by Andrea Speed, A. B. Gayle, Jessie Blackwood, J. J Levesque, Katisha Moreish
“Lyle? What’s the matter, mate?” Gil noted the defensive way Lyle was hugging himself. “Have you hurt yourself? What’s wrong?” The room was a bit of a mess, but Gil could see nothing out of the ordinary. He looked back at the man opposite him.
Gil’s eyes were full of concern. Lyle had forgotten until then that he was in a caring profession. He supposed this was the look his patients were privileged to receive when he attended them. He wanted a lover, not a concerned citizen filled with pity for him. It was terribly tempting right now to throw a fit and get Gil to leave before any more damage could be done.
Something was very wrong, Gil thought as he surveyed Lyle, but for the life of him, he couldn’t work out what he wasn’t seeing. “Lyle, have I said anything...?” He wasn’t prepared for the look of utter despair on his features.
Bluff or blow it? Lyle felt trapped, frightened and sad. He considered the work that he had put in over the last two years and realised this was a going to be a pivotal moment. He wasn’t supposed to tell, he was supposed to act normally. What was normal here though? Certainly not him.
“Lyle, what’s wrong? Please, tell me. What just happened?” There was something wrong, Gil knew, but he couldn’t put his finger on what. The sudden unexplained change in Lyle’s mood was almost scary. He briefly wondered if he was dealing with something dangerous.
Lyle took a deep breath. He was worrying Gil, he could see that. Bluff, then.
“Sorry, I should have said something sooner... I wasn’t out where I lived before. This will be my first date as an out guy.” Is that a good enough lie? Will he buy it? Well, as far as it goes it’s true...
Gil frowned. “Is that all? Well, I guess ‘all’ is the wrong choice of words.” Gil considered Lyle’s response. Bullshit. Whatever was wrong was deeper than that. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“You can ask, but I might not answer.” It came out before Lyle could censor it. It was his standard quip when faced with that question.
“Your first date as a gay guy? You’ve never been with a guy before then? Or just not been ‘out’ before?”
Lyle wanted to laugh. How could he answer without giving up his life story? Gil was offering a sympathetic ear, but did he really want to pour his particular can of worms into it? Choose your words carefully, Lyle.
“I’ve dated before, just not outside of my closet.” Was that enough? Would he let it drop now? Would Gil scarper rather than date a newly out virgin, and save them both from any more trouble?
“So...you’ve never had a man before...in any sense?”
Gil’s tone was heart-breakingly understanding. His eyes were filled with compassion, warm brown-sugar toned and beautiful.
“I wouldn’t say that... It’s complicated, okay? So, do I wear emo boy, seance grey, or hot tart?”
“Well, if it were up to me,” Gil took a step closer, “I’d have to say hot tart,” he grinned, “but based on my previous lack of tact and the fact that this seems to be causing you a deal of trouble, emo boy might be better. Seance grey is just too creepy.” He met Lyle’s gaze.
“Emo hot tart?”
Gil laughed. “I shudder to think how you propose to effect that.” He picked up a pair of black leather trousers and a dark purple shirt with a distinctly piratical flavour, frills and laces at the neck. “These would look good on you.”
Lyle blushed. Gil had picked what he considered his sexiest outfit. Exactly what he had meant by ‘emo hot tart’, in fact. The pants were revealing though and he wasn’t sure that was a good thing. Having Gil checking out his ass all night would be cool, but there were other, more practical issues to consider, too.
“Lyle, loosen up. I’m not about to run for the hills.” The man was still holding the robe defensively around him. Gil reached out and laid a hand on his arm, stroking gently. “Look, I couldn’t care less if you’re a virgin or you’ve slept with a whole regiment. Seriously, I’m not that shallow. I should let you know though...” he paused. Asher had said he talked too much. Would Lyle think the same? Damn it, he wanted to be up front. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” He smiled. “You think you’re complicated? Its just...I’m only just out of a long relationship and it went badly wrong on me...I know I’m on the rebound. I just...don’t want to lie to you...” he smiled, trying to take the potential sting out of the words, “or lead you to believe I’m something I’m not.” Gil moved his hand to stroke Lyle’s ribs in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. It took a moment to register that something didn’t feel right.
