore couldn’t tell whether the expression on his face meant he wanted to punch him or cry. Theodore felt like an asshole for his comment, but really, it was true.
“I don’t know,” David said finally, his face crumpling into a frown. He looked old, despite his early middle-age, and Theodore noticed how tired he appeared. “I just miss feeling something,” David continued. “Anything, really. We don’t even fight anymore. It’s like there’s nothing to fight about. We’re just resigned.”
“I’m sorry,” Theodore apologized. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, it’s true,” David said. “I’m sitting here in a bar, wishing I was you. That’s not right. I’ve got a great family.”
“What about your kids?” Theodore asked, hoping to guide David back to smoother waters.
“They’re great, man. They really are,” David said, smiling through his sadness. “Want to see some pictures of them?” He handed Theodore his phone. “That’s my youngest,” David said, pointing at the infant. “He’s going to say ‘Dada’ any day, I just know it. You know? You just get a feeling.”
“Congrats,” Theodore said, handing the phone back. “You’ve got a beautiful family. You’ll figure things out. Right now, you’ve got the only thing I want. You’ve got a family that loves you. I’ve got what? A career. Big fucking deal.”
“Hey, man,” David said, slurring slightly. He pulled a wad of bills out of his wallet. “I think I’m going to head out. I… I want to see my family.”
“I think that’s a great idea. You’re walking, right?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m walking. Don’t worry.” He stopped by Theodore’s bar stool and leaned in. “I’m really sorry things worked out that way for you,” he said. “But I maintain that the only thing that matters is love. Fuck your job, man. You’ll get another one. If you think this girl is the one, you need to be true to that.”
“Thanks, buddy,” Theodore said. He watched through the front window as David left the bar, taking in the s
ad man who was so conflicted with his home life and family ambling down the icy sidewalk. Unable to drink in silence with his own thoughts, he finished his beer, left a wad of cash on the bar, and pulled his coat on.
Outside, the snow had frozen in icy drifts, and Theodore’s breath fogged up the air. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and stopped under the street light.
I miss you, he texted Amelia.
As soon as he hit send, he regretted it. Not because it wasn’t true, but because he didn’t have anything to offer her at this moment. He had considered all the possibilities. They could try to be secretive again, but he was under intense scrutiny from the department, and apparently, there was no privacy off campus. He could quit his job, but then he couldn’t afford to stay in the area. There was really no way to change the situation.
He watched the ellipses appear, and his heart beat faster as he waited for Amelia’s response. But the text bubble disappeared, and Theodore realized Amelia wasn’t going to reply because she knew, like he did, that he was being selfish and careless with her heart. He was being a piece of shit, preserving his career at the expense of their happiness, and he hated himself for it.
Theodore had briefly considered the possibility that once he was no longer her professor, they could perhaps reunite. But the university had said zero contact, and Amelia would still be a student there, regardless of whether she was his. He had hoped in vain, night after night, that a solution would present itself to him, but there was nothing to be done. He walked home with David’s words echoing in his head. She was all that mattered. Being loved was more important than any job.
There was something inside him that refused to give her up. He couldn’t quite figure it out—his inability to accept what seemed so clear and inevitable. Theodore was a rational man. He wasn’t easily swayed by his emotion, or so he told himself. But something about Amelia made it impossible for him to move on. He felt some life force tying them together. His every waking thought seemed to be of her. It was something he’d never felt and couldn’t quite understand.