Lyle flinched and shot away from Gil’s touch. “I’ve made a mistake here. Can you please leave?”
“Leave...? Lyle...” Gil’s puzzled expression would have been comical in any other situation. Gil’s first thought was that he had injured himself in some way, then he dismissed that. He wasn’t acting as if he was hurt. He didn’t carry himself like that. Corset of some kind? Why on earth...? Wait a minute....
“I hate lies and if we go on with this that’s all we’d have. You don’t deserve that kind of situation. I’m sorry. I like you, Gil, and if I could I’d try to change your mind about relationships, but I’m absolutely the wrong person to be able to achieve that.”
“Lies? Lyle, I’ve been honest with you. Please tell me, what’s wrong here?”
Bite the bullet. Can’t, it breaks the rules...
“So I just walk out of here and leave you, let you get on with your life?” Gil frowned. “Is that what you want?”
“I can’t explain. I want to, but I can’t. Gil, the thing I most would like to do is go on a date with you, have fun, make you happier. Trust me though, it’s better if you quit while you can still look at my face without wanting to punch my lights out.”
“Oh no, its not that easy. I at least want to know why the hell you would think I might want to do that to you? What the hell have you done that’s so wrong?”
“I’m what’s wrong, okay?”
“Look, I know you don’t know me well, but whatever it is, I’m not about to go broadcasting it to all and sundry, give me more credit than that. You can trust me Lyle. Hells Bells, if I couldn’t be trusted I’d not be in the job long. If nothing else, I’d like for us to be friends, and friends trust each other.” Gil sighed. “It’s a tall order though. I understand that much, but I find it sad that you can come ‘out’ but something else is holding you back...”
Great, now we’re at the ‘let’s be friends’ stage and we haven’t even got out the door together, Lyle thought angrily. Great going, you fucking stupid asshole, Lyle. He was pretty surprised to note that he would himself quite like to punch something or someone right now. He wouldn’t let it be Gil though. Someone getting hurt was looking inevitable now, but at least he had enough control not to strike out at a handsome man who was only trying to help, to understand, to be kind.
Gil could not work it out. He knew he was missing something but could not put two and two together and make the connection. What had he felt under Lyle’s robe? Gil pulled himself up short. He couldn’t force Lyle to trust him. Was this one of those ‘walking away’ times that Miles had talked about? You just couldn’t help some people.
“Gil, I’ve more closets than I can count. Everything about me is either wrong or a lie. I don’t want you getting cut on my smashed mirrors, okay?”
“Hey, I’m a paramedic remember, I’m used to dealing with cuts.” Gil sighed. “Besides, I have a few of my own. I’m sorry Lyle, I shouldn’t push you. I just find it hard to leave things alone. I’m too used to caring I guess, I don’t know when to give up.”
Lyle forced a smile. It wasn’t Gil’s fault that he had offered a simple date to someone and it had backfired so horrendously. He picked up the clothes Gil had chosen and made to go put them on in the privacy of his walk-in closet. "I’ll give you a twirl at least, before you go find someone better to take out tonight”.
The words almost broke Gil’s heart. There was a sense of desperation to the
m, of defeat. As Lyle made to pass him, Gil threw caution to the wind. Taking advantage of the fact that Lyle’s hands were tangled up with clothes, instead of stepping out of the way he did the opposite, blocking Lyle’s escape route. He brought a hand around the back of Lyle’s neck and pulled him close, pressing his lips to Lyle’s before the man could pull away.
A kiss? Lyle shivered in response. The clothes he was holding fell to the floor as he slid his arms around Gil and pulled him closer. Eight years of lonely famine, of not even being hugged; Lyle almost fainted with the intensity of the touch.
Gil had half expected to be punched in return, or rejected, so when Lyle did neither, he was rather surprised. He was gratified too, and intensified the kiss, tasting Lyle, his tongue begging admittance. He wrapped his arms round the man and held him, feeling the tension still in his muscles even so. Instead of bearing stubble, Lyle’s skin was smooth, with just a very fine dusting of soft blond hairs along his jawline and across his cheeks.
The duality of his feelings warred in him as Lyle gave way to his need and instinct for savouring more of Gil. He granted admittance to Gil’s questing tongue, his own seeking the other man’s flavours in return. It took several moments for Lyle to register that his robe had fallen open in the process of giving himself up to the sensations surging through him wherever Gil’s body was in contact with his own.
Brown eyes met pale green ones. Gil’s gaze slid down the lithe body pressed to his. Lyle’s chest seemed to be covered by some kind of fabric binding. That was what he felt as he stroked a hand down the man’s ribs. Gil’s own reaction to the kiss was evident, his trousers tented a little. Lyle’s body on the other hand seemed not to be displaying any reaction in that department. Something about Lyle’s body still didn’t feel right.... Gil struggled to put all the stray details together. The bound chest, almost feminine shape of hips, the soft downy skin of his face....
Lyle saw Gil’s expression change even as he continued to lean into him, craving his touch and terrified of what now inevitably would happen between them. The storm was brewing in those brown eyes, set to break over him any moment. He wondered if, shortly, he would need to bind his ribs because they were broken, instead of simply to make his outer shape match his inner identity.
Well, this was a first, Gil found himself thinking. No wonder Lyle had wanted to keep things so secret. What was he? Was he a she? Shemale, maybe? What should he say? He felt himself blushing. He opened and closed his mouth several times before speaking. Well, you got yourself into this, Gillespie, he thought. Now get yourself out....
“Explain.” Well, that was tactful. “Please, Lyle...”
“Wouldn’t you rather just forget this ever happened? I told you I was wrong. One day I’ll be right, but that’s a long way off. I’m sorry, I tried to stop this before you could be hurt.”
“Hurt? Why would I be hurt?” Gil frowned. Did Lyle expect rejection? Gil sighed. “Surprised maybe. No, surprised definitely,” he corrected. “Lyle, what makes you think you’re wrong? Please explain. Wrong about what?”
“Me. I’m wrong. I’m a boy, but I got the wrong body. I just about figure that out, then I realise I’m not just a boy, but that I want other boys. You know what I am, you’re a paramedic...”
“Transgendered?” Gil smiled, relief coloring his tone. “Gay male in a female body? That must be really hard. Well, if its any consolation, you had me fooled.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to ‘fool’ anyone. I guess I’m fooling myself mostly. I’ve been living as a male for a bit over two years now, I got trapped by the illusion... I thought I could do this...”
“No, Lyle, I didn’t mean that. I meant... you look male. I thought you were, no question.” Gil paused. “This isn’t a wind-up is it? You are telling me the truth...?”
“I’ll draw it for you, shall I?” Lyle sounded angry now. “Yes, I’m telling you the truth, I am transitioning from a female body to a male one. I’m male.”
“Lyle, if you are going to become a guy, you need to believe it, in here,” Gil tapped Lyle’s chest over his heart, “as well as in here.” He tapped his fingers gently against Lyle’s temple. “Its not an illusion, its a truth, and it doesn’t make you wrong. You need that belief. Without that, it won’t work.” Gil’s eyes regarded Lyle’s with a neutral stare for a moment. “How far along are you?”
Lyle, still angry, sighed before answering. He doubted Gil was really interested in his current state of being, but rather just being nosey. “I’ve been living in the role of a male just over two years. I started on hormones just before coming here. I have to see my doctor and a shrink regularly. I can pass, but only with my clothes on, as you just found out. I didn’t want to lie to you, even by omission. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
“Come here.” Gil pulled Lyle’s resisting body into his arms again, this time for a hug. “There’s nothing to forgive. I’m not going to run for the hills. This doesn’t repulse me or make he want to thump you. I could wish you’d trusted me with this sooner, but I understand why you felt you couldn’t. Its a big deal. It can be hard to trust. I meant what I said though, I’m not up for a relationship. Its too soon for me, with anybody, but I don’t want you to think its because of what you are that I’m not up for more than a one night stand at the moment. Okay?”
Lyle laughed, though it sounded forced. “I can’t give you a one night stand even.” He gestured to his groin. “That’s an illusion too, nothing but packing.”
“Well, you might not be able to fuck me...but...” Gil sighed again, unsure of his ground. “I don’t think of you as a female, Lyle. Never have.” Gil smiled then, letting a hint of lasciviousness creep into his expression. “There are ways...”
“Really? You’re still interested?” Lyle was pretty sure his carefully cultivated masculine timbre had just left the building without him.
“Why not? Look, I said I wasn’t up for anything permanent, I never said we couldn’t have fun. Strikes me you probably haven’t had a lot of that up to now.”
Lyle’s blush reached his hairline this time. At the same time his grin seemed to stretch ear to ear. “Mr. Gillespie, you have a deal.”
“Lyle, you’re a cute ‘guy’. When you’ve had the gender reassignment surgery, if that’s what you decide, you’ll be even better. While I don’t want to promise anything, I’d like to at least be friends. My future has too many variables at this stage; I’m here on secondment, I have no idea if I’ll stay. I might not even be here when you reach that stage, but no matter where I am, I’d be honoured to support you though it, if you’ll let me, even from a distance.”
Lyle didn’t know how to express all that Gil’s words meant to him. He’d expected violent rejection, disgust and repulsion, anger and loathing. Instead he’d just been asked to bed. Even more though, he’d been offered support and friendship.
Gil noticed the hesitancy, but Lyle’s expression belied his reticence. Gil closed the gap between them again and pressed his lips to Lyle’s in another searching kiss. He felt Lyle’s arms wind round his back again and Gil pressed close, holding the man’s body close to his. When he broke for air, he checked his watch. “Better get a move on,” he said. “Hurry up and get those clothes on, we can still make the Steele. The night is young, and personally, I have a young bouncer in mind who I would just love to make jealous as all hell...”
Lyle tried not to look disappointed that they weren’t just skipping straight to the bedroom action. The night now held an awful lot of promise. Gil would be finding out just how enthusiastic a lover Lyle Tate could be soon enough. He had to admit, Gil’s plan had merit too. He couldn’t wait to see the response their entrance to the Steele would provoke, Gil so gorgeous as he was, and him in his emo tart kit swanking it alongside the handsome paramedic. He planted another kiss on Gil, squeezing his ass appreciatively as he did so, before hurrying to get into his outfit.
Gil caught Lyle’s expression “You want to come to mine after? You could stay over.
I could cook you breakfast?” He grinned. “And I have a few toys...” He watched to see if that would elicit a blush and he wasn’t disappointed. Oh Lyle, he thought, just you wait...
Haven Falls #154 Tonight’s The Night
Flynn Archer, Carter ‘Gil’ Gillespie, Miles Sutherland, Lyle Ashley Tate
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By the time Gil and Lyle arrived, the Steele was buzzing, its open door flanked by two burly bouncers dressed in black. “Reminds me of home.” Gil grinned. “Just as long as it doesn’t turn into the usual Saturday night on the town. I could do without being dragged back on duty tonight.” He gave his name to the doorman who found him on a list, then indicated that they should go inside. “Apparently I have my own table...” Gil smiled, a little embarrassed.
“I’m impressed. So tell me, Gil, where are you from? I mean I know you’re British, but whereabouts do you live normally?” Lyle wanted to learn more about his new friend.
“Me? Manchester. I’m part of the North West Ambulance Service. Parents still live in Sale. My brother moved to Chester, sister lives in North Wales. Mum is American, so I have dual nationality.”
Lyle wanted to ask if Gil was out to his family, to his colleagues here or at home. It felt like too personal a thing to talk about in such a public place though, so he quashed his curiosity for the time being.
Gil asked a waiter about his table and the man consulted a list and then lead them across to a private booth in the VIP area. Informing them someone would be with them shortly, he then whisked away. Gil tried not to think about the last time he had been in this place—the body on the stage, the shit Asher was mixed up in. He shoved those thoughts to the back of his mind.
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Back when Flynn was still dating Jesse, he took him to this club in San Francisco that was supposedly only for “hardcores”, which Flynn didn’t understand, until he saw the sex slings and the dungeon rooms, each specifically designed for its own fetish. It was then he realized he was kind of vanilla, although not quite as bad as Jesse, who actually chickened out first.